A Soldiers Story

[bmgarcangel 0]

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NOTE: GO TO THIRD (3rd) PAGE OF THIS THREAD AND BEYOND TO SEE THE MOST UPDATED AND COMPLETELY REVISED VERSION OF MY STORY

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A Soldiers Story

The Tet Offensive

( By Brendan G. ( Me, bmgarcangel ) )

The sun had set about 9 hours ago.  The night was pretty calm around the area of Bienhoa, the US Main army base just north of Saigon.  A slight wind was coming in from the direction of the sea.  Blowing against my face, getting some relief from the humidity of them Vietnam nights.  My name is Corporal Steve Forrest.  I’d been in South Vietnam for only a month and we were packing for the long journey tomorrow morning to a base just 12 miles south of the North Vietnamese border.  I heard some rumors circling around the base and the troops around Saigon that we were going to invade North Vietnam and overthrow the communist government.  If they were true or not, I would never find out.  

I finished packing around 240 hrs., put my bag next to my bunk and looked around…everyone was already in their bunks, I was the last to go to bed.  I pulled down my sheets and got in, stretching out I moved my left arm and turned out the light.  Turning over I started to think what lay ahead of me tomorrow and the next few months.  Whether I would make it or not.  Thinking of my parents, my girl, my dog, my house, books, bed…remembering all the I knew in my life, pondering the question in my head over and over again for 30 minutes, thinking whether I would be making it back home.  Finally I settled the subject and just put to rest for the moment.  Starting to drift off into the dream like world that I so longed for, the process was suddenly interrupted by the sound of a distinct sound from Saigon.  My eyes burst open as I listened to the fully automatic weapons being fired in the distance.  I listened for about five minutes when suddenly the sound stopped.  Ak-47….but in Saigon?  Again I put the thought aside and started to drift off into sleep once again when it sounded.  The blaring sound of the siren in the base and the sound of reveille playing as people jumped up out of there bunks, pulling on there pants and boots, running outside.  I got my pants and boots on, got up and ran outside right behind one of my best friends.  

“Fuck, damn drill this early in the morning!†Yelled a soldier behind me.

“Probably damned Sergeant Jones again, testing us again to see if we can get up fast and be out and ready for battle in a moments notice.†I Said as I ran out the tent door, towards where the rest of the formation was gathering, “ You guys are lucky, you got some sleep!†I yelled as I approached the formation.  I could see Captain Barnes and Sergeant Jones to the left, in front of the formation, talking about something and looking at a map.

Getting into formation I assumed the position of At Ease and moved my eyes left and right, wondering what was going on.  

“Dude, this ain’t no damned exercise.  They’re looking at the map…and look at 3rd Platoon, they’re mounting up man.† Private West said over my shoulder. “Something is going down around here.â€

Turning me head to my left I told him about the gunfire I had heard about 10 minutes or so ago.  Soon the word passed around the formation and some of us had a gut feeling we weren’t heading north this morning.

After five more minutes Sergeant Jones stopped talking to the Captain and came walking up to the formation with the Captain behind him.  “Gentlemen, wipe that sleep out of your eyes.  Now something has happened in Saigon.  Captain Barnes will brief you.  Attent-Hut!† Snap, everyone was at attention.  Jones did an about face and faced the Captain, bringing up a salute.

“Thank you Sergeant,†said Captain Barnes as he returned the Salute.  The Sergeant turned left and walked to the left end of the as the Captain began.  “At Ease Gentlemen.  All right now, we have to head into Saigon.  At 0300 hrs. Charlie infiltrated and took over the US Embassy, killing the G.I. guards in the process.  Following this we also have word of multiple attacks throughout this area.  Now we are to head back into Saigon to ascertain the situation.  Get your packs, weapons, ammo, water, and some C-rations and report back near the trucks at the far end of the camp.  You are Dismissed Gentlemen!â€

With that we headed back to our barracks where we did as he said.  Then we headed to the supply station where we grabbed some ammo, C-rations, and headed to the meeting point.  

“Hey Forest,†I heard from behind me, turning my head to look at Private Millers face, “-looks like we’re not going to be going north today.â€

“Sucks, doesn’t it.  I came to see some action and now we got some police work in Saigon.  This seriously sucks.†I said.

