Writing

[Cobra Pilot 10]

This is the first section of a story Ive been writing. Im looking for constructive criticism. But be brutal; if you think it needs to be changed, tell me.

TOP SECRET ICBM LAUNCH FACILITY

SOMEWHERE NEAR TWISP, WASHINGTON

22:00 HOURS

“Thompson, wake up. I’m here to relieve you.â€

“Hey Prescott. I didn’t think I was gonna make it this time; I’ve been up since seven o’clock yesterday morning.â€

“Ouch, you really need to get some rest. See you in the mor..â€

He stopped mid sentence. He hit the ground hard and then I heard it, the crack and bang of a rifle. The bullet killed him before I even heard the shot. I immediately hit the ground just as another bullet passed through the spot where my heart had been just half a second earlier, then another loud crack and bang.

I sprang up onto my feet without even thinking. I had to get to the alarm button inside of the security post to alert the rest of the base. The sniper fired again but the shot landed just behind my head, harmlessly hitting the wall with a dull thud.

Just as I sounded the alarm, a huge explosion went off on the other side of the base. It was so intense that it left my ears ringing. I heard the sound of metal colliding with concrete and I knew that they had taken out our communications tower. I knew in the back of my mind that it wouldn’t work, but I still picked up the telephone to check. They had taken down the landline. Whoever was attacking us knew exactly what they were doing.

Suddenly, bullets started pouring in through the windows of the tiny guard post and once again I hit the ground. I wasn’t so lucky this time; a bullet grazed my shoulder and another one grazed my ear. I was bleeding, but it wasn’t serious. When I hit the ground my M4 assault rifle slid to the other side of the room so I pulled out my Baretta M9 just as a masked man with an AK47 stepped into the doorway to see if I was dead. I shot him twice in the head and then grabbed my M4. A feeling of satisfaction came over me as I realized that I killed the man who had just tried to do the same to me.

I ran out of the tiny building then took cover behind some crates. I noticed an ammo box full of fragmentation greandes and I grabbed a few. I poked my head around the corner and shot another masked man in the chest as he ran by. I was surprised to find out that they weren’t wearing any body armor. I thought that anybody attacking a U.S. military instillation like this would want some kind of protection.

I would have to save my questions for later. Right now I have to find my Commanding Officer, Captain Stephens. Maybe he would know what to do next. I shot another three or four enemy soldiers as I made my way back to the barracks. When I got there I found a group of about ten Rangers that were repelling an enemy assault.

I asked a Sergeant if any of them had seen Capt. Stephens and I learned that nobody had seen him since the whole thing had started. I cursed softly under my breath. It wasn’t like him to just disappear, especially when bullets started flying. I thought that maybe he was killed when the attack first started, but I had the more pressing matter of a few 7.62mm chunks of lead flying over my head to think about.

One of the Rangers took a bullet to the gut and I immediately cried out “MEDIC!†and pulled the injured man away from the window. I had no choice but to take up his position because more and more enemies were pressing down onto our position. I was glad that I had grabbed a few grenades from the crates earlier because the enemies were making a very fatal mistake and started bunching up in cover. It didn’t take them long to spread out though once my grenades got a few of them.

We fought for about an hour and a lot of our guys got hit. There was only four of us left, including me, when the attack just stopped. Everything went dead silent, and all of us went on edge. It was unbearable, we didn’t move for ten minutes before I decided to look through a window, big mistake. As soon as I stood up I heard a thud and felt something hit me in the chest like a freight train and I fell to the floor. Then it all went black.

[jakerod 254]

Three points I want to pull out:

1.) The fragmentation grenades sitting outside in a crate seems kind of too convenient. Since you don't need them until after the Ranger gets shot, you might as well have him take the grenades off of the other guy.

2.) I don't think Rangers guard ICBM sites. I could be wrong but they tend to be more of an assault type element I think.

3.) I don't think it should say 3 or 4 I think you should decide on which one. It wouldn't be too hard to keep track.

I'll throw this in here too:

I immediately hit the ground just as another bullet passed through the spot where my heart had been just half a second earlier,[.] thenanother loud crack and bang [echoed through my ears (or something like this)].

I didn't notice a problem with it or anything but just so you know, shorter sentences create a sense of urgency and action so it would be good to have shorter sentences in situations like this where possible.

