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Hvymtal's Regularly Irregular Possibly Funny Visual Short Stories!

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So a couple of days ago I posted a joke photo in bepe_goodoldrebel's Black Ops Weapons 80's 90's thread. He had just released a full cut Protec - Skate and kayak helmets used by SF in the 90's, the half cut is featured in Black Hawk Down - and I decided to jest about there not being any appropriate body armors or load bearing gear for the period (TAC excluded but I didn't use it at the time  :)). I also doubled up in that post about people disliking Arma 3's futuristic scene and preferring the contemporary. Then a few days later he released the coveted half cut, and I made a big one about how airsofters like to emulate Special Forces. Then today I did three more, each with their own theme and punchline. I was featuring more other mods than BOW so I decided I probably should make a thread in General. I figured it wouldn't be appropriate for the photography thread since I plan to be doing this fairly frequently and my stuff involves a lot of text.


So Without further ado, here's some Regularly Irregular Possibly Funny Visual Short Stories! AKA RIPFVSS *confetti*

I'll try to do them fairly frequently, once or twice a week, hopefully more, but it'll be limited to more "when I feel like it" as well as when I can, hence regularly irregular. As for possibly funny, some of my humor has gone completely over peoples' heads in the past, and I expect no less here. I'll use the second post as sort of a table of contents so people can easily find what they want.

My commonly used mods

CUP Weapons, Units, Terrains, RHS Escalation and GREF, NIArms, Black Ops Weapons, Hawaiian's 75th Rangers, RH M4s and Pistols, Spec4 Gear, Road_Runner's MICH, T1 Uniforms, and LBT, Zabb's TAC Vests and Teriyaki's Multi-Play Uniforms (to get both to work make sure you load tac second or delete zabb and zabb2 in TRYK)

Less used but still essential to the effort of making fun of everyone and everything include:

BWMod, R3F, Massi's stuff (mainly for the Italians and that sick US Ghost bump helmet  :)), 3CB, Various aircraft mods (will be listed as featured)

I may make a RIPFVSS to celebrate the release/updates of some of my favorite mods such but not exclusively those listed above

And now for me to shut the **** up

1: Airsoft Scrubs Featuring Black Ops Weapons 80s 90s and US Military Mod 80s 90s

Seal Airsofter: You're a scrub!

Delta Airsofter: You're the one who's the scrub here!

Seal Airsofter: Takes one to know one doesn't it?!

0311 dude walks up

0311: Hey guys, what's going o..

Delta Airsofter: Hey man, check out how much of a scrub this idiot looks, he is trying to look like a SEAL but doesn't even have a suppressor, lol.

Seal Airsofter: Yeah, well everyone knows that A. Delta doesn't use MP5Ks and B. They certainly don't use bargain-bin ALICE rigs, let alone those terrible GI BDUs, and that stupid PASGT!

Delta Airsofter: You're one to talk, when's the last time a Seal ever wore a stupid bandana like that, or a Deagle??? Nobody in their right mind would use a Deagle in combat, and about that M4...

One eternity later

0311: Um, guys?

Both in unison: WHAT!?!?!??!?!?

0311: If you would like to turn around...

0311: I believe you'll find you are both total scrubs

The two idiots are speechless :D

Departing 0311: Heh, airsofters

Bonus round

Somewhere in Serbia

Ivan: Zhink you have enough ammunition, comrade?

Sam: Well...


You know guys, I'm not allergic to comments, you can chime in if you want...

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Directory of mediocre humor

#1: Airsoft Scrubs (Pg1 P1)

#2: It Ist Wintage (Pg1 P4)

#3: It Exploded (Pg1 P4)

#4: Saved by the French (Pg1 P4)

#5: Strike Countered (Pg1 P5)

#6: GIGNMLP (Pg1 P5)

#7: I Think I Got Him (Pg1 P6)

#8: He's Lost It (Pg1 P7)

#9: Some Grub (Pg1 P8)

1.60 Update (Pg1 P9)

#10: Sh*t Bucket (Pg1 P10)

#11: Vhat Happened to Him? (Pg1 P11)

#12: High Speed Beauty Pageant (Pg1 P13)

#13: Something of a Habit (Pg 1 P14)

#14: A Certain Way of Doing Things (Pg 1 P15)

#15: They Can't Possibly Be Everywhere (Pg1 P16)

#16: Horizon (Pg1 P17)

#17: Ils Nous Ont Trouvés (Pg1 P19)

#18: We'd Be F***ed Even More (Pg2 P21)

#19: Tin-Headed (Pg 2 P22)

#20: I Hear You Like Your Guns (Pg2 P23)

#21: "No foul language" (Pg2 P30)

#22: I Want My Money (Pg2 P31)

#23: How Far We Get (Pg2 P37)

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Well that was...insane :D I like it-keep going man!


Stuff like this is great-there was a fan fiction thread for Armaverse stories, but it has been inactive for a couple of years. We may see a bit of a revival with things like this.

