Military Humor

[el Gringo Loco 1]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (Oligo @ April 16 2002,11:56)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">Why the hell do you use UZIs for anything else but CQB? Taking a submahinegun to an assault rifle battle outdoors is real Military Stupidity.<span id='postcolor'>

Yep you are right, but there was a philosophy behind that.

They argued that if you were driving in the front of a jeep you couldn't use a long-barreled rifle as proficiently as a short one.

Believe it or not, but this was actually true. HAHAHAHAH

I never had the UZI as personal weapon, back than it was my secondary weapon.

I had an FN-FAL as personal weapon first, later that became a SAW with a diemaco C7 short version as secondary. Luckily all the UZI's are phased out for some years now. The army got a littlebit more professional

[Longinius 1]

On popular demand...

Out in the field, even taking a dump can be quite a hard task to perform. If you are lucky, you have toilet paper and this is a plus. There still is the issue of actually finding a place to do the deed AND finding a suitable position to do the deed in. It is generally accepted that holding the tree with both hands while releasing the load is a good idea. Some people do it that way, personally, I leaned my body against the tree instead. Why? Well...

During one exercise me and a couple of friends were supposed to assault a small encampment (one dug in squad in the middle of nowhere). We approach the tents carefully, not wanting to alert the sentry to our presence ofcourse. As we approach, we spot white sheets of toilet paper on the branches. This is used to mark wherever someone has taken a dump, in short, we are in a potentially embarrasing minefield. We press on however, watching our every step. Suddenly, we come across this guy hugging a tree, pants down. He spots us and understands we are the bad guys. We hardly have time to say "Don't do it..." before he reaches for his gun leaned against a tree an armslength away. As he goes for the gun, he loses his grip with his other hand and falls down. Backwards...

So, if you ARE going to use the hug-a-tree-dumping-position, do it when the enemy is far away. Otherwise it might be better to find a more suitable tree you can lean against while having your hands free to do whatever needs to be done.

[Oligo 1]

The Three Levels of Taking a Dump In The Field (suckiness increases downwards):

1. Reikäpaska (Taking a crap into a hole)

2. Riukupaska (Taking a crap while sitting on a plank)

3. Sissipaska (Taking a crap the way nature intended)

When in the field in semi-permanent basis, somebody might have the vitality to construct an actual outhouse or a similar thing where you can happily shit through a hole while comfortably sitting down (Reikäpaska). You can even read magazines while unloading. Notice that your hands are free for shooting (or holding the magazine).

In normal field conditions, somebody might go through the effort of placing a suitable plank on some supports creating an apparatus allowing you to take a shit while sitting on the plank (Riukupaska). This is still pretty comfortable, but reading magazines is maybe taking it too far. Note that your hands are free for shooting. Also note that fallen tree trunks are excellent ready-to-use substitutes for the plank.

If you really have to take a shit and there are no facilities around, you just have to GO (Sissipaska). Human physiology is flexible enough to allow you to take a dump while crouching down without actually soiling your buttocks. Just be careful to keep your arse off the ground and keep a proper angle in order to avoid crapping on your johnson. I suggest anybody joining the armed forces practice this mode of crapping, since it is the most versatile (but unfortunately also the most repugnant) way. Note that this method of crapping leaves your hands free to engage the enemy while unloading.

Hugging trees or such methods of crapping are dangerous to your health, since they do not leave your hands free to engage the incidious enemy, who of course are attacks always when you're taking a dump. There just isn't anything sacred for those people.

[scout 0]

okay..........

there i s another method u didnt mention,

crapping while ambushing! u dig a hole, roll on yer back and crap into a hole, then roll and do the rest of the stuff while ready to engage. altough if u miss the hole your in trouble pal!

[Guest]

This talk about crapping reminds me of an excersise where we pulled a major stunt. It was a big ex. with units from all over Sweden.

After some of the first setting-up-camp boring work, I was ordered to lead my squad on a recon mission, to sniff out the enemy camp. This wasnt a hard assignement, since the camp was > 300 people, but we had some hard diving excersises the week before, and going up to Dalarna for a field excersise was the last thing we wanted to do.

