Military Humor

[Longinius 1]

"In your standard way, do you hug tree with your belly facing tree?

Or do you put your back up against tree?

Some people here said that putting your back up against tree will help so that you don't fall like that other guy did in that story in that practice excercise."

Standard when hugging tree is belly facing the tree. It would be hard to hug it otherwise. My self, I do it with my back against the tree or preferably on some kind of board / log.

[DarkLight 0]

Very interesting, it's so useful to know how everyone shits while in nature...

[Guest]

In a futile attempt to change the crappy subject that has been plaguing this thread lately, I will post the (sort of) second part of this story.

Almost exactly one year ago I was down in Kosovo, near the town of  Prizren. My team was supposed to check out an abandoned Serbian airbase  and see what equipment they had left. In the vicinity was the field camp of the German contingent (13th Armoured Division). At the time the British 32 Engieneer Regiment was also stationed there.

The biggest problem when moving around in Kosovo was the mines. The Russians had very good maps of Serbian mine fields while the British had the best maps of UCK mine positions. For our task we had obtained maps from the Russians without any problem, but the British maps were a bit

harder to get. The captain that was responsible for them refused to give any maps to us, since they were "classified information that belonged to "Her Majesty's Government". The British soldiers could just go and get a copy, no questions asked, but we didn't find anybody who was willing to do that for us, since they were afraid of reprisals. To make an official

complaint through KFOR channels would take time, and his superior officer refused to even talk to us.

We needed those maps so after I told them of my adventures in Dalarna we agreed that something similar could work. We knew where the maps were  kept, we only needed to get the captain out of there. We also knew that he was in charge of supplies for the Engineering Regiment.

The same day we bought a Bundeswehr uniform with lieutenant insigna from some illustrious representatives of the local black market. Our designated German was a ceratain Spanish Cpl. Aparicio, who had studied in Germany for several years. His German was quite good.

The plan was to strike against the supply depot trying to lure the captain out. The supply depot was a fairly large warehouse building under the supervison of the German troops. To access the building the unteroffizier that sat in a booth in front of it had to open the doors for you. The British had a few compartments in the warehouse.

Anyway after showing some irrelevant documents, some yelling and  claiming that we were from the Joint Logistics Regiment to make an inventory of their supplies, the unteroffizier let us in. Inside we quickly (well, it took us nearly an hour) moved all the British soft supplies and distributed them to the German compartments. After we were finished our Corporal Aparicio, now Oberleutnant Maximilian Kähny went out and started yelling at the poor Unteroffizier. He yelled at him to see for himself that some of the British supplies were missing and that he wanted to see both the German and the British supply officers at once!

The poor sob left his post and more or less ran away to get them. We got the hell out of the supply depot. At the same time we had two guys waiting outside of the captain's office. When he left they kicked in the door (he had unfortunately locked it), and photocopied the maps we needed.

The following week we were back at HQ in Pristine. There was a small column in KFOR's news magazine that said that the German contingent in Prizren had been robbed by UCK militia or black marketeers dressed up as NATO soldiers. I guess they figured out that there was no such thing as the Joint Logistics Regiment

[IceFire 0]

That be a really funny story. It remembered me of TV show called MASH.

[arkadeyevich 0]

denoir, where you in Camp Victoria?

At least it had the best PX in MNBC. I think it was the only place that had enough sense to import enough snus. Somethimes it looked like you had a "Norwegian problem" with norwegians crowding the PX and buying all the snus and porn.

I learned to read swedish by reading all those interesting articles.

[Guest]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (arkadeyevich @ April 24 2002,12:26)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">denoir, where you in Camp Victoria?<span id='postcolor'>

No, I wasn't with SWEBAT. I was in a team of about 30 that was directly under COMKFOR. Technically our home was Pristina, but we moved around a lot. I was also about 2 months in Zagreb working together with the Croatians since they had the best intelligence on the Serbian military.

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">At least it had the best PX in MNBC. I think it was the only place that had enough sense to import enough snus. Somethimes it looked like you had a "Norwegian problem" with norwegians crowding the PX and buying all the snus and porn.

