Military Humor

[Darkhawk 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (L24A @ Feb. 12 2002,22:44)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">To prevent this thread going off-topic, here another good story.

Title: Thank god, it still works

When we went on exercise abroad we were regularly training with foreign forces. One thing we always tried to do was swap our rations for foreign ones. The dutch rations are probably the most disgusting ones on this planet (except for the finnish "canned loof" and the isreali tinned cow-organs perhaps). So when we met some foreign units we tried to swap their rations for ours. This ofcourse only worked when the guys in the foreign unit never had dutch rations before, otherwise you were outta luck.

So one day my unit was training in France together with french artillery. So, maybe you don't know, but the french rations are excellent. They actually try to convert the french cuisine into a little ration, and honestly they do a pretty damn well job on that. They have meals like Duck l'orange, cannoli or lentilles avec sausages (forgive me my french spelling) in their rations. So for this exercise I had a new conscript attached to me which I had to learn some basic artillery skills. So I said to him, most important thing to do on a exercise abroad is try to swap your rations. As the guy already knew the dutch rations from the initial army training he had, he quickly agreed with me.

So we went to some french guys and asked if they were interested in swapping some french rations for dutch ones. As they probably never tasted dutch rations, they were eager to swap a couple. So that evening my unit had a pretty good meal.

Next day was a rest day so I thought lets socialise a little with those french guys, as they had a pretty nice stock of stella artois and our stock of heineken was already exhausted after the 3rd day in the field. So I took the new guy with me and told him we were going to socialise with some french soldiers.

So after a while we met the same guys with whom we swapped our rations last evening, they invited us for a beer and of course we couldn't refuse.

So in their unit tent we had a nice conversation on army life sipping on a can of stella. Then the new guy asked a french guy why they were so eager to swap their rations with our dutch ones. The french soldier clearly noted that my student was a very green soldier and must have thought to pull his leg a little. So he said to the guy: Listen, there is something you don't know about french rations. Besides that they are pretty good, they also add camphor to the food to keep your dick down in the field and prevent you from jumping your mate. He also said the one ration contained enough camphor to keep your dick down for some 4 days.

My student looked at the french soldier in awe and with big round eyes he said to him. You must be joking, right? The french soldier said, Nope, why would we otherwise swap our superior rations with your dutch cow-food. My student stood up and walked to his own tent in the dutch compound. Meanwhile the french soldier and I were laughing our butts off. But, you never believe this. After 10 minutes my student returns to the tent and said to the french soldier, you were lying, I've checked it

I think I was laughing for another hour after that remark.<span id='postcolor'>

L24A have you ever tried Canadian rations

[madmike 0]

I had 2 MRE rations last week, god they are crap.

The 1st one I poured too much water in because we wernt allowed to use light becuase they were worried it would give away our position(even though we saw them do a RECCE of the area as we set up our bashas) and it was way too cold.

The second one got fairly warm but still tasted horrible.

They might have been past their use by date, Ive had them since 96 but I didnt know how long they last

[KingBeast 0]

lol i had some 24hr ration packs, all of them out of date by about 3 or 4 years!

Stil late them though, except for the tinned meat. That tinned meat is realyl disgusting, looks just like dog food and smells worse.

[madmike 0]

24hr rat packs are quite nice though, only problem is that it all needs water so if you run out of water you cant eat

I was low on water and tried the currry which ws horibble due to being a bit to powdery

[DarkLight 0]

Well...... this isn't really militairy stupidity but it's a nice store anyway. The story is about my grandpa (dunno if that's written right ), during WWII my grandpa was in the resistance, he did some very dangerous things in those days. One of that things was to smuggle parts of guns. One day he carried parts of a pistol over whole his body, he was sitting on the train acting as normal as possible. After a while the train stopped and German soldiers came into the train checking everybody's clothes to see if they had any stuff with them that wasn't allowed. When they inspected my grandpa they felt a hard thing inside his coat, this was a part of the pistol. Without checking what it was the soldiers asked what was in his pocket. My grandpa said that he was carrying a piece of bread (he told me that during WWII they had bread that was extremely hard, i think it also was black but i'm not sure about that). The German soldiers looked a bit suspicious but they didn't control him! He told me that if they would've checked him better and found the gunparts, he'd be executed on the spot. Yeah.... my grandpa is a lucky bastard, he now is 79 years old, alive and kickin' !!!

