Military Humor

[Zorbtek 0]

So George Bush's assistant catches him up on the previous night's events one morning over breakfast. "There was a bombing in Tel-Aviv, fourteen people died. One of our bombs mistakenly hit a school. Only two janitors and a cafeteria worker were still in the building, so there were only three causalties. Luckly no children." Bush responds emotionlessly, as he usually does, "Oh. Well that's alright then." The assisstant continues, "We also mistakenly bombed a home in Rio. Two brazilians were killed."

Bush looks paniced, devastated even. The assistant is shocked as news of such things doesn't usually get to the President, he doesn't usually care.

Finally, after seconds of silence, Bush pipes up. "How many millions are in a brazilian?"

[Ironsight 1]

http://www.break.com/index/alzarfool.html

[NorthenNat 0]

That was a pretty good vid Ironsight.

[TDogg 0]

That was pretty funny when the guy burnt his hand when he grabbed the SAW by the barrel.

[brataccas 0]

wow humvees are crap!

[shinRaiden 0]

Er, that's a bit misleading there. The jeeps are light enough that they're not going to bog down, plus those jeeps and the power wagon have been heavily re-kitted specificly for what they're out doing, options which don't appear to be in place for the hummer.

Secondly, the wheel base and ground clearance are radically different between the YJ and the Hummer, and even the XJ for that matter. As a result, the technique for climbing a hummer is going to be significantly different than for a Jeep. Now the power wagon, well the hummer can drive under it and through the ruts it trenches.

It's more about the technique than it is about the rig. I've got a 2L 4-banger Mazda 626 that I've beat a Nissan 300Z Turbo roadster on the 148th NE quarter mile between Microsoft and Nintendo by 2+ car lengths, cause he couldn't find 2nd and there was a red light. Had it been a half mile I would have been toast. Or my dad who out hill-climbed a Dodge turbo cummins boomer in his 180K miles 1980 2L honda accord hatchback that looked nasty from the paint spots from rabbit pee.

Which reminds me it's story time...

Quote[/b] ]

I was on my home from a church weeknight youth group meeting with my brother in our beatup old '86 Ford E250 12 psgr van that my brother was using for a construction rig since it had the space and wouldn't look any worse for the wear. A about a half mile from home down past the guy's barn that got busted last summer for pimping farm animals, there's a big huge hill that punk kids are always racing over on the straights past the dairy farms. The downside is that there's an unlit intersection halfway under the crest. Cross traffic has to stop, but it takes a truck 3 or more gears to get across it due to having to stop on the slope. A lot of kids have gone through the 5 wire fence as a result over the years, and that's why I like driving bigger rigs.

Anyways, we were cresting the top and saw some blinkers in the ditch down below. At the bottom where it flattens out there's no shoulders and just giant ditchs you could hide a standard compact car in and not see it driving by at night. Some dude was nose in and partially blocking this road where there was always a serious risk of people coming over the crest side by side doing 90+.

So my brother and I took a detour to check him out since nobody else was there and it was getting dark and late. Some n00b kid from the city was on his way to a friend's house out there but got really good and lost, tried to flip a u-turn, and rolled his nose into the ditch. No problems, this van will have you popped out quick, we do it all the time. Well, the problem was he picked the narrowest spot of the road, and that van has some significant wheelbase to work with, and I'm not about to go in to the other ditch. I tripled the tow strap over and had our bumpers about as close as I dared, but still couldn't get him up high enough that he could catch hold and stay up. Btw, he was driving a 2wd Ford Ranger, rear wheel drive, and almost standing nose-in the ditch.

We tried some other tricks but I couldn't put much angle in to get more distance since the ditch was so deep. I didn't want to risk rolling him or torquing his front axle since the county had recently dredged the bottom squaring it off and locking him in tight. It was straight up and back or not at all.

So about this time a carload of illegals drove up heading somewhere after a long shift of doing whatever they do on the dairy farms. They hopped out to supervise then one offered to go back to the farm and grab a tractor since it had a shorter wheelbase. The rest stood around to be crowd control, considering they were the only crowd.

Meanwhile some kid who I strongly suspect to have been underage and anyway not permitted to take daddy's H2 on a joyride to impress his equally underage girlfriend pulled up with a dog in the back. Wanting to be all pimp and show off his truck he hopped out and stood around with his hands in his pockets. I went over to give him a piece of my mind for being in the way like a good dork when I noticed daddy had put a wench on the front bumper to go with the winch inside the cab. So I had him spin around and back up to the far side and run out the cable. Being an expert professional at such things, he put it in park, didn't set the e-brake, and turned off the engine to run the winch on manual.

Meanwhile the iilegal's car had come back, and a smashed up Chevy 2500 dually ranch truck pulled up with an irate krumedgeon farmer and his senile or zoloft'ed kid. I told him where he could shove his tail pipe and said he could either hop down in the ditch with me and fish this poor n00b out or take the other road into town to buy his kid some more meds.

Anyway, the illegals decided they were getting outnumbered and the longer we were standing around the more likely the cops would show up, so they split. Which was good because we needed to reposition the hummer since the kid didn't know how to drive, or park.

