Military Humor

[ralphwiggum 6]

ok, let's not get too raunchy.

anyways, back to military stupidity, pulled from a gun forum

Quote[/b] ]I'll never forget the genious seaman (e-3 USN) who kept hitting the flight deck during 9mm practice. Yes...we actually did 9mm practice on the flight deck of the Frigate (USS Wadsworth FFG-9, currently decommed and now part of the Polish Navy) I was on WHILE AT SEA...beat that Rob leatham  

Oh Oh!!! Then there was this one JO (Junior Officer) Morales-Blanco was his name...good guy...but..anyways...he was standing the OOD (Officer of the Deck) mid watch (12am to 4am) And the Petty Officer of the Watch needs to use the head, Now the Petty Officer is the one who carries the 9mm, so he takes off the duty belt, hands it to the JO and goes. The JO decides he's a curious cat and wants to play with the 92FS, he racks the slide....drops the magazine (whats wrong with that picture?) points the gun out into San Diego Harbor (Thank God at least he pointed it into the harbor! and pulls the trigger!! Woops  Well he pissed off the entire crew cuz we were a week away from winning some safety award  

Oh Oh!!! Then there was the E-6 (YN1) Yates was his name, Ok, our ship is about 90 miles off the coast of Mexico in the Pacific and it was a beautiful day...So the cool captain at the time decided it was time for a swim...shut down the entire ship engineering, etc..sitting DIW (dead in the water), well being the new and improved navy where this sort of thing is not allowed anymore...the captain says only 20 crew in the water at a time, so this meant there was a line to jump off the side of the ship, so i'm standing there for about 20 minutes and this YN1 is in front of me, its his turn to jump, he does, now its my turn to jump and is only 10 seconds or so after YN1 goes, I jump and i swim under the water for about 15 seconds or so, when I reach the surface I hear everyone yelling my name!! The Idiot YN1 couldn't swim!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    

Quote[/b] ]Here's another sea story (USCG this time) while I was stationed aboard the USCGC POINT MONROE (WPB 82353). We were offshore practicing with the .50 cal (shooting at old foam buoys) when the new guy's turn came. Well even with every fifth round being a tracer and the gun captain using binoculars we couldn't see where ANY of his 100 rounds went! Usually you'll see a splash kick up even if the rounds hit way beyond the target, well we saw NOTHING. The joke was that someone ashore just got cut in half. Good thing we were so far out. Needless to say he wasn't assigned to the gun crew.

[Necromancer- 0]

[iNeo 0]

That's boring and poorly made.

[Harnu 0]

Quote[/b] ]“We hit a bomb once, but this tank handled it really well,†Hinchcliff explained. “All we saw was a cloud of smoke envelop us. We were thinking, ‘Wow, we hit a bomb.’ We rolled forward a few hundred meters, fixed our damaged tread, then got on the move again.â€

I just found it kinda funny how calmly that could be said

[breaker44 0]

I think it's pretty damn funny. There should be a joint taped under the barrel, though.

-Breaker Out

[ralphwiggum 6]

http://www.sturmgewehr.com/webBBS/collectors.cgi?read=15601

Anyone got some money to burn?

[BlackScorpion 0]

Any uranium or plutonium in it?

[The Frenchman 0]

http://www.sturmgewehr.com/webBBS/collectors.cgi?read=15601

Anyone got some money to burn?

Reminds me of this.

[DracoPaladore 0]

Reminds me of this.

Retailer was a power-seller too!

[Albert Schweitzer 10]

this is not funny but nice to watch. Actually I believe these people have an interesting and challenging job. Looks like adventure.

Media Player small 10 Mb

Media player large 23Mb

Real Media small 7Mb

Real Media large 22Mb

Mpeg High quality 79Mb

[SpecOp9 0]

hahahaha

[hellfish6 7]

So.. are you new to this Intarweb thingee? That's been around for AGES dude.

[ralphwiggum 6]

http://www.nbc4.tv/irresistible/4866897/detail.html

Quote[/b] ]EDINBURGH, Scotland -- A penguin has been promoted to colonel-in-chief in the Norwegian army.

"Nils Olav" inspected his troops Wednesday in Edinburgh, Scotland.

Ever since Norwegian military groups began performing at the military tattoo in Edinburgh in 1961, they were taken with the penguins at the local zoo.

In 1971, they gave a penguin the honorary title of lance corporal.

The tradition has continued through the years. This year, Nils Olav was promoted to colonel-in-chief.

[sputnik monroe 102]

I saw the penguin on the news yesterday, I'll admit it was quite humorous. What was really funny was I swear it looked like the penguin was really reviewing the troops heh heh. He was walking down the line looking at them at one point stopped and walked up to one of them and started looking him over, I swear it looked like the penguin was about to talk, "Where you from soldier? Why did you enlist? etc".

[Garcia 0]

I saw the penguin on the news yesterday, I'll admit it was quite humorous. What was really funny was I swear it looked like the penguin was really reviewing the troops heh heh. He was walking down the line looking at them at one point stopped and walked up to one of them and started looking him over, I swear it looked like the penguin was about to talk, "Where you from soldier? Why did you enlist? etc".

he did "inspect" the troops Gotta love our army...eh, penguin who's colonel-in-chief...

