War humor

[Snoopy 0]

Just a bit of humorous stuff.

please dont flame.

add more if you like

3 Officers, from the USA, Germany and Australia are arguing whose soldiers are braver.

So the German officer says: "our soldiers are the bravest" So he orders a private to go to the 3rd storie window and jump. the private replies "Yes sir!". He salutes and jumps.

Now the American officer says: "thats nothing, american soldiers are even braver". So he orders a private to go to the 5th storie window and jump. The private replies "YES SIR!", salutes and jumps.

Now the Australian officer says "that is nothing, our soldiers are braver". So he orders a private to go to the 8th storie window and jump. The private replies "fudge OFF MATE!!!" The Australian officer says "see, now that's bravery!"

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shoot: Through the eyes of the Military

*An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 pound pack on his back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is shoot!"

*An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good shoot!"

*A Navy SEAL lies in the mud, 55 LB pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, "This really is great shoot."

*A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65 LB pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this shoot."

*The Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air conditioned, carpeted office and says, "My e-mail's out? What kind of shoot is this?"

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The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces

(Snake Model)

The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations or A Diversified Approach to Military Operations:

Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicures.

Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel voucher upon return.

Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5-series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALs kill Muslim extremist snakes.

Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.

Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.

F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses target due to weather.

AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red.

UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake starts bonfire to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into the fire.

B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

CH-47 Pilot: Slingleg breaks in flight while slingloading anti-snake equiptment, pilot cuts slingload. Slingload lands on snake and kills it. Crew cheif uses dead snake to replace broken slingleg.

Navy Pilot: Draped snake around neck at Tail Hook to pick up chicks.

Military Police: Gave snake a sobriety test for not moving in a straight line.

Signal: Broadcasts 200,000+ watt transmissions in support of anti-snake missions, accidentally electrocuted snake in the process.

Corps of Engineers: Surveyed and researched area for plans on improving flood plain, cant do it because snake is on the endangered species list.

Cooks: Snake sneaks in chow hall. Snake dies of food poisoning.

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--------

A private is on duty in the motor pool when the phone rings: "Soldier,

can you tell me what equipment is available for use immediately?" The

voice on the other end asked.

"Well, sir, we have two tanks, a half

dozen half-tracks, two armored personnel carriers, a couple of

motorcycles, and fat-ass Johnson's command jeep."

"Soldier? Do you know

who you are speaking to?"

"No sir."

"This is Major Johnson, your

commander!"

"Uh Sir? Do you know who you are speaking to?"

"Not yet!"

"That's good! Bye, Fat-Ass!"

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3 Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of

tracks. The first marine said "Those are deer tracks." The second

marine said "No, those are elk tracks." The third marine said "You're

both wrong, those are moose tracks." The marines were still arguing

when the train hit them.

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Despite what Hollywood claims in the film U-571, the Germans' wartime Enigma code machine was actually captured in a British operation involving HMS Bulldog and HMS Aubretia in May 1941 - six months before the USA joined World War 2.

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During World War II, a German U-boat was sunk by a truck. The U-boat in question attacked a convoy in the Atlantic and then rose to see the effect. The merchant ship it sank had material strapped to its deck including a fleet of trucks, one of which was thrown in the air by the explosion, landing on the U-boat and breaking its back.

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The British Royal family are 100% German in origin; their original name was the House of Saxe-Coberg-Gothe. At the outbreak of World War II, they had to 'de-Germanize' themselves for fear of losing the throne. The name 'Windsor' was substituted, and was taken from one of the monarch's castles. Queen Elizabeth II even had a cousin tried, and found guilty,at Nuremburg for war crimes.

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The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

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Before WWI the Kaiser supposedly visited Switzerland on a State Visit and was shown, as part of his tour, an example of the Swiss Army practicing in the field. The President of Switzerland, hoping to make a point, mentioned that in time of war Switzerland could field a Million men with rifles.

"Impressive," the Kaiser rumbled. "But what if I was to invade with two million men with rifles?"

"Then," the President said coolly. "My men would have to shoot twice."

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The differences between the services.

If a Helicopter flies over...

Army says "Look at the chopper."

Navy Says "Look at the Helo."

