Military Humor

[el Gringo Loco 1]

This thread was one of the best threads on the board some 6 months ago. Please all you guys help me to rebuild it. This is the place to put all your military stupidy events and have a good laugh.

Title: How the fuck do we know, we're artillery

My mate and I were driving back to our little camp on Mt. Igman after we had collected our mail from the english army base camp on Mt. Igman. After a while we saw a english woman soldier waving to us from the side of the road gesturing us to stop. So we stopped and asked her what the problem was. She told us that she had only become shortly the driver of a mobile crane unit and she could use some help because she had to pick up a prefab from the side of the road and load on the back of her truck. She asked if we could check if she had enough clearance when she picked up the prefab.

Corteous and always ready to please a lady we said yeah, no problem. So we parked our Benz and took in some strategical observation points along the prefab. Maybe you don't know, but a mobile crane has so-called "side stabilisation arms" which prevent the crane from tipping over when they crane loads sideways. We didn't notice that she forgot to deploy them (hey what you expect, we're artillery we know cannons not mobile cranes) So the girl started lifting the prefab, when it was half ways in the air everything went pear-shaped. The crane start to tilt to one side and gained momentum. It was all too late then, the prefab crashed to the ground and the mobile crane came to rest against it.

My mate and I were pissing our pants from the laughter and wished the girl (which was crying by now) much luck in explaining this little mishap to her CO. After taking a picture we went up the mountain with the mail and a very good story to tell.

[el Gringo Loco 1]

Ok, another one to get this thread going again

Burning garbage, the stupid way

When we had our camp in the hills of Mt. Igman in Bosnia we had to dispose of our garbage. So we saved everything for a week and then torched it with some gasoline. There seem to be always some people (potential pyromaniacs) who have the idea that everything can be done quicker and more efficient. So we also had a guy in my unit who thought the same. One day my mate was appointed to burn the garbage. So he threw some gasoline over it and lighted it. Everything went well. He was poking with a little stick in the fire (you know how little children get when they are around a controlled fire) and was generally having a good time. Then a sergeant came along and thought that everything could go a lot quicker when you thought more efficient.

A second after I took the picture I was running for the fire extinghuiser to put out my mate's trousers. Luckily it ended with only some minor burns to the leg. But if you see where my mate had his face when the gulp of gasoline was applied to the fire you could imagine that it could end a hell lot worse. I rapported the sergeant to my CO for negliance and he was fined and reprimanded.

Note the gulp of gasoline coming from the jerrycan and the position were my mate has his face. Unbelievable how stupid people can get

[Hilandor 1]

hahaha class min lol.

Not much happened to me when i was a weekend warrior with Royal Artillery, but i mind one day we had to be at the TA base on a friday night for an exercise deployment early on saturday morning, we were told we were getting helicopter deployment which we were all excited as being a weekend soldier u rarely got to do such things. So heading up in the 4 tonner to the exercise area we got all excited, thinking "woohoo, never been in a helicopter.

As we approached the exercise area and pulled to a stop, the CO came to the back of the wagon and asked if we were all ready for our helicopter deployment and excitedly we shouted YES SIR.

On that note we were told to jump out the back of the 4 tonner with crossed arms as if wearing a parachute, which we thot "mm strange" so we did, only to be told as we landed on the ground in fake rolls etc that this was the helicopter deployment being weekend soldiers they coudlnt justify a real helicopter and had to pretend =[[[ so our 4 tonner was the chopper. Gutted i beleive was a word that came to mind after all the excitement we anticipated. =[[[

funny looking back on it and picturing 20 soldiers rolling on ground as if landed with parachute from a height of 6 feet out the back of the wagon

[el Gringo Loco 1]

Ok a little game: Spot the ten differences

My bunk back at the base, and my bunk in the fields. sorry no prizes to win

[Cymru 0]

um

[KingBeast 0]

Ah I dont have anything really to add, but I remember this thread fondly from back in the day, and I especially remember the crane story

lol Hilly I can imagine how gutted you must have been, jumpin out the back of a lorry rofl

[Charlie_McSheenie 1]

Yeah, i remember that thread some classic stories there. I liked no one's (as in the person) stories the best, always with an air of seriousness with them but still really funny

[DarkLight 0]

Aaaaaaaaah, it's good to see this post again, i especially remember the one with that bald guy on the pic and the fire. Great stories,lets try to keep this post alive!!!

