Military Humor

[el Gringo Loco 1]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (Wobble @ Feb. 10 2002,19:28)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">not a military story.. but when i first got my AR I shot a can of spraypaint I though was empty from about 20 feet away and i got a nice blast of smurf blue all over me and the gun.. took me several hours to clean all of it off the gun.  it was wierd it literally exploded.. it was like a frag or something.. but it stayed in one piece.. just kinda turned inside out..

oh and one time I shot a coleman lantern cannister from about 100m away and the boom could probably be heard for many miles.. those things are great.. but expensive.. I decided to shoot this one because it was leaky and old.. and I thought it was empty (why do I keep thinking things are empty)..

oh.. and probably the best story:.. and the dumbest..

me and my gf went out to a small creek to do a little shooting, sh had just got her .38 and wanted to be destructive.. so I founf this odd small can that had been rolling around in the bed of my truck for many weeks.. I couldent remember what it was and all the paint was practically rubbed off from sliding around back there.. it was *almost* empty..

anywho we started plinking at it from about 30 feet away about the 5th shot I hit it and it poofed into a nice red cloud.. and blew all over me... at that moment I realized what it was.. when my gf was a car-hop at sonic she carried it for safty. it was pepper spray..

that really sucked, I couldent even drive home.. though my GF had a hoot with the 4wd (she had little pissy car at time).. I dont know how she managed to avoid it.. she got a little on her arm and that was it..   oh well.. there are lots of Wobble being a dumbass stories.. but they are not military related so I will spare ya.<span id='postcolor'>

I have an 50 liter ButaGaz container in my shed which I think is empty. You can have it for target practice

[Thehamster 0]

LMAO funny as hell.

[WKK Gimbal 0]

Great stuff!

Only soldiers and school kids on summer camp experience such things ... hmm ... there couldn't be any resemblence?

[Noone 4]

"Only soldiers and school kids on summer camp experience such things ... hmm ... there couldn't be any resemblence? "

Kids...

"lol thats pretty funny, weren't there some posts in the old thread about sneaking beer onto patrol?"

Yeah, that was my story, so i can tell it again...

Never mix them...

It was our turn to go on a patrol around the base. Just a regular patrol, nothing more. But we decided to spice things up by bringing some booze along. So we searched our quarters for alcohol and found : some beer, a little wine, just a bit of Whisky and a few drops of Vodka. We took it all and mixed together to produce some decent quantity of alcoholic fluid. The stuff we got we purred into our flasks. We were ready to patrol !

Our officer gathered us in the yard and began the briefing. It was long and boring… At the end, this son of a b…. said : “It’s a hot day today, and I don’t want to see any of you passing out from dehydration. So I want to see you guys drinking up your flasks right now. You’ll replenish them afterwards.â€

We could just tell him that it is not water in our flasks (we’d go straight into jail for that), so we had to drink and show how much we enjoy drinking “fresh cool waterâ€â€¦ It was awful. It was even worse then awful. I don’t know how I survived drinking that shit, but I did…

So we pulled ourselves together and walked out of the base gates. We managed to walk about half a mile (maybe less) before collapsing to the ground and releasing the contents of our stomachs. It was hot – about 35-40 degrees Celsius so we felt even worse. We were vomiting and slamming our heads into the ground for about 3 hours before we started crawling back to the base. At the gates our officer met us smiling. Till this day I don’t know who da hell sold us out to him…

[Wobble 1]

HAHAHAHAHA!!! I would have blamed a "water born bacteria"

[second_draw 0]

I have some camping stories which are pretty lame compared with all this military stuff.

[Hilandor 1]

my first exercise as a weekend warrior was to tab 21 miles in a day getting to rv point every 7 miles where we had to complete a small objective, then head of to next rv point. it was a long day and eventually we made it to a wooded area where we were goiing to set up camp.

Camp consisted of 3 light machine guns in a triangle (one at each point) with the rest of the squad asleep in the middle of this triangle (from point to point it was about 30 meters) at 1 oclock i was awakened to be told i was on stag duty and to beware because the CO saiid that we might get attacked that night.

