Ex-RoNiN 0 Posted April 20, 2002 I think my brother's built upside down. His feet smell and his nose runs -------------------------- Doctor, doctor - I've got a motor attached to my genitals! How does it feel? It's driving me nuts --------------------------- I knew a girl who fell in love with 2 school bags. She said she was a bi-satchel --------------------------- A bloke walks into a pub with a roll of tarmac underneath his arm. "A pint of lager please barman and one for the road." -------------------------- What's pink and hard? A pig with a flick-knife. ----------------------------- What do you call a man with no arms, no legs and no body? Ed. ---------------------------------- A sandwich walks into a pub and says "pint of lager please mate". "Sorry we don't serve food". ------------------------------ Knock Knock. Who's there? The interupting sheep. The inter... Baaaaaa! ----------------------------- What did the O say ot the 8? "Nice belt". ------------------------------ How do you make your wife cry when you're having sex? Phone her up and tell her. ---------------------------- How do you make a cat go woof? Cover it in petrol then light it with a match -------------------------------- Scenario: A fighter jet, midday. Pilot 1: Enemy aircraft at 3 o'clock. Pilot 2: Good, that means we've got 3 hours to spare then. ----------------------------------- Why don't cows like West Yorkshire? Because they don't like having their 'Uddersfield. ---------------------------------- If a Blonde and a Brunette jumped off a tower, which one would splat first? The Brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions. ----------------------------------- Two soldiers were staggering about in the desert during the Gulf War, very hungry because despite having plenty of water they had neglected to bring any food with them. Eventually they decided to split up and for one of them to scout for edibles. So whilst one guarded their basecamp they other disappeared over a sand dune. Two hours later he returned with fat smeared all over his mouth and rubbing his belly contentedly. "We're in luck," he said, "there's a bacon tree over there." The other soldier excited by the news, headed over the dune and also disappeared for two hours. However, when he returned he was bleeding from several gunshot wounds. "You bloody idiot," he said, "that wasn't a bacon tree. It was a ambush." --------------------------------- There's these two fish in a tank and one of them turns to the other and says, "right, how do you start this thing?" --------------------------------- There was a tribe in Africa which was very fierce and warring...they would battle all the tribes in the area, and they always won. As a victory trophy, they would take the throne of the chief of the defeated tribe and carry it home, chanting victory chants and singing the whole way. When they got home, they would put the throne in the attic of the grass hut. This went on for quite some time, and soon the throne collection grew, adding to the prestige of the tribe. One day, they battled a tribe of farily large people, some might call them giants. They won, and they struggled to get the throne home...but the chanting and joyesness prevailed as usual. When they got home, they had the ritual of putting the throne in the attic of the grass hut, but the weight was too much. The ceiling collapsed, killing everyone in the tribe. The moral: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ralphwiggum 6 Posted April 20, 2002 yes.. you love placebo....so....when r u going to propose him? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
barret 0 Posted April 20, 2002 LoL, this is when Placebo NEED the Placebo lol Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nordin dk 0 Posted April 20, 2002 Can we post all of our bad jokes in this thread? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ralphwiggum 6 Posted April 20, 2002 ok, here's my bad joke. Why do pilots circle around LA International airport b4 they land? UCLA Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
IceFire 0 Posted April 20, 2002 I don't get the one about the man with no arms, the one about the soldiers looking for food, and the one about the fish in the tank. OOOOHH Wait, I think I get the fish one. It doesn't go like that. It goes like this : There's these two fish in a tank, one says to the other "You man the guns, I'll drive" The rest were funny though, LOL! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nordin dk 0 Posted April 20, 2002 The man without arms, legs, torso etc. was eaten/ed The soldiers looking for food: Not a bacontree but a (H)am-bush Your version of the fish/tank joke is probably right, although less silly. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Major Fubar 0 Posted April 21, 2002 </span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (nordin dk @ April 21 2002,00:03)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">The man without arms, legs, torso etc. was eaten/ed<span id='postcolor'> I think it's Ed (sounds like 'Head), he's just a head... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aculaud 0 Posted April 21, 2002 what do you call a one leged woman? Ilean. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nordin dk 0 Posted April 21, 2002 What do you call a chinese onelegged woman? Irene. _ What do you call a drowning man? Bob _ What do you call a gay dinosaur? Megasoreass. _ What do you call a guy with no arms or legs that lies on the floor? Matt _ What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall? Art _ What do you call a man with no legs? Neil. _ There are heaps and heaps of these... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
