Military Humor

[Angry Radish 0]

Yeah, I worked 141's for awhile, and you would be amazed at all the fun stuff you could do to mess with the pax (passengers).

Probably one of the most amusing ones I saw, was on the day before christmas, and for the holidays, the base would send 2 141's out, 1 to each coast, for the base personnel to get a ride home, and save some cash. Every year they would all be lined up in front of the aircraft with their carry-ons with them, waiting to board the aircraft.

Well, an interesting fact is that jet engines are usually "hung" on the wing, by bolts that would scare the crap out of you if you saw how small they were:-) in this case, the engines on a 141 are held up by 3 bolts, each probably 3/4" wide. Anyhoo, since the engine mounts were right at the top of the pylon, it's possible to push on the side of the engine, and actually get it to swing from side to side. (see where I'm going with this?)

So while all the base personnel were standing in front of the aircraft waiting to get on, one of the maintainers (wasn't me, but I watched him), went up to the #2 engine, got it rocking pretty good, then looked at the passengers, and walked away, shaking his head like there was something very very wrong. Some of the passengers, after seeing this, started to ask more and more questions, about why the engine was about to fall off, and noone was doing anything about it, getting worse and worse until they had to bring them all back in, explain what was happening, while they made 3 engine mechanics inspect the engine to make sure nothing was really wrong with it.

The fellow that got the engine shaking ended up getting a letter of reprimand, and had to work through the holidays as a punishment, and I'll bet there are still people that thought a catastrophe was narrowly avoided.

[Mister Frag 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE"><Snip>

This reminded me of another picture I saw long ago.... anyone got an explanation for this??

<span id='postcolor'>

It means no tanks are allowed to proceed past the sign. There's probably a bridge up ahead that wouldn't stand up to the weight.

[KeeperHET 0]

<semi-offtopic>

WHat does it take to become a U.S. Army Ranger

kindof my goal after the J.C.

[Evolution 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (Longinius @ July 03 2002,08:51)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">"Yes and those... Sometimes we feel the need to destroy entire villages of innocent Vietnamese, but thats the extent of our meaness..."

...except for when you nuke Japanese cities... ;/<span id='postcolor'>

Pfft, if youre going to do something wrong, do it right. Like us british in the olden days. feild artillary against some zulus armed with spears and watermelons.

I have some true stories from army cadet days:

Keep on trucking

We got taken up for a trip in the highlands of scotland to meet some real soldiers doing a training excercise. We were well impressed with all the bug weapons they had that we'd never seen up close before. We got to watch them, and when they were done they came over for a chat. Real friendly guys too, they offered to take us into the local town and show us around, so they piled us into the back of their truck. If youve ever been to the highlands, youll know the roads are narrow. basically the truck takes up the whole road. Before the village, there was a bridge, which cant take the trucks weight, so they parked it as far off the road as they could and we walked into town and spent the rest of the day there.

It was getting late, about 9pm but still light since it was summer, we headed back to the truck, to find the wheels had been stolen. Now its an 8 tonne truck, and the wheels are huge. we all stood around like numptys staring at this truck in disbeleif, then a land rover pulled up and a farmer got out. If we wanted the wheels back the soldiers sergent was to apologise for his hedge being crushed (which happened when we parked off the road) The serg was a stubborn bsatrd and refused to apologise, and so seeing as neither him nor the farmer would compromise, they had to call in a replacement set of wheels and lifting equipment. when never got back to camp till 3am. As far as i know, the wheels are burried on a hill, and the local policeman isnt/wasnt interested in the ordeal.

Pays to be a winner

Getting to camp was great fun, another trip to the highlands, and this time we were dropped off 5 miles from the forest campsite. It was basically a leasurly hike with our bergens to the forest, except on the last mile our corporol said "it pays to be a winner". We got told this a lot, and usually meant you got rewarded if your were first finished doing something.

It was a mad rush of about 30 of us to get to camp first. When we arrived, the corporol and sergents had their luxury tents all set up and a brew going, and lathers of midgey repelent on etc. me and some mates got into camp near the front of the pack, and the sergents told us to set our tents up near theirs. For some reason they had picthed their tent on the slope, but we did anyway. the straglers camp in shortly after we strated to set ours up. the only places left were on the flat at the bottom. we had to find rocks and logs to place under our stoves to keep it level, we basically just copied what the sergents had done, meanwhile, the guys on the flat were doing fine, having no trouble with cooking on their nice flat area.

about 2am it started to piss down with rain, we would hear it pelting off the tents as we drifted in and out of sleep. then we were woken by wails of shouting cadets. everyone poked their heads out of their tents and ended up on the floor with laughter at the sight of the other cadets almost knee deep in water on the flat area of the campsite. The river nearby had burts its banks. The corporal with a big grin on his face said "i told you it pays to be a winner".

