Military Humor

[Gollum1 0]

Looking good, FP

But this is the military stupidity thread! Tell us about some more of the insane antics you´ve been up to...

[-TU--33ker 0]

You should keep that badge after you've finished your training. If you make a mistake you can always say: "I'm just a trainee and it's my first day!"

I just got the letter that I won't be conscripted, but still don't know whether to be happy or sad.

[Assault (CAN) 1]

Heard this one this weekend:

An NCO and a few troops were playing the act of enemy force on a bridge that was going to be attacked later in the day. They had blank ammo and some pyrotechnics at their disposal, mainly smoke, thunder-flashes (imitation grenades), and some artillery simulators. Now, 'arty sims' contain about a 1/4 stick of TNT with a 10 second fuse and a five second whistle. They have a loud blast and quite a concusion, so there is a safety radious of about 15m.

The troops had been there a while and were pretty bored. Army people world wide are known for doing stupid things with their equipment to keep themselves amused. The NCO was standing by the bridge when he noticed some catfish swimming in the water below, so he takes some arty sims and begins dropping them in the water to kill some fish.

An excercise observing officer then runs down to the bridge and says to the NCO; "What the f*ck do you think you're doing?!" To this he replies; "Feedin' the troops sir!"

A smile broke out on the officers face and he turned around and walked away shaking his head and said; "Carry on."

[Snypa UK 0]

dunno if this counts as military but a friend of mine is a police officer and one of his mates was out with his speed gun and he accidentally picked up a low flying harrier. Anyway he was lucky the harrier wasnt carrying missiles as they would have launched themselves at the speed radar with him still attached.

Thts how to deal with those bloody bobbys

[Badgerboy 0]

dunno if this counts as military but a friend of mine is a police officer and one of his mates was out with his speed gun and he accidentally picked up a low flying harrier. Anyway he was lucky the harrier wasnt carrying missiles as they would have launched themselves at the speed radar with him still attached.

Thts how to deal with those bloody bobbys

Urban legend.

Technically impossible.

[-TU--33ker 0]

I've read something similar on these boards a while ago. A German Tornado jammed a speedgun which was directed at it by policemen who wanted to find out how fast it was.

[Badgerboy 0]

$33ker @ Oct. 15 2003,18:47)]I've read something similar on these boards a while ago. A German Tornado jammed a speedgun which was directed at it by policemen who wanted to find out how fast it was.

Take it all with a pinch of salt.

1. Everyone seems to know someone who knows someone who has done it.

2. In peacetime, jets generally don't always fly around with their RWR's on, and even if they are on, the jammer is never set to auto, even if the system supports it.

3. RWR's would phase out the spike from a speed gun, they only detect preprogamed threats.

4. No A/C has an 'auto fire' anti radiation missile system. The pilot retains lauch authority in all situations.

As for the above, Harriers rarely carry ALARMS, and they do not autofire.

Addionally, for a Tornado to actively jam a threat, it has to be carrying a ECM pod. They are not built into the airframe. (Always carried on the far hardpoints)

[-TU--33ker 0]

I didn't take it for granted when I've read this story on the forums.

And Germany has ECR Tornados.

[hellfish6 7]

This one is for Pins-Da-Smoka, who will soon be departing for the big sandbox:

How to Prepare for a Deployment to Iraq

1. Sleep on a cot in the garage.

2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.

3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or girlfriend whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong cot."

4. Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet down from the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the toilet and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself. Leave two to three sheets of toilet paper. Or for best effect, remove it altogether. For a more realistic deployed bathroom experience, stop using your bathroom and use a neighbor's. Choose a neighbor who lives at least a quarter mile away.

5. When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.

6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and dump dirt on your head.

7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on "HIGH" for that tactical generator smell.

8. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.

9. Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper noise level.

10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

11. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you.

12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other side of your bathtub.

13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a saltine cracker.

14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.

15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate there is no hot water by running out into your yard and breaking out the garden hose.

16. Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and put it back together again.

17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for five or six hours before drinking.

