Military Humor

[ebns72 0]

Loosely involves the military, but quite funny:

Quote[/b] ]A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty girls he had collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:

Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care, Ricky

Sounds like a M*A*S*H* rerun.

[Hit_Sqd_Maximus 0]

[Necromancer- 0]

I don't see the humor in that...

sorry.

[Harnu 0]

I don't see the humor in that...

sorry.

It's sort of a "Ha, it really is that fucking hot over there." kind of thing.

[EiZei 0]

Meh, did not even realize that was supposed to be a temperature gauge. Probably has something to do with the fact that it's in fahrenheit.

[The Frenchman 0]

Remember the "If WW2 was a rts"?

Well I found this on Uncyclopedia:

Quote[/b] ]

What if WWI was a RTS?

*ArchDuke has entered the game*

ArchDuke: Hey guyz

German_Emp: sup

*SERBIA_ROLLZ has killed ArchDuke!*

ArchDuke: WTF YOU CAMPING NOOB

German_Emp: u r ghey Serbia

*SERBIA_ROLLZ has left the game*

ArchDuke: Thiz sux, Im leaving

*ArchDuke has left the game*

*Aus_HuNg has entered the game*

Aus_HuNg: hey serbia

serbian-guy: wut

Aus_HuNg: im putting an ultimatum on ur azz

serbian-guy: shyt

German_Emp: me 2

TsarNick: hey serbia i'll help u

serbian-guy: thx

German_Emp: STFU nick

German_Emp: im goin after u

*Franc3 has entered the game*

Franc3 objectsGerman_Emp: Im goin after u 2 Franc3

Franc3: WTF did I do?

German_Emp: u no

German_Emp: haha i just took belgium

UK: o no u didnt

UK: u suk

UK: Oi, C4nuck

*C4nuck has entered the game*

C4nuck: ?

German_Emp takes offenseUK: help plz

C4nuck: k

German_Emp: i will h4xor u c4nuck!

C4nuck: i just vimmied ur azz bitch!

Aus_HuNg: nick u suk im gonna kill u

TsarNick: UK! help

UK: f.u. Aus, u suk

Franc3: ill help UK

TsarNick: did ne1 ask u?

*Otto_D_Man: has entered the game*

Otto_D_Man:: hey guyz wuts up

Otto_D_Man offers assistanceAus_HuNg: sebia wuz camping

Aus_HuNg: killed franz

Otto_D_Man:: haha serbiaz ghey

Otto_D_Man:: ill help

TsarNick: o come on Otto_D_Man:

TsarNick: i h8 u

UK: so do i

UK posits a philosophical commentFranc3: me 2

TsarNick: Franc3, NO 1 CARES WUT U SAY

German_Emp: d00d thiz gameplay sux

UK: i kno

UK: trench warfare iz ghey

Franc3: just wait til the tank patch comez out

German_Emp: yeah right

German_Emp: thatll be bettr

German_Emp: *rolls eyes*

*ITALY has entered the game*

ITALY: hey UK

ITALY: *wink*

UK: haha, hey

Aus_HuNg: WTF is ITALY doing here?

ITALY: delcaring war on u, n00b

Franc3: hahahaha

German_Emp: hell, while were at it

German_Emp: i declare war on portugal

Aus_HuNg: shyt, why not?

*BulGARia has entered the game*

BulGARia: hey guyz

Aus_HuNg: sup

German_Emp: yo

*BulGARia has killed serbian-guy*

serbian-guy: fvcking h4x

*serbian-guy has left the game*

*R0m4n1a has entered the game*

R0m4n1a: wuts up guyz, can I still play?

UK: sure

UK: be on my team

R0m4n1a: ok

German_Emp: hey mexico

German_Emp: hey

*mexicool is no longer idle*

mexicool: what?

German_Emp: wanna declare war on USA?

mexicool: fuk no

UK: dude ever heard of PMs?

C4nuck: haha, dumshit

German_Emp: oh shyt

*USA has entered the game*

USA: German_Emp, ur azz is mine

German_Emp: shyt shyt shyt

Franc3: hahaha

UK: lol

*Greece has entered the game*

*Rep_of_CHiNa has entered the game*

*Portugal! has entered the game*

USA sends a diplomatic queryUSA: whuts with all these n00bs?

UK: I dunno

Franc3: o well, at least they're w/ us

TsarNick: ur still here?

