Military Humor

[Badgerboy 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">Okay ladles and gellyspoons

The great Jinef will now make his announcement.

A long time ago in a land that no man (or woman) will have heard of and doesn't actually want to hear of, a land full of sheep and rocks, a land called Wales, there was I doing work experience in a remote outpost called RAF St Athan which was full of Welsh. I was doing engineering in the Harrier hangar, as I have no idea what i can reveal and what i cannot due to the official secrets act and health and safety regulations (We broke every one practically lol) i will just give you the whole story and hope the SAS don't barge in with a P226 and reduce the UKs population by one.

I had been there for about a week and i knew everyone and had all the tricks played on me like "go get this (wierd sounding tool)" and i look at them as if "are you playing a trick?" and they say no but i still refuse to go. So they send the other WE guy and he trots off happily and comes back with this ugly bastard tool smiling inanely and they all laugh and point at me *sigh*. But we were sitting around and the guys were putting on the canopy hatch and one of them dropped some bolt thing. So everyone started looking around in the cockpit and underneath looking for this tiny screw in a 100 * 50 metre hangar with 12 harriers and 200 people in it. Then someone notices that it could have fallen into the pipe where the oxygen supply for the pilot comes into the cockpit.

So i get sent off to quatermaster stores to get a fibre optic cable camera and a minature TV set. So we set it up and being the mature well paid engineers they are they stick it down their shirts to test the image clarity *sigh again*. So we open up the nose and look for the AC pipe and then stick this cable into it. We find a bolt and get a 'claw on a stick' sort of tool and fish it out. We all agree that we should power up to test it so we turn on the generator and all we hear is

"whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrr" as it turns on then "KACHINK" as another bit of the bolt is sucked into the fan of the AC.

This fan lost 5 blades out of 8 and spat them across the hangar sending curses up as bits of metal ricocheted off titanium harrier fueselages and hit 'delicate equipment'.

We were all thoroughly pissed as we then had to go account for every blade, and then send them off to the manufactures to be salvaged and then go look for a replacement AC unit in the mass of spare items kept on huge shelves.

Also the chalk that we put on the tires of the Harrier to prevent damage from corrosive liquids was very rarely put on the tires and was mainly used as something to chuck on someone else just to piss him off! <span id='postcolor'>

When were you stationed at St Athan? They are finallt getting around to replacing the hangers. When the wind gets up, bits fall off and start landing on the A/C.

I was based at UWAS (West side of camp)for a spell, (the drunk Officer Cadets who fly half pissed and keep getting busted for motoring offences. (Trying to drag a battered old Ford up the runway at night, whilst male and female members sprint after you naked... Ho ho).

Sadly those days are behind me, now its Cranwell, and Officer training! Damn the world!

The above stuff scares the shit out of me! We all know you engineers are slackers , but I think I'll do my walk round checks twice next time!

(Top tip: Never piss the engineers off. All it takes is a 'accidently' tripped breaker and the buggers can ground you all day! )

[Badgerboy 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">some of the stuff ive seen the yanks do on the bombing range near me is unbeliveable.

it started raining and the flight of f15s put on there afterburners and went home sharpish (wusses) another point

you never see the yanks when there is clouds or anything<span id='postcolor'>

Actually I was on a range in Lilcolnshire last year, and the buggers came in pretty low. They also came in at full burner over 3 local villages (The proper approach to IP flight plan is quite a detour).

The range commander looked up, saw the USAF Eagles heading in, and uttered, "Great its the fucking Yanks, I was having a pretty good afternoon today". Within seconds, all the incoming lines were full of pissed off locals, complaining about the 'Bloody RAF'. Grrrr! (This happens frequently, and the US pilots keep getting away with it!

That was also the day I got a 'gentle reminder' (ie, 'A veiled bollocking' off a Corporal.

'Sir, do you value your eye sight?'

'Hmm? Of course I do, why do you ask?'

'You see the large red light flashing on and off with the words 'Laser' on it?'

'Yes Corporal...'

'...well we generally flash that on and off to stop dozy Officers getting blinded by aircraft targeting lasers...'

'Ah!......'

I was watching some GR4's do a dummy LGB attack through a rather high powered set of binoculars, which probably explained why I missed the light and the buzzer. Oh well, we swiped some inert practise bombs on the way out anyway.

(Practise bombs which caused a whole heap of trouble at RAF Brampton later that day, but that can wait for another time)

[Jinef 2]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (Badgerboy @ Nov. 10 2002,04)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">When were you stationed at St Athan? They are finallt getting around to replacing the hangers. When the wind gets up, bits fall off and start landing on the A/C.<span id='postcolor'>

I was there about 6 years ago i think. or maybe 5.

But when i was there another thing that annoyed us was sometimes if tornadoes took off on after burner a few lights might go out for a second or two thus causing people to stick screwdrivers and stuff into their hands.