PS: You could say that it's militairy stupidity cuz those Germans were pretty stupid if you ask me

[scout 0]

how i lost one of my lives:

after couple of weeks of basic training the rookies are out to master the art of throwing a granade.

after couple of hours of training with duds my sarge came and said "the guys are ready as they can be but for f*ucks sake, watch your ass"

i should've paid more attention

anyway, my sarge was in a prep station where he hands the guys a live frag and a dud.

first i was nervous ( u cant imagine what stupid things rookies do) but i got the hang of it soon and started enjoying the stuff.

that when i got slapped.

a guy approached me.

i made sure he remembers how to throw the granade and not piss in his pants instead.

"are u ready?"

"yessir"

"take out your dud first" *pause* "no, not the live one, the DUD!"

*pause*

"u see the target there?"

"yessir"

"throw the dud at it"

and off it went. he did pretty well, so i relaxed. a bit and said:

"are u ready for the live?"

"yessir"

"ok go ahead, throw it at the target, remember top handle the granade out of the sheleter ok?"

"yessir"

"go ahead"

the guy started to shake like a leaf that minute so i thought to cancle the whole thing, but then i noticed that he was operating the granade IN the shelter and that the pin was OUT.

"get your hand outa the shelter ok?"

and he threw it. i mean, he meant to but somehow it slipped between MY legs.

CR*P!

i caught the guy and hurled both of us outside the shelter.

waiting for the blast i heard:

"sir, should i throw it again?"

i looked puzzled at the guy and saw him hold the grande in his hand............

he picked it up just as i hurled us outside........

luckily it was a dud.........

i lost another life....

[Eza 0]

jeezuz that guy was stupid........

[scout 0]

here's another one:

my cousin was an HAPC driver.

in one EX. he was driving his squad to their objective and while driving downhill he entered a huge column of smoke,

as he exits the smoke he sees, not 100 meters away the jeep of the regiment commander in front of him.

now he was going down hill at 90 kph so u cant stop or turn cause ull flip. all he could do is honk the horn and hope for the best.

the regiment commander looked at them and his face went "what the f.....?"

and off they went the jeep fled and the APC chased him.

and just as my cousin regained control, the jeep hust flipped upside-down.

the HAPC stopped a mere 5 meters from the jeep.

the regiment commander lost one of HIS lives.

[scout 0]

here is another one:

i was in a live battalion EX. as a recon instructor,

while minding my own buisness i saw 3 tanks taking position 50 meters near me.

then i saw a jeep coming behind one of them and park, RIGHT behind it.

"dumbass" i thought.

then 2 guys got outa the jeep and advanced to the front of the tank and threw a yellow granade (NBC attack) near the tank.

the tank did whats he needs to: back down the hill and rig the tank.

he did just that.........on the jeep.

when he finally understood that somethings wrong, the jeep had turned to 30 cm high pile of rubble.

one of the guys went back to retrieve his M-16, or at least it was until it got some funny shape

[Guest]

The recent questions about officers in another thread reminded me of a dialog between one of the guys in our platoon (a private) and our lieutenant:

l: You are relieved.

p: Yes captain!

l: No - thank you for the promotion but I am a lieutenant.

p: Yes captain!

l: Nooo - Say Lieutenant five times!

p: Lieutenant, Lieutenant, Lieutenant, Lieutenant, Lieutenant.

l: Was that really five times?

p: Yes captain!

