Military Humor

[PLRSniper 3]

ha ha ha

[Epita 0]

Yeah, funny stres from the army are great, i would tell you some but, we in the AAC, in the BA are very serious we never mess about, so much so that the "No Fear" sign on my bird isn`t realy there honest, if only i had a pic of it, but due to classifications with the inside of the cocpit, u cant see it, ohh well, keep the stories coming thick and fast.

[el Gringo Loco 1]

Title: It's all in the way you say it

This time we were on exercise on the Munster training fields in northern Germany. It was already December and it was starting to get pretty cold outside actually. For us that was usually no problem because one of the trucks we always took with us on exercise was only needed to pull the generator. So that left us with quite a big decked loading room which was usually converted in our general living quarters. We had an electrical heating radiator in it, coffeemachine, bread toaster and 6 beds and a fridge. So we actually never slept outside. See the picture below for the interior of this truck.

Food was normally always brought to us by the logistics unit. Normally the food was always pretty good but on this particular day it was more than shite. So we also hoped that our CO had the same opinion about the food, because when he has he normally orders two of our unit to get some pizzas in town. So this day we were lucky, he ordered me and my mate to get some pizzas in town and to take his Mercedes jeep with us. So after noting all the orders down on paper we went on our way. I let my mate drive because normally speaking he is also my chauffeur when we are on a mission. (yes, I had my own driver in the army). So the training grounds at Munster make some great off-road rally tracks. So we were enjoying ourselves quite a little, till he took one bend to sharp and capseized the Mercedes. So there we were on our side in the car of our CO.

I thought that this really sucked because it was our own professional driving style which got us in this position. Although I could see that the damage to the car wasn't too bad I had to call in and ask the CO for recovery truck who could pull the car upright again. So I had to come up with a story to get the recovery truck and to keep the CO from becoming very pissed off at us. I knew that I couldn't lie, because he hated liars so much that if he ever caught you lying you could better apply for transfer to some other unit. But I knew that he liked a good joke now and then, so I thought if I could tell me problem in a funny way I might get off pretty easy. So I thought what to say, and in an instant I had it.

This is a loosely transcript of the radio message I put out.

[Me]Hello R24, this is N24A, over.

[CO] R24, over

[Me]N24A requesting hasty supply of new left outside car mirror at gridref XXXXX, over

[CO]R24, Why?, over

[Me]N24A, Because the Merc lies on top of it, over.

5 seconds of silence

After that I heard my CO bursting out in laughing, and asked us if no one was wounded and if the damage wasn't too big. I could affirm the last two questions and within an hour there was a recovery truck to put us back on our four wheels again. I gambled and it paid off.

Sometimes it's all in the way you tell something.

The into living compartiment converted truck which we used during exercises, note the bunks.

The damage to our CO's mercedes after our little escapade.

[Wobble 1]

I had a similar issue when I was 17 and totalled my first truck:

*ring ring ring*

Dad: hello..

ME: hey, mmm.. I have A problem..

Dad: what?

me:.. my headlights.. are fecing eachother..

dad: how?

ME: tree..

dad:.. ... is the truck ok..

Me: no, but the tree is.. and so am I since you ask..

I got an ass reaming but got back more in insurance than I paid for the truck, so it made good downpayment for my new one.

[Oligo 1]

Gentle Wake Up

It was another one of those exercises in the wild. It had been raining for days and it was cold. A typical summer in Finland. We had dug in our mortars and set up camp, looking for a good nights sleep. Not so. The brass decided to have a night shoot out, so everybody was rushed to their positions around the trusty mortars. Did I mention it was cold and raining and now it was also pitch dark? We waited there for the orders to fire.

Unfortunately, it all worked out as it usually does in the army. The "imminent" order to fire ended up delayed for hours and hours. So we all got a little pissed off. I was so tired, that I just lay on the ground next to the mortar, using my combat webbing as a pillow (the finnish combat webbing is a very good pillow, they probably designed it for that). I didn't mean to doze off, but I did.

From that sleep, there was a very gentle wake up. The 120mm mortar barked about two meters from my ear (no ear muffs). I was so startled I jumped to the air while my legs got tangled with my assault rifle and my rain poncho. I tripped and landed onto a pile of 120mm mortar shells. Then I properly woke up. Man, I got bruised beyond recognition, but I didn't feel at all sleepy anymore.

