Blame it on mother nature

[Tovarish 0]

Y'know, I posted this a few months ago and it mysteriously dissapeared a few minutes later, but after reading that ass-shaving thread I'm hoping maybe this time it'll stay up. This is THE funniest thing to ever grace my e-mail inbox, hell I've had it sitting there since I was a junior in high school!

. Anyways, it's worth a second try, enjoy:

In response to a woman who accidentally walked into the men's restroom

"Please don't feel bad, It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare us guys ever hit what we're aiming for. You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling ya, those little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee like a woman. She has me convinced that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the seat because I forgot to put

the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood". Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't aim. You have no choice but to piss all over the wall paper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin, toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat,

and the other hand to try and control our less than perfect aim. Now sometimes, when you are newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays up there. OK, so you start to pee, but that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes fliying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her... look, it won't bend. She said "so sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time. OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".

Well it's very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are

sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of your legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet. I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilema is to assume the

Fliying Superman position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split second precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee. So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control. It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature. Now, if it was Father Nature there wouldn't have been a problem..."

I hope you laughed as hard as I did

[IceFire 0]

OMG!!!!

I laughed my ass off at that!

I especially liked the "morning wood" part.

[USSoldier11B 0]

LOL!

That is so true that it is scary.

[FetishFool 0]

Absolutely hilarious.

Morning wood is actually a good thing for me. See, my girlfriend sometimes sleeps over at my place, and we use it in the morning.

It really helps when you need to get your day started, but hate coffee.

[FetishFool 0]

I was just in the washroom, and I know what that faulty penis story is about.

It's about un-circumsized guys. See, when you have foreskin, it re-directs the urine everywhere.

But if guys would just learn to pull the skin back, they'd be okay.

I'm un-circumsized, and I didn't even know that the skin pulled back until I was like 6 years old.

A lot of guys don't learn it until they're like 20. So they live with a white cream in their dick for 20 years.

Some guys that do know about the skin-pull-back tecnique don't even pull it back while batheing. Which means that they never wash the head.

[SFG 1]

LOL

[USSoldier11B 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">A lot of guys don't learn it until they're like 20. So they live with a white cream in their dick for 20 years.

<span id='postcolor'>

That's just disgusting.

[Tovarish 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (FetishFool @ May 14 2002,05:44)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">A lot of guys don't learn it until they're like 20.  So they live with a white cream in their dick for 20 years.

Some guys that do know about the skin-pull-back tecnique don't even pull it back while batheing.  Which means that they never wash the head.<span id='postcolor'>

Ain't no one coming near Pedro with a sharp object .

And yes, I do pull it back while bathing (and pissing)

[Tex -USMC- 0]

oh fuck! lmao

[Assault (CAN) 1]

LMAO Tovarish, that was a damn funny post.

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">So they live with a white cream in their dick for 20 years.

Some guys that do know about the skin-pull-back tecnique don't even pull it back while batheing. Which means that they never wash the head. <span id='postcolor'>

EWWWWWWWW, that's discusting! It's times like this, I'm glad I don't have a 'rumple-skin'

Tyler

[LauryThorn 0]

Isn't it true, that in Great Britain, some feminist group wanted

a law which forces men to sit down to pee?

They said that peeing while standing "humiliates" women.

[FetishFool 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (IceFire @ May 14 2002,22:33)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">h0w m0_och w0u1D y3u s311 y0R un-Cu7 P3n15 4?<span id='postcolor'>

I'd sell it for nothing less than $20 000 000.

Canadian dollars... Because I'm nice.

[Guest]

LMAO Tovarish

Really good one

[Tovarish 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (denoir @ May 14 2002,08:40)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">LMAO Tovarish    

Really good one <span id='postcolor'>

Yeah, can you believe some evil mod wanted to keep this from your eyes the first time I posted it way back when?

Fight the power!

[IceFire 0]

LOL!!! Fetish Fool!! That was the funniest thing I ever heard anyone say in public!!!! I was literally rolling on the floor laughing!!