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Don't you worry ineptaphid, I've got more lined up from the BOW Thread :)

2: It Ist Wintage, featuring RHS GREF and BW Kleiderkammer

Green Beret: Hey, nice Helmet

Fernspäher: Danke, ist wintage

???: Nein, nein nein nein! Zat ist not wintage!

Jäger: ZIS ist wintage!

3: It Exploded Featuring BWMOD

Wilhelm: Hey, hey! Halt please!

Josh: Yeah, what do you guys need?

Hans: Vould you mind if we hitch a ride?

Josh: Sure, uh, what happened to yours?

It... erm...



Wilhelm: It, uh, exploded

Josh: Well, okay then, hop on I guess...

Just don't get the seats wet

4: Saved by the French Featuring R3F

Under heavy fire

Amir: Dammit, Leu's been hit!

Yoshuda: There's way too many of them for us to even have a chance!

Amir: Well, man, I guess this is the end!, It's been an honor serving with you!

Yoshuda: You're kind of a prick but it's been an honor as well!



After the dust settles

Amir: What the...

Yoshuda: Huh? How?

???: I zee yu must be pleased vit my timelly arrival

Amir and Yoshuda turn around

France, bailing out America since 1778

I wanted to do the whole cool guys don't look at explosions thing but with zeus it ended up being impractical so I just did this. Way better IMO :D

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5: Strike Countered

Legendary Eagle Master: Wassup?


Legendary Eagle Master: What do you mean?

Commando: The gun dumbarse! What, are you trying to take my head off!?!?!?

Legendary Eagle Master: What's wrong with pointing a gun at somebody?

Commando: I... Ergh... Just double tap left control

LEM: Oh, so that's how you do it. I thought it was automatic

Commando: S***e, mate... well it isn't so make sure you...

LEM: What?

Commando: Is that a Deagle? And more importantly where's your AT?

LEM: Yeah, and what's AT?

Commando: Why are you using a bloody Deagle, it's way too impractical

LEM: I thought everyone used them, and What's AT

Commando: AT means antitank, you know, rocket launchers like mine

LEM: Don't need one, weighs me down

Commando: And what if a tank comes around the corner?

LEM: This game has tanks?

Commando: Oh bloody hell.

LEM: You know what, forget you, you're slowing me down, I'm gonna go win the match for us

Commando: Wha? Hey, don't just run around the corner!

LEM: I'm a pro with an M4A1-S, what's the worst thatKATKATKATKATKATKATKATKATKATKA

Commando: :face_palm:  Bloody idiot

I wonder what he'll do when he realizes he doesn't respawn in the town


LEM: What the? Oh F*** me not this place again!





1: Empilez (Stack up)

3 Taps 1's Shoulder

1: Cinq, coincer le porte à l'étage (5, block the upstairs door)

5: Oui

1: Tu as l'air sous le porte (Look under the door)

2 uses his snake cam, 5 comes back downstairs

2: Un hostile, pas civil, tous les côtés est ouvert (1 hostile, no civilians, all sides open)

5: Porte est coin (Door is blocked)

1: Deplacer le flash (Move the flash up)

4: Flash prêt (flash ready) *clink*

3: Pompe prêt (shotgun ready)

1: Faites trou et nettez, allez! (Breach and clear, go!)

BOOM! click-click BOOM! click-click BOOM!

CLANG, tom tom tom


Team Enters

1: GENDARMERI..........

Contact with team lost

Wait, we still have audio


???: MON VISAGE! ÇA A ÉTÉ DÉCHIRÉ!!!!!! (Oh jesus i'm not translating that...)

Audio cuts out, then comes back in


???: Aww, why'd you have to be such meanieheads?

Visual regained

​Shut off immediately

Too terrifying to show directly, but we do have a reference image of the suspect


Yeah, pretty scary...

(sorry if the French is bad, it's been a while. If you much correct me, PM)

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So Massi decided to release some WWII stuff. So I decided to celebrate that with some more RIPFVSS!

7: I think I got him
UAZ substituting for Kubel due to lack of availability on my end


Somewhere in southern Germany

Chris: I wonder what those krauts are up to

Tom and Chris try to focus on the enemy forces at long range

Tom: I think they're setting up a mortar

Chris: Are you sure?

Tom: Yes I'm sure

Chris: But you said I think not I know

Tom: Well the pointy thing sticking out of the ground is a pretty big giveaway don't you think

Chris focuses on the two soldiers standing close to one another

Chris: Oh, that is a mortar

Tom: Well, we probably should do someth

Chris unfolds his leaf sight and sets the range

Tom: What the f*** are you doing?

Chris: What does it look like? I'm aiming for the prick with the cap

Tom: Um, in case you didn't notice numbnuts, there's four of them, three having automatic weapons, and two of us

Chris: So? We can take them from here

Tom: SO CAN THEY! Can you not see that the guy in the grey shirt has an MG4...