So up i got and then it hit me jeeeez dark woods, strange area and i began to ehh shit it lol, every snap of a branch, every little noise i heard i was swinging my rifle about yelling HALT HALT who goes there, and as usuall rabbits cant answer i looked at my watch after it seeming like it was an eternity i was standing scared time was only 1.35am i still had half an hour of watch to go. Sod this i thought, so i winded my watch forward half an hour went to the next squaddy in line and woke him, showing him the time and up he got grumping and moaning, i jumped into his sleeping bag and got my head down. Come 6 am 3 squaddies were standing scratching their head wondering where along the line someone didnt complete there stag duty , quickly i wound my watch back and carried on making ma breakfast, leaving the group to find the missing half hour lolol

[second_draw 0]

I' m sure every1 has set the whole fireplace alight with common kitchen items or exploded bottles, deoderant cans & eggs? right?

[Hilandor 1]

yes indeed lol i had a coal fireplace years ago before i got the central heating put in , and was changing the battery in my watch and tossed the old one into the fire BAD MOVE!!!!!! it exploded and pinged out the fire at a funny rate of knots straight into the wall on other side of livingroom, i shit it, my wife was diving for cover, kids stood crying and dog went mental and thot it was going to kill us all with the fright it got and i had to spend an hour prising the battery out the wall and filling the hole with putty =]]] lol fires are cool

[Noone 4]

God damn heroes

We were on a regular patrol around the base. We had some woods and crop fields there, so we were just exiting the forest and into the fields when we saw THEM. They were dressed in some strange robes, wearing black ski-masks. They were doing something on the ground, defiantly planting side-chargers or land mines, we thought. If these are not terrorists then who the hall are ? We decided to execute everything by-the-book. We split into two groups and executed a flanking maneuver. It was all finished in some 2 minutes – not a single shot, they were all down on the ground, cuffed with some loose teeth and broken ribs. We were the heroes of the day in our own eyes… until our CO arrived anyway. Those “terrorists†turned out to be Thailand field workers, working on crops. And the masks ? Simple. Their skin was too sanative to the Israeli sun, so they were wearing those masks to protect faces from the sun…. Damn, the whole base was laughing at us for a week.

Mouth-to-mouth

One day those damn medics came to our base for their field training. They needed some grunts to help them with their field training and so they asked for volunteers. As it sounded like fun and was anyway better then patrol or kitchen duty we all volunteered. Everyone got a piece of paper with his assignment (it was written what kind of injury each one of us “sustainedâ€). I got the best one. It was written “An explosion ripped your head ofâ€. Fun, fun, fun. So I found myself a bush and laid down under it, smoking and enjoying my life. After some 2 hours some female medic found me. She looked at my note and decided to give me a mouth-to-mouth. As she was as ugly as my life, I got really scared of this whole idea and began to argue with her.

“I am dead, what’s the point in mouth-to-mouth ?â€

“Only a doctor can claim your death, I am not a doctor – I am just a field medic, so I have to obey my instructions.â€

“My head is 2 meters to the south from here – go and make mouth-to-mouth there….â€

“Look, I have to make this, but if you continue to resists I will have to give you an infusion.â€

“Infusion ?! My head is missing, what’s the point ? It will all leak out !â€

“Choose : mouth-to-mouth or an infusion ?â€

“OK. Infusionâ€

She succeeded only from 3-rd shot. My hand was blue by that time, as my vein was punctured by the needle and I had a severe internal blood-leak. Either she was too green, or she just got her revenge on me for not letting her do a mouth-to-mouth. After that two medics came and took me to the camp. I was stripped naked, as rules demanded (remaining only in underpants) under a cold December sun. A doctor looked at my note and “claimed deathâ€. Then they just covered me with a white sheet and forgot about me for some 2 more hors. I was strapped to the stretcher and could not move. The infusion was still attached to my hand. I was laying down there and thinking about how nice it could be on kitchen duty near the food and hot stoves, or on a patrol…

[el Gringo Loco 1]

Title: There are muslims running around our tent!

When we first arrived on Mt. Igman we had to set up a little base camp for a week because our main base camp had still be cleared in the woods on Igman.

During that week we had to provide our own security because the french foreign legion had still to come up the mountain. So the first night in the base camp we all went to sleep. After some time my mate wakes me up and whispers:"Hey Pete, I think someone is walking around our tent, I can hear it". So I listened also and I heard something that resembled footsteps on a stoney ground. We got warned by our CO the day before that it was common for muslim soldiers to come inside UN camps to steal fuel. So I jumped out of my green maggot, cocked my minimi (M249 SAW for you americans), put the PNVS on it, and came charging out the tent in my underwear determined to face this stealing son of a bitch. Outside I saw nothing and didn't hear the sound of footsteps anymore.