I am talking about your second post here!!!!!

It's true though. My dad taught me to pull it back when I was a little kid.

While washing AND peeing.

I once went a whole year without doing that when I was like 10. Then a year later I checked out the situation down there, freaked me out. So I have been lathering my head up with ivory in the shower ever since!

You could literally eat off my head right after my showers, it's so clean.

[FetishFool 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (FetishFool @ May 15 2002,02:23)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE"></span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (IceFire @ May 14 2002,22:33)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">h0w m0_och w0u1D y3u s311 y0R un-Cu7 P3n15 4?<span id='postcolor'>

I'd sell it for nothing less than $20 000 000.

Canadian dollars...  Because I'm nice.<span id='postcolor'>

Ooops

I didn't know that it would say who I supposedly quoted from.

Sorry.

This thread needed a bump.

[IceFire 0]

What??? I didn't say that!!

What the hell is wrong with the forums??

[WKK Gimbal 0]

Holy shit this thread made me laugh!

every bit of it

[WKK Gimbal 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (FetishFool @ May 14 2002,08:23)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE"></span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (IceFire @ May 14 2002,22:33)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">h0w m0_och w0u1D y3u s311 y0R un-Cu7 P3n15 4?<span id='postcolor'>

I'd sell it for nothing less than $20 000 000.

Canadian dollars...  Because I'm nice.<span id='postcolor'>

I'm surprised by that answer.

What the hell would you do with $20.000.000 if you where dick-less? totally pointless life that would be. like having a Ferrari but no eyes to see where you drove.

[Sadico 1]

LMAO!! Where did u find that!!??

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">It's about un-circumsized guys. See, when you have foreskin, it re-directs the urine everywhere.<span id='postcolor'>

Hehehe, it's a lot better to be circumsized. A lot cleaner.

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">So they live with a white cream in their dick for 20 years.

Some guys that do know about the skin-pull-back tecnique don't even pull it back while batheing. Which means that they never wash the head. <span id='postcolor'>

That almost made me puke!!

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">What the hell would you do with $20.000.000 if you where dick-less? totally pointless life that would be. like having a Ferrari but no eyes to see where you drove. <span id='postcolor'>

That's true man. i would never sell my dick!

[Hardliner 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (WKK Gimbal @ May 14 2002,15:10)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">What the hell would you do with $20.000.000 if you where dick-less? totally pointless life that would be. like having a Ferrari but no eyes to see where you drove.  <span id='postcolor'>

Err my life is pointless even with a dick. Besides I have no use for dirty money. If I had that much money I'd give most of it to people who need it more than me, meaning sick people, reseach for cures, stuff like that. I wouldn't waste money on things I don't need while ill people are suffering and dying.

[nordin dk 0]

Damn Forum...it's broken.

We need to fix it:

[Hardliner 0]

0--></span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (Hardliner @ May 14 2002,180)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">If I had that much money I'd give most of it to people who need it more than me, meaning sick people, reseach for cures, stuff like that. I wouldn't waste money on things I don't need while ill people are suffering and dying.<span id='postcolor'>

I can't believe I said this. Its not me.

Or is it???

The eternal conflict within. The good side with caring, being friendly, giving, love... then theres the bad dark side.. hate, anger, deception, destruction...

[WKK Gimbal 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (Hardliner @ May 14 2002,19:13)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE"></span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (Hardliner @ May 14 2002,18<!--emo&)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">If I had that much money I'd give most of it to people who need it more than me, meaning sick people, reseach for cures, stuff like that. I wouldn't waste money on things I don't need while ill people are suffering and dying.<span id='postcolor'>

I can't believe I said this. Its not me.

Or is it???

The eternal conflict within. The good side with caring, being friendly, giving, love... then theres the bad dark side.. hate, anger, deception, destruction...<span id='postcolor'>

[Tovarish 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (WKK Gimbal @ May 14 2002,19:55)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE"><span id='postcolor'>

I never noticed that before, but that looks a lot like a happy face that got punched in the moth hard and it's fat lip is covering one of it's eyes.