“Agreed.  But man, what if like this is some major communist operation, we might have a pretty good fight on our hands.â€

“Don’t bet on it man, they wouldn’t dare come all the way down here to start something with your ugly face.† We didn’t show it, we didn’t talk about it, we didn’t admit it…. but we were all scared that this was something big.

We hanged around the Marine position for about 3 hours, until it got light again outside.  All the rest of the morning you could the gunfire on the streets in the distance, even from the direction of the base we had just come from.  Seems like them commies had launched a major offensive against us, and we were in the middle of it.  

Around 530 hrs. Captain Barnes got us together and told us we were to head to the US Embassy to try and assess the situation there, not to mention possibly try and retake it.  So we packed up and left 10 of our 40 men with the marines and we headed out down the alley as the sky in the east started to get brighter.  Still fairly dark, we walked along, straining our eyes in the dark, trying to see what lay beyond, in the shadows next to us and in the windows all around us.  

          We stuck to the alley till we got to a 2-lane road where we stopped while the Sergeant and the Captain debated where the Embassy was on the map.  Some soldiers started chatting it up and joking in the back.  Sergeant told me to head back down the line and see what the commotion was all about.

“-poor bastard, man look at this he got some kids and family back home, “ One of the soldiers in the back said as he searched one of the dead enemy soldiers for souvenirs, “-they won’t be seeing him anymore, man oh man, he won’t be needing this shit anymore either as a matter of fact.  Hey Johnny boy, take this will ya so-“

“What in the hell are you guys doing, “ I said as I approached, seeing the contraband they were pulling out of this soldier which include some rice, bayonet, and some other things, “Put that stuff back with that guy now and get back up and shut up.  You heard the Sergeant no talking and you know the rules, no souvenirs!â€

“Ya ya, whatever.  I’ll put the rest of the shit back but this handgun is mine.â€

“Just so you remember, if the sergeant finds you with it, I warned you and you didn’t listen.â€

“Dude, like he cares about the fucking rules, he already has some gook smokes and crap,†said another one of the soldiers in the back.  

“Just get back in line and shut-up.â€

So they did and walked back up the formation to the front where the Captain and the Sergeant were still going at it.  I looked around as it started to get brighter as the sun rose in the east; the sky was getting brighter, as another hot humid hellish day began.  Gunfire echoed through the streets from a slight distance away and it was kind of an Erie feeling.  Looking at the sunrise, looking at the men around you, hearing the gunfire, hoping that this would not be your last time that you shall see the sun rise.  

The captain and the sergeant finally finished up and we headed right on the street, moving between cover in and around buildings.  Civilians were already populating the streets, trying to get to there jobs but it seemed like a majority where just trying to get out of town for some odd reason.  People had stuff on carts, their whole families, they were all heading away from the hot spots in town while we were heading in.  Ironic, isn’t it?  When everyone else heads away we are the only ones going in…. just us.

 

After about a half hour of walking, we finally came within sight of the embassy, gunfire was now loud and we could see some soldier’s running back and forth ahead of us, along with some dazed and confused civilians.  Some bodies lay among the street as we approached, running along the side of the road, taking advantage of cover.  We had our first casualty as we came within about 200 yards of the embassy when a few shots rang out all the sudden from the embassy’s top floor, hitting Miller and then West, who fell to the ground dead just as the sergeant yelled for everybody to take cover, we ran into the bushes next to the road and behind anything we could find.  

“Corporal Johnson, get that m60 set up across the street, fire on the upper part of the embassy, we’ll cover you.  Now go go go!  Covering fire!†Jones yelled amongst the gunfire.

We rose from our defense position and fired in the general direction of the enemy, as Johnson ran across the road and set his machine gun up.  Advancing slowly between cover trying to get close to the embassy so that we could get into it, we lost a few more men.  Covered by the m60 in the rear, a few of us advanced along the street until we were right outside the gate to the embassy.  Getting up against the wall I leaned over to glance into the compound via the gate.  I could see some enemy soldiers firing at the rest of the squad, which was pinned down just down the road.  Leaning back into some cover I made sure my weapon was loaded and selecting semi automatic.  I looked at the soldiers who followed me to this position and told them to get ready to enter the compound.  Once again, I leaned around the corner and this time aimed my weapon at the nearest enemy soldier and fired 3 rounds.

