Military Humor

[Noone 4]

He-he...

We had one similar too… Every time our CO was assigning vacations the dumb-ass just faded. One second he was standing like everybody else and the next – boom… He is laying on the ground – unconscious… Son of a b… Next thing – he was getting a medic and a vacation, taken from someone else, who deserved it much more…

And another one of my army stories...

Hostage situation

It happened after I have been lowered in rank for some …. Ehm… never mind. Anyway I was lowered in rank and sent to serve for some time into escort squad. All we had to do was to escort military criminals (both POWs and our soldiers) from prison to the court and back.. So they cuffed me to this guy, but didn’t give me the key. Why ? I guess they trusted me just a bit more then they trusted this guy… So we were sitting in the courts yard, waiting for his trial. (He was caught taking drugs, or selling drugs or stealing weapons or something like that– I don’t remember). And then all of a sudden I felt this awful loneliness. It was a loneliness of a hot dog in my stomach. It demanded some company. I had to eat. And I remembered that there is a nice place just by the court, where they had some nice skewers etc. So I proposed to my “prisoner†to go there while there was still time until his trial and have a snack. We sneaked out of the camp and headed to the “Shipudei Hadzhâ€. People were looking at us all the way – two soldiers cuffed to each other. We had a really nice meal (I paid for the poor sob) and headed back. When we approached the base we noted some strange activity inside. People were running and yelling. A rapid reaction team was inside. We asked a gate guard about it and he told us that there is a hostage situation. A prisoner has escaped and took a hostage - his escort guard. So we entered the base and sat down on the grass. We had front seats in the show. It was really fascinating to see all those SF guys running around, yelling… And then I saw my CO. And he saw me. He turned green. Then he yelled. He was yelling for about 15 minutes without stopping. It this guy chained to me that “escaped†and I was the “hostageâ€. Wooo…. I got court marshaled again…

[Wobble 1]

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! man, .. ok ok tell us what you got busted down for the first time (at beginning of story).. you cannot tease us like that!

[Noone 4]

Ok, you asked for it ...  

The official verdict of the court sounded something like :

Insubordination, insulting a superior officer, not obeying direct orders, armed assault, desertion with a personal weapon, losing valuable army equipment and causing damage to army’s property.

Now what I did to deserve such a verdict :

I lost my flak jacket and my officer decided to have me court marshaled for that (losing valuable army equipment), but I didn’t really loose it – it was stolen from my backpack. I was in a really bad mood – right after the field action, I haven’t seen home for quite a while, I was hungry, I felt sick etc. My officer knew that the flack-jacket was stolen, but preferred to cover up the thief – we all knew who did it. So I told my CO to fu…k the hell off, to go and have sexual relations with his mother etc etc etc. He said that I’ll go into jail for that, and I dared him to try. Then I took my backpack, loaded my M16 and headed out. Nobody tried to stop me, as I had a loaded weapon in my hands. I went home. And gave myself up after two weeks. I got court marshaled, lowered in rank and sent to jail. After that - the escort squad service for a month...

That’s my story…

[Charlie_McSheenie 1]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (Noone @ Feb. 12 2002,13:25)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">Ok, you asked for it ...  

The official verdict of the court sounded something like :

Insubordination, insulting a superior officer, not obeying direct orders, armed assault, desertion with a personal weapon, losing valuable army equipment and causing damage to army’s property.

Now what I did to deserve such a verdict :

I lost my flak jacket and my officer decided to have me court marshaled for that (losing valuable army equipment), but I didn’t really loose it – it was stolen from my backpack. I was in a really bad mood – right after the field action, I haven’t seen home for quite a while, I was hungry, I felt sick etc. My officer knew that the flack-jacket was stolen, but preferred to cover up the thief – we all knew who did it. So I told my CO to fu…k the hell off, to go and have sexual relations with his mother etc etc etc. He said that I’ll go into jail for that, and I dared him to try. Then I took my backpack, loaded my M16 and headed out. Nobody tried to stop me, as I had a loaded weapon in my hands. I went home. And gave myself up after two weeks. I got court marshaled, lowered in rank and sent to jail. After that - the escort squad service for a month...

