An Essay. Proofread Request.

[BLSmith2112 0]

Usually I don't do this sort of thing but my brother had a baby over the weekend and I haven't slept in 50+ hours. I haven't attended my college classes all week because of this (I've been 3 states away) and I'm only now just starting to catch up (I'm back home now).

We had this essay that we were to supposed to write as if we were presenting to an audience that has never read anything I am about to talk about. The essay is simply: Making connections between two different types of essays. We we're allowed to use any personal quotes/opinions/experiences we deemed as 'usable', as such, I wrote this essay. Now, with hopes of getting simply under 5-6 hours of sleep tonight for college tomarrow, I ask that at least one person simply read over this essay and make any suggestions/comments you see fit.

I am not asking anyone to do anything specific for me, I don't want this thread deemed as 'cheating' or a stupid 'homework thread'. I will make the corrections myself if nessessary. I will try and fix the weak points in my paper before class tomarrow. Anyways, without further delay. My Paper:

Quote[/b] ]

---------Putting the essays of John Berger’s “Ways of Seeing†and Alice Walker’s “In Search of Our Mothers’ Gardens†side by side we see that they both have interesting points on how people in a society decide to preserve their history.

---------In Walker’s essay, she talks about how black women in the days of slavery had to discover new ways to preserve their past. Without being allowed to write or even read, black women had to come up with their own way of preserving their history. Many of which, remembered their history in ways of song. If you listen to the voices of Bessie Smith, Billie Holiday, Nina Simone, Roberta Flack, and Aretha Franklin, you will know their stories. Although, most did not have this gift of song, “It is not so much what you sang, as that you kept alive, in so many of our ancestors.†(Walker 680) It was the very words in what they sang that helped them remember, not the way they sang it. However, some did not have the gift of song, and over the course of time had to devise their own way of preserving the history of their grandmothers.

---------Berger talks about preserving history in terms of art and freedom of speech. A long time ago, art came from the soul and only for the artists own gratification. However, through the testament of time, financial opportunities arose and art slowly became a way to make a living. Not only was selling their artwork a way of “selling their soulâ€, but the actual piece of work itself was a way to influence the public appeal on a royal figure if paid to create a self-portrait of one of them. “In the end, the art of the past in being mystified because a privileged minority is striving to invent a history which can retrospectively justify the role of the ruling classes, and such a justification can no longer make sense in modern terms.†(Berger 136) An example would be a king or someone in the hierarchal statute of society having their picture displayed in every household under the territory they control.

---------So how are these two topics intertwined through the course of time? How people choose to preserve their past, ether by means of expressing themselves through art, putting their thoughts into songs to sing about, or to pass down a tradition from mother to daughter, are all in the same. Time, however is not the same. Art has become a tool used for financial gain and the ways to preserve their family’s history have diminished almost to the point of having no way to preserve it.

---------Some people however, try and break this trend by going out and “tipping the balance†between the ideals of yesterday and today. An example would be that of graffiti, this type of art allows certain groups of people to express themselves in a way they would like to be expressed, however; Today’s society sees this as bigotry and condemns it. It is difficult to see how preserving family history has changed throughout the course of time, however if your family has no traditions or any talent, you are soon forgotten. This is why I think that Walker and Berger are trying to warn us that the preservation of our history is at stake.

Thanks for reading this stupid essay, your time, and putting up with my 4th grade writing habbits. I've never been a good writer.

[Placebo 29]

OT is probably not the ideal place but I'm a sucker for a good sob story, and especially good family man, congrats on your niece/nephew

Spellcheck in British English kicks up nothing problematic.

Corrections:

"public appeal on a royal figure"

Should be "of a royal figure"?

“In the end, the art of the past in being mystified"

It's a quote so you know best but "is being mystified" makes more sense to me?

"ether by means of expressing"

Should be "either"

[da12thMonkey 1943]

Quote[/b] ]In Walker’s essay, she talks about how black women in the days of slavery had to discover new ways to preserve their past. Without being allowed to write or even read, black women had to come up with their own way of preserving their history.

I myself would have simplified this a bit by saying

Quote[/b] ]Walker's essay discusses how black women had to discover new ways to preserve their past, during the days of slavery. When slaves were prohibited from reading and writing.

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Quote[/b] ]Many of which, remembered their history in ways song.

go for

Quote[/b] ]Many of whom, remembered their history by way of song.