We had a great laugh, I dont know why i never went on to join the army...im only 20, i suppose its not too late.....

[loopy 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (Evolution @ Aug. 02 2002,14:45)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">[We had a great laugh, I dont know why i never went on to join the army...im only 20, i suppose its not too late.....<span id='postcolor'>

Mate in my opinion it`s the best time to join you`ve had a bit of Civvie street and if you want to do it just do it join up and have a ball

[shernt250 0]

I have two mini millitary humor. Im a cadet in NJROTC a cadet Ensign, US rank. Well at a mini boot camp (a glimpse of a real boot camp 1 week long) we went to, about 10 of us went my friend a cadet LT(jg) (these are US navy ranks by the way) fought with some rocks when we had some R&R tubing down a stream in North Carolina, he fell off his tube and went body boarding down the stream which was about 2 1/2 feet deep. about 5 min. later he gets on his tube and falls again. When we were done he had a countless ammount of cuts and bruses.

Another time in our office we were posting a plan of the week and some newspaper articles and my idiot friend staples himself and then he asks me if he would get a purple heart medal for doing such a stupid thing. Well after all of our company staff heard about this, we would always make fun of him for stapleing himself and for fighting with those rocks!LOL Now this was a good example of some cadet stupidity.

[Tex -USMC- 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (shernt250 @ Aug. 22 2002,03:44)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">I have two mini millitary humor. Im a cadet in NJROTC a cadet Ensign, US rank. Well at a mini boot camp (a glimpse of a real boot camp 1 week long) we went to, about 10 of us went my friend a cadet LT(jg) (these are US navy ranks by the way) fought with some rocks when we had some R&R tubing down a stream in North Carolina, he fell off his tube and went body boarding down the stream which was about 2 1/2 feet deep. about 5 min. later he gets on his tube and falls again. When we were done he had a countless ammount of cuts and bruses.

Another time in our office we were posting a plan of the week and some newspaper articles and my idiot friend staples himself and then he asks me if he would get a purple heart medal for doing such a stupid thing. Well after all of our company staff heard about this, we would always make fun of him for stapleing himself and for fighting with those rocks!LOL Now this was a good example of some cadet stupidity.<span id='postcolor'>

JROTC stories are not exactly the purpose of this thread. You arent in the military when you aren in JROTC, and if anything, I think being in JROTC should count against you if you actually join the military. But that's just my two cents.

[shernt250 0]

Being in NJROTC is a good thing number1 if u decide to inlist in whatever service if you were in for at least 3 years then when you start your tour you will be an E-3 also if you are looking to be an officer you can recieve funding from the navy to go to college. Well thats just 1 of many ways to become an officer. By the way tex r u actualy in the USMC? Cause then you will know how all these cadet youhoos are all nastys.

[Tex -USMC- 0]

Nah, at the moment Im just an annoying high school kid, you'll know why I have the USMC tag on my handle when you click the link in my sig. But what I know about JROTC is what I have learned from watching our AF JROTC very closely. And they are a bunch of idiots lol. Maybe yer JROTC is different, but if I ran things I wouldnt let any of our JROTC morons near any military equipment hehe. Anyhow, good luck, and remember to take that 'marine option' in yer college ROTC program

[DarkLight 0]

Everyone can post something here, not just the guys that are in the 'real' army...

[Col. Kurtz 0]

Cadets........ Since I want to have a military career, I thought joining the Army Cadets would be a good idea, WRONG! The officers sit around doing nothing but smoking(so do real officers too probably ), and the unit is left to be run by a bunch of 15 year old corporals! Think of it as a high school, with military uniforms, and those kids that you hate in command. In case you are wonderring, I left the cadet corp, but to pay them back, I kept my spare uniform which they dont know I have Now I just got Resistance so I think its time for me to go and play.

