Military Humor

[FSPilot 0]

Actually I think that's an "actual radio communication" between a US ship and a US lighthouse. Or was it an Iraqi ship and an Iraqi lighthouse? I guess whoevers getting grilled today.

[Tex -USMC- 0]

Just goes to show that when your head gets too big, something will always happen to bring you back out of the clouds.  Or as the Bible says, "Pride comes before a fall".

I wish I could have seen that commander's face when he heard that!  I couldn't have said it better than that Canadian if I tried.

Yes.  Except it isn't true. Here's what Snopes has to say:

Quote[/b] ]The story of the self-important aircraft carrier captain  getting his well-earned comeuppance at the hands of a plain-speaking lighthouse has been making the rounds on the Internet since early 1996. Most writeups purport to be transcripts of a 1995 conversation between a ship and a lighthouse as documented by Chief of Naval Operations.

It ain't true. Not only does the Navy disclaim it, the anecdote shows up in a 1992 collection of jokes and tall tales. Worse, it appears in Stephen Covey's 1989 The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, and he got it from a 1987 issue of Proceedings, a publication of the U.S. Naval Institute.

It's likely far older than that, because another reader mentioned he saw it passed around as a photocopied joke in the late 1960s while serving aboard either the USS Dixie or USS Truxtun. That certainly agrees with the opinion of Navy sources (as quoted in the news article later on this page); they place the story as being thirty or forty years old.

Slightly different versions name different ships as the one which unwillingly gained a lesson in the unimportance of self importance. Having debunked this tale a few times themselves, the Navy has a web page about this legend, one that answers what three of the commonly cited ships were doing at the time this supposedly occurred.

http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthse.htm

[jaenak 0]

@ Dec. 21 2003,09:09)]Yes.  Except it isn't true.

I honestly don't care whether its true or not, its still funny as hell.  And besides, for a thread supposed to be humourous, you guys take things awfully serious.  If something's funny, then its funny.  Whether its true or not is of secondary importance, unless its insulting.

By the way, I found a bunch of Murphy's Laws of war. I thought you guys would be interested.

[joltan 0]

The idea of this thread is to present examples of real-life military stupidity (enough of that can be found in this thread), not to exchange military jokes or fictional stories.

[jaenak 0]

The idea of this thread is to present examples of real-life military stupidity (enough of that can be found in this thread), not to exchange military jokes or fictional stories.

I know that.  I just read through the entire thread.  But, no where does it actually say REAL LIFE examples of military stupidity.  It just says military stupidity.  And a fictional joke about military stupidity is indeed an example of military stupidity.  Thus fitting in with the posted requirements of this thread perfectly.

Speaking of real life, I read an auto biography in high school about an army ranger in the Vietnam War.  One day he collected a huge amount of pepper and one frag grenade to harrass his CO with.  When his CO was away from his bunk, he took the grenade, removed the fuze/detonator inside the grenade and placed it under his pillow without the pin with the lever squeezed down.  So that way when the pillow was lifted, the lever on the grenade would spring out like normal and look as if it was about to blast his CO into kingdom come.  But because the fuze was removed, it had no way of going off.  After that, he took the umpteen pounds of pepper he stole from the kitchen and deposited it around his CO's bunk.  Later that night when his CO was going to go to sleep, he hopped in bed, picked up his pillow and saw a grenade minus the firing pin pop its handle out.  His eyes got as big as dinner plates as he jumped out of his bunk and litterally dove out the front door of the officers' quarters.  After he layed there on the ground for a little bit he figured out that the grenade wasn't going to go off.  Pissed as hell he picked himself up off the ground and called up the MP and they came over with a couple dogs to sniff out the area in hopes of finding the person that did it.  They never did catch him though because everytime the Military Police pushed the dogs forward to sniff out the room, the dogs backed up sneezing like crazy.  They ended up giving up on the dogs when they found the pepper on the floor.  All that resulted in one very pissed off officer, and one very histerical soldier.

[Tex -USMC- 0]

The idea of this thread is to present examples of real-life military stupidity (enough of that can be found in this thread), not to exchange military jokes or fictional stories.

I know that.  I just read through the entire thread.  But, no where does it actually say REAL LIFE examples of military stupidity.  It just says military stupidity.  And a fictional joke about military stupidity is indeed an example of military stupidity.  Thus fitting in with the posted requirements of this thread perfectly.

It isn't a matter of the joke itself- I think it's pretty funny as well- it's a matter of this part of the joke:

Quote[/b] ]This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.

As a wise man once said, "You know, this is how rumors get started."

[jaenak 0]

Yeah, I just copied and pasted.  I didn't actually type any of that.  I remembered it cause I stumbled onto it a while ago.  I forgot it said it was true. Sorry about that.  Should have thought to edit it.

[bmgarcangel 0]

1. Face toward the enemy and not to yourself when you set a claymore up (US army)

2. If you are being fired upon, please find cover behind anything you can. Even your own captian if you have to (USMC)

3. Do not hold on to the catapalt while playing football on a carrier or you will be the one caught with the ball. (USNC)

[swtx 42]

Here's a pic I picked up somewhere

OOPS !!