Chris: I think I got him. Yeah, I think I got the officer. Hey Tom, try and suppress that machine gun for me.


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​8: He's Lost It Featuring Firewill's F-15 Eagle (F-15E shown) and air crew gear pack (CWU-45P and HGU-55/P shown. Wish it was the /GTX :()
Somewhere over somewhere
Kissler: How's it lookin' Monaghan?
Monaghan: We are... (checks ICP) 3 minutes from the IP. Thus far I've seen no mud nor any bogies
Kissler: Wait are we nose hot??
Monaghan: Oh, no no, I mean Chalice telling us.
Kissler: Oh, okay *phew*. Speaking of theats, RWR's been quiet since we picked up that SA-10 back there, yet as fragged we should be hitting a buttload of threats by now...
Monaghan: Yeah, this is weird... We're 60 from IP, going nose hot, master arm on
Kissler: (Over UHF) Hammer 1-1, Radar on. (Intercom) I have the airfield in sight on the TGP, and... Aww shi-
Chalice: Hammer 1-1, Chalice, pop up threat, BRAA 282 for 10, Angels 1, Cold (Coming from target airfield)
Monaghan: I've got radar contact, his music/s on but I've burned through... What? he disappeared
Kissler: That'd be because he's a stealth fighter! (UHF) Hammer 1-1 is engaged defensive with a stealthy bandit, need immediate assistance at bulls 343 for 20, over
Krause: Hammer 1, Shark 2-1, I'm 50 miles out from you, headed in. Confirm the bandit is stealthy
Monaghan: (Intercom) Screw that, our target, our kill
Kissler: WHAT!?!?!? Are you insane!?!?!? We wouldn't stand a chance with an air-air loadout, much less what we've go..
Kissler: (UHF) Shark 2-1, forget it. Monaghan has completely lost it 

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9: Some Grub

In the middle of the night, a lone stealth operator approaches the entrance of a military base
Cue the music
Brisk Mongoose: Alright, one guard at the gate. That's more illumination than I thought. How am I going to get past this...
Looks around
A cardboard box approaches the gates while the guard is not looking
Brisk Mongoose: Alright, just need to wait until he turns around agai-
Gate Guard: :o â€‹Oh noes! A cardboard box out here in the cold all by his lonesome. I must do something!
Climbs down tower, opens gate and approaches box
Gate Guard: There, there, it's all right, you don't have to stay out here in the cold any more
Carries box to checkpoint
Gate Guard: Here, I'll turn up the heat for you. Now I have to go up to the tower again, so stay here. Don't worry, I'll be back!
Brisk Mongoose carefully closes the box behind him. As he exits, he looks up at the tower
Brisk Mongoose: You know what, I'm not going to question that
He heads through as little lighted area as he can until he reaches the command post
Brisk Mongoose: Crap, that one has NODs, there's no way I'm gonna be able to get past hi-
NOD Guard: Man, I am HUUUUUUNGRY. I'm just gonna totally abandon my post and go get some grub!
He walks into the building. Brisk Mongoose quietly follows
Brisk Mongoose: I mean, I'm not complaining about how stupid they are...
Brisk Mongoose enters the post. He knocks out the base commander and rummages through various intelligence documents. After finding the ones he needs as well as some extras, he starts to head down the stairs
The air moving past is enough to trigger the play button on this REALLY old cassette player. To make matters worse, it was at max volume
Brisk Mongoose: What the ****? Oh man, I'm screwed, there's no way they aren't gonna know I'm here now! I'm being screwed by a one hit wonder!
GL Guard: Hey, you hear that?
MG Guard: You mean the sound of me beating you at Hearthstone? :D
GL Guard: No, the music. Maybe one of us should go check it out
MG Guard: Awwwww, you gonna ragequit cuz I'm beating you so bad?
GL: No.. I mean... We're only at 4 mana and I have two Annoy-o-trons and Nat Pagle on the board and you only have an Argent Squire, how the hell can you think you're winning!?!?
NOD Guard: Hey guys, got any snacks?
Brisk Mongoose: Wow. Just Wow.
Brisk Mongoose heads outside. He spots a quad in a shed
Brisk Mongoose: You know what, this place is completely bonkers. Screw noise discipline, I'm getting out of here
He starts to slow down as he heads towards the gate. The Gate Guard Notices him. Before he can think "oh s***", the gate guard starts to climb down and says
Gate Guard: Hold on, let me get the gate for you
Brisk Mongoose: Um... Thanks. Nice box over there.
Gate Guard: Thanks, its a stray :)
Brisk Mongoose: Ehm, Cool...
Gate Guard: Have a safe trip!
Brisk Mongoose: Thanks, uh, you have a safe watch.
As Brisk Mongoose rode off, he noticed a sign that explained everything
"You are now leaving Northwest Airfield. Thanks for playing on our Public Wasteland server hosted by Youtuber Fans!"