[ralphwiggum 6]

not a military stupidity, but civilian idiocy/incompetency.

as some of you might know, you can goto a firing range in US, and try too see how much Holywood movies are f!@#ed up when it comes to shooting. and reali life is diffeent from movies.

well, i've been shooting for abou a month now, and within last 2 weeks i saw a good example of that.

first was about 2 weeks ago. some kid brought his girlfriend along with him and they rented a .380 Berretta. and along with it, they bought some ammos and a human sillouhette target paper.

i was shooting at some lanes away, and they placed their paper target(about 50cm wide, 70 cm tall) about 25feet away. first the guy shoots a few rounds. fine. then he teaches his girlfriend on how to shoot.

i wasn't paying much attention to what they wer doing until i finished my ammos. and i looked over to their target. seems like out of 20 rounds they fired, 3 hit below the center, and the rest of the targets had wholes around them. not even close to center.

and one time, a guy came in with his girlfriend(again, but different couple). the problem was that the girl was wearing what the girls are wearing. a long neckline that shows upper part of her breast. they went to a lane, and sometime later, i hear a girl squealling.

turns out, one of casing that ejected after being fired landed right in between her breasts. she was trying to take it out and was stretching her shirt and bra and her boyfriend was trying to put his hands into her bra.

so guys. when you goto firing range, remember this.

girls and real gun firing are hard to mix.

[bn880 5]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">turns out, one of casing that ejected after being fired landed right in between her breasts. she was trying to take it out and was stretching her shirt and bra and her boyfriend was trying to put his hands into her bra.<span id='postcolor'>

ROFL

That's something that WOULD fit a movie. Anyway, I sometimes wonder why there are so many gun in movies, it's like we are constantly in WW3 or something? Personally, in civilian life, I have not had the need to have a shootout with anyone in my entire life. So why are guns in every movie.

[Col. Kurtz 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (bn880 @ Aug. 28 2002,00:22)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">So why are guns in every movie.<span id='postcolor'>

Because supposedly gunfights are exciting to the audience and are exhilirating and get the addrenilen pumping so the audience feel like they are there too or some crap. Unless it is done well, gunfights in movies are crap. If you want gunfight, watch a war film, who needs pistols when you can have an AK-74 with 30 rounds of 5.45mm?

[cam0flage 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">one of casing that ejected after being fired landed right in between her breasts. she was trying to take it out and was stretching her shirt and bra and her boyfriend was trying to put his hands into her bra.<span id='postcolor'>

LOL Those casings can be really hot, during spring I got about 5 casings from a russian 12.7 NSV machine gun between my neck and my flak vest. Nice red marks, thank you.

How can civilians just come to shooting ranges?

[bn880 5]

I don't think it was a military/govt shooting range, just a shooting range for the public who have gun license.

[DarkLight 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (RalphWiggum @ Aug. 27 2002,01:16)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">...her boyfriend was trying to put his hands into her bra...

...girls and real gun firing are hard to mix...<span id='postcolor'>

Someone has got to tell me what the bad part is!  Hard to mix?  Did i hear hard to mix? let me repeat this again!

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">...her boyfriend was trying to put his hands into her bra...

<span id='postcolor'>

HARD TO MIX?

This doesn't look that bad

[nolips71 0]

j/k

[Col. Kurtz 0]

Sounds nearly as interesting as the time when I was in cadets we went on a bivouac and the Sarge got real pissed off with this kid who is annoying and got him in a neck lock and proceeded to give him a lecture while stranglying him.

[DarkLight 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (nolips71 @ Sep. 16 2002,00:59)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">ah yes a cadet 1....battle of britain parade yesterday. raf at the front, followed by the "veterens" then us[ATC] then the sea cadets lol then the "ACF" god what a rabble they are anyway. the same old line shouted by the the raf drill sergeant, by the right kwick march! so off we go. going at the pace of the RAF yet we forget about the old farts in front who were going about 1 pace a minute so were right up there arse i tell you the bloke from 2 para must have been able 2 read our ensign . yeah so were there in form in front of the war memorial i look up 2 the sound of a roaring merlin engine as a spitfire mk 9 flys over very politically incorect for a b of b parade, ok so we march off through wide bargate and into the boston stump, blah blah blah in there.

here is were the real messup starts, we are formed up out side the stump for about 40 mins stood there, finaly we march out only to be greated by a kamikaze pilot of the bbmf flying very low over the center of boston(not recomended) had 2 pull up realy fast 2 avoid the 3 story high macdonalds and did a victory role over the top(classic at the time) we carry on marching we see a dias on our right hand side with air comodore whatever his face is from raf coningsby there our old CO who cant march said sqaud eyes right he salutes and trips over a drain it was abosulotutely classic <span id='postcolor'>

Bwahahahaaaah!

SOunds really amusing!

[MrMilli 0]

L24A, in regards to There are muslims running around our tent

A story recounted to me by someone older went along the lines of

"1982, Falkland Islands, not long after the surrender.

a REME techie finds himself alone, at night walking though sheepshit in the middle of nowhere.

