Akira for news anchor !

[advocatexxx 0]

In hopes the Offtopic won't become the National Enquirer

[Jester983 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (advocatexxx @ June 21 2002,18:37)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">In hopes the Offtopic won't become the National Enquirer<span id='postcolor'>

Oh dear god... That would not be good...

hmmm i sense a new member title coming for Akira... something along the lines of "News Anchor".

[Akira 0]

Here to print all the news not fit for major outlets!

[Die Alive 0]

This just in...

Whew! We can all breathe a sigh of relief about that "mysterious high-tech device" reportedly shipped to Iraqi madman Saddam Hussein from North Korea last October. Turns out the gadget is a brand new penile implant, CIA analysts have learned!

When word first surfaced of the hush-hush delivery of a metallic, oblong object to the Axis of Evil kingpin, Washington feared the worst.

"We thought Saddam had acquired some kind of weapon of mass destruction -- but the reality is, this has more to do with putting some much-needed lead in his pencil," a high-level CIA source confirmed.

Saddam's bedroom inadequacies have been rumored for years. Members of the elite Republican Guard, from which the brutal dictator reportedly recruits most of his boyfriends, even have an unflattering nickname for him: Mr. Softy.

But no one in Iraq dares to talk about such matters in public.

"To mention Saddam's homosexuality gets you thrown in prison in Iraq -- to talk openly about his problems in bed merits the firing squad," said the CIA source.

But according to one young Iraqi colonel who defected to the West in early February, the America-hating strongman is definitely a dud as a stud.

He told CIA debriefers, "When handsome new recruits are selected to have a private meeting with Saddam, they go there trembling in their boots, knowing his notorious reputation as a 'rump ranger,' as you Americans say.

"But they have little to fear. The saying in the presidential palace is, 'Saddam may rule with an iron hand, but behind closed doors, he's a wet noodle.' "

Nevertheless, in early October, when reports reached the Bush White House that a cylindrical, 12-inch device had secretly been shipped from North Korea to Baghdad, the last thing national-security advisors thought about was sex.

"We know Saddam has been trying to get his hands on a nuclear weapon and his scientists may have already assembled a primitive H-bomb, missing just a few key components," the CIA source revealed. "We believed the mysterious device might be a plutonium trigger needed to detonate the bomb."

Plans were already underway to launch a military strike force to seize the gizmo when U.S. intelligence officials learned the embarrassing truth from defectors.

"This new penile implant is supposed to be the greatest thing to come out of North Korea since cocker spaniel stir fry," said the CIA source.

"It's state-of-the-art, packed with microprocessors and all the other bells and whistles -- they say it can turn the most pathetically impotent guy into a turbo-charged sex machine."

When Saddam got the secret package, he was as gleeful as a little kid on Christmas morning.

"He busted it open and immediately summoned the top urologist in the country to install it," the defector told the CIA.

"He couldn't wait to test out his new toy on some poor soldier. That's when I and about 17 other officers decided to bolt."

The CIA thinks that by now all systems are go on Saddam's "secret weapon."

But Iraqi officials adamantly deny the whole story.

"Absolutely no de-vice has been sent to Iraq from North Korea," an Iraqi embassy spokes-man said. "And if there is such a device, rest assured, it is a superweapon of such power and potency that it must be kept hidden from the world."

Source

-=Die Alive=-

[Die Alive 0]

<span style='color:red'>MORE NEWS RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES</span>

A SEX-CRAZED mama's boy flew into a white hot rage and beat his frail parent to death when she refused to pick up the tab for his raunchy romp with a curvy call girl.

Authorities say Dean Glick, 41, who lived in Scottsdale, Ariz., with his 82-year-old mom Juanita, was pushed over the edge by what he saw as her prudish and penny-pinching ways.

"It's clear by the facts in this case the defendant was just bothered by his mother," prosecutor Juan Martinez told the court.

Hot-to-trot Glick had arranged the services of a sexy Latina call girl named Soledad, agreeing to pay a whopping $1,500 in addition to her standard $350 escort service fee for two hour's of steamy sack time.

The horny John-wanna-be knew he didn't have money to pay for the sizzling session, but planned to charge the bill to his mother's credit card!

But when the curvy cutie and her driver arrived late in the evening, 82-year-old Juanita got wind of her son's naughty scheme -- and made it plain she wasn't paying for any private sex party.

Even more embarrassing for Glick, the mortified mom gave her sex-starved son a piece of her mind in front of the startled strangers.

As Glick and his party-pooping mother continued to bicker, the hooker and her driver left.

But they were so concerned about the intensity of the quarrel that they called the law.

Police say frustrated Glick finally went ballistic, grabbed a flashlight and used it to club his tiny 5-foot-5, 102-pound mom again and again.

When officers arrived on the scene at about 1:15 a.m., Glick tried to keep them out by barricading the door, but they pushed their way in.

Inside, horrified cops found the battered woman lying on the bathroom floor with a huge, seven-inch bruise on her face.

Her ribs and sternum were broken and just a few moments later, she expired.

At trial, Glick's lawyer pleaded for leniency, arguing that the tragic death was at most a case of "negligence" on his client's part.