“Alright guys, go go go!  I got you covered now move!†I yelled behind my shoulder as I aimed at the next soldier.  My fellow GI’s ran past me and into the compound where they fire some rounds and took cover against the embassy next to some doors where they prepared to enter the room.  Deciding to join up, I ran from my place of cover and meant up with them.  The m60 machine gun which was down the road still provided some cover in the second story room, keeping the enemies attention on keeping there heads down.

Walking up to the door and next to the men, I signaled for grenades as I put my hand on the door and pulled it open, one of the soldiers through a grenade in.  I closed the door as bullets rattled the door; I got up against the wall and got down.  As soon as I heard the explosion inside I opened the door again and my 4 other fellow soldiers burst in, guns a blazing, with me following close behind.  Almost instantly an Ak-47 wielding soldier shot down two of the soldiers just as the two others took cover, I aimed and shot the soldier at point blank range in the chest two times.  I continued forward, going through the room, seeing a few dead bodies here and there.  Including some of our fellow GI’s who had probably been guarding the building when these commando type soldiers launched their surprise attack.  

Getting a glimpse around the room I noticed it was like…a lobby or at least that’s what it reminded me of.   Finally, at the other side of the room I signaled for the two other soldiers to move up with me as we prepared to take down the other room I did not see it coming…the soldiers burst through a door behind me and the last thing I remember was turning around and looking at the butt of a gun strike me in the face.  I went down.

__

I awoke to the sound of gunfire close by.  Laying in a bunk in some kind of a make shift hospital I looked around and saw other soldiers laying around, while nurses and doctors tended to their wounds.  Remembering what had happened in the embassy I wondered what had happened?  Did we take the objective, the embassy?  How long had I been hear.  After a few minutes of contemplating what happened or what might of happened I yelled to the nurse nearest me.  She came to me.

I took a breath and asked her what happened.  She told me to wait for now until the doctor got here to check me out.  So I waited and pretty soon the doctor came along.

Getting up off the bed and talking to the doctor, letting him make sure I was ok.  So I found out I’d been out of it for about 20 hours.  I headed out of the makeshift hospital.  Upon getting outside I realized I was back at Bienhoa and found out that the day before I had been hit and knocked out by an enemy soldier in the embassy.  The two other guys that were with me killed the enemy soldier that pounded me on the head and had received orders to get back to the squad which was pulling out and heading back to Bienhoa.  They pulled me out along with another injured soldier but left the dead.  Now Bienhoa was under heavy attack by both NVA and VC forces.  Our squad was on the front line of defense for the base and that only around 16 of the 30 men we once had were still alive.  Sergeant Jones had been killed by enemy fire during the night, Captain Barnes had appointed some corporal to take the Sergeants position.  All my other friends in the squad that I knew had been killed too.  I realized now that this wasn’t a walk in the park anymore, that war wasn’t all glorious, heroic, and romantic as it was brought up to be back home.  War was hell as I realized that I lost most of the friends that I knew from boot camp.  It was definite hell.

After a few months of fighting we finally brought an end to the Tet offensive around March.  Loosing 6,000 men, including 10 more in my squad, we got hit pretty hard.  But from what I had the enemy got hit even harder, try like around 100,000 of their troops dead.  I started to realize that this was a war that this was a war that we might not win.  Like in Korea and World War II, this was a suicidal enemy, who would throw hundreds of troops at you in a few big charges.  Motivated and dedicated I realized that these were soldiers who would not give up until Vietnam was united.  Seven years after the Tet offensive, unfortunately, that unity became a reality to the dismay of the US Military and the South Vietnamese people.

[raedor 8]

intresting...

[cozza 24]

yeah. I a okay story. Interisting as raedor said. Looking forward to more of ya short storys.

[Acro 0]

Nice little story. If you're making a novel I'd suggest you to descripe the enviroment and characters little more.