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So I was going to do a Battefield Colonel 100 vs CS:GO The Global Elite top trumps but 1.60 came out and HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THE NO INTRO SCREEN!!!!!

I could stare at it forever now...


This inspired me to go on some underwater adventures, in which I discovered it is possible to open the arsenal underwater!

Sort of


And I figured I should try some new things such as sniping from the water's surface. Turns out, that's impossible! Ha ha ha, and here I thought this game was cool... :(

Damn you BIS...

I then took my trusty SG1 and decided to instead use a CRRC. Since it was small and easily affected by the tide, it turned out to be very difficult. On the plus side, I could use my SOFLAM and not be 600m off my zero!

I did eventually manage to kill the CSAT rifleman. I wasn't helped by the default Stratis tide and the fact he has a tac vest on top of his already Kevlar-injected combat fatigues. It did feel cool though!

Unimpressed with my own patience I instead decided to try RHS' beautiful Mk V SOC instead which being bigger should be less susceptible to tidal influence. I promptly spawned on my own face, with predictable results.


Being the persistent f***er I am, I gave it another go, and, well, it was not that hard to be honest, though some of that was down to me using a light fifty :). Due to the way Arma uses PhysX where your connection point is your feet, I didn't bob around on the deck, which once positioned made it very simple actually, just a matter of timing it with the tide

It was a bit tricky to get the thing to stay still though by myself. I did have a before shot for internet proof but the guardrail got in the way


Afterwards I decided to put my flight suit on, crank up the view distance to max, and climb in my good old viper pal to check it out from the air. As I taxied I noticed that whatever they did to the lighting (I suspect full Oblivion with the bloom), it makes aircraft displays look fantastic.

Naturally, I went vertical right after takeoff. I got some altitude and... yeah it looks ridiculously good.

After I buzzed the Molon Labe memorial, I decided, being the fighter jock at heart I am, plop an opfor F14 in the sky and see what air combat feels like. It was even better with the new visuals. It didn't take me long to splash the turkey but my confirmation picture looked great. I then decided, eh why not lets go bomb some unsuspecting oil rigs in Takistan. Uh oh. I dunno if it's just CUP terrains or all maps but the skybox is horribly messed up.

Still, the mountains looked better than ever if you ignored the sky box. Green Chernarus too. Sahrani didn't look as good to my eyes immediately, and while I'd love to get some good shots of Icebreakr's terrains and Namalsk I don't want to see what the Kraken did to their skyboxes.


So there you have it. My early adventures into 1.60. I hope it was informative. Normal programming shall resume one I figure out how best to replicate BF3 or BF4 Support for Colonel 100, since I already have CSGO SEAL down.

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And now, back to my attempts at being funny
10: Shit Bucket

Do dee doo de doo
Hears an argument around the corner
Anatoly: Что Ñто, интереÑно? (What is that, I wonder?)
Walks around corner to find two soldiers arguing
Anatory: Zdravstvuyte comrades! How are you doing toda-
His comrades blow him off completely
The Global Elite: I wallbang collateral entire teams. Regularly
Colonel 100: I have destroyed a skyscraper with my bare hands
TGE: I can snap to peoples' heads exactly without aimhacks
C100: I can destroy river boats just by looking at them
TGE: I can BHop for 10 minutes straight
C100: I don't need Bunny Hops, I'll just grab onto a helicopter and hijack it
TGE: I can throw two flashes and they'll land at the same time in both lanes
C100: I can knife an entire squad and SRAW an enemy chopper at the same time

TGE: I've got a factory new Case Hardened Huntsman. And Karambit

C100: Do they have bipods?

TGE: Uh.. No

C100: Because mine has a bipod. I got it after my 3,785,081,878,020,123,540th Kill. I've got at least 1,482 times that now.

TGE: Lets see (pulls out StatTrak Phone), that's.... hmm.. Oh, I've got more than that on my Fade Zeus. Oh yeah, I have a Fade Zeus

C100: You got a shit bucket?

TGE: You bet your ass I've got a shit bucket




I'll probably throw in 10th Prestige Rank 100 in at some point. Maybe not though, if there's one thing these guys agree on, it's their superiority to the console proletariat

Than again, that would be humorous...

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11: Vhat Happened to Him? Featuring Road_Runner's NEW Tier 1 Uniforms

One breezy night in Zargabad

Alouette: F***ing terroristes, no sense of ponctualité
​A distinct lack of HVT fills the air
​Wasp: Give the man some credit, he was very punctual in that checkpoint attack the other day
Alouette: Okay, zen, I stand corrected
No sense of ponctualité when it counts
Wasp: Heh heh.
You hear that?
Alouette: Oui... Target sighted. 15 f***ing minutes late...
Wasp: Range 250 meters. The one in the long robes with his back turned
Alouette: Time to demonstrate zat ze TF Atlas head removal service has much better ponctualité. Dailling in...
MLG Pro: F*** this slow crap *jumps over edge* 360 NOSCOOOOOOOSplat
Wasp: Told you he'd be a liability
Alouette: I know, I brought him allong more for laughs :D

Gigant approaches from the stairs
Gigant: Ze vagen is ready downstairs. Make it quick, ja?
Wasp: Almost done here
Gigant looks over the edge
Gigant: Vhat happened to him?
Alouette: 360 Noscopes, mon ami, 360 noscopes...

