Military Humor

[Necromancer- 0]

If you are stupid enough to get caught then you deserve this!

click me Sir!

So what was this about?

(Could not understand zeh French language vewwy wéll)

[Albert Schweitzer 10]

If you are stupid enough to get caught then you deserve this!

click me Sir!

So what was this about?

(Could not understand zeh French language vewwy wéll)

the soldiers got caught drunk and were given an extra treatment for the afternoon. The girl sais she cant run because everything is spinning.

[somebloke 0]

I dn't know why, but to me it seems very hard to be agressive using the french language. It just doesn't sound as hard as say...german or russian.

[Ironsight 1]

I dn't know why, but to me it seems very hard to be agressive using the french language. It just doesn't sound as hard as say...german or russian.

It's possible to be quite agressive using french language. They all deserved it though.

[ran 0]

I dn't know why, but to me it seems very hard to be agressive using the french language. It just doesn't sound as hard as say...german or russian.

That's only a subjective perception While not sounding as aggressive, you can really make somebody feeli like a piece of shit if you stress the right words and syllabs

That instructor giving the slaps had a few ellocution problems

Paratrooper course, once done with the final (I think) combat march, the instructors felt like rewarding the guys with a little bit of alcohol. Stupidly, the instructors left the remaining alcohol within the soldiers reach, some found it and thus prolonged the party a bit ending up dead drunk. The section is given the order to empty their canteens to see who has wine in them, one of the drunk guys is sent to "the gnouf" (prison) for a few hours to sober up a bit. Instead of laying down the packs and the gear and just chill out for a bit, the trainees section gets ordered to take their gear and proceed to another combat march as a punishment. A girl apparently can't hack it (I've been told that she was in the middle of her PMS and didn't have the opportunity to take care of that particular part of her body as a woman normally would, thus causing the discomfort). She's brought back to the camp by car and sent to the unit's medical antenna.

The exchange between the instructor and the drunken guy is quite funny. "Are you drunk ?" "No, chef" -slap- and bis repetita, until the drunkard finally breaks in and admits being drunk.

Lack of judgement from the instructors, lack of maturity from the guys, lack of the usual three part playset usually found on soldiers for the lady.

There goes the joke around here : "would you really trust something that bleeds for 5 days without dying ?".

[Messiah 2]

Quote[/b] ]There goes the joke around here : "would you really trust something that bleeds for 5 days without dying ?".

the teacher from south park had a similiar saying

[Necromancer- 0]

Not so top gun..

http://www.dumpalink.com/videos/Not_So_Top_Gun-f3l6.html

[ran 0]

Quote[/b] ]There goes the joke around here : "would you really trust something that bleeds for 5 days without dying ?".

the teacher from south park had a similiar saying

Always heard my father saying that on the topic of females in combat units

[MAA3057 0]

Is it Finnish?

[Messiah 2]

yes

[somebloke 0]

Does it need to be put down?

[MehMan 0]

yes

[Gremling 0]

The first 20 or so pages had funny and original stories related of things that you did or observed, but the last pages that I've read are just old links and images, completely unrelated to yourself. It makes me sad.

Help a sad forumite, post something original.

[xawery 0]

What are you talking about? The last four posts before yours were just classic.

"Is it Finnish?"

"yes"

"Does it need to be put down?"

"yes"

By four different people I laughed out loud (aka lol'd).

[BlackScorpion 0]

Quote[/b] ]"S" Squadron - Halifax 1V's at Marston Moor, Yorkshire. Never heard of them? Read on....

THE TOP SECRET TRUTH OF THE HALIFAX 1V BOMBER

Based upon the writing and memoirs of Mr. Harry Thomas Esq. (RAF Retd.)

~ Edited by Chief Technician David Curry RAF ~

During October 1995, I researched the loss of a 102 Squadron Halifax 111 heavy bomber, based at Pocklington. My investigations revealed that the particular aircraft and its crew were shot down by flax while attacking Koblenz, the seven man crew were lost. While obtaining information from the Public Archives Office relating to this bomber, I came across a previous top secret classified document detailing the formation of a specialist and highly unusual Halifax bomber squadron in Yorkshire. The document revealed that from mid 1943 a special high altitude day bomber force of 20 Halifax 1V's were operating from Marston Moor airfield. The unit was not assigned a squadron number, but was merely identifies as S (Special) Squadron, and was administratively controlled by 4 Group HQ of RAF Bomber Command. The document said that the Halifax 1V had been designed to fly at high speed, extreme altitudes, and was fitted with very special engines. Similarly, they contained the latest in blind bombing aids, namely H2X, and were fitted with the high altitude tachometer bombsight.