<span id='postcolor'>

Hehe.. I heard that they were having more problems with the British and the Finns that were closer, but the norwegians are always a problem

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">I learned to read swedish by reading all those interesting articles. <span id='postcolor'>

The summer adventures of Frida and Linda, I bet

So, you were down there too? When and what country and unit?

[arkadeyevich 0]

Unit: NORBN (or NORBATT as we where usually referred as by foreigners)

When: Autumn 2000-summer 2001

Where: Under that fucking huge powerplant you could see from KFOR-HQ. It was a wonderfull neighbourhood, right next to said fucking huge powerplant, with NGO sponsored gypsi camps on two sides. At least the concertina wire could keep the gypsies out.

[Guest]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (arkadeyevich @ April 24 2002,19:02)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">Unit: NORBN (or NORBATT as we where usually referred as by foreigners)

When: Autumn 2000-summer 2001

Where: Under that fucking huge powerplant you could see from KFOR-HQ. It was a wonderfull neighbourhood, right next to said fucking huge powerplant, with NGO sponsored gypsi camps on two sides. At least the concertina wire could keep the gypsies out.<span id='postcolor'>

NORBN, you say - we got our asses escorted by your friends from the Telemark Battalion at Obilic, after the Americans who were supposed to be our escort chickened out. Nice guys, except that they expected me to understand Norwegian

[loopy 0]

Our major loved to bring his rat of a poodle to work with him wherever he went that thing went. Everone in the company hated his dog it was arrogant spiteful turd of a dog it loved to piss/shit on anything and everything but the major thought the sun shone out of its backside. It’s favourite trick was to walk down the back line of the company while the major was inspecting the front yes you guessed it and piss on some poor buggers boot sometime give your ankle a little nip or the toms (private) did everything to “DISPOSE†of the thing.

It came to a head one morning when the major finished his inspection went wondering away csm took us through a few drill movements “COMPANY ABOUT TURN†there a perfect turn with a loud stomp and a yelp no one took any notice of the yelp then BY THE RIGHT QUICK MARCH.

Half an hour later the major poked his head out of his office called out for his dog but no reply then went to look for him eventually looking to the parade ground saw this white redish mess flattened into the bitumen.

Then CSM MY OFFICE NOW!

[Guest]

lol. That is a good one. It reminds me of a story I heard in Kosovo from some Germans about an incident in Bosnia.

As a joint excersise the Germans were to set up a mobile radar post and try to detect the American flights. The radar group consisted of ten soldiers and one old shepard dog. Their mission was going very well and they soon became unpopular by the American pilots. After some time a couple of pilots decided to play a prank on the radar operators. As they did their flight they requested a HEGI (High Energy Ground Illumination) from an AEGIS cruiser. The flight was during the night and all of the soldiers were sleeping while leaving the dog to guard the radar station.

Suddeny they heard an explosion coming from the direction of the listening post. They all ran up there and found all their equipment fried + one dead dog. They never figured out what killed him.

[Epita 0]

LOL, I hate american pilots. They always think that because they have the best equipment, they will always win. I would love to see them say that after a British Lynx took down a US Apache. It would be hilarious.

[cam0flage 0]

The lost SISU XA-188

I currently serve as a military police sniper (158 days left   ) in the finnish army, so naturally i hear all kinds of stories, but i have to admit this is one of the best ones around. Last week i talked to one of my old friends from the military police company, who now serves in the anti-tank company. He told me there is a lieutnant in the anti-tank company who has a suspension in promotions, because he had lost a SISU XA-188 APC when the company was camping out in the woods during the winter. The lieutnant had driven the XA-188 into a deep hole, and covered the hole with a few camonets. During the night there was a heavy snowfall and temperature was very low. The result: In the morning the XA-188 was nowhere to be found, and the whole company searched the area by hitting the ground with wooden sticks. The same lieutnant has a really bad memory, i heard he has also lost 3 assault rifles during camps.