Defense attorney Daniel Patterson said that the spat over the hooker money had progressed to a "pushing-and-shoving match" that simply went too far.

He indicated that far from having intended to kill his own mother, guilt-stricken Glick had tried to save her life after knocking her down -- and had accidentally broken his mom's ribs while attempting to revive her with CPR.

Grieving mama's boy Glick sobbed heavily during the trial -- but the jury didn't buy his I'm-so-sorry act. After four hours of deliberation, they found the call-girl-loving killer guilty of first-degree murder on March 22.

Prosecutors were gratified by the swift verdict and impressed that jurors weren't swayed by defense arguments that Glick loved his mother too much to have killed her intentionally.

"It's satisfying that the jury found its way to a first-degree murder conviction given the fact that it was his mother he killed," Martinez told reporters.

Source

-=Die Alive=-

[Die Alive 0]

<span style='color:red'>RICH WACKO USES DEAD DWARF AS HOOD ORNAMENT!</span>

By JUSTIN MITCHELL

When Christopher Sweeney takes his 1967 Jaguar out for a spin, it’s what on his hood -- not under it -- that catches the shocked eyes of onlookers.

That’s because Sweeney, heir to one of Britain’s largest tea cozy manufacturing fortunes, sports a stunning hood ornament -- the preserved body of a dead dwarf.

In a pose similar to the Flying Lady “Spirit of Ecstasy†carried by the Rolls Royce, the embalmed corpse of 3-foot-3 Jack MacElroy leans into the wind from the classic Jaguar as it speeds up to 110 m.p.h.

The late MacElroy was Sweeney’s longtime butler until he met a sudden gruesome death. The little guy accidentally fell into a trash compactor in the Sweeney home and suffocated when Sweeney’s playful pet chimpanzee Bongo hit the “crush†switch. “Bongo was my faithful monkey butler,†notes the wealthy eccentric. “He filled in for Jack on his day off.â€

Sweeney says he was distraught at the loss of his faithful servant, whom he described as “even more efficient and loyal than that little fellow, Tattoo, on Fantasy Island.â€

“It’s very difficult to find good help with the breeding and sense of duty that Jack possessed,†says Sweeney. “His sense of devotion more than made up for the great expense I had to incur both in stepladders and custom-made low-hanging shelves when he was alive. And it cost a fortune to restore his crushed, disfigured body, giving it the dignity it deserves as a proud ornament on my Jaguar. Now, the little fellow continues to serve me after death, as any servant, full-bodied or not, would be proud to do.†But others in Britain don’t share Sweeney’s assured outlook concerning MacElroy’s fate.

“It’s an outrage!†says Rachel Payton, the 3-foot-5 spokesperson for England’s Small Persons Anti-Defamation League.

Source

-=Die Alive=-

[Guest]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (Jester983 @ June 21 2002,18:39)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">hmmm i sense a new member title coming for Akira... something along the lines of "News Anchor".<span id='postcolor'>

I was thinkning somthing less flattering and involving the word "Spam"...

[Akira 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (denoir @ June 21 2002,19:37)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE"></span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (Jester983 @ June 21 2002,18:39)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">hmmm i sense a new member title coming for Akira... something along the lines of "News Anchor".<span id='postcolor'>

I was thinkning somthing less flattering and involving the word "Spam"... <span id='postcolor'>

I'm hurt! I'm hurt!

My posts at least have some form of....."educational value" to them (ok...except maybe the guy gettin' eaten by the crocadile). I inform of the events that most news organizations refuse to cover!

Remember:!

KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!

[Die Alive 0]

<span style='color:red'>DRUNK SWALLOWS BOWLING BALL</span>

LONDON - Carl Hendricks has a huge mouth - and it got him into a world of trouble when he guzzled 21 beers and swallowed a bowling ball that doctors actually had to perform a C-section to get out!

A long night of bowling and boozing took a tragic turn when the 240-pound Hendricks swallowed a ball like an oversized pill.

"He's a sweet guy but a lousy drunk!" said bowling pal Skeet Nicholson.

"We were talking about who could eat and drink the most. When Carl said he could down a ball, I laughed in his face. But I wasn't laughing for long."

Angered by the taunts of Nicholson and other pals, and stumbling from swilling 21 long-neck bottles of his favorite beer, Hendricks lifted a 10-pound ladies' ball off the rental rack, opened his mouth wide and dropped in a 10-pound ladies' regulation ball.

Amazingly enough, the horribly distended Hendricks bowled a few shaky, low scoring frames after the stunt before he collapsed on the lane.

While the accident was made possible by many factors, doctors agree excessive consumption of alcohol was a key factor.

They also noted that his "jaw is hinged like a snake's - an apparent birth defect - and he has a naturally huge and gaping mouth."

"Our bodies can do amazing things when under the influence of alcohol," said the surgeon who cut the ball out of Hendricks' stomach in what hospital staffers are calling "a modified C-section."

"Of course, his oddly hinged jaws and the fact that Mr. Hendricks is a big man also helped."

After a three-day stay in the hospital, Hendricks is recovering from his ordeal at home.