timmy 0 Posted April 21, 2002 what do you call a man with no arms or legs in a hole: phil what do you call a man with no arms or legs in the ocean bob what do you call a man with no arm or legs in a pile of leaves rustle Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nordin dk 0 Posted April 21, 2002 What do you call a woman stuck in a hole? Peg Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Die Alive 0 Posted April 21, 2002 I'd better not start telling jokes or I'd be here all day. (And would probably offend someone ) -=Die Alive=- Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
KingBeast 0 Posted April 22, 2002 Ah well following the general theme of this thread: What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff. What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nordin dk 0 Posted April 22, 2002 The "what do you call..." type joke is excellent for baffling your fellow man. Make up a nonsense one, tell it to a friend or colleague and see what happens. What do you call a guy with a spoon? Rod Muahahahaaaaaa Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
IceFire 0 Posted April 23, 2002 I don't get that spoon one. Rod?? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
KingBeast 0 Posted April 23, 2002 Icefire, read nordin dk's post thouroughly and then you will udnerstand. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Die Alive 0 Posted April 24, 2002 During an Army war game a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud.  The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck. "Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way." The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction." A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc.  "Why all the attention ?" the friend asked.  "You look fine to me." "I know !" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches." A gentleman had been trying for years to meet the Pope. Finally, his wish was granted.  When the gentleman approached the Pope he said, "Your Eminence, I am so happy to be given this chance to speak with you and I would like to tell you a joke before I start." The Pope replied, "Of course my son.  Go ahead and tell your joke." The gentleman continued, "There were these two Pollacks and..." The Pope interrupted, "My son, do you realise that I am Polish?" "I'm sorry, your Eminence, I'll speak slower . . ." A young girl asks her mother why fairy tails start with "Once upon a time" "they don't always start like that" he mother said "Your father's starts with 'The bloody train was late again tonight' " A drunk is standing, pissing into a fountain in the middle of town, so a cop  comes up to him and says "Stop that and put it away!"  The drunk  shoves his dick into his pants and does up his zip.  As the cop turns to go, the drunk starts laughing.  "Okay, what's so funny?" asks the cop.  "Fooled you." says the drunk "I put it away, but I didn't stop." A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.  The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" The man says, "Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make 'em doubles."  The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served.  Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doin' all this drinking. "You'd drink 'em this fast too if you had what I have." The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?" The man quickly replies, "I only have a dollar." Two prostitutes were talking about being arrested by the police, while waiting for some business "So, you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" asked the first "No," replied the second "but i've been grabbed by the tits a few times" A tourist approached a prostitute in the back streets of Soho in London "How much?" he asked "It'll cost ya twenty quid" replied the tart "American Express?" he inquired "You can go as fast as you like" she said A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to re-varnish the toilet seat (which was made of wood). The wife comes home sooner than expected, needs to use the toilet, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go. When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed." This 8 year old little boy saddles up to the bar. "Hey, sweetie," he says to the well endowed waitress, "how about a Scotch on the rocks?" She says, "Uh huh. Are you trying to get me in trouble?" "Maybe later, honey - but now I could really use that drink." Little  Johnny was in school one day when the teacher brought  around cookies for snack time. "Here, Little Johnny, have a cookie." "I don't fucking want one," declared Johnny. The  teacher was shocked.  She called  Little  Johnny's  mother  and scheduled  her to come in for a meeting the next  day.  When  Little Johnny's mother arrived,  the teacher had her hide behind the curtain until  snack time came around.  As she came to  Little  Johnny,  she again told him, "Here Little Johnny. It's time for your cookie." "I don't fucking want one," stated Little Johnny again. The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother, "See?  Did you hear what he said?" "So?" said his mother, "Don't fucking give him one!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