[bmgarcangel 0]

Ya, not to mention, its realistic, I did my studying on it, even body counts in the end is realistic to the timing in the begining of the story when the first attack was launched.

~Bmg

Acro, its a short story, member, not a novel ...thats the point

[GoOB 0]

Even if it's a short story, you need good characters and "living" enviroments.

I read it, it just feels like it was written for MÖP's (MÖP=Military overly interested person) But that could be balanced out by adding some substance to the characters... It may be short, but it is still good to have it enjoyable. A good start!

[bmgarcangel 0]

lol

Guess i'm a mop, eh?

Ya I need to learn how to write better in some circumstances, but it can't be too long....

~Bmg

[GoOB 0]

I remember you putting out some other story before, which was, in my opinion much better. And it was shorter too

This one felt incomplete, I would suggest doing smaller chapters (one/week?) to make the writing easier.

[bmgarcangel 0]

I decided to upgrade the begining part really quick...you looking for something like...this??

A Soldiers Story

The Tet Offensive

The sun had set about 9 hours ago. The night was pretty calm around the area of Bienhoa, the US Main army base just north of Saigon. A slight wind was coming in from the direction of the sea. Blowing against my face, getting some relief from the humidity of them Vietnam nights. My name is Corporal Steve Forrest. 17 years of age, I’m of medium height, average build, with a few scars from my youth on my arm from a car accident when I was in High School. I have a dark tan, blue eyes, and brown hair. Back home I was the one you’d always see getting into some kind of a trouble, whether it be some kind of a prank or getting caught with a bosses daughter, you would always hear about me getting into some kind of a mess. I had no brothers or sisters, so I was the only child in devout catholic family that was getting tired of me getting into to trouble. So as soon as I turned 18 and the draft went into effect, I turned out here, against my wishes, but my dad said it would teach me some kind of respect for authority.

I’d been in South Vietnam for only a month and we were packing for the long journey tomorrow morning to a base just 12 miles south of the North Vietnamese border. I heard some rumors circling around the base and the troops around Saigon that we were going to invade North Vietnam and overthrow the communist government. If they were true or not, I would never find out.

I finished packing around 240 hrs., put my bag next to my bunk and looked around…everyone was already in their bunks, I was the last to go to bed. I pulled down my sheets and got in, stretching out I moved my left arm and turned out the light. Turning over I started to think what lay ahead of me tomorrow and the next few months. Whether I would make it or not. Thinking of my parents, my girl, my dog, my house, books, bed…remembering all the I knew in my life, pondering the question in my head over and over again for 30 minutes, thinking whether I would be making it back home. Finally I settled the subject and just put to rest for the moment. Starting to drift off into the dream like world that I so longed for, the process was suddenly interrupted by the sound of a distinct sound from Saigon. My eyes burst open as I listened to the fully automatic weapons being fired in the distance. I listened for about five minutes when suddenly the sound stopped. Ak-47….but in Saigon? Again I put the thought aside and started to drift off into sleep once again when it sounded. The blaring sound of the siren in the base and the sound of reveille playing as people jumped up out of there bunks, pulling on there pants and boots, running outside. I got my pants and boots on, got up and ran outside right behind one of my best friends.

“Fuck, damn drill this early in the morning!†Yelled a soldier behind me.

“Probably damned Sergeant Jones again, testing us again to see if we can get up fast and be out and ready for battle in a moments notice.†I Said as I ran out the tent door, towards where the rest of the formation was gathering, “ You guys are lucky, you got some sleep!†I yelled as I approached the formation. I could see Captain Barnes and Sergeant Jones to the left, in front of the formation, talking about something and looking at a map. Sergeant Jones, a tall G.I., about 6’4â€, he stuck out from all the men. He’d been in Vietnam since the beginning days, when he fought in the Valley of Death with the 7th Calvary. He was a battle-hardened veteran and we all looked up to him, knowing he would know what to do. Captain Barnes on the other hand was a fresh soldier, just like me, straight out of WestPoint; he’d been rushed to the front line and thrown into our Company. Neither battle hardened nor bright, we only hoped that he would be able to do the right thing in this god-awful mess.

