Military Humor

[Necromancer- 0]

.

http://img482.imageshack.us/img482/5276/dukeshumvee2gt.jpg

 

image size!

[sander 14]

Dr. Evil can be proud:

Sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads!

Regards,

Sander

[JdB 151]

The first step to a brain implant that controls humans

The end of democracy, freedom of speech, liberty etc

[harley 3 1185 0]

Interesting; I can imagine a number of articles appearing in U.S.A. Today going something like this;

Quote[/b] ]Lieutenant (J.G.) Public, John Q, Super Marine Intelligence, Office of Naval Intelligence. Lost pinky finger to a S.H.A.R.K.* in the line of duty off Umm Qasr, xx/xx/xxxx. Promoted Lieutenant. Transferred to "Port Isolation", Antarctica.

*Sea-going Highly Angry Rover Killer

Have to say I'm loving the General HumVEE .

[Warden 0]

Found this funny

Not French troops but british.

[j w 0]

Found this funny

Not French troops but british.

Heh, saw that a year ago or something.

Still rocks!

[Warden 0]

Ever been to Glastonbury?

If youve ever been to a festival you may find this funny, a bit of swearing though.

[Sophion-Black 0]

that was funny, at first i thought i saw a few pota-potties tipped over already. but i guess it was just me.

[AngusSingle 0]

Quote[/b] ]"After we had spent about 4 months in the Tora Bora countryside, we we're issued with orders to return back to a US occuiped Forward Observation Base to resup and move back out to the Afgani-Pakistani border. Upon reaching the FOB in our battered LRPV, we were rolled up to the first boomgate security checkpoint. A young man, from one of the southern states asked up for our ID. Being in the feild, we didn't carry ID for security reasons. After some reasoning, the young private called up his CO on the phone. We then turned off the engine and preceeded to get out and have a strech after the long trip down from the mountains. When I undid my seatbelt, this young private unholstered his rifle and stepped away from the vehicle and shouted at us to show him our hands. We spent a good 2-3 minutes with our hands up in the air until a humvee rolled up on the opposite side of the boomgate. A tall, built black officer got out of the humvee and told the private to back off. We then got ordered to get out of the vehicle and take off our oakley sunglasses and put both hands on the bonnet of the car. By this stage, myself and my 3 other troopers had rather large grins on our faces. This officer then proceeded to shout at us and made various remarks about our long beards and lack of oral and body cleanleness. The phone in the security office then rang. The officer walked over and picked up the phone. Ww saw his face go comepletely blank. He then turned to me and smiled. He then did a lap of our LRPV and smiled. "Private, stand down. These men are allies". We took our hands off the bonnet of our vehicle and my Support gunner then went to the back of the LRPV and took out his sand-coloured beret and put it on his head. We drove past, and he tapped the winged dagger as we drove past.

Extract from Australian Digger History: War on Terror program on the History Channel on 26th Jan, 2005.

[EiZei 0]

EDIT: Wrong thread.

[BlackScorpion 0]

Errr... wrong thread Eizei?

Anyways... love that "British invasion", and that story is quite funny too.

[Sophion-Black 0]

Military Common Sense Rules

A lot of life's problems can be explained by the U.S. Military and its applications of common sense ...

Quote[/b] ]

1. "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."

2. "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."

3. "Aim towards the Enemy."

(Instruction printed on US M79 Rocket Launcher)

4. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

(U.S. Marine Corps)

5. Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground.

(U.S. Air Force)

6. If the enemy is in range, so are you.

7. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.

(US Air Force Manual)

8. Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.

(Gen. MacArthur)

9. Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.

10. You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me.

11. Tracers work both ways.

(US Army Ordnance)

12. Five second fuses only last three seconds.

13. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.

14. Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.

15. If your attack is going too well, you have walked into an ambush.

16. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.

17. Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.

18. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.

19. Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.

20. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

21. If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly.

22. Your job is to kill the other person before they kill you so that your national leaders can negotiate a peace that will last as long as it takes the ink to dry.