Air Force says "Look a the Whirlybird."

Marines say "Uuuurrrh...ugh.ugh.ugh Gluuururrrr."

If told to secure a village...

Army produces a 50 page operations order, brings in artillery to supress the urban area, surrounds the village cutting off resupply then sending in infantry supported by tanks to seize it.

Marines rush straight into the village spraying bullets all oer the place. They secure it in 38 seconds.

Navy sends in a team to make sure all the doors...I mean hatches... are locked.

Air Force sends in a procurement officer to establish a three year lease.

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A Sargeant is driving along a muddy road one day and spots another jeep stuck in the ditch. He pulls over to try to help and finds that the sole occupant of the jeep was a very frustrated looking General. "having problems with your jeep sir?" The Sarge asks, trying to sound helpful as he gets out of his jeep. The General climbs into the Sargeant's jeep and hands him the keys to the one in the ditch. "no sargeant, you are."

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Captain: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Private: Sure buddy, no problem.

Captain: That's no way to address an officer, lets' try that again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

Private: Sir, no Sir!

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A Navy SEAL goes out into the swamp one day to hunt an alligator so he can make himself a set of gator skin boots. When he stops for directions he learns that a Marine was out in the area for the same purpose. He drives out to a secluded spot and starts to look around. After about an hour he comes across the Marine, standing up to his chest in water. And there is a huge Gator silently sneaking up behind him! Just as the SEAL is about to shout a warning the Marine spins around and grabs the Gator and kills it with his bare hands. As the Marine drags the Gator to shore and throws it on a pile of other dead Gators. The SEAL stammered "That was absolutely amazing." The Marine looked up and drawled "Not really, This one isn't wearing boots either."

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The first bomb dropped in WWII missed it's target and landed n a field in Poland.... Casualtys: a rabbit.

A US grasshopper suveillaince craft attacked and destroyed it's German Counterpart (STORCH), what happened was the pilots f the Grasshopper pulle out pistols and shot out the window at the Storch, the Storch was forced to crash land in a field, where the grasshopper landed, took prisoners, and flew off... It was just 4 kills away from reaching ACE status.

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In a Bunker in france there is the following sign etched on a wall (Supposedly):

In 1918 PFC Baker was here

In 1944 Captain Baker was here.

Gosh darnitt I hope I don't end up in this bunker again!

Brazil's army took over 3000 prisoners in Italy.

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Germans had been planning to make a Air to Air Rocket that would be able to heat seek.

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A german bomb once hit a cargoship in North Africa.... Carrying mustard gas that was to be used in case the germans started something. Luckily the gas didn't spread very far.

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Here's something: A b-17 crashed into a small french town in 1943, all of them lived. Amazingly enough, the B-17 crew, having guns and help from the french resistance, were able to hold the b-17 for nearly a week until they were captured by Germans..... luckily they blew up the B-17!

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When wanting airsupport:

Army: "We need a Apache!"

Navy: "Get us a F-14 on this Taliban target immediately!"

Marines: "We could use a Harrier!"

Coast Guard: "We need a dolphin helicopter NOW!"

Air force: "WHAT THE HECK ARE WE DOING FIGHTING ON THE GROUND!"

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add more if you like

[ACES_KEVIN 0]

LMAO good stuff m8 good stuff!

Kevin

[ale2999 0]

LOL funny stuff

[IceFire 0]

LOL funny stuff

[Col. Kurtz 0]

I like the Anti-Snake combat ops

[Papageorge 0]

I've heard 50% of those, But man, The new ones are just as Funny, But here ive got some of my own!

Hurray for Inter Service Observation exchanges!

Differences In The Military

In an effort to ensure proper training and readiness among the military services, Congress has approved the following changes to basic principles of recruit training:

Haircuts:

>Marines: Heads will be shaved.

>Army: Stylish flat-top's for all recruits.

>Navy: No haircut standard.

>Air Force: Complete makeovers as seen on the Jenny Jones show.

Training Hours:

>Marines: Reveille at 0500, train until 2000.

>Army: Reveille at 0600, train until 1900.