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Quote[/b] ]It was the very words in what they sang that helped them...

Quote[/b] ]It was the very words of what they sang that helped them...

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Quote[/b] ]However, through the testament of time, financial opportunities arose and art slowly became a way to make a living. Not only was selling their artwork a way of “selling their soulâ€, but the actual piece of work itself was a way to influence the public appeal on a royal figure if paid to create a self-portrait of one of them.

The first sentence should read something like

Quote[/b] ]However, through the testament of time, financial opportunities arose and art slowly became a way for artists to make a living.

To qualify the use of 'their' in the second sentence. Otherwise there isn't an indication of who 'they' are.

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hierarchal -> hierarchical

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Quote[/b] ]How people choose to preserve their past, ether by means of expressing themselves through art, putting their thoughts into songs to sing about, or to pass down a tradition from mother to daughter, are all in the same

I'd remove "to sing about" and change the last bit to "are one and the same." or just remove the "in".

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Quote[/b] ]Art has become a tool used for financial gain and the ways to preserve their family’s history have diminished almost to the point of having no way to preserve it.

change to

Quote[/b] ]Art has become a tool used for financial gain. Its use as a way to preserve a family’s history has diminished.

Then maybe qualify the statement by putting an example of how limited it has become such as mentioning family photos, home video (possibly discuss the merits of these mediums as art) etc. Only if you think it's relevant within the context of the essay though.

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Congrats on the Nephew mate. And good luck with your studies.

[BLSmith2112 0]

Thank you guys so much. I spent about another hour revising my essay as per your suggestions. Once I scrolled down and saw placebo, I was scared to think that the thread was already locked. HA! Thanks place, you da' man!

Thanks death and placebo for opening my eyes on some of the weaker points in this essay.

PS: For future reference, does anyone suggest a forum where a post like this would be more 'appropriate'? You guys have been amazingly helpful, and this was the first time I ever posted a thread like this and it has proved quite useful. If I ever had trouble with another essay down the road, I do not want to put a thread in the BIS OT forum since it is not the ideal place for it.

Thanks again guys.

[blackdog~ 0]

In the first line;

Putting the essays of John Berger’s “Ways of Seeing†and Alice Walker’s “In Search of Our Mothers’ Gardens†side by side we see that they both have interesting points on how people in a society decide to preserve their history.

I would personally switch it around to say:

Putting the essays of Alice Walker’s “In Search of Our Mothers’ Gardens†and John Berger’s “Ways of Seeing†side by side we see that they both have interesting points on how people in a society decide to preserve their history.

Because this is the order you discuss them in

[CameronMcDonald 146]

Noticed one small error.

"Today" in "Today's society" should not be capitalised, seeing as it only follows a semicolon.

However otherwise your work is very readable, I was about to crucify you for using a question and speaking in first person when I realised this piece is meant to be for a presentation. Nice job.

[Supah 0]

If someone else paints a portrait of you it is not a self portrait as you say in the case of the royal figure but merely a portrait

[BLSmith2112 0]

Alrighty. Well thanks everyone. After another hour of revision I finished it. Thanks everyone.

Now one last question: Since this thread really doesn't have a place on BIS Forums, does anyone know of a forum where it would be more 'appropriate/tolerable' to post perhaps in an off-topic area? Because hearing everyone's suggestions is really a nice additive towards correcting one's own paper. Especially when your someone like me who's quite the anti-social & knows almost no one personally who would look over things like this for me.

Has anyone a suggestion towards a very active forum where a proofread request would be 'okay'? Thanks again all.

[crashdome 3]

Does your school not have anything?

Mine, for example, has a peer tutoring center where all the literary majors like to hang out and critique everyones work - even if it is business writing or a "math" paper. Despite how bad that sounds they are actually very helpful.

[BLSmith2112 0]

The only problem with my school is: The "tutoring center" is a scheduled class that you must attend 5 days a week. This "tutoring center" is not strictly on English nore is it strictly a 1 on 1 with someone else helping you. Personally, I do not have the time to have another scheduled class in my day. I work a full time job, and go to school full-time + some extra classes for more credit. I'm swamped, and if someone could be reading over a paper to try and help me, it would really help me better myself in terms of what my weak points in writing are.

So if anyone knows of an "off-topic"/somewhat popular forum with many active members. I'd really appreciate it.