Military Humor

[sputnik monroe 102]

I can't look at the pie gif. For some reason animated gifs do not animate on my computer?

[Necromancer- 0]

Don't forget to secure the barrel on the .50 ..

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=b4a_1185655155

Cows don't like to be riden by soldiers..

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=9e6_1185753140

[Sc@tterbrain 0]

Text book room clearing:

[chipper 0]

I've never laughed at someone dying before until I saw this.

Link Removed. -- Franze

[franze 196]

Chipper, you should have known that such a video is in violation of rule §19 - this is box #5 for you and from here on out you are banned indefinitely until otherwise decided by a moderator.

[Gollum1 0]

Seeing as this thread used to be called military stupidity...

Setting: Last November, Finnish Defence Forces conscript training. Cold, wet. My section had deployed our 81 mm mortars and was assembling mortar grenades such as these

Many people don't realize that you don't fire a mortar by setting it up and cracking open some prepackaged ammo crate or tin. Due to safety and modularity, FDF 81 mm mortar rounds come in four distinct parts which all need several different operations and safety checks done on them before they can be assembled into a functioning grenade.

Just one of the safety checks done on the fuse/detonator (the "head " of the grenade roughly the size and power of a small hand grenade) is to remove the safety cap and check that the nose plate hasn't been pushed in due to damage or manufacturing defect. This would mean that the fuse is ARMED and will go off at only the slightest pressure on it, as it is supposed to go off when it lands on the ground nose-first after being fired. A defective detonator is also considered very unpredictable. Scary for your hands and face, not to mention your whole platoon if you find a defect around live grenades. If it detonates while attached to a grenade, naturally the whole grenade goes off as intended. If functioning correctly, the detonator will arm only after it is already launched tens of meters into the air (similiar to the M203 40 mm grenade), to protect the mortar crew in case it hits a tree branch or other close obstacle, or is subject to heavy forces during the initial launch.

Meet NCO student "X". This guy is hammering home the firing charges (look like big aluminium shotgun rounds and work much in the same way) into the butts of the grenades by hitting them on the side of an ammo crate. This means striking the ammo crate directly with the primer of the firing charge. Everyone screams at him to stop and he does. One of those going off also means bad news for your hands/face/section. Student X gets an earful about getting everyone killed from his fellow platoon mates, but acts like it's no big deal. This guy isn't known for knowing much or caring for safety regulations.

Another NCO student suddenly finds a detonator with the head pushed in! Everyone almost freaks out and our CO is called, he calmly picks up the detonator, places it far out in the woods and calls EOD troops to come blow it up.

Later, we fire all the grenades in a fire mission. Each assembled grenade is checked and double-checked for defects, with one last check before firing. The loader is the one in charge of the rounds. One of the mortars has student X as loader.

Months later, we discuss the armed detonator that had to be blown up, and the (always) careless attitude of student X. Student X pipes up:

"I don't know what the big deal is! We fired all those other grenades that had the head pushed in just fine!"

If what he says is true (at least he thinks it is) several Finnish Defence Forces conscripts are lucky not to be 6 feet under this day. I wouldn't put anything past this guy.

[red oct 2]

never been in the military, but

Mortors in general just sound like bad news in general. my best friend while in a military hospital was in a room w/ a guy who lost his hand from one of those things.

better off just using good old fashion artillery imho

[wex-q 0]

I belive that most accidents happen when there are failiure in communication amongst the crew (which is rarely) or someone doesn't have common sense.

Accidents with mortars, arty, vehicles, weapons etc etc does not happen so often. Although, when it do, the consequences can be fatal

[TrevorOfCrete 0]

particulrly genuine accidents like flipping tanks  

[baddo 0]

"I don't know what the big deal is! We fired all those other grenades that had the head pushed in just fine!"

Maybe he was just joking. It's possible.

[4 IN 1 0]

if he happens to be my NCO in war time i would stay away from him as much as possible, having a drunk SGT as your squad leader is bad enought, having a dumb one makes things worse

[Gisen 0]

On the subject of mortars: I was in a mortar platoon in the British army. We just had to condition the ammunition- take it out of the ammo boxes, remove the packaging and take off some charges according to the predicted charge for the location, no assembling other than that. The main safety feature was a firing pin attached to the fuse which had to be pulled immediately before putting the mortar bomb in the barrel.

However, once the pin is pulled, the round is armed. Removing an armed round from the barrel (if it doesnt fire, for example) makes most people pretty nervous their first time- our bombs have a lethal radius of ~40m and shrapnel to ~90m)

We had a batch of bad ammunition one time and about a third of the ammunition didn't go off, on the first live shoot for our new trainees who had to take the rounds out.