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So yeah it's 11 o clock, I need to wake up in the middle of the night to take care of my out of town friend's dog 12 miles away, I may need to wake up early tomorrow, and I'm still doing this crap. WTF is wrong with me XD


My mind blanked halfway through (what did I expect?), so proper one tomorrow, for now it's just *drumroll*


Band of Tiger Stripe (no clean shaves allowed)

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#12: High Speed Beauty Pageant

Featuring VanSchmoozin Warfighter Pack and Spec4 Gear V4 (With 100% more G3 Combats!)


HEEEEEELLLLOOOO There ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the 9th Annual High Speed Warrior Competition, hosted graciously by the Kingdom of Sahrani, where actually being high speed doesn't matter and the only thing that counts is looking cool and we decide the winner on a limb! Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeet's get started!


Aaaand Here is Contestant 1 with the Multitard setup as I like to call it, and it's not hard to see why because look at all that Multicam! He's like those guys who wear all denim, but more tactical. He even has a Multicam gun, to while points go to him for consistency, this setup has been done again and again and having seen it win many times before, we (I) cannot in good consciousness declare him the winner.


Now, Here is Contestant 2 with a distinctly northern setup, not only with the CADPAT Tmperate Woodland, one of my personal favorite patterns, but also the green C8 AND green vest, an interesting combination to say the least. We have featured CADPAT a fair amount in the past and it was our very first winner, so while it is certainly in the running for first place, the fat lady has not sung yet!


And Contestant 3, weariOH MY GOD HOW THE HELL DID THIS GET IN!?!!?? GET IT OUT OF HERE NOW!!!! Now, ladies and gents, I should remind you that while the rules do allow and in many ways ​encourage My Little Pony, we do ​expressly forbid​ Hello Kitty, so please ensure that you get rid of that **** and get on the brony train.


Contestant Number 4 coming in and showing his support for both video games and veterans, because holy moly that's a lot of Project Honor he's got on. I've been told that he even has Project Honor underwear and socks, if you can believe it. We are of course fans of both video games and warfighters so if we don't see many other strong showings, we might just have our winner right here, folks.


And of course commentator's curse strikes again! Contestant Number 5 has shown up with not only the lone mixed outfit, but with Desert Tiger Stripe. Desert Tiger Stripe, ladies and gentlemen, and let me tell you that Tiger Stripe in any form (DON'T talk about ABU -.-) is an excellent pattern, being excellent at disruption both close and afar, and as for the rule of cool, well, just look at it! Ladies and gentlemen, our winner for the 9th Annual High Speed Warrior Competition iiiiiiiiiiiissssss Contestant 5! Thanks for watching :D

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#13: Something of a Habit


One very ​boring day with the Eurocorps


Toussant: Ey Dieter

Dieter: Ja?

Toussant: Why ze f*** do zey keep sending us to places like zhis?

Dieter: You say that like I'm supposed to know. That said, ist not the most interesting of locales...

Toussant: Zhat is an understatement <_<

Dieter: Hey, it could be vorse

Toussant: How?

Dieter: Could be like last time


Last time


Dieter: You know, I vouldn't mind this so much...

Toussant: Yes you would

Dieter: Okay, ja I vould mind, but nonetheless

I'm a bit annoyed that Hans is making something of a habit of this...


Present Toussant: Oui, now zhat you mention it, zhat is worse.

Dieter: :D

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I didn't want to leave it on 13, so I made another one!


14: A Certain Way of Doing Things


Coburn: Right, mate, now it's all about hearts and minds, you have to talk to them, get to know them, and in time they'll trust us.

Manzinni: I think I understand. Perhaps-a we shall try with this-a gentleman over here

Coburn: Yeah, that's s good ide-

Manzinni: CIAO AMICO!!! How are you-a doing today?

Hasan: I'm uh, okay, sir, may I help yo-

Manzinni: Excellente, grazzi! Have you seen any Taliban anywhere?

Hasan: Umm no, sir, I no see Taliban recen-

Manzinni: Shame, shame, well thanks-a for help anyways!


Coburn: با عرض پوزش در مورد آن، او آسان تر است. (Sorry about that, he's rather straightforward)

Hasan: این اشکالی ندارد، تا زمانی که آن حرامزاده شما از این شهر (It's alright, as long as you get those bastards out of this town)

​Coburn: سلام (Salaam)

Hasan: سلام (Salaam)


​Coburn: Okay, well that was a bit too forward, you need to take some time before you start asking questions like that.