18. Invite at least 185 people you don't really like because of their strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months. Exchange clothes with them.

19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.

20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the sill every time you pass through one of them.

21. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your night stand and bring it to the bathroom with you. And bring your gun and a flashlight.

22. Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas, "just in case." -Every time.

23. Announce to your family that they have mail, have them report to you as you stand outside your open garage door after supper and then say, "Sorry, it's for the other Smith."

24. Wash only 15 items of laundry per week. Roll up the semi-wet clean clothes in a ball. Place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the garage where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and without ironing or removing the mildew, proudly wear them to professional meetings and family gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look or smell like. Enthusiastically repeat the process for another week.

25. Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find, go heavily armed, wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.

26. Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself it's for Malaria.

27. Demand each family member be limited to 10 minutes per week for a morale phone call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.

28. Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper ambiance.

29. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and fragmentation.

30. While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each overpass and culvert and inspect them for remotely detonated explosives before proceeding.

31. Fire off 50 cherry bombs simultaneously in your driveway at 3:00 a.m. When startled neighbors appear, tell them all is well, you are just registering mortars. Tell them plastic will make an acceptable substitute for their shattered windows.

32. Drink your milk and sodas warm.

33. Spread gravel throughout your house and yard.

34. Make your children clear their Super Soakers in a clearing barrel you placed outside the front door before they come in.

35. Make your family dig a survivability position with overhead cover in the backyard. Complain that the 4x4s are not 8 inches on center and make them rebuild it.

36. Continuously ask your spouse to allow you to go buy an M-Gator.

37. When your 5-year-old asks for a stick of gum, have him find the exact stick and flavor he wants on the Internet and print out the web page. Type up a Form 9 and staple the web page to the back. Submit the paperwork to your spouse for processing. After two weeks, give your son the gum.

38. Announce to your family that the dog is a vector for disease and shoot it. Throw the dog in a burn pit you dug in your neighbor's back yard.

39. Wait for the coldest/ hottest day of the year and announce to your family that there will be no heat/air conditioning that day so you can perform much needed maintenance on the heater/ air conditioner. Tell them you are doing this so they won't get cold/ hot.

40. Just when you think you're ready to resume a normal life, order yourself to repeat this process for another six months to simulate the next deployment you've been ordered to support.

[-TU--33ker 0]

ROFL

[ran 0]

hasn't he already left ?

[-TU--33ker 0]

Looks like he's back again. But I've seen only one post from him...

[Badgerboy 0]

I don't suppose anyone has read about this.

Quote[/b] ]Dr Strangelove goes live as secret Israeli missile test is mistakenly shown on TV

Ho ho ho. I'm surpirsed Avon didn't mention anything about this, seems it would be big news over there.

One can imagine access codes being changed very, very quickly. I'm sure all the other worlds nations were quick to pirate the feed, and file it under 'interesting'.

I posted this in the Mid East thread, but I'm posting it here as well as I believe its relevant to both.

[-33ker 0]

This isn't just military stupidity, It's some serious and dangerous military stupidity!

[blackdog~ 0]

$33ker @ Oct. 15 2003,18:47)]I've read something similar on these boards a while ago. A German Tornado jammed a speedgun which was directed at it by policemen who wanted to find out how fast it was.

Take it all with a pinch of salt.

1. Everyone seems to know someone who knows someone who has done it.

2. In peacetime, jets generally don't always fly around with their RWR's on, and even if they are on, the jammer is never set to auto, even if the system supports it.

3. RWR's would phase out the spike from a speed gun, they only detect preprogamed threats.

4. No A/C has an 'auto fire' anti radiation missile system. The pilot retains lauch authority in all situations.

As for the above, Harriers rarely carry ALARMS, and they do not autofire.

Addionally, for a Tornado to actively jam a threat, it has to be carrying a ECM pod. They are not built into the airframe. (Always carried on the far hardpoints)

Lets all buy one on ebay and see if it works for ourselves http://search.ebay.com/ws....order=2

[-33ker 0]

oh, it's just the radar gun... I thought you could bid for a tornado there...