Getting into formation I assumed the position of At Ease and moved my eyes left and right, wondering what was going on.

[AdmiralKarlDonuts 0]

My name is Corporal Steve Forrest. 17 years of age, I’m of medium height, average build, with a few scars from my youth on my arm from a car accident when I was in High School. I have a dark tan, blue eyes, and brown hair. Back home I was the one you’d always see getting into some kind of a trouble, whether it be some kind of a prank or getting caught with a bosses daughter, you would always hear about me getting into some kind of a mess. I had no brothers or sisters, so I was the only child in devout catholic family that was getting tired of me getting into to trouble. So as soon as I turned 18 and the draft went into effect, I turned out here, against my wishes, but my dad said it would teach me some kind of respect for authority.

This whole biographical chunk is a good example of that old "show, don't tell" axiom.

Stuff like this throws the whole flow of the writing out of order; it's far better to somehow work these details into the writing more smoothly without just listing them off like items on a shopping list. Following the narrative along and suddenly reading this section is a big jolt to the reader - it just doesn't fit.

It's okay not to cover these details up front at the beginning of the story - push them back to the point where you can fit them in more naturally, such as in conversation between two characters, or even by including them as part of a particular scene's setting. What I mean is that you don't have to establish the physical description before you do anything else.

For example, instead of saying that somebody always gets in trouble, you should include instances in which he actually is getting in trouble. Similarly, find a way to point out scars (if they're significant enough to mention) without blatantly saying "I have scars on my arm."

Dialogue is always useful for describing things you want the readers to know, because you might have characters involved in the discussion who are just as ignorant of certain things as the reader is - in this case you might have character A say something to character B because character B didn't know it...nor did the reader. I find this works best when referring to someone who isn't there - A and B talk to each other about C, so therefore you don't need to have even seen C yet to know what he's like.

But I come at this writing from the 3rd person - I don't know how exactly to translate that over to 1st person since your POV is so constricted.

Anway, I figured I'd mention it so that you might improve your writing in case you wanted to take any of these little stories all the way - I'm writing a full-lengh book myself so I definitely appreciate how tough it is to write stuff people want to read. Keep it up and the quality of your work will continue improving to the point that it's all second nature.

[bmgarcangel 0]

Well, this isn't just a fun thing, oh write a story, show the world, get comments and support oh fun type of thing.

Its an assignment for my creative writing class. I'm being graded on this for:

- Descriptive Writing

- Characterization

- Plot

- Setting

- Presentation

Now, what would you grade me for all of those?

1 pt., .5 pt., or 0 pts. for each.

~Bmg

[Bikecop 0]

10 points each .Its like reading marine sniper

[AdmiralKarlDonuts 0]

Well, this isn't just a fun thing, oh write a story, show the world, get comments and support oh fun type of thing.

Its an assignment for my creative writing class. I'm being graded on this for:

- Descriptive Writing

- Characterization

- Plot

- Setting

- Presentation

Now, what would you grade me for all of those?

1 pt., .5 pt., or 0 pts. for each.

~Bmg

Keep in mind this is all IMO and I'm trying to help in the long run

Descriptive writing: Mmm, I'd say about .5, probably a hair over. Good, only so far as it gives you an idea that you're in a town, surrounded by other guys, it's hot, etc etc etc. However, I don't see much that makes it Vietnam, if you know what I mean. There are place names and such, but I just don't feel particularly immersed. Put us in combat - have us feel the strain of taking fire, running for cover, trying to drag wounded buddies to safety...make us feel the uncertainty and intensity of the moment.

Characterization: I'll give it a .5 because you attempted to give the character a background. Other than that, there are no other characters. You provided some names, but all these other guys are just random dudes holding guns. Since it's such a short story you can only have a couple of fleshed-out characters, but try taking one of the squadmates and making him another person rather than another M16. Like I said, dialogue is powerful - make use of it in creating some good characters.

