Military Humor

[Longinius 1]

"[ATs] You are standing less then two meters from the target, Sir."

Now...I just know they didn't say 'sir'

[Guest]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (Longinius @ Mar. 13 2002,07:40)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">"[ATs] You are standing less then two meters from the target, Sir."

Now...I just know they didn't say 'sir' <span id='postcolor'>

Well, it is a translation. We don't have the 'Sir' word in the Swedish military - you address somebody by his rank or by his rank + last name.

I can add that I had to bribe the bastards with two cases of beer so that they would not spread the story around.

[Oligo 1]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (denoir @ Mar. 13 2002,10:57)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">Well, it is a translation. We don't have the 'Sir' word in the Swedish military- you address somebody by his rank or by his rank + last name.<span id='postcolor'>

I doubt they addressed you formally in that situation. I bet they used something like: 'bloody idiot' or something analogous to that in swedish. Privates don't have much respect for sergeants, you know.

[Guest]

Well, that was kind of the point. I addressed them formally, and they replied just as formally. (Which is actually a breach of protocol - you don't use ranks or names over radio in the field).

As for privates not respecting sergeants - these were kustjägare (costal rangers) and when in doubt, they will salute a lamppost.

[Longinius 1]

Haha....kustjägare. A friend of mine did his service as one of those. Poor SOB

[Guest]

Yeah, they really were sadistic to us KJ on occasion.

We had occuring excersises where they would wake us up like three in the morning and put us in a chopper. Then they would dump us in the waters off the island and tell us "swim home to base without getting your weapon wet". Some liked it. I did not  

[FallenPaladin 0]

Basic training

When we had our basic training we sneaked a lot through the woods around the base where I was stationed first. The woods were military area but some civilians were allowed to drive through them, too. For example some farmers.

The jogger

One day we had training in arresting people and while the others trained fifty meters behind me between the trees, I lay guard behind the first tree line directly aside a road. Suddenly a guy appeared on the road hundred meters away. He advanced slowly jogging, while I lay there covered under my camouflage with my G3 in my hands. I thought that was a test, so I yelled „Parole!“ when he was directly in front of me. He stopped a bit confused, because he saw no shit, especially not where my voice came from. So he ignored my second request for the parole and chose to walk away. I still thinking that some dumbass was testing me, engaged him from behind my cover after watching if that guy had some backup. He had none. So I jumped up, broke through the bushes directly behind him. „Get to the ground!!!“ „Hey, stop that, I`m only a jogger!“ Then he realised the assault rifle in my hands and the camo makeup in my face and decided it would obviously be better to follow my orders. But he kept complaining, only softer

When my sergeant finally arrived he saw me above a poor jogger lying on his stomach with his hands behind the head. The sergeant grinned cause I did it „by the book“, but then I had to release the poor guy on the ground, who really was only a jogger. Poor guy!

The tractor

Another day we had a exercise and in the briefing we were told that every vehicle (meant where cars) was to be dealt with as enemy. While my group walked left and right beside to a road I scanned the horizon behind us then I saw it. It was a tractor. I thought that the officer had said every vehicle was status enemy so I decided to make a joke and screamed „Cover!!!“, before any of the other guys could see it, cause I was the last in our row. I jumped into a bush beside the road, so did the others. We were in full gear and the others readied their weapons. Then a old guy on a tractor drove through our middle, staring at us wideeyed. He was a bit shocked, the other guys of my group were confused and I had my fun. Even officers should make precise briefing objectives.

[Stealt Eagle 1]

I'll never take a jog again

[FallenPaladin 0]

Simply answer with the right parole!

[Longinius 1]

This isn't really stupidity, its just hilarious.

I used to do live roleplaying some years ago. You basically dress in mideval gear and act out roleplaying scenarios. This particular scenario took place in a local forest. One of my friends, dressed in a brigandine coat and leather greaves and armguards was out walking carrying his sword. We were preparing the area for the game and checking to see noone was around and that no compromising items (modern equipment) was left in the area. As he walks through the forest someone suddenly yells to him to get down and stay down. He sees three guys in camo clothing rushing him, weapons ready. Quite baffled, he backs up and places the sword in front of him (not knowing what to do). The three stop and look at him, slightly confused. After a brief dialogue, they lower their weapons and the rest of their squad approaches.

Turned out these guys, from the local Airforce base, were out on exercises in the same area we were about to do the scenario in. They got quite confused seeing a mideval soldier walking through the woods Anyway, my friend talks a little with them and hands them some candy (since they had been in the field for about a week) and informs them to please not shoot the nymphs setting up near the road in to the area

[FallenPaladin 0]

ROFL

[Guest]

Ok, here is another story on military stupidity.