[Cobra Pilot 10]

This is only a first draft, Ive already changed entire chapters a few times so its a work in progress. Thanks for pointing those things out, Ive been trying to get better at my writing.

p.s. - maybe someday if I ever finish the thing you'll see why the Rangers were at the facility ;)

[jakerod 254]

I am curious since I am the only one (other than Cobra Pilot) to post, what needs to be done differently to satisfy those people who said it was bad/awful? Telling him it is bad doesn't really help.

[11aTony 0]

You have some imagination there :). Maybe you dont have to describe the weapons so in details too. I mean if Im some regular dude reading this I may find it kinda weird if you say "so I pulled out my Baretta M9...". Just Beretta would do it for instance.

[Praelium 0]

I thought it was good, although it's not very interesting. Then again, I just scanned over it due to lack of time.

I'm no writer (or reader) by any means, but maybe this story would be better in third person. That might give the reader a better impression because it's not just "I.... and I....". Also, as it is now I feel like its more like a biography.

Something cool you could do, if it's in third person, is add first person narration lines like:

*Third person paragraph

"I was so scared, but the adrenaline rush kept me going. Even though the thought of death never entered my conscious mind, deep down I knew it was a very real possibility."

*Third person paragraph

Or if you want to keep it first person, make it more personal by mentioning the characters past and how it affects him now. Example:

"Seeing my mom murdered desensitized me to death. War was nothing to me." Okay, maybe not anything that dramatic, but you get my point.

I don't know. I'm not a good writer, or reader for that matter, at all. I hardly ever read so I'm not the best person to give advise. At most I can think up some gimmicks.

Seriously, though, if you don't want to do what I posted above then I'll say go into more details other than your actions. For example, in one paragraph you talk about dragging the ranger away from the window. Maybe you should go into a few lines describing how blood drops were left behind, and his leg smeared it into a short trail.

EDIT: If you want better tips then I suggest you search Google for a writers forum. I'm not trying to offend you, but wouldn't be much more logical to post it there rather than a video game forum? ;)

Edited August 2, 2009 by Praelium

[GoOB 0]

I just don't feel anything whilst reading this - It's like you are narrating an experience from some first person shooter more than a situation of life and death. But as long as you write you will get better at it, my own personal recomendation is to read until your eyes bleed before putting pen to paper. Reading will give you alot of inspiration for your writing, more so than any writing class or forum could give - It will also teach you how to better construct paragraphs that pull you, aswell as the eventual readers in. At the moment the story feels flat, unembellished. And the final word on the writing... No weapon names, it just seems to out of place to me - If you do describe the weapon instead, how it feels in the characters hand in that moment, what the character associates holding a weapon with. Describe his instincts and feelings rather than what you see as an author.

But as said, keep on writing - You are definatley on the right track, especially if you enjoy what you are doing, then it can only get better and more rewarding for your own self.

[maddogx 13]

I haven't voted on the poll, because I think it's missing an option between good and bad. "Okay" is the term I would use to describe this excerpt. There are a couple of problems with the story and I have some suggestions as to how you could fix them. Please note that this is intended as constructive criticism. Some of my comments may sound harsh, but I'm really just trying to get my points across. I apologize in advance for any offence caused. None is intended. :)

So, here we go:

Issue #1: Way too many sentences start with "I [verb]".

I ran out of the tiny building then took cover behind some crates. I noticed an ammo box full of fragmentation greandes and I grabbed a few. I poked my head around the corner and shot another masked man in the chest as he ran by. I was surprised to find out that they weren’t wearing any body armor. I thought that anybody attacking a U.S. military instillation like this would want some kind of protection.

This should be avoided, because it is jarring for the reader. Of course, when telling a story from a first person perspective, you won't get around using "I" a lot, but there are ways to avoid using it too much.

For example, instead of

I was surprised to find out that they weren’t wearing any body armor. I thought that anybody attacking a U.S. military instillation like this would want some kind of protection.

you could have written

The fact that they weren't wearing any body armor was surprising to me. Anyone attacking a U.S. military installation like this would surely want some kind of protection.

:)

Issue #2: The story focuses too much on the actions of the protagonist. (Mainly due to Issue #1, i.e. "I do this, I do that".) I think you should try and concentrate more on other things like describing the scene and events happening around him. Otherwise, like GoOB said, it reads more like a recount of an experience from a first person shooter than an actual story.

