Funny airline conversations...

[Wobble 1]

A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another taxi-ing plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

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Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

------------------------------------------------------------While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

The irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it right!"

Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

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The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty-do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide spacing between aircraft.

The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?"

Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars' worth."

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A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high.

San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

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O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...................I've got that Fokker in sight."

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Top Twenty Actual Transmissions Made in the O'Hare TRACON

(Compiled by John Carr for NATCA)

20. "Expect lower at the end of this transmission."

19. "Citation 123, if you quit calling me center, I'll quit calling you twin Cessna."

18. "About three miles ahead you've got traffic 12 o'clock, five miles."

17. "If you hear me, traffic no longer a factor."

16. "You got him on TCAS? Great. When you're seven in trail, resume normal speed and call Chicago Center on 120.12."

15. "I am way too busy for anybody to cancel on me."

14. "You got any more smart remarks, we can be doing this over South Bend.... go ahead."

13. "You're going to have to key the mike. I can't see you when you nod your head."

12. "It's too late for Louisville. We're going back to O'Hare."

11. "Put your compass on 'E' and get out of my airspace."

10. "Don't anybody maintain anything."

9. "Caution wake turbulence, you're following a heavy 12 o'clock, three ... no, let's make it five miles."

8. "Climb like your life depends on it, because it does."

7. "If you want more room, Captain, push your seat back."

6. "For radar identification, throw your jumpseat rider out the window."

5. "Air Force One, I told you to expedite."

4. "Listen up, gentlemen, or something's gonna happen that none of us wants to see. Besides that, you're (tickin' me off!"

3. "Leave five on the glide, have a nice ride, tower inside, twenty-six nine.... see ya!"

2. "Japan Air Ten Heavy, how 'bout a radio check?" (Response: "Rogah, switching!")

And (drum roll) the Number One interesting transmission heard in O'Hare TRACON:

1. "Turn in and take over ... you know the rest."

[Damage Inc 0]

LOL.

[Placebo 28]

LOL indeed

[Tovarish 0]

Guess who?

The pilot of a small freight/mail plane was getting a little complacent in his phraseology, probably because of the rather dull routine of his late-night run. Every weekday at 0215 he would stop at a small airport and check in with: "Good morning Jones field, guess who?"

The lone controller was bored too, but insisted on proper terminology and would lecture the pilot on proper radio technique every morning. The lessons fell on deaf ears and the pilot continued his daily "guess who?" callups.

That is, until the morning the radio crackled: "Jones Field, guess who?" The controller, well prepared, turned off all the lights on the airport and responded "Jones Field, guess WHERE!" establishing proper communications from then on.

Swiss Interceptors

True Story. During joint exercise in Germany an USAF and German F-4 are practicing low-level in Southern Germany near the Swiss Border. As they approach the border they hear a call on Guard "Unidentified aircraft nearing Swiss border, identify yourself". Both pilots maintain radio silence and do not answer. The Swiss repeat the transmission twice without success. The next transmission reads: "Unidentified aircraft, identify yourself or we will send our interceptors". Afte r which the German pilot replies: "Will you send one or both of them"

Get Gun! Guard plane! Very, very secret!

Back in the 1960s, the Taiwanese Air Force was receiving the supersecret U-2 to overfly China and do some strategic recce.

Taiwanese pilots were sent to the Groom Dry Lake Test Facility to check out in the U-2. On one such training sortie, the flight plan for this Taiwanese pilot held that he'd fly at mission altitude, some 75.000 feet and turn back towards Area 51 as soon as he had hit Florida.

As luck would have it, the inexperienced pilot got himself into a "widowmakers corner", where a loss of 5 knots in the turn caused his U-2 to flame out. Skilled enough to glide the U-2, he flew unpowered from Florida until he spotted a small airstrip beside a cornfield in Kansas.

Putting the jet down, he jumps out as soon as he rolls to a stop. The Taiwanese pilot, in his space suit, runs toward the "control shack" of this rural little airport.

Finding two dumbstruck cropdusters inside, the Taiwanese pilot exclaims in choppy English "Get Gun! Guard plane! Very very secret!" And the cropdusters ran away.

Mooo

According to Reuters, the dazed crew of a Japanese trawler was plucked out of the Sea of Japan earlier this year clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship. Their rescue was followed by immediate imprisonment once authorities questioned the sailors on their ship's loss. To a man they claimed that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships, shattering its hull and sinking the vessel within minutes. They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian airfield, forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily taken off for home. Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a frightened cow rampaging within the hold. To save the aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.