Aus_HuNg: USA, UR teh n00b

USA: stfu

USA: ur next

*RUSSIAN_troop has been killed*

*RUSSIAN_troop has been killed*

*RUSSIAN_troop has been killed*

*RUSSIAN_troop has been killed*

TsarNick: aw shyt

TsarNick: im outta here

*TsarNick has left the game*

German_Emp: this sux

German_Emp: i coulda been playing Halo 2

German_Emp: let's end this

USA: ok

UK:ya

USA: u guyz lose tho

Aus_HuNg: i dont even care anymore

*Aus_HuNg has left the game*

German_Emp: Tht sux0r3d

Franc3: yeah

German_Emp: i hav liek a depression now

USA: ROFL emo

Franc3: STFU i hav 1 to

German_Emp: good thing this will nvr happen again!

Franc3: yeah, def.

[ralphwiggum 6]

a very honest seller

http://gunbroker.com/Auction/ViewItem.asp?Item=37025484

[Albert Schweitzer 10]

-deleted-

[The Frenchman 0]

Found this on hl2.net:

Quote[/b] ]Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil", Libya, China and Syria today announced that they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil", which they said would be "more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-NorthKorea axis" President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address. Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new Axis as having, "for starters, a really dumb name". "Right. As if they are just as evil ... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils? Evilest? ...That we're the best!" Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, Although they conceded they had asked if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An axis can't have more than three countries", explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia announced that they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil", forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil", while Bulgaria, Indonesia And Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really as Just Generally Disagreeable".

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics". Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America", while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick". "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do", said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axis, although he rejected the establishment of the "Axis of Countries Whose Names End in 'Guay", accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Norguay denied the charges. Norguays king Harald can't understand the rejection "I filled out the application myself".

I wonder where this leaves Sweden and Finland...

[mrcheetos 0]

Ha, that's great.

[Ironsight 1]

G-Unit is gettin' some competition

[Harnu 0]

Well that just about explains how it feels to be in a good blood-choke.

[hellfish6 7]

Quote[/b] ]A real soup sandwich

by Frank Rodgers

On TV, you see the plane fly overhead and a gazillion paratroopers jump out of the plane and float lazily down to earth. It's pretty cool to watch, and is an effective way to get from point A to point B.

What you DON'T see though, is what goes on inside the bird prior to the jump.

My friend and I decided to fuck with the JM (Jumpmaster) a bit. I took an MRE (Meal, Ready-to-eat, or Meal Rejected by Everone) and pulled out the main course...ahhh--Chicken a-la-King. I also had a barf bag handy. I crushed up the entree, hid it in my shirt, and waited for the flight to get airborne. During the pre-flight inspection, my JM hadn't seen the bag of goodies I stowed.

This was one of those BUMPY flights. I'm talking Vomet Comet from hell...that bird went uuuup and doooown...we were all a little green around the gills, I can see everyone is getting sicker and sicker, so it's time for Frank to act.

I took my barf bag out, and held it up to my face while making this noise that sounded like that kid Chunk in the Goonies, when he puked in the movie theater...

"Hoooooooaaahhhh..... Ahhhoooooooouuuughhhhhh.... BAaaarrrrrrgfffffffff"

The other jumpers see me but they bravely keep their dinner where it belongs. They figure I'm gonna puke, but if they can keep it in, they're safe. The JM gives me a nod like "You okay Ranger?" Sure Jumpmaster... A-okay...

I smell inside the barf bag and pull my head back, as if repulsed by the stench. I look around as if confused, and pull a spoon out of my pocket. I start examining the barf bag, and act like I'm contemplating what to do next.

I poise the spoon above my head, and like a dog that has come upon a fresh pile of shit, I dip my spoon in the barf bag and pull out a nice wad of crushed chicken a-la-king...and shove it in my mouth.

All around me, the look of utter disbelief descends on the faces of the other jumpers. Not one to be suppressed, I keep eating, and eating, and eating...making it as messy as I can. I have "barf" all over my mouth, my shirt, the floor. I am chewing with my mouth open so they can see it roll around.

The guy next to me is staring wide eyed, about to vomit. I decide to push him over the edge. I put a huge piece of "vomit" in my mouth and yell at him, "RANGER'S LEAD THE WAY," as I spew it all over his face.