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (Badgerboy @ Nov. 10 2002,04)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">Actually I was on a range in Lilcolnshire last year, and the buggers came in pretty low. They also came in at full burner over 3 local villages.<span id='postcolor'>

But was it good weather though? I can't imagine them flying through rain low.

[Frisbee 0]

Well,I was talking with a friend of my fathers once,who was a belgian paracommando,he was a cook,but also a marksman and an instructor for rock climbing.

One day he had to instruct american green berets,my fathers friend wasn't a tall guy,about my size.And the green berets were all guys he could easily fit into three times.

When they approached the cliff they had to get up,he first went up to put the hooks for the beret's ropes to go through.

When he got back down,all of the green berets said that he was nuts for doing that.

The guy said 'What the hell,this is a hill,not even a mountain,what do you do when you encounter this in the field?'

Americans motioned like they'd make a call 'We call base to have us flown up there'

(note : this story was told in a bar,none of both parties were drunk,but it migth've been 'thickened' a bit )

[nolips71 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (Badgerboy @ Nov. 10 2002,05:17)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE"></span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">some of the stuff ive seen the yanks do on the bombing range near me is unbeliveable.

it started raining and the flight of f15s put on there afterburners and went home sharpish (wusses) another point

you never see the yanks when there is clouds or anything<span id='postcolor'>

Actually I was on a range in Lilcolnshire last year, and the buggers came in pretty low. They also came in at full burner over 3 local villages (The proper approach to IP flight plan is quite a detour).

The range commander looked up, saw the USAF Eagles heading in, and uttered, "Great its the fucking Yanks, I was having a pretty good afternoon today". Within seconds, all the incoming lines were full of pissed off locals, complaining about the 'Bloody RAF'. Grrrr! (This happens frequently, and the US pilots keep getting away with it!

That was also the day I got a 'gentle reminder' (ie, 'A veiled bollocking' off a Corporal.

'Sir, do you value your eye sight?'

'Hmm? Of course I do, why do you ask?'

'You see the large red light flashing on and off with the words 'Laser' on it?'

'Yes Corporal...'

'...well we generally flash that on and off to stop dozy Officers getting blinded by aircraft targeting lasers...'

'Ah!......'

I was watching some GR4's do a dummy LGB attack through a rather high powered set of binoculars, which probably explained why I missed the light and the buzzer. Oh well, we swiped some inert practise bombs on the way out anyway.

(Practise bombs which caused a whole heap of trouble at RAF Brampton later that day, but that can wait for another time)<span id='postcolor'>

badgerboy, is this RAF wainfleet? cous thats the 1 im on about. and yes. yesterday the yanks flew over at about 150 feet with afterburners on (probably because it was going to rain )

[nolips71 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (Badgerboy @ Nov. 10 2002,05:17)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">(This happens frequently, and the US pilots keep getting away with it!<span id='postcolor'>

dont i know it. i live in 1 of those 3 nearby vilages tonkas were over it 9 this morning not seen the yanks since last week

[FSPilot 0]

Seems to me like a lot of brits are still upset about the whole revolutionary war thing.  hehe

Once I get back from work I'll try to post some storys that aren't blatantly inflammatory.

[loopy 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (Frisbee @ Nov. 11 2002,11:34)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">The guy said 'What the hell,this is a hill,not even a mountain,what do you do when you encounter this in the field?'

Americans motioned like they'd make a call 'We call base to have us flown up there'<span id='postcolor'>

I Heard of something similier when one of the american airbourne units came to do the infamous "P Company in aldershot about 10 yers ago there upper body strength was amazing put but 150 pound pack on there back and tell them to "tab" ten miles forget it 2 miles down the road I`d never heard so much winging we get choppered here and there we don`t run "hello what happens when your choppers get taken out

[nolips71 0]

we are telling the truth actaully

[FSPilot 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (nolips71 @ Nov. 26 2002,22:47)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">we are telling the truth actaully <span id='postcolor'>

For some reason I doubt that.

ANYWAY, instead of bashing countrys, lets tell funny stories like we're supposed to.

This is more of a joke than a story, but it's still funny.

---------------

"Well," snarled a tough old sergeant to his bewildered private. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave."

"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

[-TU--33ker 0]

i don't know whether it was stupidity, but we had the dutch army in town at this weekend. i went homa after school on friday and suddenly noticed a truck with a camo netting on it. this truck was standing on a parking lot in the middle of the city. when i came near is saw that there were some dutch soldiers armed to the teeth who have camouflaged their vehicles. this parking lot was behind a playground which belonged to a kindergarten and there was a small tower and they have built up a Machinegun nest on top of that tower!

now i wondered which effect would it have to camoflage vehicles on a parking lot in the middle of the town! and what the hell were they doing with all their guns near to a playground!

my first thought was that they wanted to shell my neighborhood with mortars

when they were gone i got some dutch € at the super market in my change.