I had great fun reading them 6 months ago...

Good job reposting some of them L24A !

[GrimCalavera 0]

Oki I heard this one from my fathers brother, who was an recon/ranger in Finnish army during the start of 1980.

So there was an big fieldtraining going on and my father's bro

had to dig a hole on the ground with few of his palls, camouflaging it with leafes and other's natural sources.

Ok at this time Finland sucked the Soviet Unions ass and let some of the red armies big bosses come over the field to observe. These commies were told to find my father's bro's and his inc.'s hide position. One commie just walked around the field and stopped to pee. Guess who was receiving this "golden-shower" on their shoulders...

Commie pissing at finnish ranger is one thing that could start the third world war.

[Guest Scooby]

I wonder how big tents are often used in other countries. In Finland we've basically got these two tents.

pictures not taken by me, just searched from internet.

At right you can see smaller tent and at left you can see bigger "half platoon tent".

Picture of smaller tent.

Most often idea is to fit about 15 men into that bigger tent and about 10 into smaller tent. Gets bit tight. Doesnt look as comfortable from inside as in one of which L24A posted picture about. Needless to say we used those smaller tents more often than bigger tents.

[el Gringo Loco 1]

Ahhhh, military tents I have a nice story about that

Title: Putting your tent up in hilly terrain: Lesson 1

My unit went on a regular base abroad for training with foreign units. So one time we had a training session in Germany and the plan was that my unit was flown in by Chinook in the operations theatre in the middle of night in a wood. So no problem we did this before, you get dropped with all your units equipment in some wood clearing and when the chopper has lifted off you haul everything inside the woods where you search for a nice place to put up your LUP (lying-up point).

So an hour before we should go I instructed my men to check if everything was complete and if the weapons were loaded. (with blanks ofcourse).So the chinook came to our base, we dragged all our equipmemt in it and off we went. After some 15 minutes flying time the load-master told us we were nearing the DZ and we should prepare to be dropped off.

So the drop off went perfect we got everything out within 15 seconds and we laid on top of our stuff till the chinook lifted well away from us. So now we should start to find a place to put up our LUP. As it was full-moon we had to get away from the clearing because we were in full sight. I grabbed my compass and gave a direction were we should enter the forrest. So after a while we thought we've found a nice place, but we couldn't check it out for 100% because it was too dark. I asked a unit member to use his PNVGs to confirm if the place was suitable for a camp. So he takes out his goggles only to discover that he hadn't changed the batteries. You can imagine I was pretty pissed at the guy because I instructed everyone to sort out their kit before we'd left.

So we gambled that the place was right. In pitch dark we were erecting our unit tent (the tent poles have some light emmiting spots on it which later will be covered by the sheet, this makes it possible to erect a tent in pitch dark). So we were just in time, it started raining pretty hard but the tent was ready. After half an hour of hard rain we've discovered where we had put up the tent. Right: On the lowest point of a hill in the forrest. Needless to say that at first light the position of the tent was changed.

This picture was taken after most of the water already left the tent. Maximum level of water must have been some 15 cm's. We had to take everything from the ground to prevent it becoming wet. To my right you see the SATCOM laptop elevated on a chair. The guy in the green maggot is me

[Assault (CAN) 1]

LOL, good story L24A. At least you had cots.

We use 5 man tents when we are on the move. There is enough room to stand up in, which is nice when trying to change. It sure beats using a ground sheet to make a "hoochie". If we will be at a site for a few days, we use modular tents, one section is about the size of your average room in your house.