[el Gringo Loco 1]

Title: Why can't we sleep in our trucks.

When we were on the move in Bosnia we never could sleep in our trucks when we stopped for the night. Because our COs might think that the trucks could get attacked by serb artillery. We had to sleep between the trucks hahahahahaha. This is what they learn at the armed forces academy in Holland!

[el Gringo Loco 1]

I think most of the guys who said they are or were in the army in some other thread are just a bunch of liars.

How come I do not see any of your army stories over here? It's mainly only Noone's and my stories which are filling this thread. So Unless I do not see any other stories come up, I am forced to believe that Noone and I are the only members on this thread who actually have served.

And if you have served but don't want to write a story, well then you're just a lazy SOB and probably served with the army administration regiment pushing paperweights and pencils around

In other words.

<span style='font-size:15pt;line-height:100%'>Where are your stories??</span>

[Guest Scooby]

I am bit tired from last night and my head isnt yet fully functional so I'll keep it short and post few funny incidents

where you wouldnt believe to get in unless in army.

First some background. I did my military service in such place which was located at such place which offered good view of different typical Finnish terrain types. Swamps, lakes, hilly areas and ofcourse alot of forest.

During beginning of basic training we were training platoons movement formations. At first we did it at big asphalt area and I though we had easy day ahead but surprise surprise, all which seems to be easy in army most often turns out to be something else. After we had got familiar with basics our ltn. took us to small nearby swamp, which btw. was only swamp at that direction... We begun going through that swamp back and forth. As everyone knows when formation changes it is done as fast as possible.

After a while everyone was getting somewhat exhausted at running around swamp, getting their feet stuck all the time and falling over while trying to change formation as quickly as possible. After a short while my bad luck begun. We had a small river to cros and I hadnt given a though that equipment I was carrying and running at swamp would have made me unable to jump over the river... Soon enough I found myself standing at the middle of the river. Atleast I somehow realized to get my weapon up while falling in so that it did not get wet. Not that it would matter other than having more job in getting it dry so that it wont rust.

Not that what happened first wouldnt have been anything to worry about. Wasnt the first time crossing rivers and getting wet.

We had gone few km's further and were getting close to our barracks. Then I noticed how ground felt like I would have been walking on water bed. Didnt take long to find out myself half sunken and well stuck in swamp. After I managed to get myself out of the swamp all I could do was to laugh even though I had boots and pants full of mud. Being in army only for short while I had never had given a though of finding myself sunken in swamp. At that moment situation just felt somewhat absurd.

Rest of the training went well and we returned to barracks my friends were laughing and telling to me that they had guessed if someone would go through of that "water bed" it would be me because of my bad luck. When we got in my smile faded away when I begun cleaning my equipment and weapon which had also got her fair share of dirt from last incident.

Might not sound that funny for you readers but it is most likely hard to understand how situation was for me :)

[daniel barnett 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">nothing to do with real life but when asaulting a Morton i told my squad as follows:1,2,3 attack bmp.  4,5,6 attack AT soldier.  7,8,9 engage at will.  10, get me a biscuit!<span id='postcolor'>

funny sig

[Epita 0]

Come on, how can I prove that I'm in the BA by telling a funny story, we dont mess about, as I am an officer btw, so not much fun. Would show a photo, but no one has a digital camera on base so i cant. Damn.

[kriol 0]

Here's one more experience from Finnish army training. I "served my time" back in '91-'92.

Training was required by law, but there was a lot of inactivity. It could get boring as hell. One time we were transported into a forest in the middle of nowhere and told to watch for aircraft 24 hours a day. We had a tent and a radio for reports every other hour. Positioned on a hill rising just above the treetops, we had a rotating shift of one man watching the sky (cloud cover was low, we didn't see any aircraft in five days!) and another man watching what was practically the only route leading to our camp.

After three days the men really needed some activity. So we built a snowman in our guard post. Complete with helmet and plenty of other gear. We went back in our tent and considered adding a note saying "Stop or i'll shoot!" in the snowman's hand. Of course right then our platoon leader decided to stop by unannounced. He walked right into our camp without anyone noticing.