[scout 0]

LMAO..............    

thats a good one.

here is another story about how i lost another life.

a mortar training.

the guys are starting to train for the first time in using different weapons.

after i finished a class about a LMG i walked to where my Sgt.-Mjr was stationed, and , as usual he gave me a totured look:

"why, do i always end up with all the screw-ups?"

i grinned and shaked my head with sympathy.

" hey man, thats why we keep sending 'em to you"

the man sighed and said:

"oh well, u wanna come to see them kill themselves?"

"sure"

(at this stage i must say that this man is a goddamn prophet)

well, off we went to a hill nearby with 3 mortar teams.

they would shoot some smoke, lumin, and HE

any way the first team came forward

after checking and re-checking my Sgt. gave permission to fire.

so no.2 shouted:

"target, 250 m. 12 o'clock, HE!"

no.2 slids the shell into the tube

no.2:

"fire when ready!"

so no.1 streches his hend to the firing dial, and while pulling it he.....land on his but and the shell fires STRAIGHT UP!

after fraction of a second i and my sarge grab the two shocked troops and fly into a ditch, only to have ourselves cover with the most devilish thorns.

a second afterwards the shell explodes 5 meters from us and showers us with dirt.

so i say:

"man, i thought u said they only try to commit suicide not to kill us in the process"

so he answers:

"well, till now they only had bullets, now u give em mortars."

boy, these troops got "personal" care from my sarge that night but i got smirked at for couple of months.

[scout 0]

they just keep popping up!

any way, one night i was training a squad of mine,on the art of night fighting and finally considered to throw some CS on them as a "good night" present.

any way, as i was giving the warning of Chem attack, i spotted on my NVG a camoflaged position not 80 meters away.

naturally i thought that it was other squad of mine, and i intended to kick their ass for this sorry form of a cam. position.

so i called my sarge. maj. and told him to come with me and that we're gonna throw some CS on them to stir them up a bit.

so, while the other squad, with their faces showing clearly relief, started digging foxholes, me and my sarge started crawling all the way.

after some very long time, we finally reached the position and we threw on them 3 CS granades.

as expected we saw figures jump out (pretty quickly i must say), and heard the usual coughing spitting and retching, and cursing altought the curses were in hebrew......but in english:

"who of you pulled this prank? goddamn it"

"hey sarge, if we would do it would we stay here?"

"goddman! i swear ill rip the heart of the guy who done that"

and so on........

by then i was on the floor twisting and trying notto burst in laughter al the while my sarge was doin the same not 3 m. away.

finally i couldnt stand it and just started roaring with laughter.

they obviously heard:

"hey u SOB come here, u $#^#$^#! u!#%$^#&^ i'll %^$%& you!"

so we approached them and recognized us.

after exchanging some words i apologized and saidi didnt know they were in the area and thought it wasone of my squads.

so the US sarge says:"now i want u to give us a new camo-net. this one stinks with CS"

"okay, but how about adding two MRE's with it?"

the end of it he got himself a net, anyway it used to be a net sometime..........

[Guest]

LOL, nothing beats keeping up good international relations

[scout 0]

ok here is another one:

as a recon instructor i had the un-enviable to be the safety officer of recon companies in regiment's EX's.

now, to watch a recon company is like to watch over 100 2 year old babies loose in Hyde park, while playing with druggies needles.

anyway, here i was, stressing the men "not to cross that line ok? south of this line there is a full tank battalion training with the aid of artillery. OK? DON'T CROSS IT!"

the reservists, like always, looked at me with a fond expression and off they went.

after two days of EX. i get a call over the radio that "5B has a minor problem" and "could u come please"

well, after half an hour drive i come to these folks and i park near their jeep. well, after a close look i see that it has way too much HOLES in it then it should be.

"what happened?"

"we ran out of fuel"

"NO, not this, how' all the holes came to be?"