Hey L24A, ever tried setting up a tent that relys on pegs when the ground is ROCK solid? It can be fun.

Tyler

[el Gringo Loco 1]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (Assault (CAN) @ Feb. 10 2002,09:05)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">LOL, good story L24A. At least you had cots.

We use 5 man tents when we are on the move. There is enough room to stand up in, which is nice when trying to change. It sure beats using a ground sheet to make a "hoochie". If we will be at a site for a few days, we use modular tents, one section is about the size of your average room in your house.

Hey L24A, ever tried setting up a tent that relys on pegs when the ground is ROCK solid? It can be fun.

Tyler<span id='postcolor'>

Yup, want to see a picture what can happen then with a little wind. Man I've seen it all

On the picture I'm planning to give the tent its last mercy blow. The briefcase could be saved from the collapsing tent and belongs to my CO.

[ralphwiggum 6]

this is from Readers Digest, many yrs ago...

After Gulf War, returning US soldiers were eager to grab there bags from cargo and just goto their barracks after long flight. As soon as bags were unloaded, someone yelled,

'Anybody seen a green dufflebag?'

if u don't get the joke, here's explanantion. all US duffle bags are green.

[el Gringo Loco 1]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (RalphWiggum @ Feb. 10 2002,10:43)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">this is from Readers Digest, many yrs ago...

After Gulf War, returning US soldiers were eager to grab there bags from cargo and just goto their barracks after long flight. As soon as bags were unloaded, someone yelled,

'Anybody seen a green dufflebag?'

if u don't get the joke, here's explanantion. all US duffle bags are green.<span id='postcolor'>

When we came back from Bosnia it was impossible to lose your duffle bag as everyone had to stand next to it when the military police came to inspect the contents. In years before dutch soldiers took "souvenirs" with them like AK-47s, makarovs, handgrenade etc.

[el Gringo Loco 1]

A new day, a new story

Title: How we entered bosnia, or dutch cleverness

When my unit was chosen to be part of the rapid reaction force which went to Mt. Igman as part of operation Deliberate Force no one has ever thought it was so difficult to get there in the first place.

First we went to Split in Croatia where in the harbour a freighter would contain our equipment. So after we collected our equipment and passed it through customs we only needed the permission of the Croatian authorities so that we could cross the border with bosnia. As our vehicles were all green (we were part of Nato instead of the UN) we needed a seperate permission to cross the border with our green gear.

So on the second day in Split our COs went to the croation authorities to ask for a written permission to cross the border with bosnia. The croatian authority needed more time to think and told us they wouldn't give us a permission right now. So 2 weeks passed in Split and we were getting fat on the beach feeding on hamburgers and checking out the local female population. In the meanwhile our COs were still trying every day to get permission.

So after two weeks the authorities in Croatia told us they were NEVER going to allow any driving green vehicles over the border. Croatia was actually interested in prolonging the war as it wasn't to bad for their economy, UN was putting huge sums of money on the croatian bank account which would obviously stop when the war has ended.

But my CO was a smart one. He asked the representative of the croation authorities if he could put the statement "not allowing any driving green vehicles to pass the border" on a piece of paper and stamp it officially and put his signature under it. At first the representative was a little reluctant but as he couldn't see how that document could help us he did it anyway. My CO took the document with a great smile on his face and said thank you.

Later that day the CO told us of his "success". We failed to see the success as our equipment was green and the document clearly stated "no driving green vehicles are allowed to cross the border". But the CO told us to be ready tomorrow in the harbour with all your kit because we were going. Then  CO excused himself and said he had to see the british logistics unit with some bottles of whiskey under his arm. That night we packed all our gear although we believed that next afternoon we will be unpacking everything again in our hotelroom as we clearly wouldn't cross the border.