Bet this guy is no longer driving a tank for a living

[m21man 0]

If he survived .

[Cephalid 0]

Here's a pic I picked up somewhere

OOPS !!

Bet this guy is no longer driving a tank for a living

Ouch

Well shit happens.  

[Ironsight 1]

Military Stupidity is when a friendly patriot shoots down a tornado aircraft, like happened in Iraq 2 days after the war started

[hellfish6 7]

The Mirror

Quote[/b] ]F*** THE NAZIS, SAYS CHURCHILL'S PARROT

Jan 19 2004

EXCLUSIVE

By Bill Borrows

SHE WAS at Winston Churchill's side during Britain's darkest hour. And now Charlie the parrot is 104 years old...and still cursing the Nazis.

Her favourite sayings were "F*** Hitler" and "F*** the Nazis". And even today, 39 years after the great man's death, she can still be coaxed into repeating them with that unmistakable Churchillian inflection.

Many an admiral or peer of the realm was shocked by the tirade from the bird's cage during crisis meetings with the PM.

But it always brought a smile to the war leader's face.

Churchill bought Charlie - giving him a boy's name despite the fact she was female - in 1937.

She took pride of place in a bizarre menagerie of pets including lambs, pigs, cattle, swans and, at one point, a leopard.

He immediately began to teach her to swear - particularly in company - and she is keeping up the tradition today.

The blue and gold macaw is believed to be Britain's oldest bird.

The title was previously thought to belong to 80-year-old Cokky the cockatoo.

But it can be proved Charlie is at least 104 and was born in the 19th century.

Peter Oram bought her for his pet shop after Churchill died in 1965. But he was forced to move her into his home after she kept swearing at children.

For the last 12 years, she has lived at Mr Oram's garden centre in Reigate, Surrey.

Centre worker Sylvia Martin said: "If truth be told, Charlie is looking a little scruffy but she is very popular with the public. We are all very attached to her."

James Humes, an expert on the late PM, said: "Churchill may no longer be with us but that spirit and those words of defiance and resolve continue."

Charlie's story is in this month's Jack Magazine, on sale Thursday

[hellfish6 7]

Specialist Schwartz's list

Quote[/b] ]Once upon a time, there was a SPC Schwarz stationed with the Army in the Balkans. SPC Schwarz was either very clever or very bored; but probably both, since he managed to attempt or be warned about 213 things he wasn't allowed to do. He collected those things into a hillarious list and posted them to the web. The site hadn't been updated in a couple of years and has since gone away; but the list is classic, so I saved it.

The first ten on the list:

Quote[/b] ]Not allowed to watch Southpark when I'm supposed to be working.

My proper military title is 'Specialist Schwarz' not 'Princess Anastasia'.

Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.

Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.

Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.

Not allowed to play 'Pulp Fiction' with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.

Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the prophesy' to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.

Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.

Not allowed to title any product 'Get Over it'.

Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on Government time.

[aj_addons 0]

that has got to be some of the funniest things ive ever read nice one on finding that just one question what was the famous ft brag sniper incident he mentioned about?

[hellfish6 7]

IIRC, some private at Fort Bragg went nuts and sharted shooting people with his privately-owned weapon while the 82nd Airborne Division was doing their morning physical training. Some SF guys running around base heard the shots and beat the shit out of the guy before they called the MPs.

[aj_addons 0]

eeh sounds like full metal jacket a bit dosent it

[Gollum1 0]

Hellfish, best link EVER.

[JAP 2]

Man,

It s cracking me up

Quote[/b] ]The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."

Gonna read further looool

[ralphwiggum 6]

here are ones i found humorous.

Quote[/b] ]

A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.

I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD’s.

I am not to refer to a formation as 'the boxy rectangle thingie'.

I am not 'A lesbian trapped in a man's body'.

Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS.

Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.

[hellfish6 7]

I had a friend in the Army who totally reminds me of this guy, except my friend's name was Schiltz and he wasn't a paratrooper (but we was in Bosnia). I've often wondered if they were actually the same people, but this list is missing my friend's favorite question to Rangers -

"Does your Ranger tab keep you warm at night? My sleeping bag does, so by my logic my sleeping bag is worth more than your Ranger tab."

[Badgerboy 0]

Quote[/b] ]Shouting ‘Let’s do the village! Let’s do the whole fucking village!’ while out on a mission is bad.

Quote[/b] ]Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy).

Ho ho!

Quote[/b] ]Must not make T-shirts up depciting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.

!!!

[aj_addons 0]

The bit a about singing megadeaths high speed dirt is funny reminds me of a friends brother who supposedly went into basra singing Metallicas disposable heros, it was either that or one i cant remember

[m21man 0]

So much good stuff ...

Quote[/b] ]22. Must never call a SAS a 'Wanker'.

27. Don't tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).

29. The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'.

30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.

38. Our supply Sgt is 'Sgt Watkins' not 'Sugar Daddy'.

48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.

49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for 'magic beans'.

54. 'Napalm sticks to kids' is *not* a motivational phrase.

83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...."

[Albert Schweitzer 10]

Sorry, I got an anouncement to make (better than opening a new thread dont you think)

Please message me links to funny movies. I need to collect a few for an event. may be military related but mainly just be funny!