>Navy: Get out of bed at 0900, train until 1100, lunch until 1300, train until 1600

>Air Force: Awaken at 1000, breakfast in bed, train from 1100 to 1200, lunch at 1200, train from 1300 to 1400, nap at 1400, awaken from nap at 500, training ceases at 1500.

Meals:

>Marines: Meals, Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day.

>Army: One hot meal, 2 MRE's.

>Navy: 3 hot meals.

>Air Force: Catered meals prepared by the Galloping Gourmet, Julia Child, and Wolfgang Puck and Emeril Lagasse. All you can eat.

Leave And Liberty:

>Marines: None.

>Army: 4 hours a week.

>Navy: 2 days a week.

>Air Force: For every four hours of training, recruits will receive eight hours of leave and liberty.

Protocol:

>Marines: Will address all officers as "Sir," and refer to the rank of all enlisted members when speaking to them (i.e., Sgt. Smith).

>Army: Will address all officers as "Sir," unless they are friends, and will call all enlisted personnel "Sarge."

>Navy: Will address all officers as "Skipper," and all enlisted personnel as "Chief."

>Air Force: All Air Force personnel shall be on a first name basis with each other.

Decorations/Awards:

>Marines: Medals and badges are awarded for acts of gallantry and bravery only.

>Army: Medals and badges are awarded for every bullet fired, hand grenade thrown, fitness test passed, and bed made.

>Navy: Will have ships' engineers make medals for them as desired.

>Air Force: Will be issued all medals and badges, as they will most likely be awarded them at some point early in their careers anyway.

Camouflage Uniforms:

>Marines: Work uniform, to be worn only during training and in field

situations.

>Army: Will wear it anytime, anywhere.

>Navy: Will not wear camouflage uniforms, they do not camouflage you on a ship. (Ship Captains will make every effort to attempt to explain this to sailors.)

>Air Force: Will defeat the purpose of camouflage uniforms by putting blue and silver chevrons and colorful squadron patches all over them.

Career Fields:

>Marines: All Marines shall be considered riflemen first and foremost.

>Army: It doesn't matter, all career fields promote to E-8 in first

enlistment anyway.

>Navy: Nobody knows. The Navy is still trying figure out what sailors in the ABH, SMC, BNC and BSN rates do anyway.

>Air Force: Every recruit will be trained in a manner that will allow them to leave the service early to go on to higher paying civilian jobs.

A large group of lingering Taliban soldiers is moving down a road when they hear a voice from behind a sand dune:

“One U.S. Marine is better than 10 Taliban!â€

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle erupts, then silence.

The voice then calls out, “One U.S. Marine is better than 100 Taliban!â€

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and, instantly, a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The American voice calls out once more, “One U.S. Marine is better than 1,000 Taliban!â€

The enraged Taliban Commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle rages. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and, with his dying words, tells his commander, “Don’t send any more men! It’s a trap—there are two of them!â€

[Shabadu 0]

Dubya

[ralphwiggum 6]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (Papageorge @ Oct. 15 2002,09:42)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">A large group of lingering Taliban soldiers is moving down a road when they hear a voice from behind a sand dune:

“One U.S. Marine is better than 10 Taliban!â€

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle erupts, then silence.

The voice then calls out, “One U.S. Marine is better than 100 Taliban!â€

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and, instantly, a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The American voice calls out once more, “One U.S. Marine is better than 1,000 Taliban!â€

The enraged Taliban Commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle rages. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and, with his dying words, tells his commander, “Don’t send any more men! It’s a trap—there are two of them!â€

<span id='postcolor'>

this is an old joke remade. the one i heard involves army.(rivalry between the two)

[nolips71 0]

> > > > A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next

to

> > a

> > > > very

> > > > attractive woman.

> > > > He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a

> > > > moment.

> > > > The

> > > > woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

> > > > "No", he replies, "Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch

and

> > I

> > > > was

> > > > just

> > > > testing it."

> > > > The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so

special

> > > > about

> > > > it?"

> > > > Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

> > > > The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

> > > > "Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."

> > > > The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am

> > > > wearing

> > > > knickers!"

> > > > Bond tuts, taps his watch and says,

> > > >

> > > > .>

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >"Damn thing's an hour fast."

> >

Facts?