Anyway, so we were strolling around in the woods just talking, not taking our mission seriously at all, when sombody in my squad said "What the hell is this?" and pointed right in front of us. It was the enemy camp, and we were more or less in the middle of it. We had been so into our conversation that we hadn't noticed the people that were passing by us.

Eh? What now? Well, nobody seemed to notice us, since we had the same uniform as them (we were supposed to have some red tape on our sleeves, but we had forgotten to put ours on). So, we went to the mess tent and got some chocholate pudding and sat down in the grass and started planning. The situation was just too good to let up, and if they caught us, being a prisoner couldn't be much worse then being in the field. So we came up with a plan.

We first stole some large backpacks. Then one of the guys went and distracted the guy in the supply tent while two others cut a hole in the back of it and entered. They proceeded and took *all* their toilet paper. We are talking about > 100 rolls here! They stashed them in the backpacks and took off, hiding the backpacks in the woods and covering them up.

After that, they came back to the supply tent (this time on the front side) and asked the supply guy for some toilet paper. The guy saw then that all the tp was gone. One of my guys suggested that we should inform the commander (a colonel), since this could very well be an enemy sneak attack!

So they go and get the colonel from his tent, and he goes with them to see the situation for himself. While they were away, me and another guy raided his tent and swiped all the maps, his laptop computer and two bottles of a fine Bordeaux wine.

Needless to say after that we got the hell out of Dodge city.

Back at our camp we were recieved as heroes (especially since they were expecting a shortage of toilet paper). We were debriefed directly by our colonel in command and we gave him the maps, the laptop and a bottle of wine (we drank the other). Our loot was more successful then we had imagined since the maps contained most of their plans and the computer had all their logistics data on them. The guys were also very greatful for the additional tp since nobody wanted to go back to tree-hugging when they for once had

real toilet paper in the field.

As a reward we got an immidiate five day leave, which was what we really wanted and needed.

Last year in Kosovo, my team pulled a similar stunt to get British mine maps from an asshole engineer captain who didn't want to give them us. That is however another story that I can tell another time (no sense in wasting up the good ones all at once).

[FallenPaladin 0]

Great story!

And never estimate the use of toilet paper

you can use it after shitting, you can write on it, you can make funny games of it, you can burn it and you can use it for cleaning your guns (I did that most the time)

[scout 0]

when i ended our basic training we joined our battalion as a newbies company. as such we suffered from the veterans multiple harrasment and stuff like that. so we planned revenge:

after they went of to a EX. we sneak to their compound a booby trapped their toilets and showers:

we put CS in the showers and connected stuns to the toilet handles

anyway, after these guys came back after 3 days, they obviously went to shower..........hehehe

we heard three blasts and saw SHIT spraying out of the windows........

not to mention that a plume of CS went out of the window soon afterwards and all u saw were 50 or so soldiers ran out chocking and retching partly covered with shit.......

after thinking a while they came to us and begged us to use our facilities

they praised us as good guys soon afterwards and didnt bother us at all, they suspected the HQ detachment........

they didn figure it all out until their retiring party when we told them it all, and had to run for it cause time apparently didnt soothe them

[el Gringo Loco 1]

Are we talking crap here. See here the very sophiscated manner of taking a dump in the field. The Summer and winter method.

We dug several holes in the vicinity when the hole used was full. We of course didn't mark the old holes. So navigating your way through the 'shitting fields' in order to reach the chair, was far more dangerous than navigating your way through your avarage mine-field. BTW extra points to the one who didn't manage to get his butt frozen to the chair in the winter edition.

This was BTW the idea of some of our officers of a functional latrine. I'm just happy that I didn't have to go to war with these no-brains.

Summer version

Winter edition

[Oligo 1]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (L24A @ April 18 2002,12:00)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">Are we talking crap here. See here the very sophiscated manner of taking a dump in the field. The Summer and winter method.<span id='postcolor'>

There seems to be some writing on the backrest of the chair. What does it say? Let me guess: "CAUTION! For shit only. Do not apply chair to open flame or burner plates. When taking a shit, place arse on the hole and let it rip. When operating in snowy conditions, wipe seat before commencing relief. Always check that your arse is larger than the hole before sitting."