Basically, you need to set the scene before you jump into the action. As it is, I didn't have a clue where the character was until the fifth paragraph when the "tiny guard post" is mentioned, and it remains unclear afterward as to where the attackers could be shooting from because there is no description whatsoever of the surrounding area. Is it an urban setting, or perhaps a forest? Without this kind of information, the reader has trouble imagining the events described - this kills immersion, which in turn kills suspense.

Issue #3: Not enough emotion. Again, an immersion killer. Example:

One of the Rangers took a bullet to the gut and I immediately cried out “MEDIC!†and pulled the injured man away from the window.

Way too dry. For all the suspense this sentence built up, it might aswell be "Someone rang the doorbell and I cried out "I'm coming!" and went to open the door". It needs to be fleshed out to make it interesting for the reader. I mean, someone took a bullet to the gut - where's the blood, the screaming, the thud as he hits the ground? And since he was behind cover, how did a bullet hit him in the gut anyway? Surely a hit to the shoulder would have been more logical. But I digress...

Overall I think the story needs more emotion, and perhaps a couple more adjectives to spice things up. A ranger should not "take a bullet to the gut", he should "hit the ground screaming, blood streaming between his fingers as he clutches his belly". You get my drift. ;)

[Cobra Pilot 10]

Thanks for all of the suggestion. I guess I need to get a little more practice in writing.

[Col. Faulkner 0]

It's a good enough start. Always good to see new people trying to do

creative stuff. Do you intend to do anything with it once you've

polished it a bit more?

I like "MadDogX" disclaimer about constructve crits [imagine that bit pasted

in here].

I.M.O.

The sequence of actions of the protagonist seem very illogical and rather

improbable. I also agree strongly with those who opine that it's far too dry.

Dry, dry dry. Dry as Rameses II's mummy that's been salted, double-smoked,

then dried in a special drier set to "extra-super-dry". I do think you really

need to give it a whole lot more "oomph".

Just sit and try to imagine it right NOW! Really try very hard and picture it!

Shut your eyes. Visualise the guys' faces, hear the sounds, smell the smells

and feel it in your belly. DISCLAIMER: I am not a writer, nor do I play one on

TV (although I did once stab myself with a pencil). Read the following

awful, steaming, throbbing, purple prose to the end. There is a point:

You're joking about with your best buddy [capture an image in your

mind of your very best friend as you imagine this] when you suddenly feel a

splash of sticky warm liquid dash across your face. A strange coppery taste

fills your open mouth. You think your mate is pulling some kind of prank until

he spastically jerks and falls heavily on top of you. His lolling head butts your

face with a strange, sickening, wet thud and the blow detonates a flash of

scintillating white light behind your eyeballs. You hear an obscene gurgling

noise and the pungent stink of excrement assails you. The same thick warm

liquid gushes into your mouth and you splutter and choke as it slicks down

your throat. It takes some panicked effort to wrestle his slippery, writhing

body off you and dump it like an old wet sack onto the ground.

You stare down at his ruined form, your eyes bugging out in horror at the

sight of his hideously smashed and crumpled skull. The top of the cranium is

gone and a loathsome grey porridge lies dashed and scrambled around. Blood

jets rhythmically in thick gouts from the wound and spreads in a wide dark

circle around his body. You retch and choke as the boiling, heaving urge to

vomit almost overcomes you. [Really think about how you'd feel if you

experienced that, then refract it through the lens of your character's

experience as best you can]

The wall next to your head suddenly explodes in a cloud of tiny excoriating

chunks of concrete, filling your eyes with blinding, stinging dust. Your eyes

tear and you screw them tight against the searing pain. In your distraction

you don't even hear the report of the rifle that sent the round crashing into

the wall. The same rifle that has just sent your friend on his bloody way to

eternity. [ooh..cheesy! :o ]

Then there is a detonation that sounds and feels like the whole goddamned

world is ending. The concussion turns your bowels to water. It pulls the snot

from your nose and rattles the fillings in your teeth [never mind making your

ears ring!]... blah blah blah

You get the general idea. After all that, do you really think your immediate

thought would then be...

"Hey! I wonder if the 'phones still work!" !? :D

Just add a bit (a lot) more heart to it and crack on. It's a good effort,

and deserves to be supported.

Maybe they should have a section somewhere for "ArmA fan fiction"?

Extra kudos for illustrating the stories with screenshots!

(Or maybe I should just stop drinking the toilet cleaner... :( )