​Manzinni: Oh okay, sorry

Coburn: Its alright as long as you correct your mistakes. Let's try again.

​Manzinni: Okay, okay, lets-a talk with them, and no questions right away ;)

​Coburn: Um, maybe we should-

​Manzinni: Salaam! How are you doing today!?




Lt. Mitchell: How in sam hell did you just walk up to them and get them to surrender?

Coburn: He's Italian, sir, they have a certain way of doing things...

Manzinni: I said get-a your asses in the truck!!!

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#15: They Can't Possibly Be Everywhere

Featuring Operation: TREBUCHET (The Halo mod) and MOTHERF*CKING TANOA, BABY!!!!!! (Now available on dev branch for supporter edition and apex preorders)


One fine day on some lump of space bamboo


Ahmoud: Thank you for your patience sir, have a nice day!

Anatoly: Man, this place sucks

Ahmoud: C'mon, I thought you liked tropical worlds

Anatoly: I like holidays on them, not being posted to one; I'm roasting

Ahmoud: Wearing the CBRN-Vac unit doesn't help, man

Anatoly: Hey, don't need some silly visor in my face and I can use my hydro hands free. It's more they insist on us wearing full BDU in a f***ing jungle

Ahmoud: We'll be getting our time off soon enough

Anatoly: Not if the Innies get their way. They bombed another checkpoint this morning

Ahmoud: Yeah I heard. No casualties fortunately, at least this time

Anatoly: Wouldn't be any at all if the UNSC didn't send us out here

Ahmoud: It's not like they have much choice politically, Innies put them in a tough spot

Anatoly: Tough spot my ass, they just didn't want to give up their power. It's all political crap

Ahmoud: Careful about what you say, ONI has eyes and ears everywhere

Anatoly: Come on, we're at a checkpoint 100 miles from the MOB in the middle of an island on some wet leafy bamboo rock 600 quadrillion miles from Earth with less than 40,000 UNSC forces. I doubt they will be at this checkpoint. Practically speaking, they can't possibly be everywhere

Ahmoud: Eh, I guess you're right. That said I do disagree with you politically so let's keep that one in the can, yeah

Anatoly: Yeah, no problem

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#16: Horizon

Featuring Unsung 3.0


On patrol with 2e IPa in the jungles of Les îles Horizon


Jacques: Stupide p****n de pays... (Stupid f***ing country)

​Gilleson: Pas le plus charmant endroit à ce moment (Not the most charming place at the moment)

Jacques: Je suis plus contrarié les insurgés (I'm more upset about the insurgents)

Gilleson: Tu as entendu? Ils se disent les Guérilleros Tanoa maintenant (You heard? They're calling themselves the Tanoan Guerillas now)

​Jacques: Qu'est-ce, comme le singe? (What, like the ape?)

Gilleson: Non, un mot Che Guevara est venu avec (No, some word Che Guevara came up with)

​Jacques: De p****n cours (of f***ing course)

​Gilleson: En parlant de Che, je sais une doublure d'argent en nous d'être ici (Speaking of Che, I know one silver lining of us being here)

Jacques: Quelle? (what)

Gilleson: Si on perdre les îles Horizon, il ne sera pas aux communists, comme dans Indochine (If we lose the Horizon Islands, it won't be to the communists like in Vietnam)

​Jacques: Heh, Il est un nouvel... horizon à mon ami (Heh, it's a new... horizon my friend)

Gilleson: Oh hoh hoh, tu es tellement p****n drôle (Ha ha ha, you're so f***ing funny)


​Pardon pour mon français google :)

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No coherent short story, just the ramblings of a madman

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Many inbound! No flavor text like in 1.60 due to the volume of stuff, and I'll link my steam profile here so you can see the rest
1 New menu, me likey
2 MTP Is darker. Also, new east and south Asian faces
3 <3 MC Tropic
4 New NODS look cool (same for CSAT)
5 Viper looks even cooler!
6 LIZARD!!!!!!!!!!
7 Oh, so that's why the protec is that color
8 New massive Bergen backpacks to further violate the laws of fatigue
9 Viper harness in backpacks. Look like parachutes, I wonder...
11 I like the look and sound and feel of all the new weapons
12 Except the grippod. Fu** grippods, luv minimi
13 Dat slap tho
14 Type 115 is glorious. Secondary .50 short mode goes straight through armor
15 Even that kind of armor
16 SPAR-16 looks great as part of a GI kit
17 Yes, the RPG reloads like it should, will make CUP happy. Also note the BADASS TANK TOP!!!!
18 Jeep Lyfe
19 NATO Jeep, Armed version has net over bed seats, .50 in ring and commander SPMG
20 CSAT Jeep Unarmed version simply has guy standing in turret ring. Has McLaren F1-like seating for more peeps, genius
21 NATO UAV. Looks sick
22 CSAT UAV, actually replaces the NATO-styled one
23 V-44 gunship shown, Transport carries 30 dudes plus 4 in cockpit. Under planes, VTOL works like in A2, separate cargo version
24 Gunship flight deck, left gunner has cannon and minigun, right has autocannon
25 Y-32, carries 16 dudes incl 2 FFV, plus crew. Armed like the Mi-48, separate cargo version
26 F*** you miller
27 New NODs in daylight, Compact is meant to replace normal NVG for CSAT, ENVG and Viper have passive IR mode
28 Active IR
29 Passive IR. Note viper uniform being muted as well as CSAT face with stealth Balaclava
30 Minor bug, ENVG doesn't stay down in WHOT mode. I assume they'll also add FOV restriction