[FSPilot 0]

Little does Seeker know, his city was invaded by the Dutch, who were defeated the same day.

j/k

Got this off a website.

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">

http://www.f-16.net/

U(-2)nbelievable

This story was told to me by my father (a former SR-71 RSO) several years ago. I cannot remember the names or squadron information or even where it happened. But I do know that it is true.

A U-2 is nearing final approach when (it was later determined) the pilot has a seizure. The plane then under its own control begins a slow descending turn to the right, with the right wing hanging down to the ground at about 45 degrees.

Just before the right wing is about to strike the ground, which would have proven catastrophic, it clips a set of four high tension wires. By the time the wing cuts through the fourth wire the plane has turned nearly 180 degrees (due to the wires) and has come to a nearly level slow flight just above the ground. It's slow and level enough that the plane crash lands softly enough that the pilot survives.

As the pilot regains consciousness he begins to climb out of the cockpit through a rather large hole in the canopy created by the crash. As he is climbing out he accidentally deploys the ejection seat. Normally this would have thrown the canopy back on its rails and cut the pilot in two. However the ejection mechanism has been damaged by the crash and the canopy stays put. The seat fires, but it too has been damaged and only explodes with enough energy to flip the pilot out of the cockpit and deposit him, on his feet, in the field next the plane.

I swear it's true story.

DL - The Military Channel<span id='postcolor'>

[-TU--33ker 0]

lol the pilot must be celebrating his birthday twice a year now!!  

the whole part of town in wich i live was the place where dutch soldiers have lived because there was a dutch base in our town during the cold war. there's still a sign which says "sluiten" on the door to our boiler room!

maybe they wanted the town back!?

[DarkLight 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote ([TU]$33ker @ Nov. 27 2002,18:01)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">lol the pilot must be celebrating his birthday twice a year now!!  

the whole part of town in wich i live was the place where dutch soldiers have lived because there was a dutch base in our town during the cold war. there's still a sign which says "sluiten" on the door to our boiler room!

maybe they wanted the town back!? <span id='postcolor'>

Never trust Dutch people...

[nolips71 0]

do you want to know the real reason why the italians want the harreir......

[-TU--33ker 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (nolips71 @ Dec. 03 2002,19:08)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">do you want to know the real reason why the italians want the harreir......<span id='postcolor'>

i think you would tell us even if nobody wants to know why.

[nolips71 0]

cous it flys backwards j/k

[-TU--33ker 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (nolips71 @ Dec. 04 2002,15:25)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">cous it flys backwards  j/k<span id='postcolor'>

is it me or is this a lame joke?

[DarkLight 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote ([TU]$33ker @ Dec. 03 2002,23:16)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE"></span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (nolips71 @ Dec. 04 2002,15:25)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">cous it flys backwards  j/k<span id='postcolor'>

is it me or is this a lame joke?  <span id='postcolor'>

Doesn't look like a joke to me...

[KingBeast 0]

Italians -> Known for retreating -> plane that flies backwards

well I laughed

[DarkLight 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (KingBeast @ Dec. 09 2002,01:38)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">Italians -> Known for retreating -> plane that flies backwards

well I laughed   <span id='postcolor'>

OOOOoooooooow now i understand

[Jinef 2]

Hehe nice one nolips, but then again taking the piss out of other countries is bad - apart from of course america!

Extracting the urine out of America is fun not because they are worse than anybody else at doing things, but mainly because they get all worked up and patriotic to defend their country. I think someone who lives in the UK would probably accept an insult about it rather thatn try to defend it, yep that's how manky we think Britain is event though it's an OK western country - just a bit dirty.

[-TU--33ker 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (DarkLight @ Dec. 10 2002,14:13)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE"></span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (KingBeast @ Dec. 09 2002,01:38)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">Italians -> Known for retreating -> plane that flies backwards

well I laughed   <span id='postcolor'>

OOOOoooooooow now i understand <span id='postcolor'>

ok but still ain't that funny

[DarkLight 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote ([TU]$33ker @ Dec. 09 2002,21:47)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE"></span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (DarkLight @ Dec. 10 2002,14:13)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE"></span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (KingBeast @ Dec. 09 2002,01:38)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">Italians -> Known for retreating -> plane that flies backwards

well I laughed   <span id='postcolor'>

OOOOoooooooow now i understand <span id='postcolor'>

ok but still ain't that funny <span id='postcolor'>

Kinda spoils the fun when someone has to tell you the funny part, doesn't it?

[nolips71 0]

when it went clang i could hear the bells ringing from big ben even thought im 170 miles away only 1 person got it straight off i am disapointed