That’s my story…<span id='postcolor'>

lol, the side of you i never thought was there.

i was thinking you were in jails for years as i read through all those offences

[Noone 4]

Nah... Just 30 days in jail. 5 of them in a solitary cell. Oh and I forgot to tell what was "the damage to army's property" - I got really sick while walking from then base under the rain and caught a very nasty flue. So the prosecutor convinced the judge that I did that on purpose, so that I can get away from duty. And that is called “damage to army's property", as all soldiers considered “army’s propertyâ€. I know it sound stupid, but that’s how it is written in armys regulations.

[Wobble 1]

my cousin got 2 daysin jail for getting a bad sunburn.. he damaged military property.

[Albert Schweitzer 10]

Realy great stories Noone ! We were missing interesting threads like this for a while, wonder why nevery anyone had the idea?

Anyway, In German military you "can" even get punished for having cut your hair too short, they call it "Selbstverstümmeling" which means "having harmed yourself deliberately". Which of course is not allowed.

Germany has great experience in this field. During Stalingrad-battle soldiers were willing to blow their leg away just to get a permit to get on a plane back to Germany (smart enough cause in average out of 100 soldiers only 4 survived).

[KingBeast 0]

Ah just like in the film Stalingrad, when the germies stole some medical passes from a couple of corpses so they could get the last plane out. But they didnt make the plane

*sobs*

[Charlie_McSheenie 1]

I thought they did get on its just the guys were being cunts and only the generals and stuff got on.

*sobs*

[KingBeast 0]

Well I mean the main characters didnt get on the plane, Fritzy and the other 2 I think. Poor buggers

[Fenna 0]

*also sobs*

[Albert Schweitzer 10]

I know it doesnt belong here and it is certainly not gonna be me who is gonna ruin this thread here, but has anyone seen this guy

The reason is simple, little germany is doing great during the winter-olympics and I want it to stay this way, unfortunately is this person with the beautiful name "Fawaz Yahya al-Rabeei" willing to blow up some of my loved sports-fellows. I dont want him to do this so please call the local police-officer if you see this guy at your favourite butcher waiting in line to get his 150g of chicken

[el Gringo Loco 1]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (madmike @ Feb. 12 2002,00:08)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">when the idian army went to bosnia they all had to be issued with driving lisences becuase they had to have them becuase NATO? said. The idians then quikly designed them and issued them.

Hey L42A, when were you in Bosnia? have you been there just the once? It looks like 1995<span id='postcolor'>

I've been twice to bosnia. Once in '93 under the flag of unprofor where I was training in sarajevo for human target with my blue helmet on and the shitty ROE which existed then.

And once in '95 as part of the RRF which went under NATO flag. The bosnia stories in this thread are from this rotation.

[el Gringo Loco 1]

To prevent this thread going off-topic, here another good story.

Title: Thank god, it still works

When we went on exercise abroad we were regularly training with foreign forces. One thing we always tried to do was swap our rations for foreign ones. The dutch rations are probably the most disgusting ones on this planet (except for the finnish "canned loof" and the isreali tinned cow-organs perhaps). So when we met some foreign units we tried to swap their rations for ours. This ofcourse only worked when the guys in the foreign unit never had dutch rations before, otherwise you were outta luck.

So one day my unit was training in France together with french artillery. So, maybe you don't know, but the french rations are excellent. They actually try to convert the french cuisine into a little ration, and honestly they do a pretty damn well job on that. They have meals like Duck l'orange, cannoli or lentilles avec sausages (forgive me my french spelling) in their rations. So for this exercise I had a new conscript attached to me which I had to learn some basic artillery skills. So I said to him, most important thing to do on a exercise abroad is try to swap your rations. As the guy already knew the dutch rations from the initial army training he had, he quickly agreed with me.

So we went to some french guys and asked if they were interested in swapping some french rations for dutch ones. As they probably never tasted dutch rations, they were eager to swap a couple. So that evening my unit had a pretty good meal.

Next day was a rest day so I thought lets socialise a little with those french guys, as they had a pretty nice stock of stella artois and our stock of heineken was already exhausted after the 3rd day in the field. So I took the new guy with me and told him we were going to socialise with some french soldiers.

So after a while we met the same guys with whom we swapped our rations last evening, they invited us for a beer and of course we couldn't refuse.

So in their unit tent we had a nice conversation on army life sipping on a can of stella. Then the new guy asked a french guy why they were so eager to swap their rations with our dutch ones. The french soldier clearly noted that my student was a very green soldier and must have thought to pull his leg a little. So he said to the guy: Listen, there is something you don't know about french rations. Besides that they are pretty good, they also add camphor to the food to keep your dick down in the field and prevent you from jumping your mate. He also said the one ration contained enough camphor to keep your dick down for some 4 days.