As I mentioned before, I  with an amphibious batallion during my basic training. That meant that we went to places very often by boat. One of the more popular types was SB90 (Stridsbĺt 90). It is propulsed by two water-jet engines and is very, very fast (>70 knots). It's design allows it also at high speed to run over small islands. The problem with it is when you go at high speeds the difference between being in the boat and in the water is very little in terms of how wet you are. The result of that is also very bad visibility for the driver. The ground radar tends not to work as well.

Anyway, one day we were going for some diving excersises outside an island and we were getting transported by a couple of SB90:s. As usual we vere going top speed (the boat drivers like to show off), but it was within military waters and used GPS, so there was no problem.

Ten minutes into the ride we heard a muted sound, like something had hit the boat, but it was in no way worse then what the waves were doing to us, so I ignored it. The driver of the boat however shouted "Oh shit". He then proceeded with a crash-stop (steel plate in front of the jet-stream reverses it and the boat stops in less then one boat-length).  He turned the boat around and docked it at the nearest island. There were some very shocked civilans there.

What had happened was that we had driven right thorugh their 47 foot cutler sailboat and sunk it on the spot. They had not read the warning that there were military excersises in the area so they went barbecuing. The boat was parked a bit off the island and in the middle of our path.

I still feel sorry for the poor bastards, especially for the kid who had borrowed his fathers boat without asking for permission... He had some serious explaining to do, as had our driver too...

I am only sorry that I dindn't see anything of the incident since I was in the boat. The guys in another military vessle traveling in  the oposite direction saw it all and said it was quite spectacular. Well, anyway, here are some pictures of the aftermath:

Three of our group's SB90. On starboard of the boat on the left is what remained of the 47 foot sailboat:

...time to call base:

The resulting damage to our boat:

[ralphwiggum 6]

sounds more like civilian stupidity!

[TheOberleutnant 0]

This shows general stupidity of air cadets:

In 200 in summer camp, we were doing dry training with the L98A1 Cadet GP Rifle. Well they were saying about how important it is to check barrel for rounds when unloading etc. THis goes on for about 45mins cos some dull sods were leaving magazines on and then trying to check the weapon is clear etc.

Well after this, all the drill rounds we were practising with were collected in, and conted, and one was missing. We were sent to look for it...outside in grass, outside on concrete, inside the barrack block, everywhere. 2 hours later someone finds it....it was in the barrel of a rifle just left on the floor with the safety catch off in the main corridor....

Shows how stupid some people are

[Stealt Eagle 1]

Where the hell is L24A and Noone, i know Noone had more stories

[Decimus 2]

Noone is busy working on his mod.

Check it out at:

http://flashpoint.xaos.ru/nland/

[Sadico 1]

I've just finished reading the entire thread, and thus i can say: This is the best damn thread ever!!!!

P.S. Yes, check out his mod!! It looks awesome!!

[Pete 1]

we were standing in formation outside and our leutenant walked around and tried his best to make us smile or act un-soldier'ish so that he could punish us....

he came to me and said - Jääkäri Häikiö (rank and my family name)..you have your dick in the wrong side of your pants!!

i answer -sir leutenant, jääkäri häikiö is LEFTHANDED..sir!!

he fell down on the ground laughing, all the guys around me were laughing a lot and the only one still standing and keeping a stone-cold soldier face and attitude was me (wasnt easy, trust me lol)

note: i am left handed, and if a left handed man so desires he can get a rifle made for lefthanded and get to carry it on the left side, he will also get other items for left handed use...

after he stopped laughing and wiped of his tears the leutenant told me to warn him the next time before i joke

[Pete 1]

we saw that we would have a 50 km bike march at wednesday, and we were reliefed as it seemed to be a easy day..only 50 km on bikes and then nothing else...it was like too good to be true...

we wake up that morning, and i see the guy who sleeps closest the window turn all white when he looks out, he says that there's loads of snow...we all look out, and see a snowstorm, and a LOT of snow...then we think of that 50 km bikemarch...

typical in finnish army (and most armies?) is that you dont ever change the schedule..what is planned will also be done, we all knew it, and the thought of riding bicycles in that snow was not a pleasant one...

rumours started to go that perhaps we could go with skiis instead, people started to feel more relaxed...and the rumour started to feel as a fact, untill suddenly we get ordered to get prepared to get our bikes

of 110 men who left to that trip some 50 of us made it, 30 cm snow and strong winds takes a lot from a man, and i saw people drop one by one...behind us came a tractor with a wagon + a medic who picked up the unconsious soldiers and checked who faked and who did not...the ones who faked had to continue the trip from where they quit later on.

i remember feeling my skin on my legs break, i felt the blood pour down my legs and into my shoes..the pain was extreme and i was convinced id have huge scars in my legs....of course all that was imaginary, my legs were fine, but they didnt feel so at the time.

when we got back...we got a new rumour of what happened...

one guy was supposed to have gone to some officers and told them to cancel the bike trip, out officers had thought of changing it to skiing trip instead, but felt that this soldier went out of line and changed back to the biketrip just to teach him a lesson...and we all had to suffer cos of it.

military....you do as planned, and you dont complain.