"oh, THAT? never mind that, dont u worry!" the sarge there said, clapping on my back

"what did u do?" i demanded

"well, I KNOW u said that we shouldnt cross the line, but it was such a GOOD position, so we decided to go there"

"you did WHAT??"

"well, soon afterwards they started shelling the hill, so we had to take a hike, apperantly we got hit by some frags and our fuel tank got punctured" he said, smiling broadly

"apperantly, this goddamn jeep is better to use for pasta then driving! when did this happened?"

"oh, 8 hours ago..."

"WHY THE HELL DIDNT U TELL ME?"

"oh, we didnt wanted to worry you............"

[DarkLight 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (denoir @ April 08 2002,02:12)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">The recent questions about officers in another thread reminded me of  a dialog between one of the guys in our platoon (a private) and our lieutenant:

l: You are relieved.

p: Yes captain!

l: No -  thank you for the promotion but I am a lieutenant.

p: Yes captain!

l: Nooo - Say Lieutenant five times!

p: Lieutenant, Lieutenant, Lieutenant, Lieutenant, Lieutenant.

l: Was that really five times?

p: Yes captain!<span id='postcolor'>

Ummm i'm not trying to spoil the fun buuuuuuut.... what's the funny part?

[scout 0]

not so funny fuck-ups:

WWI-

hmmmm... u could almost include every battle.

WWII-

anzio

the battle of the bulge

the attack on holland/belgium

almost every landing Nimitz made in the Pacific.

the battle of stalingrad

its said: where Generals are doin their job properly, Lts. dont get any medals!

[Epita 0]

Milatary Stupidity, only one thing to say about that in the British army, The CCF or Combined Cadet Force. It lets people from private schools mess about as soldiers, pilots and navel crew. Only thing is there crap, so when I was on Sailsbury Plane Training area, we met some of these and they were neatly run sown by some AS90 that were fireing. Nearly killedthemselves. Point to note

Dont Let kids go near and Armed Force on Training.

I was by the road near to them which is how i saw. Why? Even Air Core have to train as soldiers once in a while

[Scorpio 0]

..

[scout 0]

here one from squad leaders course:

i was a machine-gunner and in the battalion Ex. they told me i'll be in the battalion weapons element.

so they told us they're assembling 3 gympies as one element.

boy that was enough warning, but i just didnt heed.

and so happy that i was gonna shoot alot and move a little, i gathered about 1500 rounds for myself and another 1300 for no.2.

and in the briefing the bitter truth unfolded: were gonna OPEN the objectives for the whole battalion, which means, lotsa humping little shooting, all this with 50 Kg on my poor back.

and it got worse, the recon squad got lost and instead of walking 8 Km i walked 15, i almost got run over by a tank etc.

any way, in the morning i decided that i wont leave my first position until i'll shoot off atleast 500 rounds.

and so, i went off firing madly. i've ended almost 700 rounds when a very happy squad leader approached me with hands full of ammo: "you are doin such a great job! here, i gathered for you another 500 rds. so u could carry on"

NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[jawk2 1]

just one short story (my english is a bit worn i guess)..

i served in the french paratrooper...

When i was doing my paradrop for my wings(?), there was an old pilot that enjoy his job. Before the Landing zone he always said that phrase "Hello my ducks, another jump to the duck-lake".

At the 7 and last drop for the wing we decided to do smthg to enjoy this.... just when he said that phrase we begin to shake our hand, barking "coin coin coin coin" (32 paratrooper that make noise even with the C130's motor) and runs for the door like this.

The man in duty to watch the drop (dunno the english term), laugh alot and open the internal radio.... when i was doing my inflight check after my parachute open i just see the plane that have a strange behaviour.... like it cannot have a right course.

After the pilot passed to our barracks to thank us, becse he laughed so much that he and his copilot that he must have do 4 pass to land at the airport (i imagine the radio tower..." why could u land retake altitude... and stop laughing at me... and stop calling me duck")

Rem: This time the LZ it was so rainy that i dropped in water... got water up to the middle of the corpse (and no i didnt roll this time), one friend wasnt lucky becse he dropped just after a little river and the wind carried him into (head first with his helmet)....