[el Gringo Loco 1]

It actually says, translated in english of course:

Sanitary relaxation facility

and on the other side it says:

"You came here to shit and stink, I came here to sit and think"

[scout 0]

at least uve got a chair! we use old wooden crates when we're lucky. and we've got no trees to hug

[el Gringo Loco 1]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (scout @ April 18 2002,17:15)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">at least uve got a chair! we use old wooden crates when we're lucky. and we've got no trees to hug <span id='postcolor'>

But your butt wouldn't freeze to a wooden crate.

A metal chair is a total different story.

[scout 0]

we dont have any snow..............

but really, cant u put nylon sheets or even use two long M-16?

[ralphwiggum 6]

good to see you back L24A

[IceFire 0]

What about just squatting on the normal ground with your hands on the ground supporting you?

Wouln't that work?

[scout 0]

then u'll piss all over your pants!

everyone with his own tactics!

[Guest]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (IceFire @ April 20 2002,10:25)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">What about just squatting on the normal ground with your hands on the ground supporting you?

Wouln't that work?<span id='postcolor'>

I think that the primary problem of free-crapping is that you cant get enough angular momentum without falling. A fix point like a tree to hug is therefore recommended.

It all comes down to Newton's third law:

“ If an object exerts a force on a body, the body exerts an equal and opposite force backâ€.

The procedure of crapping is such that you apply a force orthogonal to your behind. If you have nothing to support you (ie toiletseat, tree...) and provide a force in the opposite direction you will fall in the direction of your behind.

[IceFire 0]

Denoir, what do you mean? I just mean squatting like a duck, only supporting yourself with your hands to keep your bottom off the ground.

This way, provided your hands don't slip, you can keep your feet a little bit outstreched in front of you so you don't poop on your heels. Then you can just wipe yourself with a rag or tiolet paper.

I've done this before in strange situation when waiting for bus to come after long wait at bus stop. It was hot day and I had an undershirt under my shirt, I removed my undershirt beforehand to wipe myself when I finished up, and afterwards I just discarded T-shirt into nearby bushes.

[foxer 0]

I think this is how to crap in the woods with no toilet,lay up against a tree (back on the tree) ,bend knees (like sitting on toilet,and let it flow.Well,i heard that from someone where ,that's how you do it.

[IceFire 0]

There aint no trees at a bus stop where I was. Lol.

[Tydium 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">

Denoir, what do you mean?  I just mean squatting like a duck, only supporting yourself with your hands to keep your bottom off the ground.

This way, provided your hands don't slip, you can keep your feet a little bit outstreched in front of you so you don't poop on your heels.  Then you can just wipe yourself with a rag or tiolet paper.

<span id='postcolor'>

Well this might work during summer but I wouldn't try this in winter conditions when there are 30-40 cm of snow and temperature is -15ÅŸC. And your hands wouldn't be free for shooting at you enemy.

In those conditions your butt will freeze very quickly so you better learn to be quick.

[Guest]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (IceFire @ April 21 2002,05)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">Denoir, what do you mean?  I just mean squatting like a duck, only supporting yourself with your hands to keep your bottom off the ground.

This way, provided your hands don't slip, you can keep your feet a little bit outstreched in front of you so you don't poop on your heels.  <span id='postcolor'>

What I meant was that it can be hard to keep balanced since crapping somtimes requires some effort. And as Tydium pointed out, the conditions can be such that you don't want to put your hands down. And in the worst case you can slip and fall down on your own secondary product.

There is naturally no given rule for how you perform your crapping, it entirely up to you and what you find most comfortable. Our standard way, as I told earlier, was to hug a tree for support, and IMO it worked fine. You can get a good angle without compromising your balance.

.. but I think perhaps it is time we moved on from this topic <!--emo&

[IsthatyouJohnWayne 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">.. but I think perhaps it is time we moved on from this topic <span id='postcolor'>

No Shit!

[Guest]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (IsthatyouJohnWayne @ April 21 2002,17:10)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE"></span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">.. but I think perhaps it is time we moved on from this topic <span id='postcolor'>

No Shit! <span id='postcolor'>

LOL. How long have you waited to say that one?

[IceFire 0]

I have question denoir!

In your standard way, do you hug tree with your belly facing tree?

Or do you put your back up against tree?

Some people here said that putting your back up against tree will help so that you don't fall like that other guy did in that story in that practice excercise.