Upon checking I found that the only entry I could find describing the Halifax 1V was, and I quote, "Halifax 1V - Experimental aircraft built for the purpose of testing new engine mountings". This seemed rather odd as I had read archives saying that they were conducting operations to Germany from 1943 to the end of the war. I next approached the Air Research Branch in London and gained access to previously classified government papers relating to a meeting, held in 1942, of a committee

set up to discuss the design of a new type of bomber. Shortly afterwards I was introduced, through the 4566 Sqn. association, to a Mr. Harry Thomas, who, as a young man, had served with 466 Sqn., 35 Sqn., and then S Sqdn. The story he told me regarding the introduction to service of the Halifax 1V must surely be one of the strangest to be uncovered from World War Two.

Prior to joining the RAF in 1940, Harry Thomas was a trainee Fireman/Stoker working on the foot plate of the LNER. At the outbreak of the war he joined up hoping to become a pilot, but after selection ended up as a flight engineer destined for Bomber Command. After completion of his training in Canada, Harry Thomas commenced his flying career on Hampdens and then on Wellington bombers. His Squadron then re-equipped with the new four-engined "heavy" Halifax 1, and the entire Squadron underwent HCU (heavy conversion unit). He did not realize at the time but his pre-war and wartime training would introduce him to one of the best kept secrets of the war. The advent of the four-engined heavy bombers meant that more and more 100 octane fuel was needed, and this while our convoys were still suffering terrible losses carrying fuel from the USA. Invetiably, something had to give. Just as petroleum and oil would prove to be the Achilles heel of Germany towards the end of the war, it was also causing concern within Bomber Command.. A solution was sought at the highest level of government and many scientist and learned bodies were approached. Eventually, a Junior Minister of Fuel and Production, named Stephenson, suggested we utilize our most abundnt fuel supply, namely, coal. The Germans were producing thousands of tons of aviation spirit every month from coal, but it ws a very inefficient method and only viable because of the vast European stocks on hand. Unfortunately, the German fuel was low octane, and while the enemy's engines were designed to run on low grade petrol, our engines were not and would suffer irrepairable damage. Similarly, the conversion of so many of our refineries to the method would cause too much disruption to our already hard pressed fuel output.

Experts from the Air Ministry and Industry joined forces and came up with the surprising solution by re-designing the already proven and tested Sentinal Super-heated steam engine. After much experimenting it was found that two Sentinal engines could, via the use of drive shafts and adapted gear boxes drive four propellers. One engine would be located within the inner ort and starboard nacelle of the heavy bomber and, drive shafts running through the central wing spar, would drive the two outer gear boxes and propellers. The vertical boiler driving the two engines was located behind the main spar inside the fuselage and, although heavy, was surprisingly compact and able to be fed coal from the top by a single stoker. The water required to produce the steam could be stored in the redundant petrol tanks to the capacity of 2000 gallons, and coal could be positioned within the fuselage and wing roots. A novel feature of the aircraft was that pipes of super heated steam were routed through the leading wing edges to prevent icing. The auxiliary equipment, turrets, bomb doors, undercarriage, etc. all previously powered by hydraulics, would now operate under steam pressure. Electrical circuits were fed from a generator located along side the port engine. While the Avro Lancaster was ultimately to become the most famous of the heavies, the Halifax was by far the stronger aeroplane and more flexible. It became the obvious test bed for the hybrid bomber. So was born the Halifax 1V with its revolutionary engines, strengthened fuselage, and increased wing span to assist in its high altitude role. Initially only two Halifax 1V's were built to specification but, after testing, the Air Ministry realized they had a heavy bomber capable of hitting German targets almost with impunity. The climb rate was relatively slow due to the weight, but it could cruise comfortably at 40,000 feet and had an absolute ceiling of 42,000 feet, loaded. Its speed was even more remarkable at 450 mph cruising and just over 500 mph flat out. 20 aircraft were ordered from Handley Page. Recruitment/training of crews began by late 1942. Flight Engineer Sgt. Thomas was posted to Marston Moor airfield, near York in November 1942. The Engineering Officer, Sqn. Ldr. "Steamer" Gargill, welcomed Harry and others to Marston Moor and briefed them on their new and highly secret

aircraft. It proved to be an eye-opener as the Haliflax1V looked so normal, except it had "large wings, the inboard engine nacelles were bigger than the outboard ones, there appeared to be only two exhaust ports, and in place of the upper turret, there was a small circular funnel. As the Flight Engineer/Stoker, Harry was now issued a new brevet inscribed "FES".

Flying training began almost at once in order to familiarize the crews with their new aircraft. For most, the conversion to the Halifax 1V was straight forward and not that difficult; however, they all marveled at the aircraft's performance when carrying its 8000 lbs. bomb load. The crews were taught to replenish water stocks by flying through clouds where, with their steam cooling radiators fully open, thus killing two birds with one stone so to say, the radiator, acting as a condenser, with the cold thick cloud taking the heat out of the steam and the cloud then turning into distilled water, they could top up their tanks.