Below is a picture of the vehicle the lieutnant lost:

// camoflage

[Tydium 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">

I currently serve as a military police sniper (158 days left  ) in the finnish army, so naturally i hear all kinds of stories, but i have to admit this is one of the best ones around. Last week i talked to one of my old friends from the military police company, who now serves in the anti-tank company. He told me there is a lieutnant in the anti-tank company who has a suspension in promotions, because he had lost a SISU XA-188 APC when the company was camping out in the woods during the winter. The lieutnant had driven the XA-188 into a deep hole, and covered the hole with a few camonets. During the night there was a heavy snowfall and temperature was very low. The result: In the morning the XA-188 was nowhere to be found, and the whole company searched the area by hitting the ground with wooden sticks. The same lieutnant has a really bad memory, i heard he has also lost 3 assault rifles during camps.

<span id='postcolor'>

Now this is probably a "tornihuhu" (a rumor that's not true. Very common in the army). In these rumors some officer usually have suspension in promotions or have been demoted.

In Finnish Army officer can not be demoted. He can be fired or he can lost his rank totally in court. And offically there are not such thing as suspension in promotions (ylenemiskielto). But because the promotions aren't automatic and a superior officers must recommend the promotion so if some officer have made some serious mistakes his superior won't recommend him. And this is usually undestand as "ylenemiskielto". It's not quite the same thing.

Now some points from the story. It says that the officers lost the Pasi. Now why was the officer driving the APC ? There are drivers to do that. And how can he lost his rifle 3 times ? At least where I served officers usually didn't carry a gun on exercises (well I wasn't in the infantry but I believe that officers are the same everywhere).

I have heard this story in slightly different version. In that version some driver parked his truck somewhere and in the morning they coudn't find it.

There are also some classic stories. In every garrison there are that bullet hole in the canteen roof because some MP once shoot in the air when trying to restore order in the canteen.

You can also generate new rumors and tell them to someone and after that you wait and see how long it takes when someone will came to you and tell this rumor as true thing that happened to someone in the next company

[cam0flage 0]

Tydium, don't ask me for details Yep, the story is probably just pure TH, but rumours are meant to be spread

It's true that these rumours circulate and change all the time. The best ones i've heard are probably the story about Hell's Angels entering the ammo dumps at Santahamina, or about the lunatic who swam from Isosaari to Santahamina.

// camoflage

[arkadeyevich 0]

I have heard a similar story about some norwegians SFOR who wanted to see if the SISU (probably XA-185) really could swim. It didn't. In fact it sank like a rock. When the vehicle was recovered it became obvious that someone had forgotten to close a valve in the bottom somewhere.

[loopy 0]

As told to me by an old boy x 2 Para at the rsl on Anzac day

We had a sergeant who had problems with reading and writing.

We were on our 1st parade you know the bull…. You go through right dress etc etc roll call then sgt reports to officer on parade.

Well he would walk along the ranks counting the files of 3 on his fingers if there was an odd one we had what we call a blank file(one in front and rear not in the middle) so when the oc called for reports the sgt would call 9 threes and a blank sir he couldn’t multiply 9x3 and add 2.

In this particular place we were stationed we had straw palliasses for bedding. One morning on the notice bored was pinned a straw palliasses say “all to be handed in at 09.00 poor bastard couldn’t spell palliasses at least he used his inactive.

[jawk2 1]

hmm it remind me one well-know joke *i ll try my best to translate it from french to english*:

a squad and a Drill instructor.

*the DI* "Squad now u ll learn how to place u in a limited amount of time in a Truck.At my order get in the truck"

.... *noone moved*

*The DI* "What the hell is going on, why you damn fucking head of bastard my mom can smoke u with her only little finger did u do this.Why none of theese piece of crap in front of me didnt move and react to my truly god-guided command?

You ! over there one pace forward and explain me you metaphilosophical problem ."

.... *the recruit did one pace forward*

"Sergeant we cannot move sergeant"

*the DI* "But why piece of crap?"