Really french paratroopers arent ducks

[Oligo 1]

When I was serving in the military, we had a lot of time on our hands with nothing to do during field exercises. I used to fill that time by making wooden sculptures with my knife. One time I carved a life-size sculpture of a dick, you know, a johnson. But instead of throwing it away like I usually did, I hung this wooden dick from my combat webbing by a piece of cord. I guess I wanted to know how long it was allowed to be there by the officers, being the little troublemaker I am.

For some reason, nobody for a long time said anything, even in inspections. I suspect that they just never noticed the thing. But one time during an exercise, we were lined up for a general to inspect.

He walked along the ranks, but when he walked past me, he stopped and stared at me. "What the hell is that thing hanging in your combat webbing", he asked. It was really hard, but I managed to keep a perfectly soldierly face and replied with a soldierly voice: "Sir, it's a wooden penis!" Full ten seconds passed and I could see the gears in the general's head turning. Apparently he didn't figure out anything to say, so he just continued his inspection. We had a hell of a laugh afterwards with the blokes...

Oh, yeah, I got some serious hazing from the officers afterwards.

[Longinius 1]

You know how the military likes abbreviations, like "AO", "Sit rep", "NVG" etc. Well, the swedish military is no exception. Their abbreviation for frogman ("grodman" in Swedish) is "grdman". Taking away one letter sure makes sense...

[Guest]

You know, Longinius, you should really post the "taking a crap while being under attack"- story in this thread. It was just too damn hilarious:)

[el Gringo Loco 1]

Title: Shooting range Nonsense

As every good soldier should back in my serving years I spend quite some time on the shooting range shooting aluminium russians. You even can't believe how stupid some people can be over there.

One time we had a new CO which accompanied us to the range. As we were celebrating that some of our mates left the army last night it was needless to say that our aim was a littlebit off that day on the range. In other words we couldn't hit jack shit. So our CO was pretty pissed at us and determined he should give a good example how to hit targets with an UZI SMG at 100 meters. So he asked me and my mate to prepare him a UZI with a full clip. As we were becoming a little pissed of this new CO. His first day with the battery and already attitude, we decided to shut his mouth for good. So instead of loading the clip with live ammo we loaded his clip with blanks and put the magazine in the weapon. My sergeant saw what we did and already started pissing his pants by laughing, we told him to shut up because he could foil our plot. So with a poker face I handed the weapon to my CO and said to him: "Let me see how the pro's do it" My CO ordered the target operator to pop up the targets fully expecting to shoot them down as soon as they popped up. The first popped up and my CO shot after a second, he missed , another shot, missed again, another one, another one. The ass shot the whole clip empty at the one target without of course downing it. So after he fired 30 supposedly live rounds we said: "Thank you for this enlighting example of shooting russians". Pissed off, he trotted off to our truck to get some coffee. We were laughing our pants off and didn't get any remarks anymore on our shooting results.

Once we had a sergeant who believed so strongly in the capabilities of the UZI that he let us fire at targets on 200m.

Maybe it is possible to hit them with a UZI carabine, but with our UZI hitting something at 50m was already a daunting task. We used our UZI's almost for everything in the field, even for hacking roots when digging a fox hole. After a exercise we usually took the UZI's into the shower with us and cleaned it with water. Then immerse it in weapon oil, ready to use again.

Needless to say I took more care of my personal weapon which I took on operations. Because from that one my life could depend. But the UZI's were called "whores" in the dutch army because everyone used them, they where not personal.So one day you had a pretty nice one to use in the field, the other day you had a shovel in the form of an UZI.

[Oligo 1]

Why the hell do you use UZIs for anything else but CQB? Taking a submahinegun to an assault rifle battle outdoors is real Military Stupidity.