(Drill Instructor)

23. In the Navy, the Chief is always right.

(Written on the door into the Chiefs quarters)

[ralphwiggum 6]

Military Common Sense Rules

A lot of life's problems can be explained by the U.S. Military and its applications of common sense ...

Quote[/b] ]

10. You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me.

hmmmm...that sounds suspiciously like the dialogue from recent TV show "The Unit"

[sputnik monroe 102]

Quote[/b] ]"Aim towards the Enemy."

(Instruction printed on US M79 Rocket Launcher)

What's a M79 Rocket launcher? Do they mean a M79 Grenade launcher? Also I don't believe it says "Aim towards enemy " any where on a M79, however a similiar warning is written on the front side of a Claymore that reads "This side towards enemy" If I recall correctly.

[Sophion-Black 0]

Quote[/b] ]"Aim towards the Enemy."

(Instruction printed on US M79 Rocket Launcher)

 What's a M79 Rocket launcher? Do they mean a M79 Grenade launcher? Also I don't believe it says "Aim towards enemy " any where on a M79, however a similiar warning is written on the front side of a Claymore that reads "This side towards enemy" If I recall correctly.

that would be this:

[Tovarish 0]

that would be this:

[/img]http://www.serbnews.com/guns/m79.jpg[/img]

Serbnews? I highly doubt the quote was referring to some obscure Serbian rocket launcher, I would be quite willing to bet however, it refers to this:

although as has been mentioned before, the quote seems to be completely ficticious

[elevenbravo_11b20 0]

Picture a range in germany back in the late 80's.A wonderful place called Graffenworh(i dont mean to disrespect my Bundeswer friends,I cant remember the correct spelling)

We called it "Graff".If you didnt like the weather..wait 5 minutes.

Any way...we had crew qaul courses for our M113a2 APC's.where you move down range in the 'track engaging targets with the M2 and the top deck mounted M60.Well when you came up to the tower,they gave you a safety breifing,and you gave a breifback so they knew you knew the rules.At the bottom of the tower was a ditch.Inna' 113 you eased one side first into the ditch at a slower speed so you wouldnt smash the final drive.Then gun it out.Well,I was TC(track commander) and when we went for the breifing I was watching another track(so I could cheat and know where the pop ups were before hand) when my driver hit the ditch too fast.All I saw was the spade grip and butterfly triggers commin' straight for my face,I did what any 'grunt would do.

I put my hand up to catch myself.Well those of you who know "Ma Duece" well, it aint got a safety.Well my hand elevated the gun to the max,and my palm hit the butterfly.

"BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP" went the gun(I peed a little)

the range tower threw red smoke and shot a red starcluster at us.

Our Bn. XO (2Bn16th US Infantry) came running up ,climbed onna' track and said "where'd those rounds go troop?!"

Me, bein a teenaged Corporal said" I dont know sir-I dont think they've got there yet"............

I was a Private First Class by dark, and hadda' clean all the M2's in the company.

My Platoon Daddy(Sgt) said a tracer went right over the tower,and the tower crew like to killed each other jumpin' out the windows.

You guys who been to Germany in the US Army ever here of 2-16 Inf indoor LAW range?When my girl aint tryin to take me somewhere I'll tell ya about it sometime.

FollowTheInfantry!

[HotShot 0]

Quote[/b] ]Anti-U.S. and anti-war protesters try to stop a joint landing operation between South Korean and U.S. troops at Mallipo beach in Taean, about 170km (106 miles) southwest of Seoul, March 30, 2006. U.S. and South Korean troops are holding annual major joint field exercises from March 25 to March 31 across South Korea. A South Korean Marine is seen on the right. REUTERS/You Sung-H

The soldier doesnt seem to be too bothered, but i guess when you're trying to dodge bullets and bombs, an anti-war protest isn't such a big problem.

[Sophion-Black 0]

At first glance it looks like the guy is a dummy or a mannequin and the protester is holding it up. But looking closer it looks a bit better.

[Ironsight 1]

This made my day:

[klavan 0]

This made my day:

This rocks!

Klavan

[Ironsight 1]

Jumping Stryker

Suprised how fast that thing goes.