So next day we went to the harbour and this is what we saw.:

Our captain bribed the english in letting us borrow some of their WHITE low-loaders with drivers. In the harbour they parked all our GREEN rolling equipment on WHITE low-loaders.

And this is how we went to the border. At first the border guard wouldn't let us pass, because he also got instructions to stop every green vehicle and send it back to where it came from.

But then my CO takes the document from his briefcase and argues that it states "DRIVING green vehicles". So he says: As the green vehicles aren't driving but standing rigid on the WHITE driving low-loaders we are in compliance with your authorities orders. The border guard now became confused and called his superior. My CO told the superior that when he can't pass the border he will blow the whole thing to diplomatic  level. The superior clearly afraid of the magnitude of that happening quickly decided we were to pass.

So here you see our Mercedes all-terrain vehicles pass into bosnia on the back of white low-loaders.

A couple of kilometers after the border we drove our equipment off the low-loaders, thanked the english drivers who drove us there and continued under our own steam to mount Igman under the protection of the french foreign legion.

Here a picture of the French Foreign Legion group appointed to protect us:

[daniel barnett 0]

1 day my squad and i were sent 2 do a training mission and 2 simulate a "hot LZ" all was fine and we were setting up our camp when gale force winds took our tent just b4 our pick-up.

we then listened in horror as on the radio all we cud here wus "maday, mayday, what the f**k?mayday....HQ asked for their pos. and they said that it wus alright...a massive tent flew into their flight path and the only way that they managed 2 get it off the heli was 2 fly practically vertical to try and shake it off.

naturally our CO wus not amused.

[Placebo 29]

L24A excellent stories, keep them coming

I remember the original thread but by the time I got to it there were like 20 pages so I never read it all

[Wobble 1]

not a military story.. but when i first got my AR I shot a can of spraypaint I though was empty from about 20 feet away and i got a nice blast of smurf blue all over me and the gun.. took me several hours to clean all of it off the gun. it was wierd it literally exploded.. it was like a frag or something.. but it stayed in one piece.. just kinda turned inside out..

oh and one time I shot a coleman lantern cannister from about 100m away and the boom could probably be heard for many miles.. those things are great.. but expensive.. I decided to shoot this one because it was leaky and old.. and I thought it was empty (why do I keep thinking things are empty)..

oh.. and probably the best story:.. and the dumbest..

me and my gf went out to a small creek to do a little shooting, sh had just got her .38 and wanted to be destructive.. so I founf this odd small can that had been rolling around in the bed of my truck for many weeks.. I couldent remember what it was and all the paint was practically rubbed off from sliding around back there.. it was *almost* empty..

anywho we started plinking at it from about 30 feet away about the 5th shot I hit it and it poofed into a nice red cloud.. and blew all over me... at that moment I realized what it was.. when my gf was a car-hop at sonic she carried it for safty. it was pepper spray..

that really sucked, I couldent even drive home.. though my GF had a hoot with the 4wd (she had little pissy car at time).. I dont know how she managed to avoid it.. she got a little on her arm and that was it.. oh well.. there are lots of Wobble being a dumbass stories.. but they are not military related so I will spare ya.

[Placebo 29]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (Wobble @ Feb. 10 2002,18:28)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">(why do I keep thinking things are empty)..<span id='postcolor'>

Because unlike the "things" you find your head is indeed empty?

[Wobble 1]

BITCH!

[Charlie_McSheenie 1]

''it was pepper spray.. that really sucked, I couldent even drive home.. though my GF had a hoot with the 4wd (she had little pissy car at time).. I dont know how she managed to avoid it.. she got a little on her arm and that was it''

lol, dumbass

[Noone 4]

OK, lets rebuild our old good thread. I asked administrators of this forum if they can find any remainings of our old thread several times, but got no response from them. So let's just write it from scratch...

Today I’ll write two stories I have already told on this forum in the old thread. One about myself, and the other is about my friend. I have already told them before, but as the old thread is gone –lets write it all again.