"What's that on your shoe? I wana be able to see my self in it!"

[Mamba Six 11]

Im in ROTC, which stands for Reserve Officer Training Course for the US Army. During my Basic and Advanced Basic training this summer, we were running our Land Nav (Land Navagation) at Attebury Reserve Military Training Center near my home. On the weekends we would receive a 36hr liberty into the local town. On returning to the base, we would just hold up our IDs and drive through the MP checkpoint without stopping. So me mates and I decided to hold a competion to see who could get through holding random objects up.

The winner made it through holding up a piece of toast.

[Necromancer- 0]

[ig]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v719/Garvia/4866913.jpg[/img]

"What's that on your shoe? I wana be able to see my self in it!"

NAhh...

More like... "I smell fish in there"...

[Placebo 28]

Please remove image tags when quoting

[hellfish6 7]

ARRSEpedia

Quote[/b] ]Infantry  

From ARRSEpedia

Leaders in G3 Snobbery, the Infantry do genuinely pride themselves on being able to suffer the worst working conditions, and indeed pay, that the Army has to offer. Amazingly some civilians seem completely unable to understand this attitude: some would indeed prefer to do other things than live in rain filled holes, get two hours sleep every other wednesday night and walk for long distances with large amounts of weight in cardboard boots. Perhaps for this reason infantry recruitment is something of a challenge and most recruiters prefer to tell tales of eternal glory, fast cars and hot chicks than dwell on the truth.

Quote[/b] ]Royal Marines  

From ARRSEpedia

AKA "The Green Death": Amphibious infantry under the tenuous command of the Royal Navy, their ferocity in battle is only matched by their profound sexual deviancy on the piss.

If they lag down your leg, it usually means they like you, and may even be a mating signal.

They are renowned for frock wearing parties, and getting bollocky buff after the equivalent of two sherrys, as their general nails-ness doesn't seem to extend to the ability to drink.

Allegedly can sometimes be found daisy-chaining.

Retrieved from "http://www.arrse.co.uk/wiki/index.php/Royal_Marines"

Quote[/b] ]BMD

From ARRSEpedia

BMD - "Boyevaya Mashina Desanta" - literally Battle Vehicle Desant (Sounds as if it should be in some loopy Anime feature with moody teenagers driving huge robots - but I digress)

In this context Desant refers to airborne operations and this is a vehicle designed to deliver BMP levels of firepower but be para-droppable or heliborne. Consequently it has internal volume suitable for carrying a section of ants and laughably thin armour. It can usually be seen with the section sitting on top. Nevertheless, compared to the vehicles Paras are normally equipped with it's quite impressive.

It is currently available in three flavours, BMD-1, BMD-2 and BMD-3.

To keep the weight down (for airdropping), the metal used for the hull in early versions was a magnesium alloy. Magnesium burns like a sumnabitch as the Afghans found when they started potshotting the things with RPG's. Later versions had the hull made out of aluminium.

Serious anorak details can be found at http://www.aeronautics.ru/archive/armored_vehicles/bmd-1.htm

[Eddie Haskel 0]

When I was a Scout in the US Army, stationed at Ft. Hood, Texas, we used to take our newbies and send them on special "missions". Like:

1) Go down to Supply and get a box of "grid squares". On his way we'd call ahead and let the Supply Sergeant know, and he'd tell him the Mortar Plt. got the last box, he should try there, etc. etc.

It'd keep them runnig all day. You can do the same with "squelch fluid" for the radios!

2) Give a newbie a hammer and piece of chalk. His mission is to go down to the Motor Pool, and check the armor plates on our M3 Bradleys for cracks. Every few centimeters "tap tap", and if he hears anything funny he should circle the spot. One guy came back when he was done, and upon checking his work the Bradley looked like it had the chicken pox!

3) Give a newbie an important-looking, but useless paper of some old report, and tell him to go to Battalion HQ and give it to the Lieutenant Major Johnson. (In the US Army there is no such rank as LT Major).

4) Send a newbie to Supply for a firing pin for a claymore mine (they have no firing pins!

Of course there's alot more, but I'll save those for another time!

Eddie

[hellfish6 7]

Yeah, I think everyone in the US Army has told someone or been told by someone to do those. Even when I was an E-4 with three years in I had sergeants who thought that they were being funny when they told me to get a box of grid squares. I'd take the opportunity to walk away and find a nice broom closet to take a nap in instead.

[Pathy 0]

Dont know if this has been posted before, but screw it:

http://www.aviationexplorer.com/helicopter_inflight_refuel.wmv

[Necromancer- 0]

Dont know if this has been posted before, but screw it:

http://www.aviationexplorer.com/helicopter_inflight_refuel.wmv

Good one!!

I would not expect that would happen with that chopper on the drawing table.

[Ironsight 1]

Definition of Heineken on ARRSEpdia

Ever wondered what a "Blow me up bus" is?

[The Frenchman 0]

Loosely involves the military, but quite funny:

Quote[/b] ]A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:

Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care, Ricky

Sounds like a M*A*S*H* rerun.