I got my fair share of the heat, since i was one of the two corporals present. After a lot of yelling, the only punishment was an order to move our tent 20 meters north. With all the snow that took a while though. After the officer had left, we made up a firing squad and executed the snowman for sleeping on guard duty. Of course, we only had soft tipped training ammo. But when we removed the required gas brakes from the assault rifles, we managed to knock the snowmans head off

[Tydium 0]

I served in the Finnish army Signal corps as a corporal

Signal corps task is among other things to form the backbone of the brigades signal network. One brigade has 24 signal stations for this task. Station is manned be one corporal and six privates.

Once we were on exercise and one squad leader recieved a movement order. He was ordered to move his station in the given cordinates and as always he was given a time when everything was supposed to be ready in the new position. It was something like 2200 when he recieved these orders. Well they got their gear together and they started driving towards the assigned location. This guy wasn't so good at reading the map so ofcourse they got lost. When he realised that he was lost he ordered the driver to park the vehicle and told his squad that they could start sleeping. Ofcourse he should have tried to find out where he was and continue to the assigned position (how hard can it be ? He was driving on the main road. There are always crossroads with signs on them) or radio to the command post for instructions.

The assigned time went past.

First nobody noticed, because everybody tought that they just were late. It's quite common. After some time we started to wonder where his station was and we tried to contact him. No answer was recieved. So we notified our company HQ and asked if they had any info about this station. They didn't. After this couple of instructors started looking for them.

After several hours of looking the instructors managed to find this station and ofcourse the squad was sleeping. I heard that the instructors were quit pissed. I'm not sure what they said to this guy but I'm sure that it wasn't anything positive.

[Noone 4]

I am still here, just too tied to write right now... I'll add some stories tomorrow...

[Angry Radish 0]

I'll see if I can dig up some pictures of the time one of our C-141b's came unseated from it's jacks during the lowering procedure. One of them went right through the wing, fuel everywhere, etc...

They ended up removing the wings off the aircraft because of all the damage, and making it a ground trainer for flight engineer and loadmaster training, looks pretty damn strange now.

I'd add all kinds of stories, but most of them wouldn't make any sense to anyone, because they pretty much have to do with amusing things pilots/co=pilots/flight engineers did with the systems, so they would require some knowledge of them :-(

But, if anyone has knowlege of aircraft systems, and wants to hear some geeky avionics stories, let me know and I'll post em here :-)

[madmike 0]

BATUS-CANADA

At the british army training unit in canada they do long live firing exercises and after you come off the range(massive, for tanks and alot of other vehicles you have to say to the person/s in charge of the range "I have no live rounds or empty cases in my percestion sir".

This includes people with rifles and tank commanders.

well in case someone does find a live round or empty case they made a honesty box so people could drop it off and nobody would know.

One day a shell from a challenger was found crammed into this little box along with the usual rounds.

How the hell can somebody not spot a shell that is, what? 2 feet tall?

I was told this by somebody

[Renagade 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (madmike @ Feb. 17 2002,02:10)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">BATUS-CANADA

At the british army training unit in canada they do long live firing exercises and after you come off the range(massive, for tanks and alot of other vehicles you have to say to the person/s in charge of the range "I have no live rounds or empty cases in my percestion sir".

This includes people with rifles and tank commanders.

well in case someone does find a live round or empty case they made a honesty box so people could drop it off and nobody would know.

One day a shell from a challenger was found crammed into this little box along with the usual rounds.

How the hell can somebody not spot a shell that is, what? 2 feet tall?

I was told this by somebody<span id='postcolor'>

lool whats the deal with not being able to keep empty shells

[ralphwiggum 6]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (Renagade @ Feb. 17 2002,19:32)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE"></span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">BATUS-CANADA

At the british army training unit in canada they do long live firing exercises and after you come off the range(massive, for tanks and alot of other vehicles you have to say to the person/s in charge of the range "I have no live rounds or empty cases in my percestion sir".

This includes people with rifles and tank commanders.

well in case someone does find a live round or empty case they made a honesty box so people could drop it off and nobody would know.