Russian humor

When I was working at CFB North Bay, Ontario (home of air defence command and 22nd NORAD Region HQ) I frequently saw pictures of the Bear aircraft that were checking our air defence measures on their way to Cuba from Russian. Usually the RCAF would scramble two CF-101 Voodoo interceptors to check on the Bear; one would assume the position behind the Bear and the other would fly along side taking pictures. Very often, there would be a couple of Russian crewmen in the big round blister near the rear of the aircraft with their cameras taking pictures of our guys taking their pictures. One picture that turned out, was a Russian airman holding up the center fold of the current edition of Playboy. This one was so current,that not even North Bay had their copies, and the Russian was grinning from ear to ear. Just goes to show you that they had a sense of humor.

[Damage Inc 0]

LMAO they were hit by a cow

[DaCrytter 0]

LMAO!!!! More! MORE!!!

[Thehamster 0]

LMAO,gives you some doubts on how trustworthy pilots are

[Deus Ex 0]

HAHAHAHAAAA..

[Tovarish 0]

Damn Fokkers!

A reporter was interviewing an old Scandinavian fighter pilot, asking him how it was in the war.

"Vell," said the old guy, "vee used to fly up dere and dogfight dem Krauts. Ya, vee used to shoot dem German fokkers outta da sky."

"For the benefit of our viewers," interrupted the reporter, "we should explain that the term 'fokker' refers to a specific type of German fighter plane."

"Vell ya," said the old Scandianvian pilot, "but those fokkers were Messerschmitt's."

Hot-Shot Pilot

A young guy in an F-14 fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot." The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.

Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"

"I just shut down two engines, kid."

May Day

This was overheard on the RAF Woodvale Approach frequency last summer, when a student was doing practice emergencies...

Student: MAYDAY, MAYDAY, MAYDAY, Uniform Alpha 2 Uh.. *Silence* Sorry... Practice Pan, Practice Pan, Practice Pan....

C-130 : "Fox-2! Fox-2!"

"There I was" at C-130 Combat Air Tactics School where they teached us to go low & slow and stay alive. One day we were pitted against F-16s from Arkansas.

Once we were in the air, one of the Vipers got the jump on us, he slowed down to make the kill. We outturned him at that slow speed (Luck? Skill?) and put him at our 12. As he turned away from us to go get some smash for another run, our AC couldnt resist squawking out "Fox-2! Fox-2!"

I'd like to quote what the Viper pilot said through the heavy breathing and grunts of his high-g turn but all we could make out was some word that started with an "F" and "you"!

[Joe Porta 0]

The Interview

Note: This is an exact replication of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

Interviewer: " So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"

General Reinwald: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."

Interviewer: "Shooting! that's a bit irresponsible isn't it?"

General Reinwald: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."

Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

General Reinwald: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm."

Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

General Reinwald: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

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Unexpected Reply

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.

Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."

Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."

The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."

Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."

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Lucky!

Years ago, I was sitting behind an American Airlines 727 that was at the hold short at Love Field in Dallas...like I said, a LONG time ago...waiting for another airliner to land. It, too, was a 727, and he hit on the right main first, went airborne, then tagged the left main, and finally got it straightened up and settled down on both mains well down the runway. Someone keyed the mike in the AA 727 and we all heard...

"GEE! You guys over at Braniff are really lucky, they won't let us have the flight attendants drive here at American."

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Coming in!

This was related by a friend who used to work in Air Traffic Control during the 60's.

There was a large queue to land at a certain RAF station when an Anerican voice with a heavy southern drawl called in "This is A12345 , request permision to land".

ATC "A12345, Please go around and wait your turn."

A12345 "I'm a C66 in from Stateside."

ATC "A12345, I say again, please go around and wait your turn."

A12345 "I'm in from Stateside with 66 tons of C66 strapped to my ass, and I'm coming in!"

There was a deathly hush from ATC.

The C66 landed ahead of the queue.

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Stealth

Two drunk fighter pilots are flying in formation.

Leader to W1: "Can you see me?"

W1 to Leader: "No.""Can you see ME?"

Leader to W1: "No."

W1 to Leader: "Cool, now we are stealth fighters

[Tex -USMC- 0]

Speedbird(British Airways) : Request taxi to parking

Munich Ground: Are you familiar with the airport

Speedbird: Yes I was here back in 1944 but only to drop something off

[Frizbee 0]

16. "You got him on TCAS? Great. When you're seven in trail, resume normal speed and call Chicago Center on 120.12."

What exactly is wrong with that communication?

[Hasha 2]

MY GOD!! OF forums is the best forums in the WORLD GUYS! I always have a good laugh whenever I read it. I come here EVERY SINGLE day and there is always something new and funny! This thread is very humourous, espcially the Fokker and the Munich Airport conversation above! Keep this thread flowing guys, without you pple, I will never know so many great stories around the world! Dun you guys think, we should ask BIS to set up a chat room too!

[the nothing 0]

Hmmmm... that don't seem like a bad idea.

[RedRogue 0]

Here are some more:

http://aircargo_tracking.tripod.com/jokes2.html

[Sandman 0]

Hehe, funny stories...more, more....