Military Humor

[Balschoiw 0]

Good one Hellfish6 !

Can be used for daily work

[denoir 0]

LOL

Quote[/b] ]

43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.

57. The proper response to a lawful order is not 'Why?'

55. There is no ?Anti-Mime' campaign in Bosnia.

87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as ?Mom'.

89. Must not refer to the Commander as ?Dad'.

101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.

106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD?s.

114. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.

153: I should not assign new privates to 'guard the flight line'.

[Scorpio 0]

This one is by far the best:

Quote[/b] ]The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."

edit:

And this one!

Quote[/b] ]On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter.

[Pathy 0]

For military stupidity read : Officers

[loopy 0]

We were on D-Day + 2 when we were getting the first of many air-raids from the Argentine Airforce at Port San Carlos, East Falkland Island.  The enemy were doing all they could to take out as much of our Royal Navy and support ships as possible.

As landlubbers, we were in relative safety and watched the 'several times daily' fireworks display from our trenches in and around the beachhead at San Carlos.  I was a radio operator with support company 2 Para; and with the other signallers in our company took my turn on stag listening to the radio traffic.

I was on stag on this occasion when the radio warned of a 'air raid warning red' this meant that within 5 minutes the Argie Jets would be back to strut their stuff.  It was the job of the radio sentry to blow a whistle and alert as many as possible within earshot to take cover in their trenches.  The biggest anger came from the hundreds of rounds fired from the bootnecks ( Royal Marines) on one hill and 2Para on another hill opposite, shooting at the passing aircraft and hitting the others position, no danger really, from the jets that were only interested in the ships.

My mucker was Jerry , and we worked together during the early stages of the war.  Food consisted of the two 24 hour rat packs that we went ashore with.  Most of this had been consumed on day one and thus, the eternal hunger of soldiers began.  Ginge was a Jew at birth, he no longer considered eating pork a problem.  In actual fact, Ginge would sell his mother for a tin of  bacon-burgers.

Jerry had kept back his bacon burgers for as long as he could stand it.  Now, he was cooking them in his mess-tin so that they went all nice and crispy on  the outside, much tastier like that you see.  I was starving, and smelling my pals scoff being cooked was driving me crazy.  I had already eaten all my

rations and was waiting for the long overdue resupply.  When the air raid warning came I blew my whistle accordingly and watched as the men around me scurried for their trenches and prepared for the incoming attack.  Ginge was preparing his food next me on stag, (I thought just to annoy me) and had to run 30 yards to his trench, as he run he said, 'watch my scoff Taff, back after this to eat it'.  The raids lasted just a few minutes, the Argies only having a little time over the targets for lack of fuel.  In that time I actually scolded my mouth eating his bacon-burgers. When the attack was over Ginge was quickly out of his hole and jogging over to me, looking forward to his scoff.  As it happens, free-range chickens belonging to the house we were using were pecking away just yards from us when Ginge shouted, 'Oye! where's my f...scoff!'   I, (still wiping my mouth) said, 'See those chickens Jerry

they had it before I could stop em, they scoffed it all down'.  'Bastards!' screamed Ginge, kicking at the squawking birds, 'I'm going to have a word about this.'

jerry got some bread, a couple of eggs and a brew off the farmer, who was scratching his head in wonder, so he never starved or suffered, too much.  To this day, jerry tells people about the asbestos lip chickens of the Falklands

[-33ker 0]

LOL

I can't believe he really believed in that chicken story.

[theavonlady 2]

LOL

I can't believe he really believed in that chicken story.

What's most important is that in the end, he didn't have to sell his mother.

[Gollum1 0]

MP3 players for AK-47's

Promoting peace...how sweet.

[EiZei 0]

must.. resist.. the urge of... making.. dumbass jokes about..... mp5 players *ngh*

[AdmiralKarlDonuts 0]

A friend of mine was in the US Army (1st Armored) in the mid-eighties, and was stationed over in Germany.  During the time I've known the guy he's told some pretty good stories so I'll pass them along...

Discovery #1 - MOPP gear doesn't protect against farts.  He was on an exercise that took place during a simulated chemical attack.  He and is buddies were in the back of a buttoned-up M113, clad in full MOPP gear.  One guy let one rip, and it was one of those absolutely horrific ones.  Of course, they couldn't open up the hatches or they'd all be "dead," so thinking quickly they quickly donned their gas masks and hoods - the filters on the masks only trapped the stench and they almost became chemical-warfare casualties after all.