My student looked at the french soldier in awe and with big round eyes he said to him. You must be joking, right? The french soldier said, Nope, why would we otherwise swap our superior rations with your dutch cow-food. My student stood up and walked to his own tent in the dutch compound. Meanwhile the french soldier and I were laughing our butts off. But, you never believe this. After 10 minutes my student returns to the tent and said to the french soldier, you were lying, I've checked it

I think I was laughing for another hour after that remark.

[madmike 0]

Alot of the British are getting pissed off with Bosnia becuase some of them have done over 4, 6 months tours mainly becuase there is a shortage of troops.

The women that toppled that ISO container over must have been in REME cus that trucks a Foden Recovery vehicle.

I cant belive her, she must be so dappy, she would of had months off training to do lifts like that.

oh I have a funny story.

When I went to Belize there was a medic(welsh) who was going out with a prositute at the local whore house.

One day they decided to sprus their love life up a bit, so she asked her friend to join in.

Anyway they picked her up in a taxi but all got carried away in the back. The taxi driver saw this and also got excited so he left the car and started wanking outside by the rear window.

A police car went past and saw him, then stopped. he got done for something like indecent exposure along with the other three.The medic was having the piss taken out of him for months after and he nearly got discarged from the army.

[Oligo 1]

In Your Face

Another funny thing came to my mind. This happened during a week long summer exercise. It was a typical summer in Finland and of course it was raining for the whole goddamn week.

Midway through the week, everybody was totally pissed. Unfortunately so was our squad leader, who kept bitching at our squad all the time. We bit our teeth together and endured, until we had to take up positions in a really muddy patch of land.

Now to prepare a heavy towed 120mm mortar for firing, you have to dig a big hole for the base plate. Then you lower the base plate into the hole and showel dirt to the open spaces left. A good kicking with the heel of your boot nicely secures the baseplate to the ground.

Noticing the muddy state of the ground in our new positions, we realized there was room for a little revenge to our squad leader. We did the lowering part, but instead of dirt, we used wet mud to fill the excess space in the hole. Little dry dirt on the surface covered our deed.

Time for firing came eventually and our squad took their positions around the mortar. The squad leader was the only one positioned directly behind the mortar, since he had to pull the firing cord. The poor sod asked why everybody was grinning like crazy.

Orders came and our loader slammed in a shell. The squad leader lifted his hand and acknowledged readiness. The order to fire was given and our belowed leader pulled the cord. You can imagine the 120mm baby coughing out the first shell with a satisfying thump. You can also imagine the baseplate pressing down with the force of the recoil and about a half ton of mud splashing all over our sarge.

The coolest part was that he couldn't give us any shit, since inspecting the mortar positioning was one of his jobs...

[Noone 4]

Because I am high

This one happened to a friend of mine. We served together for half a year and then he asked for a transfer. After a while he was transferred to an armor brigade. He was a junky, not a really heavy one but still. So that day they had a night fight. CO sent him up on the MG. Earlier that day my friend took some LSD and was err… high. The MG was loaded with traces. When he got up on the turret, all of a sudden trance music started un his head. Eets-eets-eets… And all those explosions around, and the tracers… It looked like a dance party (to him). CO ordered “30 degrees left, short burst – fire !†He fired. And really liked it. Flashy tracers going into the dark of the night. And he fired again. And again. And again. The music. The lights.

“20 degrees right. Fire !â€

“No can do, sirâ€

“Why ?!â€

“Out of ammo…â€

[loopy 0]

g`day any of you boys x or serving airbourne boys maroon machine. got heaps of storys on ni(northern Ireland) and others if you are intersted. Ist patrol I ever did was scary enough nearly taking out a kid pointing a plastic rifle at our full screw could have had a nasty result. Being spat at "you F......g para Bastard etc it was lovely you think hmm so that why I joined the army eh. The sickning thing was you knew who the main"players" were but could do nothing about it they would strut around smerking at you. (no offense intended to any irish guys don`t want to get into a irish brit bagging thing.