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought?...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this

because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

[Papageorge 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (RalphWiggum @ Oct. 15 2002,07:26)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">

this is an old joke remade. the one i heard involves army.(rivalry between the two)<span id='postcolor'>

I've only heard it as a USMC joke, by Marines. And Yes it is an old joke. But its a good. One and as for it being Army... why would it be army? They aren't tuff mothas like us USMC

[ralphwiggum 6]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (Papageorge @ Oct. 15 2002,18:35)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">why would it be army? They aren't tuff mothas like us USMC <span id='postcolor'>

duh....that answers you question.

j/k

[Shabadu 0]

Does anyone here listen to BBC radio 4? On saturday is the funniest program around. They usual make fun of Dubya and Tony and they did one called 'Iraqi Races', with Dubya Dastardly and Tony. At the end they had the dove of peace fly past and Dubya goes "Stop that pigeon" and other lines such as "Tony dooo something!" and "I'll give you a medal".

It was so funny.

Er please tell me you have Dick Dastardly in US.

[CosmicCastaway 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (Shabadu @ Oct. 16 2002,13:01)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">Er please tell me you have Dick Dastardly in US. <span id='postcolor'>

Well it was a US made cartoon originally

You're right though, possibly the funniest thing i've heard in a long while on the radio.

[Shabadu 0]

I had a feeling it was but how high is Dick's profile?

I don't want a load of people to start going 'what the hell you goin on about?'

[CosmicCastaway 0]

Dunno really. Proabably depend on the age of the people reading your message. I remember him, but then I grew up watching those cartoons.

[Shabadu 0]

Fair enough. Mind you, don't really matter if anyone asks me who he is, 'cause I've got to go!

Bye all.

[Snoopy 0]

ok heres more:

1. The first German serviceman killed in the war was killed by the Japanese (China, 1937), the first American serviceman killed was killed by the Russians (Finland 1940), the highest ranking American killed was Lt. Gen. Lesley McNair, killed by the US Army Air Corps. So much for allies.

2. The youngest US serviceman was 12 year old Calvin Graham, USN. He was wounded and given a Dishonorable Discharge for lying about his age. (His benefits were later restored by act of Congress)

3. At the time of Pearl Harbor the top US Navy command was Called CINCUS (pronounced "sink us"), the shoulder patch of the US Army's 45th. Infantry division was the Swastika, and Hitler's private train was named "Amerika". All three were soon changed for PR purposes.

4. More US servicemen died in the Air Corps than the Marine Corps. While completing the required 30 missions your chance of being killed was 71%.

5. Generally speaking there was no such thing as an average fighter pilot. You were either an ace or a target. For instance Japanese ace Hiroyoshi Nishizawa shot down over 80 planes. He died while a passenger on a cargo plane.

6. It was a common practice on fighter planes to load every 5th round with a tracer round to aid in aiming. This was a mistake. Tracers had different ballistics so (at long range) if your tracers were hitting the target 80% of your rounds were missing. Worse yet tracers instantly told your enemy he was under fire and from which direction. Worst of all was the practice of loading a string of tracers at the end of the belt to tell you that you were out of ammo. This was definitely not something you wanted to tell the enemy. Units that stopped using tracers saw their success rate nearly double and their loss rate go down.

7. When allied armies reached the Rhine the first thing men did was pee in it. This was pretty universal from the lowest private to Winston Churchill (who made a big show of it) and Gen. Patton (who had himself photographed in the act).

8. German Me-264 bombers were capable of bombing New York City but it wasn't worth the effort.

9. German submarine U-120 was sunk by a malfunctioning toilet.

10. Among the first "Germans" captured at Normandy were several Koreans. They had been forced to fight for the Japanese Army until they were captured by the Russians and forced to fight for the Russian Army until they were captured by the Germans and forced to fight for the German Army until they were captured by the US Army.

11. Following a massive naval bombardment 35, 000 US and Canadian troops stormed ashore at Kiska. 21 troops were killed in the firefight. It would have been worse if there had been any Japanese on the island.

[Grey Fox 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (Snoopy @ Oct. 16 2002,15:11)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">9. German submarine U-120 was sunk by a malfunctioning toilet.<span id='postcolor'>

How did that happen?!

[Snoopy 0]

lol i dunno, all of them are copy and paste.