[Stealt Eagle 1]

ROFL , I remember this story very good from the first thread

[Guest]

Yeah, you do as planned.

In november they planned an excersise for crossing over between two islands over ice, in january.

Problem: There is no ice.

Normal solution: Cross over at the bridge that is one km away from the planned cross-over path.

Normal result: You get to the other side.

Military solution: Make the platoon swim over at the planned cross-over.

Military result: Of 40 men, 27 end up in hospital for hyperthermia.

military... you do as planned, and end up in hospital.

For people who are going to do military service and have some form of choice of their assignement I give this advice:

Try to get an assignement *as far away* from any form of water. Military + water makes a very bad combination.

[Pete 1]

Try to get an assignement *as far away* from any form of water. Military + water makes a very bad combination.

not so easy when the water pours from the skies....

one day we were on the move somewhere and had orders to make emergency firing positions, that means that you just stop and put the mortars up where ever you are...and as happened we were in the middle of a wet swamp, rain pouring from the sky..the earth was so muddy that i was knee deep in it..

and then to move a 500 kg mortar on wheels to a suitable firing position (in less than a minute as ordered..my ass)..took us nearly ten minutes to get it all done, slippery mud made everything im possible, and to add to that all the small bushes and fallen trees on the ground...

totally impossible

we succeeded however, after some ten minutes or so...but our CO's werent pleased..they saw us as incompetent..and for that reason we had to put the mortars back into the vehicles, move 100 meters to a fresh muddy area and repeat the whole thing, and then another 100 meters, and another...

we got more and more tired, hardly could stand up after all the power in my feet was used up pushing those mortars to position..and our CO's DEMANDED a 1 minute set up time.

time and army...there is only one correct and acceptable time, if you dont succeed you need to repeat the procedure..which really just takes more time, but that kind of time seems ironically to be endless in the army..the time to "repeat things"

[Oligo 1]

Ahh, the joyous joy of pushing the 500kg heavy mortar to positions. The best fun I had was as follows:

We were having exercises in a hilly area. It had been raining for weeks (luckily we hadn't been in the exercise for weeks but a few days), so the ground was getting really muddy. One of the positions we were told to use was located on the bank of an old sand-extraction area and the road to the positions went over one really steep hill.

So we placed the mortars with great effort, because we had to manually push them up the bank a little. Then we sat around for a long time like the mortar troops often do, had some food and fired some mock shots. Eventually the order to move out was droned.

We loaded the mortars on the wheeled racks and connected them to the back of the trucks. Everybody hopped into the back of the trucks and off we went. Except that the middle one of our three trucks got stuck, when it was trying to clear the muddy hill. The wheels sank axle deep into the mud.

After the officers had determined that getting the two trucks out without a some kind of recovery vehicle was impossible, two backup trucks were sent for us. We were told to get our stuff and the mortars and load it all on the new trucks.

It was impossible to push the mortars in the knee deep mud, although we tried it. The goddamn things just sank in deeper. So what we had to do was to disassemble the mortars in knee-deep mud (they break into three 100+ kg pieces) and haul them up the hill manually in knee-deep mud.

Needless to say, when we were half-way through with the job, several people were in a state where they would have shot the officers, their friends and themselves if only they had been issued live ammo to their rifles.

When we were finished, we were completely covered in stinking mud, totally exhausted beyond any belief and demoralized as much as you can get demoralized.

AND then we arrived to the next position and everything had to be set up in a minute... BLAH Blah blah... Such it is in the army.  

[nordin dk 0]

For every post in this thread, I'm getting more and more happy that I've never been part of that circus of death, and that I never will be.

[Guest]

Ok here is another story. I am bloody happy that it didn't happen to me, but to a guy in my unit.

We got a leave over one weekend and he took his clothes home and washed them. Unfortunately for him some of his girlfrend's red clothes got washed with all his military clothes. The result was that his uniform and especially his t-shirts got a nice pink shade. Since he was in a hurry to return to base he had no time to wash them agian.

Directly after returning to base, we had an inspection. You can imagine the scene. About 300 soldiers in gray t-shirts except for one, in a very pink one.

The inspecting colonel walked up to him, stared for a minute and then burst into laughter and walked away. Our captain was however less amused and the por sob got guard duty for a week.