So I went to the guy from my group who was guarding our camp and asked him why he didn't see anything, cause there was someone walking around our tent. So the guy said that there was nobody walking around our tent and he was here all alone. Still thinking that he was not paying attention enough, I told him to keep his eyes open and I returned to the tent with my mate.

After half an hour again that sound, I again jumped from my green maggot, cocked the minimi and sprinted outwards to put some lead in this obviously thick-skulled muslim. Again the muslim(s) were too quick for me and probably already fled into the woods. This time I was really pissed off at the guy who was keeping guard. So I went to him and said:"Listen I don't know why you've joined the army, but if you even can't see that someone is in our camp, despite having PNVGs you're a fucking wanker" So I told him to quit smoking and start paying fucking attention before I reported him to my CO. This guy now became equally pissed off on me and told me to Fuck Off as there was nobody in the camp according to him.

So anrgy I went back to my tent. Just when I entered my tent I heard the sound again and this time I was able to determine position where the sound came from. You're never going to believe this, but I swear it is true: It was my adjutant gnashing his teeth during sleep It exactly resembled te sound of someone walking on a stoney ground outside. So there I was, standing in my long-johns with a fully-loaded and cocked minimi in my hands feeling a complete idiot.

Next day I told everyone the story and we had a good laugh. I apologised to the guy who had guard duty last night and bought him a crate of heineken. There were no hard feelings anymore after that. I still feel stupid as I tell you all this story.

Me and my trusted minimi, this time not in my long-johns, I'm sorry.

[Noone 4]

A bus assault

That day a got a day-off. Just enough time to get home, have a nice dinner, sleep at home and early in the morning back to base. Our platoon was about to see some action the next day, so i was released home with all my gear - the vest, the flak jacket, helmet, 200 bullets 4 grenades etc...

All this stuff didn't fit into my backpack, so I decided to simply put it on. Everything. Including the helmet and the flak-jacket. The vest’s pockets were filled with magazines and grenades. I was in full combat gear, walking around the central bus station in Tel-Aviv. It was quite a sight, but as people are used to soldiers in Israel, including ones in full gear, no one really paid any attention to me. Until I saw my bus. It was about to start moving. I couldn’t afford missing this one. Not that day. So I took my M16 into my hands in front of me (so that it would not jump on my back while running) and I started to run. I put all my strength into that sprint. And then I saw some people about to get into my way. I was too heavily loaded (flak, vest, ammo, backpack etc), so I could not stop or change direction, so only one option remained : I yelled really load “OUT OF THE WAY !!!!â€. People saw a soldier in a full gear with a weapon in his hands running like hell and yelling to clear the way. Naturally they though that it is all about another terrorist attack, and they jumped on the ground. I mean all of them – the whole freaking bus station on the floor…. So I reached my bus just in time – the way was clear. I just sat down and relaxed watching people slowly getting up and looking at me with surprise in their eyes…

That’s me later that day at home….

[Placebo 29]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (Noone @ Feb. 11 2002,12:55)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">A bus assault<span id='postcolor'>

LMAO that was excellent

[el Gringo Loco 1]

Not a stupid story, but just some insight in dutch Royal Artillery traditions

Title: I've got promoted and was sick of it

On a day during an exercise in Norway the CO called me to his office and told me that I was already a corporal for 4 years now and that I was a very capable group-commander and he was promoting me to Corporal First Class. That evening in the our temporary unit-pub (We always took our mobile pub-unit with us on exercise when we were based on a foreign military camp) he would give me my stripes in the traditional artillery manner. I said: Oh God No. My CO asked me then if I wasn't interested in my promotion and I hastily replied that I saw it as an honour. (In the dutch army you get promoted by merit rather than by serving years).

So that evening my whole unit gathered in unit-pub to watch me get promoted and to have a good laugh. Thank god some other poor-soul from my unit got promoted to corporal so I wasn't alone.

OK here's the tradition.

First you have to take off your boots and put your new stripes in it at the bottom. Then they fill your boot with beer to the top (some 3 liters). And as you probably already guessed you have to drink all the beer from your boot and catch the stripes with your teeth. Only then will the Captain put the stripes on your shoulder. After drinking the boot I was having a very hard time keeping everything inside me, I was sick for a day and my boots were a perfect feeding ground for growing mushrooms after that.

Here some pictures from the ordeal.

And here my hard earned stripes

[el Gringo Loco 1]

Title: Target!?, which Target? or whad'ya mean you've recced it?