After a while from behind him comes a rustling sound.

Now bear in mind that some Argentine units were in total disarray. Men spread out all over the shop and some of them didn't know what was going on.

There is completely no moon, no stars and in short, no light in the fking slightest. (and a bit early in the century for Night Vision to be issued to REME )

So, quick check, nothing there. Continues walking.

A few minutes later, same rustling.

Check, nothing there. Continues walking.

A few minutes later, same rustling.

Repeat a few more times.

"Slightly disturbed" by the sound, said techie shouts out at the top of lungs

"ARMY, WHO FUCKING GOES THERE"

Rustle Rustle Rustle, flurry of activity.

Warning repeated. SMG cocked.

"ARMY, WHO GOES THERE! COME OUT OR I FIRE!"

No Reply, oh well, Ooops too late.

Quick relocation of munitions assets (like, a full magazine worth)

Reloads and weapon up, walks towards what he's just shot.

Lying there now is a vicious, deadly, and very very dead... sheep.

[DarkLight 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (MrMilli @ Oct. 02 2002,01:01)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">Lying there now is a vicious, deadly, and very very dead... sheep.<span id='postcolor'>

Hehe, i love the way you say that...

[Ruskiesrule 0]

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaa, hehe.

There is no internet slang word to say how funny that was!

[Tovarish 0]

Just found this story Here. Pretty funny stuff:

Soviet Submarine vs. Greenpeace

"This story happened more than ten years ago. I have probably forgotten some details of it, but I still remember the point of what happened back in those days. It is time to unravel military secrets. It happened in the summer of 1990. It was the era of perestroika, Boris Yeltsin, and the last days of the USSR. A Greenpeace ship traveled to the island of Novaya Zemlya, to our nuclear testing ground. The Soviet television broadcast a lot of reports about the CIA’s provocative activities. The Andromeda submarine was watching the Greenpeace ship in the Barents Sea, under a depth of 150 meters. The submariners were sick and tired of that convoy: the ecologists would either make sudden stops or change their course. They were definitely having fun with the Soviet sub. A submarine is not a bike, and it is not easy for a sub to follow a small vessel. The captain of the Andromeda sub was dog tired of reporting about the Greenpeace navigation. There were other ships to watch such ecological vessels, so the submariners were becoming more and more furious. They even called Greenpeace 'Green Piss,' made bad jokes about it, and tried to cheer themselves up.

“The captain’s senior mate Boris Durtsev started his watch, as angry as hell. Captain Guzanov retired to his cabin, because he trusted his experienced mate. Gazing at the devices in a very gloomy way, Boris thoughtfully said: 'Does anybody have an electric razor?' One of the warrant officers gave one to him.

“The submarine started a torpedo attack maneuver, and the people onboard the Greenpeace ship recognized it. The ship started rushing about. The captain’s mate entered the hydroacoustics cabin, holding the razor like a grenade. The Greenpeace sailors 'heard' the noise of a very weird torpedo that was coming from the Soviet submarine.

“Our sound technician 'broadcasted' the noise of Boris Durtsev’s electric razor. He did really well: the Greenpeace ship turned to the west and set off at full speed. They probably thought that it would not be good to joke with Russians. They got cold feet and escaped to Norway. Greenpeace never showed up again that year.â€

This was the reason for the Greenpeace fright: an electric razor. An American delegation used to visit the city of Severodvinsk. A well-known Greenpeace activist, Joshua Handler, was a member of that delegation. It turned out that he was a crew member of the above-mentioned Greenpeace vessel. He said that the crew was really frightened with the razor joke. He said that the records of that weird noise were allegedly handed over to the naval department of the United States. The American secret service thought that it was another new Russian weapon.

The Americans actually believed that the Andromeda submarine was something like a secret weapon as well. The sub was docked at Sevmash Enterprise in Severodvinsk for ten years. The Americans were watching the territory of the factory with their satellites, trying to guess what the Russians were doing there for such a long time. On the whole, the Andromeda submarine was something between big luck and a big flop of the Soviet navy.

[Sadico 1]

That reminds me of an incident that happened a few years ago near Spain...

Quote from fas.org:

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">In early September 1999 the crew of the Jose Maria Pastor, a fishing trawler registered in Almeria [southeastern Spain] reportedly snagged an Oscar submarine in its nets. The incident occured some 27 miles (50 kilometers) from the Tarifa coast (Cadiz Province), and continued for over half an hour before the submarine broke free. <span id='postcolor'>