Our first plan was to yard it out by the rear axle since that Ranger body doesn't have a significant frame bumper. That didn't work because the hummer was tall enough with the centerline camber and ditch deep enough that pulling like that would have kept the rear traction axle off the ground. So since the grumpy farmer was being a know-it-all putz and the hummer kid had brains as little as his dog's face was full of drool, so I sent the farmer under the ranger to show his kid a thing or two, while I got a quick second to tell hummer boy to don't touch nothin.

Anyways, our next bright idea was to run the wich cable under the body and loop it around the front axle, yard him up, then have him steer out once he was up out of the bottom. But the bottom was squared deep enough that I could tell that n00b kid would bust stuff if he turned too early. So I told n00b kid to disregard whatever plumber farmer was saying, only take directions from me, and don't turn until I say.

Meanwhile the farmer had gotten himself wedged under the truck in the ditch so we had to yard him out. I hollered at hummer boy to start his wenching, and by golly it was working. Meds boy was starting get hyper, the dogs could care less, and hummer boy's girl was getting pretty put about about the whole spectacle. Then the dumb farmer guy yelled at n00b boy to crank 'er over, since he couldn't see that the wheels were still pinned. So n00b boy panics and cranks them over like a couple seconds to early, and squares off his left front wheel at 90deg just as it pops out onto the road.

Anyway farmer guy and meds boy are hooping and hollerin and yelling fer us all to get lost. I yell back to STFU since n00b boy ain't going nowhere since farmer guy just torqued up his truck. Must have been some loose CV type free joints or something, because that wheel was 90deg to the body jammed in place. Had he held off until he was 3 inches higher he would have been out perfect with only scratches.

Ah, fun with other people's expensive toys.

[chipper 0]

ha good story.

btw this is 499th post. what thread shall have the honor of containing my 500th post?

[Messiah 2]

surely you mean what thread can you spam pointlessly... oh, i see that FFUR had that 'honour'

whilst i'm an advocate against the hummer, seeing it as an icon of american fuel guzzling over practicality, shinraiden makes a good point... none of those videos showed much in context or in the hands of people who seem appropiatly trained. I've attended a few off road courses in my time, and what i couldnt manage to make my land rover do in 30 minutes, the instructer did in 30 seconds.

[Espectro (DayZ) 0]

Well...

When I was in service here in Denmark... Hummers were allmost daily put into service due to some kinda weird brake-down. And still, our jeeps (called GDs) which I think were originally modified german tanks from ww2 (wasnt it (not sure - they were old for sure though)).

In the end, people were happy they were sent to iraq, so we could just drive our GDs... Until the hummers came home from iraq... One after one... wrecked

[herman01 0]

When I was in Iraq the first humvee I used I decided to permantly leave the tow bar on front because it broke down so much. It was a piece of crap partly becuase of all the armour imporvments. It was also a low rider for a week until I got 1114 springs into it. I made it mercedes to by taking one of symbols off one of the TCN trucks that we escorted daily. I had mercerdes lowrider humvee. I finally got an M1114 which was much better.

To add: they installed a 3k airconditioning system on my first humvee and it didnt even work.

by the way for humvee's off road capability. Of course armored versions will lack ability due to bulk but m998 cargo versions are terrific off road and I have personally taken them over much more complex and difficult terrain than seen in that video. It look like that guys was in a high gear anyways. He should of put in low and let the vehicle climb at low RPMs. Only true yuppie would buy a civilan humvee and risk tearing up an expensive as oppose to yj or cj jeep that could do the same thing off road.

[Ironsight 1]

Best army rap video since Tight Whips:

Lazy Ramadi

[Marco.A.Aguilar1 0]

Damn, lol, I was just about to post that.

[scary 0]

Whoopsy!

That looks... expensive. At least it will keep REME busy.

[da12thMonkey 1943]

Ouch, nice to see they're treating our shiny new HETs well.

Where was that?

[scary 0]

A31 on the way to Bov.

Apparently the CRARRV just slid off the trailer, tipping the HET.

The HET trailers are rubbish though, the old Scammels were more stable.

[BlackScorpion 0]

Ouch! UK right?

Hmmm... is that a Lidl I see in the background...? They seem to be everywhere. And I'm from Finland! German invasion!

[da12thMonkey 1943]

The HET trailers are rubbish though, the old Scammels were more stable.

The trailers may have been better but the tractors were bloody horrible things.

Yes BlackScorpion, it is the UK, and by the looks that is a Lidl.

[Ironsight 1]

[herman01 0]

Yeah if I was stuck at Camp CedarII I wouldnt been bored out of mind too.

[ralphwiggum 6]

last year there was a video of US soldiers doing CQB excercise in going into porta potty. We all thought it was a joke, but seems like it actually is a serious training

[Harnu 0]

I went to CIF last week (gear issue), and they didn't issue me a vest (flak). Their reason, it's on back order. And right now I might be leaving for Iraq within a month or two. I hope UPS makes a stop soon

[HotShot 0]

last year there was a video of US soldiers doing CQB excercise in going into porta potty. We all thought it was a joke, but seems like it actually is a serious training

Military version of 'how many people can you fit in a phone booth', that or its a porta loo version of the wardrobe to narnia.

And as for the Tanks falling off the Trailer. I dont know if it was that one or another incident, but a few months back i remember that happened and crushed a car behind it and killed some people.

[sander 14]

Current military buzzwords explained in plain English

Regards,

Sander

[AvanGard 0]

"Can somebody please clear the runway."

[Acecombat 0]

That is Photoshopped right?