Plot: Again, since I'm pidgeonholed into three possible ratings I'll have to go with .5, though it's probably less than that. You allude to a move up north, a possible invasion of North Vietnam, and then you wrap up the whole Tet Offensive with a couple of numbers, but in terms of what actually happens here, there's not much. A plot moves the story along, the plot is the whys and wheres and whos and all that...pretty much this is jump out of bed, walk into city, exchange gunfire, get knocked out. I suppose you'd argue that the overall plot is the guy getting caught up in the Tet Offensive, but this little story is far too narrow in scope to really encompass that much.

Setting: I already lumped this in with desciptive writing, I suppose, but again I'll give you between 0 and .5 for this specific part of it. Describe where we are, describe what the firebase looks like, give some life to everything and immerse us in it. We're told where we are but someone who knows nothing about Vietnam won't benefit at all from some place names. Where's the sea? Where is Saigon? What does the base look like? Is Saigon a big city? Is it dirty, overcrowded, loud, smelly, etc?

Presentation: I don't know what you're asking me to evaluate here.

Overall this story is far too detached...I don't feel at all that I'm in this guy's shoes. I don't know any of the other men (therefore they mean nothing to me), I don't have a good sense of where we are, so on and so forth.

IMO you know you've written well when your reader finishes the story, looks up, blinks a little, and realizes he's still where he was before he started reading. Part of my novel includes a platoon scrambling to board their choppers in a PZ under heavy fire - I talk about how the men can barely see one another in the tall grass, talk about how the protagonist fixates himself on one enemy soldier and as a result sort of zones out from the rest of the battle, I talk about choppers struggling to get into the air, being pelted with bullets, so on and so forth.

Little details make all the difference. They draw the reader in, and even if you're a MOP or whatever it is, if you balance the names and technical details off with sound writing all around, you're golden. I showed a few people that scene and nobody got hung up on all the M16s and Uh60s and miniguns and RPG7s or any of that since it was part of a general trend of writing very detailed work.

So my advice is this - narrow the scope of the story even further. Really focus on the combat part of things as opposed to listing off all this stuff about the rest of the Tet Offensive. Here's something you might do...

1. Open with the protagonist pissing away another night in Vietnam with a couple of buddies over a couple of beers - use this time to establish the guy's background and all that other stuff. Lots of talk here, back and forth, but obviously they're all buds so you'e got to make it seem natural.

2. Everybody goes to bed. Very briefly talk about how the character can't get a certain thing that was brought up in conversation out of his head - maybe somebody was talking about his girlfriend or his parents or something, which then makes our man start thinking about all that stuff in his life - BAM! Wake up, gunfire, get your ass in gear soldier, we're in a war here. Fall in - make sure the buddies from before are seen prominently here too.

3. Off we go to war - put us in the war. Since this is first person, every little detail we're getting comes right through the eyes of the protagonist - that means every little thing he hears, sees, does, thinks, etc should figure prominently in the writing. Details, details, details. Also, decide whether this is actually living the action as it unfolds or looking back on the action after the fact - I think this is a little unclear, since some of what's written is clearly with the benefit of hindsight as opposed to the rather limited perspective of live-action.

IMO the first person is used when your goal is to put the reader into the story. I think this on one hand limits your possibilities, but on the other hand it means that you can (and therefore must) make everything as vivid as possible. Focus on what's going on; focus on the combat, on the beads of sweat dripping into your eyes from underneath your helmet, on how the M16 feels in your hands as your heart pounds and rounds are slamming into the concrete all around you. Earlier, focus on the people, on their mannerisms as they talk to the protagonist, on how they intonate certain words, on how they move when in combat, etc. Like I said, we're seeing everything through the character's eyes so we'd better feel like we're standing there too.

Take what you will out of that, I'm not about to tell you to throw it all away and do things my way. You're on the right track, just make some changes and you can raise the quality exponentially.

But your attitude kind of worries me...IMO there's no difference in why you're writing, just make it the best damn writing that you can. In my case it's not being graded so I suppose at this point it is "oh write a story, show the world, get comments and support oh fun type of thing" until I get it published, but that doesn't mean either one of us should be putting any less than 100% into what we're doing.

[Bikecop 0]

Remember he is writing a short story not a friggen tom clancy novel were everything is explained.so just tone done to the level of a short story not a friggen tom clancy international seller.