He can't take it any more. He rears back and vomits all over the guy in front of him. The guy in front of him pukes on HIMSELF, and on down the line. I feel like that guy on "Stand By Me," Lard ass, who made the Barf-o-rama happen.

By this time, there are so many people puking that the JM doesn't notice the two minute warning. The floor is awash in vomit and the place stinks like a sack full of assholes. It gets so bad I'm nearly getting sick.

Finally, the JM gives the jump commands... "Stand UP... HOOK UP... SOUND OFF FOR EQUIPMENT CHECK... "

Now NORMALLY, the guys in the jump line would be tapping each other going "10 OKAY....9 OKAY...8 OKAY... all the way up to the front, where the last guy says "ALL OKAY JUMPMASTER!!!"

It didn't quite go that way.

"10...BARRRFFF...."

"9...BARRRRFFFFF...."

"8...BARRRFFFFF....."

"7...BARRRFFFFF..."

"6 OKAY ( I was number 6)..."

"5...BARRRFFFF..."

"4...BARRRFFFF..."

And so on, until #1 throws up ON the Jump Master. He's had it, so he forces us out the bird. Roaring, puke-filled plane to blissful serenity under a 'chute.

Unfortunately, everyone's testicles take a nasty shock from he opening of the canopy, and they keep puking. All of a sudden, I have barf on my canopy, and it's trickling and dripping on me. My plan backfires, and I start retching too...and then BAM, I'm puking all over the canopy below me.

On the ground, folks are trying to find the asshole who started it all, and being the good Ranger I am, I 'm trying to find the scumbag too. Needless to say, he wasn't found. The Crew Chief of the bird we jumped flat-out told us that we were NEVER to ride in his bird again.

Hey, if he can't take a joke, fuck him. Right?

From http://www.soupsandwich.net/

[Balschoiw 0]

It´s just too tempting to sit in front of each other during a hard ride. This is a "must" situation sometimes

Classic ! And it got totally out of control

Great !

[Ironsight 1]

Brilliant. Chain-reaction vomiting happens soooo many times. I remember when I was in a toilet of a bar. It was a hot day and extremely busy, the ingredients for binge drinking. So this guy comes in and started puking in the urinoir and before you know it the next guy started and before I knew it there were 2 guys vomiting and 2 other guys on the verge of. Quickly ran away before I started myself

EDIT:

Typo

[Albert Schweitzer 10]

Who do you think we should invade next?

Dont post this link elsewhere please, othweise I will have to disable it!

-- Too scared of too much traffic, disabled it for now --

[ozanzac 0]

CNNNN......

Awesome TV!

[Ironsight 1]

The Israeli Defence Force, the only military in the world where you can have a good time on the beach when on duty

[Albert Schweitzer 10]

I guess as always this has been posted before, for those who are always late like me enjoy this->

Oh Mama!

[Balschoiw 0]

Quote[/b] ]The Israeli Defence Force, the only military in the world where you can have a good time on the beach when on duty

You gotta visit sharky beach in Moga someday

[AG. 0]

a very honest seller

http://gunbroker.com/Auction/ViewItem.asp?Item=37025484

God ... that nearly killed me !

[Ironsight 1]

Quote[/b] ]The Israeli Defence Force, the only military in the world where you can have a good time on the beach when on duty

You gotta visit sharky beach in Moga someday

In Israel?

If so, Israel is already in my top 3 of places I want to visit after I graduate from highschool this year

[Balschoiw 0]

Quote[/b] ]In Israel?

No.

Mogadishu.

Stick your toes in and have them redesigned by funny sharks.

Beachlife is kind of limited there but still it has it´s positive sides.

Female personel didn´t wear much as it was really hot and they had no chance to get into the water

There were some attempts with shark-nets but those got rippled by boats or simply stolen and used for different purposes.

[Ironsight 1]

Quote[/b] ]In Israel?

No.

Mogadishu.

lol if you would have said "Mog" I would have known right away it was Mogadishu

Quote[/b] ]Female personel didn´t wear much as it was really hot and they had no chance to get into the water

I am sure you liked that

[ralphwiggum 6]

Quote[/b] ]In Israel?

No.

Mogadishu.

lol if you would have said "Mog" I would have known right away it was Mogadishu  

Quote[/b] ]Female personel didn´t wear much as it was really hot and they had no chance to get into the water  

I am sure you liked that  

on the other hand, think of sweaty guys not wearing much.