The only draw back of the aircraft was that it left a vapor trail at all altitudes and was clearly visible to all. For training sorties they burned normal coal which left a dark smoke trail, but for operations they loaded up with 5 tons of smoke-less coal which was produced from the nearby Coalite works at Wetherby. Fully loaded, the Halifax 1V had endurance, at cruising speed/altitude, of almost 6 hours. This was more than enough to attack the most distant German targets.

(to be continued)

RETURN FIRE

The Halifax IV article created some response:

Glen Clearwater says that when he read the article he was skeptical, but then he remembered a story he had heard shortly after the war.

"In 1945, I started work as a locomotive fireman with the CNR. During the first few years, I had to travel around to many different Terminals to find work as my Seniority Number was VERY low down the list. One day, while engaged in some R and R, in a local pub-The Pas, I think-a fellow Tallow pot, at the table, began to tell us about an experience he had. It had to do with what he claimed was a special squadron equipped with MK1V Halifax aircraft. They were driven by steam and he claimed to have been one of some 25 "stokers" aircrew who looked after the boiler room in the aircraft. There was one "stoker" per aircraft, one in each crew. Of course the rest of us, at the table, all thought that we were hearing a great line shoot but as it was his turn to buy we didn't want to discourage him.

He went on to tell us about how the firebox used coal for fuel. There had been some problems with getting rid of the ashes but this was solved, he said, by using a disposable ash container fastened beneath the firebox and resembling the housing of H2S antennae. The ash container was not to be dropped over enemy territory, as there was a fear that, if found, the enemy might be able to deduce the secret of the Hally MK IV.

When asked about how the coal was fed to the firebox, he was rather vague except to say that it was gravity fed from the top of the firebox and a belt driven by a small steam engine, which the "stoker" controlled, controlled the rate of feed. The supply of water to the boiler was also controlled by the "stoker" through the use of a feed water steam driven pump. There was a bit of a problem at the high altitudes that they operated at in both the supply of sufficient oxygen for proper combustion in the firebox and in keeping the boiler feed water at a suitable temperature before it entered the boiler, however he was not able to discuss these problems and their solutions in any detail as the whole thing was still on the secret list.

After a few more R and R, we were able to get him talking more about the Hally MKIV. When asked how the fire was started in the firebox, he explained how, on the ground-where else. In order to get sufficient draft through the grate area and get the fire going hot enough to begin boiling the water, a high-pressure air hose was attached to a special fitting that led to a nozzle below the smokestack. This blast of HP air up and out the smoke stack caused combustion air to be drawn through the firebox grates, through the fire bed, and the hot gases to pass through the boiler tubes, heating the water, and out the smoke stack. This was similar to the electric starting carts used to start some aircraft engines. After the boiler steam pressure reached a satisfactory level, the HP air hose was disconnected, and a steam valve was opened by the "stoker", this was called the blower valve. It allowed a strong jet of steam to enter a blast nozzle under the smokestack and did the same job as the HP air hose. Now the aircraft could be taxied. The blower valve had to be kept open until the aircraft reached sufficient flying speed

for combustion air to be ram-forced into the firebox through a damper controlled by the "stoker". When we asked how the crew could fly at such high altitudes, all he would say was that the crew compartments were pressurized and they could fly in comfort in shirt sleeves although the boiler room could get unbearably hot at times and the" stoker" had to strip down to his shorts.

I would have liked to have heard more of his tale but when it became his turn to buy again, he left. I never saw him again and later I heard he had left the CNR and entered politics. Now I can't even remember his name."

[Sc@tterbrain 0]

Well if this isn't military with a sense of humor....

Saddam's armoured car turns up in US

[Ironsight 1]

[Sc@tterbrain 0]

The pic is classic, but I want the story that goes with it!

and don't leave out the sordid details!

**EDITED** Thanks for the grammer check Messiah.

You Brits and your bloody proper english! You must "flip your lid" over American slang. (and rightly so)

[Messiah 2]

sordid details

[CameronMcDonald 146]

Correct grammar forever!

Nice one, Isight. Talk about plastic.

[red oct 2]

AT blooper:

[BlackScorpion 0]

Repost... that's been posted few weeks back. In quite many places actually.

Javelin gone mad!

Or...

SEAdart.

[Jahve 0]

AT blooper:

Lol.. FIRE ZEH MISSILEZ!

[Messiah 2]

it's the mass scramble (understandably) of the soldiers to get away that makes me chuckle - a few brown underpants after that one

[Sc@tterbrain 0]

The vid gave me such a chuckle, I sent that link off to a few people.

It was interesting that even those with no military or weapons experience had the same thought as those that do.

"...Oh s@*t.. RUN!"