Espectro (DayZ) 0 Posted May 13, 2002 I found this on another forum: ASS HAIR I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to all though tasteless, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble pooping. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ss-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with somepaper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea. I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn babe. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over. Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic poop -molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky poop/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering poop/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own poop blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks." Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony. Friends-DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Major Fubar 0 Posted May 13, 2002 F**king hell! You did it, you posted the most bizarre topic I have ever seen! Congrats! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sandman 0 Posted May 13, 2002 ROFLMA(Hair)O... To much information Espectro? Nah, glad U shared that... LOL Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bart.Jan 0 Posted May 13, 2002 It's a very interesting and important information. Â Â Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tex -USMC- 0 Posted May 13, 2002 Im glad you told me this Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LauryThorn 0 Posted May 13, 2002 Maybe I will make a song based on your story, Espectro. Thanks for inspiration! Â EDIT: Just noticed that it isn't your story. (Or at least you don't admit it. ) Sorry for the misunderstanding.. Anyway, the inspiration is still here! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RedStorm 0 Posted May 13, 2002 Damnit! Couldn't you have posted that 5 minutes earlier? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Placebo 28 Posted May 13, 2002 I find that if I plait mine into pigtails everything stays a lot cleaner Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Major Fubar 0 Posted May 13, 2002 All I can say is don't break any laws man! You don't wanna end up in prison with a shaved ass! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Albert Schweitzer 10 Posted May 13, 2002 People have tooooo much leisure! Â Â Anyhow, anyone that does horse-back riding could have given you little advises on the ass-issue. When I did long trips I even used a special creme which in fact is nothing else than grease from the skin/hair of a deer (no kiddin), so called Hirsch-talg. Without it, or even with a 3-day old shaved ass you would be sitting on sand-paper and you would slowly slowly be rubbed away. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Placebo 28 Posted May 13, 2002 </span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (Major Fubar @ May 13 2002,15:10)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">All I can say is don't break any laws man! You don't wanna end up in prison with a shaved ass!<span id='postcolor'> My ass was very popular in prison Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
WhoCares 0 Posted May 13, 2002 This is the first time in my life I wished I were a woman or less then 18 years btw: Placebo, your link collides with Hilandors image rule -> be prepared to get banned!!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Placebo 28 Posted May 13, 2002 </span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (WhoCares @ May 13 2002,15:24)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">btw: Placebo, your link collides with Hilandors image rule -> be prepared to get banned!!! Â <span id='postcolor'> LOL I asked Hil whether it would get me banned but I haven't heard back from him, I think he sneaked off to his bedroom with the pic Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
IsthatyouJohnWayne 0 Posted May 13, 2002 Errrrrrrrrrrrr ........... ... .. thanks? BLUEhg Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
FetishFool 0 Posted May 13, 2002 You have no idea how often I think of shaving my ass hair. It's disgusting. And my girlfriend loves jamming her fingers into my crack. She never fails to say "You STILL haven't shaved that shit off, yet?". Thank you for the... Enlightenment. I won't ever dream of shaving my ass any longer. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sandman 0 Posted May 13, 2002 </span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (FetishFool @ May 13 2002,19:55)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">And my girlfriend loves jamming her fingers into my crack.<span id='postcolor'> Interesting.... /me *makes mental note* Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nordin dk 0 Posted May 13, 2002 What the cow is trying to say is: "Ban Placebo!" B.t.w. which one is you Placebo? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nordin dk 0 Posted May 13, 2002 lol @ FetishFool That's too much information, man. Get yourself together! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Placebo 28 Posted May 13, 2002 </span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (nordin dk @ May 13 2002,19:40)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">B.t.w. which one is you Placebo?<span id='postcolor'> The one in Hil's avatar Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nordin dk 0 Posted May 13, 2002 Stupid topic = closure closing... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Assault (CAN) 1 Posted May 13, 2002 </span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">The one in Hil's avatar <span id='postcolor'> YIKES!! ..... j/k Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Albert Schweitzer 10 Posted May 13, 2002 This looks like a pretty small table for a lot of stuff. But he implemented the `Tokyo solution`, just pile it all up to towers and it will fit. I need a 1.8m x 1.3m table to satisfy my computer & accessories demands! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
cybrid 0 Posted May 13, 2002 How do you deal with the origional problem WITH the hair I'm tired of washing my ass with soap and water, after nearly every crap Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
FetishFool 0 Posted May 13, 2002 Imagine after losing your head hair: Soap your head, and shampoo your ass! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