"Everybody's laughing at me and joking around but at least they know one thing," said Hendricks. "When I say I can outeat and outdrink them all, I mean what I say!"

Source

-=Die Alive=-

[Die Alive 0]

ok, last one...

<span style='color:red'>SATANIC TOUPEE POSSESSES BALDY</span>

In a hair-raising confrontation with evil, a team of exorcists waged a dramatic three-day battle with a toupee possessed by a vicious satanic spirit!

It took four priests armed with Bibles, crucifixes and specially blessed holy hair spray to drive out the demon that occupied the rampaging rug worn by baldy Roger Wick.

"If it hadn't been for those exorcists, I don't know what would have become of me -- that thing was making my life a living Hell," says Roger, a mild-mannered ac-countant from Manchester, England.

"When it was on my head I was compelled to do and say the most wicked things.

"I would curse like a sailor on the job, pinch the bottoms of strange women I passed on the street, shout horrible curse words in church -- often in Latin or ancient Greek, languages that I don't even know.

"There's no doubt in my mind that toupee had been taken over by an evil entity -- and the demon was after my soul."

The 35-year-old chrome dome was thrilled when he first purchased the vintage hairpiece from a secondhand shop in June 2001. At first, his new full-haired look won him compliments from co-workers and admiring glances from the ladies.

But soon, he sensed that something was "a bit off" about the toupee.

"It would never stay on properly," he recalls. "I would fix it on securely in the morning and by midday, it would shift. Sometimes it would work its way 180 degrees around by evening, all by itself."

Roger realized that something was horribly wrong the night he took out Ellen West, a 25-year-old mail clerk at his office, whom he'd been lusting after for three years.

"We were sitting in a cozy corner at the back of a pub splitting a bottle of wine," he recalls with a shudder. "I had leaned across the table and was holding her hand -- about to ask her to come back to my flat when all of a sudden, this dazed look she normally had on her pinched little face turned to one of horror.

"My toupee had lifted off my noggin several inches and -- as she later told me -- was spinning around.

"And instead of asking her if she'd like to come over to my place and listen to an album of Englebert Humperdink's greatest hits, I began drooling and said, 'How about a round of the old slap 'n' tickle?'"

Despite the toupee's odd, Linda Blair-type antics, and the strange things it made him do and say, Roger continued to wear it because of the strong emotional "charge" it gave him.

"When I wore the toupee, I felt powerful -- almost invincible -- and all my inhibitions seemed to vanish," he ex-plains.

"Sometimes, I swear I could hear the toupee whispering to me, egging me on to do riskier and riskier things. By the end, it was getting me to shoplift on a regular basis -- and even told me I should get a gun and hold up a church."

The cursing toupee cost Roger both his job and his girlfriend.

"While wearing the hairpiece, I called my boss an idiot and I told Ellen she'd better come across with some kinky fun and games," he recalls. "Later, when I took off the toupee to take a shower, I realized what a foolish mistake I'd made.

"But when I tried to explain that it was my fake hair and not me making all the trouble, they both gave me the boot. "

Roger says he tried twice to throw away the evil toupee but found himself coerced "by an irresistible force" to keep it.

"That's when I finally called for help," he said.

The Rev. Daniel McAutry, an itinerant exorcist who leads a special demon-hunting "crisis team," re-sponded to the desperate baldy's plea.

"Roger was very scared. I knew he was on the level," says Rev. McAutry.

"I had never encountered a possessed wig before, but stories about them date back to the 18th century -- including one worn by the Marquis de Sade that's still reportedly in circulation."

The respected exorcist's first bout with the demon toupee, on March 1, 2002, was one he won't soon forget.

"We entered the bedroom with our usual gear -- incense, crucifixes, holy water -- in addition to a can of hair spray we'd carefully blessed," he recalls.

"When I closed the door, the toupee sprung from the wig stand and bounced off the walls and ceiling at very high speeds," he says. "It took a chunk out of my forearm and slammed me in the cheek before I retreated from the room with my assistants at my heels."

The next day, Rev. McAutry returned to the room with an unconventional weapon.

"I brought my tennis racket in there on the second go-around," he says. "Let's just say that wig didn't have a prayer against my backhand."

With the hairpiece beaten into submission, sprayed repeatedly and pinned down with lead weights, the exorcists surrounded it and launched into the ancient rite.

"For two days, we prayed for Jesus to aide us in dispelling the evil spirit. And when we felt His power was very strong with us, we firmly ordered the demon to vacate the toupee," the exorcist says.

"The hairpiece thrashed around and you could hear a tremendous howl of fury -- then a cloud of black smoke poured out of the wig and it flopped down, lifeless."

After successfully dispatching the demon, the team did some research on the previous owner and found he'd met an unfortunate end.

"The original owner's house was struck by an errant hot-air balloon, caught fire and burned to the ground," says the preacher. "The man escaped unharmed, but lived the rest of his life in a railroad boxcar, hopelessly insane."

Source

-=Die Alive=-

[Aaron Kane 0]

Hear hear! Akira for news anchor!

[Guest]

Gwah, we leave you alone for a couple of hours and immediately you start to riot.

Closing