As you probably already guessed from some other posts I made my unit was in Bosnia to guide friendly fire on unfriendly targets. So one day my CO told me to get 3 guys which I wanted to take into serbian held territory. I asked him what the mission was and he told me that we were going to guide fire from the british Highland Gunners (19th Reg, RA) 105mm light guns unto serbian mortar positions in a valley near to Hadzici.

The attack should commence half an hour after first light which was around 6:45 in the morning. So I was thrilled my first self-led mission into serbian territory. I had to plan it, find the right people and be responsible for the execution of it. My CO told me that in the afternoon I would be visited by two guys from a recce unit who had found an ideal place for my unit from where to execute the mission.

So when I left the CO's tent I was chuffed and feeling pretty important. I assembled my team, all guys who I trusted with my life and my girlfriend . We assembled our gear, the LE7 laser range finder, the rockwell GPS, the new thomson FM90 radio with advanced burst transmission and camouflage equipment. As we were going in by foot everything had to be carried in our bergens and thus couldn't be too heavy. I ordered the long-range gunner in my group to take the barret with him as I wanted also long range capability in the event things went pearshaped. He wasn't to pleased because the ammo and the rifle itself aren't the lightest in the dutch inventory.

So in the afternoon our group was briefed by a guy from the recce unit who showed us pictures of our LUP and a picture from the position were we should be able to direct fire from. It all looked perfect to us. For once we had a position already scouted out for us, great. The recce-guy told us that they visited it yesterday at 17:00 hours and everything looked fine to them. The position was on 1200 meter high hill outlooking the valley. As a LUP we had a position some 25 meters down behind some big rocks which would shield our IR signature and in the need of emergency provide some good cover.

So that night we geared up and we we're brought with a jeep to the edge of the serbian held territory. From there we had some 3 kilometers to walk to our LUP. I had programmed the waypoints in the GPS, so we took the shortest road. The walk through serbian territory was pretty uneventful, thank god, and after some hour of walking we reached our LUP. We had some 4 hours still to go before 19th Regiment would spark some life into their light guns. I ordered the radio to be set-up and to perform a radiocheck with 0C (19th regiment comm. center). When everything was checked I told everyone to get some rest but to keep your eyes open all time.

So the time passed slowly and at 6:15 I decided to have a look at the position from where we would direct the fire some 25 meters above me. So I crawled away from the rock and slowly made my way to the edge of our position. I soon came down, swearing and ordered the fucking radio: "Hello 0C, this is ground callsign F24A, aborting mission, out" My mates looked in awe to me and asked me if I was still sane. I told them to have a look from our supposedly perfect position above and that they don't have to be afraid to be spotted by the enemy doing so.

What the recce-guys clearly forgot was that the situation in a morning in a valley can be completely different than in a afternoon. They checked the position in the afternoon at 17:00.

This is what I was greeted to when I crawled up to our position in the early morning. Ready to guide fire on some targets.

[Charlie_McSheenie 1]

lol, that must've a sticky situation

[DarkLight 0]

Hey L24A, how long've you been in the dutch army? It seems that you've had some great adventures. I never thought that the army was a lot of fun... well... at least not that kind of fun. The dutch army looks pretty cool, d'you know if it's the same with the belgian army? Have you (or anyone else) ever been in contact with the belgian army, i'd like to know more about it. Perhaps also some information about the weapons they use...

Thanks a lot to everybody who helps me

(sorry that this doesn't have anything to do with the original topic)

[Fenna 0]

They wear green I think

[KingBeast 0]

Belgium make good guns. And chocolate

*edit in fact thinkngi about it, belgiums make some of the best guns in the world.

FN P90, FN FAL, FN MAG, FN Minimi, FN BAR Type D and plenty more

(sorry for going off topic here)

[Albert Schweitzer 10]

I know my comment comes a bit late but

Noone, your story is fucking great

[Thehamster 0]

These storeys are funny as hell keep them coming.

[madmike 0]

when the idian army went to bosnia they all had to be issued with driving lisences becuase they had to have them becuase NATO? said. The idians then quikly designed them and issued them.

Hey L42A, when were you in Bosnia? have you been there just the once? It looks like 1995

[Guest]

I wonder if pete has any funny storys?

[Longinius 1]

Weekend War

Unlike L24A I only have weekend warrior stories to tell. Some of them can however be just as fun as any other story.