One day a shell from a challenger was found crammed into this little box along with the usual rounds.

How the hell can somebody not spot a shell that is, what? 2 feet tall?

I was told this by somebody<span id='postcolor'>

lool whats the deal with not being able to keep empty shells <span id='postcolor'>

The Shell is good for display, and can be used as pencil holder?

[madmike 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">lool whats the deal with not being able to keep empty shells <span id='postcolor'>

I think it is for safety, if they allowed people to keep empty cases then the standards would slip and people might start taking live ammunition, which includes blanks.

Blanks can be dangerous.

In Scotland a boy was blinded becuase he found a blank round that after troops had been doing a public demo in a park. He found the blank a few days later and took it home and put it on top of the cooker hob. hey presto it exploded when he was inches away from it and left him blind

[Renagade 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (madmike @ Feb. 17 2002,19:48)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE"></span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">lool whats the deal with not being able to keep empty shells <span id='postcolor'>

I think it is for safety, if they allowed people  to keep empty cases then the standards would slip and people might start taking live ammunition, which includes blanks.

Blanks can be dangerous.

In Scotland a boy was blinded becuase he found a blank round that after troops had been doing a public demo in a park. He found the blank a few days later and took it home and put it on top of the cooker hob. hey presto it exploded when he was inches away from it and left him blind <span id='postcolor'>

lol stupid dick thats almost as bad as the idiots who light firecrackers then hold them till they go off

[madmike 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">lol stupid dick thats almost as bad as the idiots who light firecrackers then hold them till they go off <span id='postcolor'>

So do you expect children to be born with knowlege of handling weapons?

[Renagade 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (madmike @ Feb. 17 2002,21:23)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE"></span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">lol stupid dick thats almost as bad as the idiots who light firecrackers then hold them till they go off <span id='postcolor'>

So do you expect children to be born with knowlege of handling weapons? <span id='postcolor'>

welll u never specified the age of this kid but usually a good dose of common sense should be applied when handling stuff like that

[Guest Scooby]

There was a case where Finnish soldier died when he got hit by a wooden tip of 7.62 blank round long time ago. There have been many (other than those affecting to hearing) injuries by blank rounds.

Even though they are "blank rounds" they are not to play with.

I read that in WW2 it was quite common for soldiers to take equipment and weapons from dead enemies to home from front. Thats untill MPs begun to search them better after someone tried to get light mortar back to home.

[Goldeneye 0]

the stories of noone and l24a are very good , the only stories ive got to tell are college ones

[Noone 4]

Operation “Wet pantsâ€

It was in 1995… or 1996 ? Don’t remember right now. Our guys from Mossad assassinated a well-known terrorist Eli Ayash aka “Engineerâ€. So we expected a retaliation. That evening our CO gathered us for a night-patrol briefing. He said that according to field intelligence report we should expect an attack against our base that night. He pointed at me and another guy : “I need two volunteers. You and youâ€. We had to scout the forest between our base and PA town of Tulkarem for possible terrorists strike team. We took our equipment and entered the woods. First 10 minutes we felt heroes, bravely walking through the forest with flashlights, looking for those scum terrorists. Then we decided to turn off the flashlights to prevent them from discovering us first. 10 minutes later we began to argue who’s gonna carry the radio – it could protect from a rear shot. After 10 more minutes we realized that it’s dark and scary around there. It was raining and a strong wind was blowing, so we could hardly see or hear anything. 5 minutes later we decided to lay an ambush for terrorists instead of rushing on them and found ourselves a nice bush. Then we decided that if we see them – we would not engage them, but wait till they pass and then report to base. After another 30 minutes we thought that our position is right between our base and Tulkarem, which puts us right on the terrorists way. We decided to move aside. We walked about a kilometer before deciding that we are far enough. 4 hours later headed back to the base to report “the area is clearâ€â€¦. We nearly soiled our pants that night…

[Oligo 1]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (L24A @ Feb. 16 2002,11:57)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">How come I do not see any of your army stories over here? It's mainly only Noone's and my stories which are filling this thread. So Unless I do not see any other stories come up, I am forced to believe that Noone and I are the only members on this thread who actually have served.<span id='postcolor'>

I seem to recall to have written some stories...?