31 Viper helmet offers fullscreen NVG and BHOT, though don't count on it being permitted in public


New civilian clothes, and plenty of new LIZARD!!! guerilla gear, including a full lizard BDU suitable for both syndikat and gendarmerie in military function. I'll be doing more in the coming days


You can try this too with the Apex Preview version if you have Apex preordered, Supporter, or Apex edition (NOT DEV BRANCH). Apex releases worldwide for Arma 3 on 11 June, 2016

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Been too busy enjoying Tanoa. If you blame me I'll airdrop a BMD-4 on your head from a blackfish :D
#17: Ils Nous Ont Trouvés
Guard: Pourquoi dois-je vivre dans la peur quotidienne... (Why do I have to live in fear everyday...)
​Warlord: Parce que si vous ne me aidez pas, je vais tirer votre famille! A HA HA HA HA! (Because if you don't help me, I'll shoot your family!)
Guard: Je parlais craignant d'être abattu par un "mangeur de serpent" (I was talking about being shot by some "snake eater")
Warlord: Ha ha ha! Mon garçon, ces Américains stupides n'ont pas la moindre idée où nous sommes, ils vont jamais nous trouver! (My boy, those stupid Americans don't have a clue where we are, they'll never find us!)
Guard: Est les Gandarmes?
Warlord: Ils sont encore plus bête! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! (They're even stupider!)
Cela me rappelle, aller vérifier l'entrée, assurez-vous il n'y a personne autour (That reminds me, go and check the entrance, make sure there isn't anyone around)
Guard: Bien sûr, mon patron (You got it, boss)
Connard... (Asshole)
​A few minutes later
Guard: Ehm, mon patron?
Warlord: Oui, mon garçon?
Guard: Ils nous ont trouvés (They found us)

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Been in a bit of a creative slump but I'm back again.


#18: We'd Be F***ed Even More


One day on a fine lump of space rock


Eriksson: I mean, the Innies have a point, the UNSC is a seriously messed-up system

Evgeny: Oh come on, nobody except the UNSC themselves denies that, it still doesn't justify their methods

Mobutu: As far as I can tell, their methods involve blowing up UNSCDF arms chaches, throwing molotovs at tanks, and hijacking cargo ships. Not exactly war crime level stuff

Evgeny: And yet you completely miss the point and ignore the fact that hundreds of UNSCDF soldiers have died from unprovoked attacks

Eriksson: Yeah, because nuking a mining colony planet isn't provocation enough

Evgeny: It was completely stripped of resources already and was training terrori... You know what, *looks outside* Hey Stiles, Mink!

Mobutu: Oh f*** me not these weirdos *starts to walk away*

Evgeny: Oh nonononononono, you're gonna sit your ass down and listen this time

Eriksson: This ought to be good...


Mink: Hey hey, guys. Whaddaya need?

Eriksson: What's your honest opinion regarding the Innies

*They look at each other, Stiles agrees to go first*

Stiles: Do they have a point? Yes. The UNSC is a fairly f***ed system. They do really f*** over the outer colonies a lot, especially on resources. But the UNSC also does a lot of good out here, like the numerous scientific outposts trying to find new ways to improve quality of life.

Just the other day we received a distress call from one of those outposts. It was testing a new type of mass-producible air respirator which could be used in numerous ways, from protecting airways during mining, use on worlds with pockets of hostile air, to quickly handing them out to civilians in the event of a chemical strike

Mobutu: Oh come on, the Innies don't have chemical weapons

Mink: Oh yes they f***ing do. ONI's been trying to hunt the stockpile down for weeks

Stiles: My point is, when we arrived at this outpost, it had been sacked, all of the scientists killed, and all of the physical research destroyed. Unarmed scientists. Researching something to protect people. Worst part of it, they wrote "f*** your gas masks, VX for every sheep until we're free!" *He displays photos on the troopers' HUDs*

Mink: And this ain't new. They also just last month on Harvest attacked a hospital treating civilians who were injured from a bombing on a mining camp. And a week before that they shot up an aid convoy on 9908 moving to relieve typhoon victims.

Mobutu: And..... Um..... Your opinion Mink? 