[el Gringo Loco 1]

* edit

[el Gringo Loco 1]

Title: Female truck drivers

After spending some two weeks in the sand on a training ground in The Netherlands we were eager to get home. So at the last day we packed all our gear and waited for the personnel truck which was sent to our unit in the field to bring us back to our barracks. So after an hour of waiting the truck finally came and it turned out that it had a female truck driver. Everyone in my unit was already saying: "Oh no, not a female truck driver" because they tend to drive very slow with a big truck and we were in a hurry to get back to our barracks because the Dutch soccer team played a match that evening and we al wanted to watch that in our batteries bar.

So we already thought that our chances of seeing the match were gone. So we got in the back of the truck, our sergeant in the front, and crawling into our green maggots for the probably two hour back journey to our barracks. But once we were driving we were very pleased to notice that this girl was not a typical female truck driver. She was really putting her foot down and we were doing some 60 km/h in the field and some 100 when we were back on the main road. Everybody was smiling in the back of the truck because we couldn't believe the spell of luck we just encountered. After 45 minutes of driving the girl stopped the truck for a obligatory piss-break, a couple of the lads went pissing and the other guys went to the front of the truck to compliment the girl on her driving style. She was shy and was very chuffed by the things we said. We even invited her to come see the match with us in our bar. So after ten minutes we were driving again for the last stretch at least doing 100 km/h.

Then in an instant we were all catapulted forward as the truck did emergency braking procedure. As all the guys were laying in their green maggots no one could brace themselves and we were all piled up on each other against  the front of the loading room. There were surely some injuries but we were more afraid for the reason she had to brake. We just hoped that no one was hit in front of the truck. So a couple of us went out of the truck to see what happened. They saw our sergeant bullocking away at the girl, the girl was crying. What happened: She obviously made an emergency stop at 100 km/h for a fluffy bunny which tried to cross the road before the oncoming truck.

Result: One guy with two broken ribs, One guy with a broken wrist and one with a broken underarm. The rest had more or less severe bruising. You can't imagine how happy we were. In the end the sergeant had to protect the girl because some of us in the back were planning to get girl from the front and tie her to a tree in the woods and go on without her.

So, girls even can be great drivers (how impossible it even sounds), but when fluffy animals are put in the equation you're always fucked.

[KingBeast 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">So, girls even can be great drivers (how impossible it even sounds), but when fluffy animals are put in the equation you're always fucked.<span id='postcolor'>

lol thats got to be the best quote ive heard in a while Time to update my profile!

(shortened it so it would fit, and changed a word around here and there )

[el Gringo Loco 1]

Title: MLRS joy-riding

When I was serving in the artillery I had to learn to use most of the equipment available to us. The idea was that everyone was multifunctional in our unit and always could use the equipment left by the enemy or friendly troops. So actually I learned to use the M109, M110 and some other howitzers. We also had to learn to use the MLRS system. So one day we had a night exercise with the MLRS and I was 2IC on a MLRS. The training grounds were opposite to our barracks so we only had to cross a main civilian road once before we were on the fields. As it was in the middle of the night, the driver of the MLRS asked me if I wish to see the performance of the system on a flat road. He said that he would just drive some 500m down the road and after that he would bend into the training field. So because nobody was on the road and frankly I liked to see its performance I ok'd the manouvre. So the driver turns the MLRS on the road and starts to accelerate. The vehicle was really driving, I think we did around 60 km/h. But when he wanted to go off the road into the fields he saw that his way was obstructed by some roadworks. So he turned to me, smiled and said I'm afraid that we have to do another kilometer on the road before we can turn. Actually I believed the cunt, soon after I found out that a MLRS can turn on a dime,  so there we went on full speed. After some 500m we saw blue flaslights in our side mirrors. Goddamn military police stopped us and threw us in jail because they thought we were drunk and had stole the vehicle. After an hour our CO came, got us out of jail and told the MP some bullshit story why we were driving where we were. Actually the MP bought it and we were free again. Needless to say that we received a nice bullocking from our CO but after that everything was cool again.

[DarkLight 0]

LMAO these stories are great, i'm feeling a bit sorry for your CO's after reading all this. Hehehe, we want more, mooooooore!

[Wobble 1]

this guy once told me being a CO is like beaing a kindergarden teacher.. I now see the resemblence

[brgnorway 0]

During my service in the norwegian coast artillery there was this underofficer whom was inspecting the rooms. Funny thing is when he inspected if the window was properly cleaned he hit his head - and started to cry. What an idiot!