Later on, while still attached to that M113 unit, they pulled a stunt on their CO as he came around to inspect the APCs.  The vehicles would all be parked in line with all doors and hatches open and the crew at attention next to it.  One guy in my buddy's squad bought and assembled a scale model M113 - painted and detailed exactly like the real one - and they parked their real one out of the way somewhere.   The CO walked along the line of M113s and got to these guys, standing at attention, perfectly straight-faced, next to a tiny APC.  The result was....interesting.

They took part in a Reforger exercise and his M113 team was sent on a scout patrol early one morning.  They came within sight of a tiny little German town full of troops and vehicles, but weren't sure exactly whose side they were on - they called it in and nobody had any idea - no "enemy" forces were supposed to be in the area.  Eventually it was decided that they were "bad guys."  So, they were feeling exceedingly bored and decided to have some fun.  Everybody piled onto the roof of the M113 and they turned onto the main road around a bend, out of sight.  The driver floored it and they drove into this town at top speed, hanging off the sides and spraying every weapon they had at the surprised troops in the town, who were mostly asleep and not expecting to run into any enemies.  So they tore down main street, screaming and firing hundreds of rounds in every direction, then turned a corner and found themselves looking down the barrel of an M60 Patton.  The commander had the hatch open and just gave them a little wave - end of the road for Paul and friends.

Later, they had the platoon up on top of a hill securing a microwave transmitter.  It was a little after midnight and they knew the OPFOR would be attacking sometime soon, so they're all dug in and looking downhill.  Soon enough, near the base of the hill they see something - a bunch of lights poking around in the darkness.  Nobody knows what the hell this is and they wait for a second - it turns out that this was a unit  from the French Foreign Leigon that was supposed to attack their position, and they're stumbling around in the dark with their flashlights on.  Up on top of the hill they're giggling to each other and still holding fire.  They let these guys walk up to within a few yards of their positions and let 'em have it, then spent the rest of the night laughing at and otherwise humiliating the tied-up French "KIAs."

[m21man 0]

Quote[/b] ]very #1 - MOPP gear doesn't protect against farts.  He was on an exercise that took place during a simulated chemical attack.  He and is buddies were in the back of a buttoned-up M113, clad in full MOPP gear.  One guy let one rip, and it was one of those absolutely horrific ones.  Of course, they couldn't open up the hatches or they'd all be "dead," so thinking quickly they quickly donned their gas masks and hoods - the filters on the masks only trapped the stench and they almost became chemical-warfare casualties after all.

What happens when a wearer of a MOPP suit lets one rip while inside his suit ?

[Pathy 0]

Its commonly called suicide......

[m21man 0]

Quote[/b] ]Its commonly called suicide......

I think shoving a half dozen live grenades up your ass would be an easier way to go .

[John_Q 0]

Militant stupidity .

Edit - Pic wouldn't show up .

You can see it here (Bad Home-Made TOW).

[SILESIAN 0]

Russian Magic Missile

[SILESIAN 0]

...and one "nice" video from Russians army.

Maybe you dont belive me but its very soft.

[-33ker 0]

Am I the only one who thinks that Putin was the model for OFP's salute animations?

[hellfish6 7]

LOL

[waffendennis 0]

http://www....and one "nice" video from Russians army.

Maybe you dont belive me but its very soft.

Some how I found more things on that site wich made me feel sick....SICKO ALMOST PUKED MY FOOD OUT ( Not the russian soldiers IMHO but the other stuff on that site....it's sick )

[hellfish6 7]

Yeah, you're not kidding. I'm gonna remove the links.

[EiZei 0]

The stupidity is not excatly FROM military but..

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/3504989.stm

Quote[/b] ]

Colonel Baluyevsky gave few details of the new missile which was tested on Wednesday, but said it was one that moved five times the speed of light.

[Warin 0]

Five times the speed of light???

NASA needs to get ahold of this technology for inclusion into a Mars Mission. It could get there pretty fast that way!

I wonder if this was a mistake in translation and meant five times the speed of sound ;)

[John_Q 0]

Quote[/b] ]NASA needs to get ahold of this technology for inclusion into a Mars Mission. It could get there pretty fast that way!

Screw Mars, if we can go that fast we should try going to Alpha Centauri !

[SILESIAN 0]

Maybe not all of these pic is military but this topic is good for all funy fotos - I think .

[shinRaiden 0]

Heh-heh, woopise. (btw, the last one has been posted around a bunch before.)