*the recruit* "There's no truck sergeant"

*the DI* "Not matter by this little piece of shit u send me you all deserve to do 100 ("?pompe en anglais") health-recovering exercice. Squad at my order hit the ground...

but first move out the truck"

[loopy 0]

We were stationed in Belfast in an old factory that was long out of use. Needless to say the toilets were "Out of Order" and we had to set up a tent with six buckets fitted with toilet seats. With a full Coy using them a roster for the bucket brigade was set up to empty the buckets into a large sewage drain inside the factory wall. You know the type, about 3ft by 3ft and 10 feet deep. This began to fill up as there was no running water to wash it into the main sewer and obviously was becoming ripe. I cant remember if the NCO involved was a CSGT or SGT at the time, but those who were there knew him as "Sadie". He was kind of obsessed with his looks. He was assigned the task of disposing of the "LARGE PILE".

The PoS had been there for quite a while, and had developed a "Crust". It also seemed water resistant as hosing didn't make a dent in it. After much deliberation Sadie decided he would burn it out. He detailed "Winkie Watson and yours truly to latch onto two jerry cans of petrol and follow him to the pit. He had another two cans of petrol which he instructed us to pour into the pit. A total of 20 gallons of gas coated the pile. Winkie and I beat feet as Sadie, standing right at he edge of the pit struck a match and dropped it in. There was a God Awful roar and flames shot up out of the pit, singeing Sadie's hair. He took a few running steps away from the pit and just stared as the flames began to die down. After a while silence reigned and Sadie advanced to see if the idea had worked. Remember the aforementioned "Crust". The flames must have weakened it, and as we all know, shite produces a flammable gas.Winkie and I were in a drunken fit, enjoy setting the PoS afire. Sadie had edged closer to the pit and was gingerly trying to peer into it just as the crust broke and released its flammable, pressurized gas. With a load explosion a volcano of shit shot out of the pit and rose majestically into the air to a height of 20 feet, covering the side of Sadie"s face. As he staggered back, WHAT GOES UP MUST COME DOWN. As he stood in the circle of shit like a great beige statue, true to Sadie's form he was heard to repeat over and over "Anybody got a comb".

[arkadeyevich 0]

Over a year ago I did a tour in the lower right corner of Kosovo, close to the Presevo valley. Lots of fun. Take a look at this:

Cow

Try to guess what it is and how it got there.

[IsthatyouJohnWayne 0]

loopy- EEWWW

foulness

i thought we were dropping the shit stories (so to speak)

Arkadeyevitch- looks like soom king of Deer?

or farm animal?

i have NO idea how it would get to hanging half way up a tree dead.

some kind of kosovan delicacy?

LOL

[Guest]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (arkadeyevich @ May 03 2002,09:48)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">Try to guess what it is and how it got there.<span id='postcolor'>

It looks like a former cow that has stepped on a land mine or been used for target practice..

[IsthatyouJohnWayne 0]

yes but would a AP mine blow a cow half way up a tree...?

hmmmm

looks kind of like its been wedged/draped between two branches to me

well still i guess some kind of high explosive meets dumb animal shenanigans must have been involved....

[arkadeyevich 0]

I think it was an AT mine. I can't see how an AP mine with 30-500 grams explosives could lift a cow ut there. There was also a big crater not far from the cow. Another theory was that someone had put the cow there as a warning, but why the fuck would any sane person walk into a possible minefield to lift the remains of a cow up in a tree?  

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE"> kosovan delicacy?<span id='postcolor'>

-No such thing.

I think I would rather BBQ the cow.

[ralphwiggum 6]

better take the picture down...pictures of mutilation is forbidden here. although it's not clear what the picture is, just to be safe, instead of putting the picture, make a link to it please.

[arkadeyevich 0]

I have put up a link instead to make the board less estetical displeasing, but I don't think it really matters if it is linked or on the board. If the image where unsuitable, I am sure I world have heard from one of the moderators by now.

Anyway, I think the "happy website" pictures really set the standard for ugliness on this forum. That unlucky cow wasn't even close.