I remember one time our Homeguard unit was on exercise and we had been divided into two units. We were to conduct warfare against eachother, which seemed quite appealing to us. In addition there was a B-Unit, instructors waging war on both of us.

My squad gets the order to set up a vehicle ambush in the woods, near a storage building. It was about 10 kilometers from our base camp and we set off before first light. For a couple of hours we stumbled through pitch dark woodland, tripping on fallen trees, branches and holes in the ground. Eventually we reach the ambush site, at the storage building near a fixed fieldbase (finished foxholes, trenches etc). Between the fieldbase and the ambush site was a narrow trail of about 200 - 300 meters. We came in from this direction, crossed the base and approach the site on a line. As we closed, me and our squadleader went up ahead to recon. We snuck around the building and the road leading to it for a while, made a plan we thought would work and headed back. The squad leader briefed the others and we krept up to the edge of the trees. I ran out and pulled a fallen tree trunk across the road, behind the building. Our squad was placed on a arch along the road, with most of our automatic weapons away from the roadblock. The plan was to basically shoot the shit out of the vehicle(s) when the time came. I was closest to the roadblock, out on the right flank. Time went by, nothing happened. We started to get slack, pulled out some cookies and stuff and had a merry old time in the shade of the trees.

Suddenly, we hear an approaching car. Everyone gets ready, the woods turn dead silent as everyone waits. The car gets closer, but I cant see it, the building is in the way. It rounds the corner and sees the roadblock, the driver slams the breaks and tries to put in reverse. We open up. Some ten guys pound the car with their AR's, SMG's and long barrel Mausers. It was a hell of a gunfight....well, atleast for our side. One clip later of my G3 the squad leader yells "Pull back! Regroup ASA1". I turn and start running through the dense brush, cutting across towards the narrow trail to the fixed base. I see three guys ahead of me, running full speed. Then I hear someone say "What da fu..." followed by full auto fire. I throw myself to the side of the trail as guns go off in front and behind. I see my mates on the trail, ducking or falling. More guns open up. "Shit!" I think. Knowing the area pretty well I run away from the trail and then head for the field base and then back towards the trail. I was hoping to come out behind whatever it was that had ambushed our little ambush. I enter the trail behind the 2nd squad, busy pounding my guys to pieces. Then, silence. I hear shouts, I know the voices to be those of the enemy squad...and I hear dogs. They are searching for survivors. I haul ass towards the fieldbase and throw myself in one of the trenches. Sitting there is my squad leader, grinning! "One hell of a fight, eh?". I chuckle and ask him how the fuck he made it out, being one of the guys that was ahead of me. Turns out he had been in front when colliding with the second team who had accidently stumbled on our retreat. My squad leader, realising he was in a bad position, didnt even bother to open fire. He had yelled "Collision! Cover!" and dove into the bushes. The second guy, being a rookie, had no idea what to do. So he got "hit" and went down.

Sitting there, in the trench, are the only two survivors of our grand ambush. Hardly any ammo left, with dogs and a hostile squad close by. What can you do, but run? So we ran. We ran all the way back to base. When the others came back, transported on a truck, we were allready having dinner. Ah, the luxury of being a survivor : )

[Oligo 1]

I live to take orders

Back when I was doing my military service in a heavy mortar company, we had to go on a long excercise up to the northern part of Finland. As it happened it was winter and also the coldest period for last ten years. The temperatures quickly dipped to -40 degrees Celcius. You can imagine we were a little pissed off at this.

There was one guy at our unit, who really snapped because of the weather and the bitching officers. So he decided to act out like a REAL trooper. Every time somebody gave him an order, he did the task without any complaints. But as soon as the task was completed, he just fell to the ground instantly like a wet sock and didn't move. Since there was about a meter of snow everywhere, it was really hard to find the guy after he had hit the deck. The officers tried for a while to stop this behaviour, but since he always obeyed orders, there wasn't much they could do.

Now it just happened that a general came by to inspect our positions, so our officers psychoed like hell to get everybody formed up to parade lines and such. But the poor sods forgot about our hard-core trooper who was again lying in some hole in the snow and thus failed to hear the form-up orders issued.

The general finally arrived and stepped out of his car. Our platoon leader shouted like a maniac: "ATTENTION!" Everybody snapped to attention in a split second, but before the general could say anything, our hard-core trooper lifted his head from a snowy hole some distance away and asked: "What now?" I swear I could see the veins in the forehead of our platoon leader, pounding away, especially when his whole platoon (and the general) burst out laughing...