So first one is about my friend :

Gooood morning Lebanon !!!

It was a regular morning. Just like all others. A small Israeli outpost in South Lebanon. 8 AM Hezbollah guerillas start firing mortars on the outpost. Nothing extraordinary, everyone is used to it, so some found shelter under the tank and some, believing in ultimate fate and that nothing bad can happen to them this day just carry on with their tasks, not paying any attention to mortar shell exploding in some distance. All of a sudden a tent opens and sergeant Anton steps out. He was in military boots and underpants with a MAG in his hands. His face carried a mark of yesterday’s overdose of alcohol. He feelt like shit, he looked like shit. Cursing in Russian he ran across the base and out into the woods. Everyone was a bit confused by his behavior. For some 15 minutes they heard MG fire from the forest. And then – silence. No MG, no mortars. After 10 minutes they saw Anton returning back, dragging his MAG... “What happened ?†they asked. “Didn’t find shit†was the answer.

The second one is about myself

Yes sir, I can boogie, and you can put me in a tank

I was renting an apartment with a friend of mine – an ex tank driver. So like everyone in Israel he had to do his MILUIM duty. Everyone in Israel has to go for 1 month a year to the active army duty after serving 3 years until he reaches the age of 45. So his officer called him and said he has to come to the base for a briefing, as his time to serve this year has come. As he was in his office and really could not leave work he called me and asked to go there instead of him. “Just go there, tell them you are me. Tell them my name and ID and they’ll buy it. Then you’ll have to listen to some boring briefing stuff and go home.†So I decided to help out my friend and went there. Getting in was no problem – the soldier on the gate just asked me my name, and I told my friends name. As I was on the list, he didn’t bother asking for an ID. An officer inside asked my name and again I told my friends name. He searched his list and asked me : “Your ID is … blah-blah-blah ?â€. “Yeap, that’s it†I said. “We were waiting for you†Then after 30 minutes of listening to some very boring, but potentially useful (for some spies) military secrets, I decided that it’s about time to go home, when an officer said “We were going to send you to the front right away, but decided to give you some time to get your stuff, so tomorrow I expect you here at 9 AMâ€. And that’s when I realized that they could take me to a front line, put me in a tank, without even making sure I am who they think. Imagine : me in a tank ! I did my army service in infantry and the closest I saw a tank was 10 meters… “Geee… I wonder what this red button does…â€

[el Gringo Loco 1]

OK, a last one before I go to sleep

Title: You don't have to be stupid to join the foreign legion, but it certainly helps

Like I already mentioned in one of my other stories above our unit was protected by the french forein legion 2nd REI in Bosnia. My unit was a FOO unit and we also took a firefinder TPQ-36 radar with us to mt. Igman. A firefinder radar is a phased-array radar which can detect positions from where artillery shells were fired up to an accuracy of 3 meters. This system was one of the winners on Mt. Igman as it accounted for 75% of the targets during operation Deliberate Force. The Legionairs were very interested in the system and wanted to take pictures of it for their scrapbooks. As stupid as some of them were they stood in front of the antennae at close range and took pictures of it. If you do know something about phased array radars and the microwave frequencies they operate on you probably could guess that this was no good idea.

We told the legionairs a hunderd times to stop doing that as it is inherently unhealthy for them. But they just argued, that they felt nothing when they were standing in front of the antennae so probably they thought we exaggerated the whole thing a little. In other words we were not getting really through to them.

Then my group commander had a brilliant idea. He argued that those legionairs acted like little children, how do little children learn about things in real life? Right: they learn it from pictures.

So in half an hour the best artist in our group made a custom warning sign for the legionairs and after that no one ever dared to come in closer than 30 feet of the radar installation.

I wonder why that was:

[Black Op 0]

lol thats pretty funny, weren't there some posts in the old thread about sneaking beer onto patrol?