[ralphwiggum 6]

http://www.ericwesselman.com/hate_commandos.html

Quote[/b] ]Armchair Commandos

If there is one thing that has absolutely wrecked shooting, it is the scourge of the Armchair Commando. You know, the ones who know everything but are able to do nothing. I just can't stand it anymore. I'm sick sick sick of them. They're ruining something I've loved to do since I was a little kid. I've tried changing my environment, but they're nearly inescapable. Every time I go somewhere just to look at a new gun or buy a pound of powder, I have to endure some ignorant blowhard's line of BS. The shooting range by my old house was absolutely infested with them. They're one of the prime reasons why the shooting sports are in decline: the assholes are driving everyone off. People are just burnt out on this personality type. I don't think Liberals hate guns half as much as they hate these idiots - who have become the self-appointed ambassadors of the shooting sports.

This is an open letter to all the jerk-offs who have driven good people away from shooting by just being themselves.

-----------------------------------------

Dear Armchair Commando,

If you could break away from building that shrine to John Moses Browning, I would like to ask you a few questions.

1. Why in the hell do you care what gun/caliber I shoot? If it's not for you - fine, but why must you ALWAYS bitch about it? What possible stake do you have in my choices? Am I your personal bodyguard? Did it ever occur to you that my needs and priorities might differ from yours? I doubt it, but that doesn't stop you from droning on ad nauseum, spewing forth your worthless "knowledge" about how my gun/caliber is inaccurate, ineffective, or regurgitating whatever straw man argument you read in Guns and Ammo last month. GIVE IT A REST!!! I'd be scared shitless to a have Rob Leatham come after me with a .25 Auto, but I'm not sure I'd bother running if I saw you with a GE minigun. (I've seen you shoot. You're pathetic - even off a benchrest.)

2. Do you own any other clothing color other than camouflage? What gives? Is "The Enemy" in town for the weekend? Are you in the witness protection program? The GI Joe look was out by 1983. Get with the program. If you think you're reducing your visibility, think again. You could be wearing a Ghillie suit and I could still spot your fat ass 500 yards away. By the way, the KaBar hanging off the web gear makes you look even dumber.

3. What is up with your fascination about killing people? It's "kill...kill...kill," morning, noon, and night. Get help!!! It is NOT healthy. Can't you just enjoy shooting as a contest of skill once in a while?

4. What is with your obsession over trade rag "ballistics?" It's always the same tired crap: "....Stopping Power....Knockdown Power....Firepower...Terminal Ballistics....blah blah blah...." How many goddamn times can you read the same article and have the same conversation? Hey, stupid!!! It's all BULLSHIT!!!! It's all about ability. I don't care what the marketing people say; one can't buy talent. Quit trading the cow for magic bullets, accept reality and get over it.

5. Let's talk literacy. You're not doing the shooting sports any intellectual favors any time you write an article or make a post with the world's most atrocious spelling and grammar. (God forbid I should err here...) Get a dictionary - then OPEN it. Learn the difference between "their" and "they're" for crying out loud. You're just one more reason the media regards all gun owners as twits.

6. Why do you treat everyone of a non-white race or different nationality like total shit whenever they come to the range? Good God, man!! They don't want to steal your job or your barbecue; they just want to live the American dream. After living, oppressed, in some backward, f'ed up banana republic, newcomers want to be secure in their persons and homes. That equals gun ownership!! Immigrants and minorities aren't our enemies - they're our allies. Get over your prejudices. Welcome them!

Finally, I would just like to make one suggestion: If you can't seem to find a way to participate in the shooting sports in a positive, constructive and inclusive manner, why not just get hell out and leave the rest of us alone? I know that we need to show solidarity right now, but frankly, I'm willing to give the gun-rights trip a go without you. Let me know if you're interested & I'll pass the hat and we'll do a little gun-buyback program of our own.

Disgruntledly Yours,

Eric

[Ironsight 1]

For those who haven't seen this yet:

[Colossus 2]

For those who haven't seen this yet:

Bah! Who needs fishing rods?