[RedRogue 0]

Research into the above ironic facts.

[Major Fubar 0]

Just got this in an email:

OSAMA MEMO

To: All Al Queda Fighters

Subject: The Cave

Internal Memo. Do Not Distribute Outside The Organisation.

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come

together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad,

we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we

should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid

excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep

the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning rota..have you? I've posted

a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to

scare the s**t out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that

while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or

keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Thanks.

Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on

the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices

were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance

ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy,

Ossy, Ossy, Oy, Oy, Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

Five: Graffiti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA F***S DONKEYS" on the group toilet

wall. It's a lie, the donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself

at the edge of the mountain.

Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that

the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of

the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys, there is a grey

area.)

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying

to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First

patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

Love you lots,

Group Hug.

Os.

PS - I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut

it out, it's not funny anymore.

[Placebo 29]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (Major Fubar @ Oct. 18 2002,00:30)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying

to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First

patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.<span id='postcolor'>

LMAO, if only they were that dumb

[Tex -USMC- 0]

Osama's Bed Linnen... lol

[Assault (CAN) 1]

The Commandments of Concealment

From somewhere on the net:

I. Thou shalt not park thy helicopter in the open, for it bringeth the rain of steel.

II. Thou shalt not expose thy shiny mess gear, for it bringeth unwanted guests to chow.

III. Thou shalt not wear white T-shirts, or thine enemies will dye them red.

IV. Thou shalt provide overhead concealment, for thine enemies' eyes are upon thee.

V. Thou shalt cover thy tall antenna, for fly swatters groweth not in yon wood.

VI. Thou shalt use a red lens on thy flashlight, or it shall appear as a star in the East.

VII. Thou shalt cover the glass on thy vehicle, for the glare telleth thine enemy thy location.

VIII. Thou shalt blend with thy surroundings, for trees groweth not in yon desert.

IX. Thou shalt cover the tracks of thy vehicle, for they draweth pretty pictures.

X. Thou shalt cover thy face, hands, and helmet, for thine enemies maketh war not on bushes.

XI. Thou shalt not drape thy net on thy tent, for it looketh like tent draped in net.

XII. Thou shalt hide the wires of thy claymore, for they pointeth to thee.

XIII. Thou shalt practice the art of dispersion, or one round will finish you all.

XIV. Thou shalt pick up thy trash and litter, for they exposeth thy presence.

XV. Thou shalt conceal the noise of thy generator, for thine enemies are listening.

LOL

Tyler

[second_draw 0]

ROFLMAO,

Not exactly jokes but interesting. from: here

Murphy's Laws of Combat

You are not a superman.

(Freshly graduated recruits from Marine boot camp

and all fighter pilots, especially, take note.)

Suppressive fires – won't

If it's stupid but works,

it isn't stupid

Don't look conspicuous

it draws fire

(This is why aircraft carriers are

called bomb magnets)

When in doubt,

empty your magazine

Never share a foxhole with anyone

braver than you are

Never forget that your weapon

was made by the lowest bidder

If your attack is going really well,

it's an ambush

No plan survives the first

contact intact

All five-second grenade fuses will burn

down in three seconds

Try to look unimportant because the bad

guys may be low on ammo

If you are forward of your position,

the artillery will fall short

The enemy diversion you are ignoring is

the main attack

The important things are always simple

The simple things are always hard

The easy way is always mined

If you are short of everything except enemy,

you are in combat

When you have secured an area,

don't forget to tell the enemy

Incoming fire has the right of way

Friendly fire isn't

If the enemy are in range

SO ARE YOU

No combat ready unit has,

ever passed inspection

Beer math is:

Two beers times 37 men equal

49 cases

Body count math is:

Two guerrillas plus one portable plus two pigs equal 37 enemy KIA

Things that must be together to work,

usually can't be shipped together

Radio's will fail as soon as you need fire support desperately

Anything you do can get you shot

including doing nothing

Tracers work BOTH ways

The only thing more accurate than incoming

enemy fire is incoming friendly fire

Make it tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out

If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share of objectives to take

When both sides are convinced that they are about to lose, they are both right

Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs

Murphy was a grunt