[AdmiralKarlDonuts 0]

Remember he is writing a short story not a friggen tom clancy novel were everything is explained.so just tone done to the level of a short story not a friggen tom clancy international seller.

So only Tom Clancy has to explain things?

Dude, seriously, two posts back you said it's like reading Marine Sniper, a lengthy book with everything much more developed than it is here.

The length of the story shouldn't matter at all - the quality should be the same no matter what it is or how long it is.

But like I said earlier, that's my take on things - take it or leave it.

[Bikecop 0]

mot ycnalc si na toidi revewoh gmb si ton.

uoy era llits gnikat siht yrost sa a mot ycnalc levon ouy dart yeknom

[BoweryBaker 0]

It'd be cool if there were a thread where we could all write a continuing war story about a guy during war time.

Edit: Dear Diary, I guess its safe to start off where we followed the Sergeant into the pub. He had his rifle slung over and draped down his back like an ancient barbarians sword and stood very tall. We took confidence in Leary's decision making skills so we really didn't think we'd get into any trouble. His name was Timothy Leary. He was a fighting machine and very solid I remember thinking to myself watching him walk towards the pub. The mood was calm and the night was young. The city had just awaken to the night drinkers and party goers who would take to the book stores and smoking lounges in the very hip district we came to question about connections to illegal weapons. Leary had on his green camo hooded BDU's, M4 assault rifle on his back, a pair of black gloves, black combat boots, and strangely his black beret on his head. I supposed he wanted the operation to look more like we were out for a night on the town and just happened to be armed. It would have looked that way up until I tell you what happened next. The mood was so calm that the bouncer was talking to a young lady by a phone booth. He had come over to Leary to ask him to remove his weapon before entering. Leary didn't even look at him. He simply did a back kick straight into the bodyguards stomach like "HOOAH" laying the bouncer down in a moan of pain into the fetal position on the sidewalk, then as if nothing happened he straightened his beret and continued on into the pub with a menacing look on his face. The rest of us were eager to see what would happen next......

[bmgarcangel 0]

hey

Seal84, copyed your notes to my computer and i'm going to revise my story. Its no longer going to be short but...it'll be a good one, i promise you that much.

~Bmg

[BoweryBaker 0]

I think the story is a tad too detailed that the topic starter wrote. Like maybe instead of saying "i turned to my left" he could nail alot more of importance in saying "i looked at this object or that object or at somebody and" just to get the main character of his attention in the same sentence as the action.

[Balschoiw 0]

Quote[/b] ]It'd be cool if there were a thread where we could all write a continuing war story about a guy during war time.

We already had such...didn´t work...too much nonsense

[I_love_Madei 0]

ok this is my first post and i dont really know wat to say so im going to say that the story was abit long and to detailed, u could hav left alot of stuff out. i'd give it a 5 out of ten.

[SpeedyDonkey 0]

tom clancy is an idiot however bmg is not. you are still taking this story as a tom clancey novel you trad monkey  

What SEAL84 did is grate. Bmg posted his story to get feedback and constructive criticism in order to further improve his grade in "Creative writing". SEAL84 carefully explained every aspect of the story that he felt could be improved. And what does he get? - Whining.  

I wish I had someone reviewing all my crap for my English C course. Watch out, one day I might start dumping it here..

Anyway, a tad on topic now: I think it is a nice story bmg, good luck in class! =) My writing skills are at the level of a semi-educated monkey, so I'll skip going into details. I think SEAL did that pretty well!

[bmgarcangel 0]

Yes he did and I thank for him that.  As for my part, i'll be back later to post an upgraded part after I go running.  Its like 6:19am where i live right now, perfect time go on a 2-6 mile run.

I want to upgrade this story like seal84 said, but what if hte teacher complains that the story is too damned long though?

~Bmg

[Bikecop 0]

I wrote it backwords like this...

gmb si etirw a tesb relles dna evas ruo ymonoce ym hsilgne rehcaet ehs snailpmoc taht ti yrev gnol dna ehs tnow edarg ti.

os doog kcul ni ssalc gmb ;)

[bmgarcangel 0]

stop spamming before i report you mate...