The only real dangers with mortars are:

1)firing in the wrong direction - due to mistake or scale slippage on the sight - meaning that you could be firing at friendlies

2) Feeding another round into the barrel before the first round has fired. This can cause the round to explode in the barrel with pretty messy results.

[Balschoiw 0]

Quote[/b] ]The only real dangers with mortars are:

1)firing in the wrong direction - due to mistake or scale slippage on the sight - meaning that you could be firing at friendlies

2) Feeding another round into the barrel before the first round has fired. This can cause the round to explode in the barrel with pretty messy results.

+1

3) firing your mortar from loose ground until the tube pushes itself to a near 90° angle and fries the mortar and the operating crew.

(We´ve wondered quite a while what happened to the juveniles operating a mortar in Moga, firing at the airfield. Basically there was just a little crate in the sand, fragments from the grenade everywhere around and 4 juveniles lying around who looked seriously butchered.

Another one:

Has Arma´s AI found a way into real life ?

[ralphwiggum 6]

stolen from an internet forum

Quote[/b] ]This is funny. For those who have “savored†an MRE, they will laugh out loud…those who have not…run out and try some just for the cheap evening thrill it will bring…hours of entertainment. And people wonder why I am in the habit of going on deployment with Tums.

GOD LOVES THE MARINE CORPS

MRE dinner date, the following is a true story....told from the point of view of a young Marine

I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner. After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.

I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I made:

I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la- King, and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrat ed rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sautéed in shaved garlic and olive oil.

In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.

When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly things from one of my spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly things on it, it looks fancy right?)

For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voila--Ranger Pudding.

For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"--it sells for $4.35 per fifth at the Class Six) and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand from Egypt ).

I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that shit is EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600 on sale at the Lejeune PX ), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.

She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE spaghetti-with- meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!! !"

We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.

At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what?

Okay... yeah... its Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup

Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my rest room. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.

Let the games begin.

She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes smell-good) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.

After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the bathroom for the second time, I could hear her say "What the hell is WRONG with me???" as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda serious, and I heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.

Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.

I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.

She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed; I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.

Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.

After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Marine Corps Field Rations" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?"

After I rogered, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word.

She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't have a bouwl movement for 5 days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand.

It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually and said that that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch.

I know ... I'm an Asshole, but it was still a funny night.

[wex-q 0]

LMFAO!

That was so funny (Now I have a great tip for dinner! )

[sputnik monroe 102]

Sore loser in an arm wrestling match

VDV Bloopers

[ran 0]

VDV Bloopers

classic

Slava diesanty tchiest i rhala !!!

[ran 0]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75tLwHAt2PY

Not exatcly humour but :

Enlist in the French army now, you'll get to do all kinds of crazy stuff involving helicopters, sand, armored vehicles and assault rifles and also look tough with a skymask on, you'll get all the girls and be able to buy an actual motorbike and pull strikes at the bowling hall all the while listenning cool pop music.

That's the latest recruitment add. Caught on with the fashion of fast forward evolution of a character generally used in life insurance commercials

the truth :

-your girlfriend will break up with you while you're undergoing basic

-you're likely not to stay more than three years (not long enough to get help to go back to the civilian domain and not long enough to end up being a skymask-rambo jumping out of helicopters)

-you won't be able to buy that motorbike because half of your pay check goes into booze and you don't even have your motorbike licence yet

-evenings out at the bowling will be few and far between, most of the time, you'll end up in night bars or discos drinking overpriced alcopops while trying to make out with highschool students or be too exhausted to even bother going out

here's the making off :

(no pop music

Thank god I have yet to see young recruits wearing slims as part of their civilian attire.

that one is more reasonable :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mLS6JiiV6k

2004 commercial :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tilWNF3jOXU

that one is from an older campaign (stressful music with the dingling sound):

And for something completely different :

from the recruitment website itself, the high-speed life of a .... cook (there's a whole serie on that site showing interviews of people from less popular trades)

I think it's a lot more useful than those noisy and costly high-speed show off sessions that only bring wannabe commandos or snipers to recruiting offices.

[red oct 2]

american tries british drill

british army truck upsets

crazy pavelow pilot trying to refuel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHXGEpmfQuc

navy dance

[BlackScorpion 0]

PLA plus CS... found this kinda interesting.

[red oct 2]

another board GI

[BlackScorpion 0]

NASA being a government organisation and many of their pilots being (ex-)USAF...

[sputnik monroe 102]

That's the worst photoshop I've ever seen.

[BlackScorpion 0]

Apart from the fact that from every shot that the text that size is distinguishable... it's there.

[Average Joe 0]