Mink: They nearly killed my brother on Reach for trying to put out a forest fire they started. You don't want to know my opinion

Stiles: The UNSC is indeed pretty f***ed up,m but we'd all be f***ed even more if these barbarians aren't stomped out

Another pause

Eriksson: At least they aren't aliens trying to blow up the universe

Stiles: Yeah, because that's tooootally a thing...

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It's safe to say I gave up on "a couple a week" by now. Keeps me from getting burned out and lets me make better ones.

#19: Tin-Headed

In the early 1980's, a civil war erupted on the small black sea island of Notovyia. Oddly, peacekeepers from both Pact (by proximity) and NATO (by request) were sent to stabilize the situation. The short notice and lack of preparation often led to soldiers from multiple countries riding in the same vehicles on both sides, a somewhat bizzare arrangement. Even more bizzarre, their goals were not dissimilar, leading to strange situations like the one recorded here

Mitchell: Hey, is that a commie jeep?
They look over to see a UAZ with Pact soldiers dismounting

Hyde: Yeah, and some Pact soldiers to go with it
Armstrong: Ummmm... Should we shoot them?
Kristian: Vhat? Of course not! Zhey are just vaiting for us to finish filling
Armstrong: Oh... I'll, uh, get off the fifty then...
Mitchell: I still think we should keep an eye on them

Hanson: Ich weiß, dieser Kerl! Hey Kristian mein freund, bekommen hier! :D (Hey, I know that guy! Hey Kristian my friend, get over here!)
Kristian: Hanson? Hey, Hanson! *Starts to walk towards the Pact soldiers*
Hyde: U WOT M8? You're not really going over there!?!?!??
Kristian: Hey I know him, and they're being polite anyways
Mitchell: This might not end well...

After a few minutes of talking, the two go back to their respective groups
Hyde: Well???
Kristian: Oh don't act like he's not human, he's just a tin-headed soldier like us. In my case he's a childhood friend from before the wall.
Armstrong: Soooooo, we're still not gonna shoot them
Mitchell: Jesus Christ Armstrong could you at least try to not be stupid for once?
On the other side
Ivan: Hy Hanson? (Well Hanson?)
Bartłomiej: О чем ты говорил? (What did you talk about?)
Hanson: Стена, Ñтот беÑпорÑдок, как глупо вÑе железный Ð·Ð°Ð½Ð°Ð²ÐµÑ Ð²ÐµÑ‰ÑŒ, и как мы вÑе проÑто оловÑнные Ñолдаты, возглавлÑемых (The wall, this mess, how stupid the whole iron curtain thing is, and how we're all just tin-headed soldiers)
Bartłomiej: Ura к тому, что (Ura to that)

In case you're confused, Hyde is British, Mitchell and Armstrong are American, Kristian and Hanson are German, Ivan is Russian, and BartÅ‚omiej is Polish. I tried really hard to find an excuse to go multinational with this one, after all, they're all just tin-headed solders :)

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Happy Day-we-declared-independence-from-the-British-but-didn't-actually-​gain-independence-until-5-years-later. I'll figure out a RIPFVSS tomorrow, I've been playing too much Verdun and Red Orchestra to be bothered to do it today XD

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#20: I Hear You Like Your Guns


Sgt. Monaghan: Errghhhhhhh f************ mmeeeeeeeee

Lt. Blocaz: Wow man you're ​still ​hung over?

Monaghan: Shuddup, you don't understand

Blocaz: No, I don't. We don't get ridiculously drunk or set off massive fireworks shows when we celebrate our independence. Well, at least not to the degree you do...

Monaghan: Exactly, and you probably never will understand, so stop talking about it

Blocaz: For f***s sake, you really need to get out of that uniform before you shoot someone for looking at you wrong

Monaghan: Well I'm sorry I'm not as GMO-free and politically correct and polite as you Europeans are but I'm a f***ing American soldier and I've got a job to do hangover or not and I'M GONNA DO IT DAMMIT!

Blocaz: You're just jealous of my cool-looking gun

Monaghan: I do like me some gunz :)

Blocaz: An outer sentry is best done with a clear head, and you my friend don't really have a clear head right no...



Monaghan: Dat chikin waz lookin at me wrong

Blocaz: WHAT THE S*** IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!? Make that weapon safe, soldier!

Monaghan: You tryin' to take my gunz?


MonagYOU AINT TAKIN MY GUNZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


The next day

Monaghan: Ughh, wow my head hurts...

Marine Provost: Don't stand up

Monaghan: Huh? What the f***?

Maj. Takahashi and Lt. Blocaz enter the room

Takahashi: Soooooo, Sergeant, I hear you like your guns...

Monaghan: Oh, f*** me




I'm off to play some Apex campaign now :D

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I liked that one.One little observation-the Eu flag on the soldiers arm. Are you implying that in the Armaverse the EU has formed a standing army? Because I remember voting against measures like that in the lisbon treaty....  ;)

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