[blackdog~ 0]

oh, it's just the radar gun... I thought you could bid for a tornado there...

you never know ;)

[CosmicCastaway 0]

Quote[/b] ](1970s, Northern Ireland) Back in the late 70s, intelligence units in Northern Ireland were issued exploding briefcases to carry sensitive documents. These briefcases were lined with oxygen bricks. To arm the case, one simply removed a small pin next to the handle of the case. Thus armed, an opened case would instantly combust, destroying everything within a meter's radius.

Because there was a half-second delay before the bricks ignited, the lids were designed to stop on a spring catch, so that no document could be rescued or photographed before it was destroyed.

To open the case safely, therefore, the sequence was:

1. Make sure the arming pin is in place.

2. Open the case.

3. Using a thin object such as a ruler, push back the spring catch.

4. The case will now open.

I won't embarrass the unit or the blonde female Lance Corporal involved by naming names, but in this particular case, the sequence went as follows:

1. Make sure the arming pin is in place.

2. Open the case.

3. Look for a small thin object to push back the catch.

4. Find none immediately available.

5. Notice that the arming pin is a small thin object.

6. Use the arming pin to push back the catch.

6. Kiss one "intelligence" unit goodbye.

From the Darwin Awards site.

[Jinef 2]

Shush Badgerboy, it's nice for us to keep up the myths.

Don't you go pointing that thing at us, we got super duper RWR that can destroy speed cameras automatically with huge EMP pulses!

And that's just on my peugot, let alone my private JSF!

[KJAM 0]

Quote[/b] ]2002 Darwin Award Nominee

Confirmed True by Darwin

(8 June 1983, North Carolina) The Army base at Fort Bragg has seen its share of military "accidents," including the following, a true story and an object lesson often recounted on explosive device ranges to teach soldiers a basic safety lesson: LEAVE A DUD ROUND WHERE IT LIES.

At the LAW (Light Anti-Tank Weapon) range, soldiers are afforded the rare privilege of firing a real LAW round, although the test rounds are smaller, and not armed with the full explosive power of the actual LAWs. They have an orange chalk warhead, and resemble a model rocket.

One day, the designated Range Safety Officer, Sergeant Lowe, was assigned the job of setting up the moving target with the assistance of a 3-man detail. "The installation of the target on the carrier was hampered by the absence of proper tools," so they improvised, and used a steel tent peg as a hammer to nail the target to the carrier.

While walking on the firing range, Sgt. Lowe spotted and picked up a M72A2 66mm LAW dud round that had not exploded upon impact with the target. The other men in the detail warned him to leave it on the ground, and let the EOD (Explosive Ordnance Detachment) handle it. Sgt Lowe replied, "Its just an old dud," and, to illustrate the innocuous nature of the round, began to strike it with the steel tent peg.

The second strike tripped the pressure-sensitive piezoelectric detonator, causing the round to explode. The explosion tore off Sgt. Lowe's left arm, parts of his right hand, and inflicted fatal wounds to his lungs and abdominal area.

Instead of the EOD, a medical evacuation aircraft was dispatched from the hospital, and an Army Forensics Team arrived to literally scoop up the remains of the former "Range Safety Officer."

Always remember, leave a dud round where it lies!

got this from the darwin awards and they "confirmed" it to be true but i cannot 100% say.

Hell i am not in the army and i know better than to pick up a "dud" round and hit it with something, hell i wouldnt even pick it up

[blackdog~ 0]

Look:

<span style='font-size:12pt;line-height:100%'>download this</span>

Download and watch this first... then read:

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news....ge.html

[desantnik 0]

YES!!!!

[jaenak 0]

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[korax 4]

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

LOL!

Ahahahah thats the funniest thing i've ever heard, no offence, ofcourse      

[jaenak 0]

Just goes to show that when your head gets too big, something will always happen to bring you back out of the clouds. Or as the Bible says, "Pride comes before a fall".

I wish I could have seen that commander's face when he heard that! I couldn't have said it better than that Canadian if I tried.