nolips71 0 Posted October 9, 2002 > > > > A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to > > a > > > > very > > > > attractive woman. > > > > He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a > > > > moment. > > > > The > > > > woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" > > > > "No", he replies, "Q's just given me this state-of-the-art watch and > > I > > > > was > > > > just > > > > testing it." > > > > The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special > > > > about > > > > it?" > > > > Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." > > > > The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" > > > > "Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...." > > > > The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am > > > > wearing > > > > knickers!" > > > > Bond tuts, taps his watch and says, > > > > > > > > .> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >"Damn thing's an hour fast." > > Facts? 1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. EVER WONDER Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair). On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)? On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....) On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion). On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)! On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought?...) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)? On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....) On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)? On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?) On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nolips71 0 Posted October 9, 2002 just thought of another1 baytree garden center turf GREEN SIDE UP Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
KTottE 0 Posted October 9, 2002 Yeah, real funny Nolips... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Spitfire 0 Posted October 9, 2002 The first one's great Too bad OFP's Offtopic-forum is not like other offtopic-forums around. I'd say it's about 10 more minutes until this thread is locked. I wish you could've come up with military-related jokes. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Renagade 0 Posted October 9, 2002 quick u lot distract the other mods while i kick shadow in the nuts for being a hypocrit then we`ll pick the others off one by one muahahah Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Spitfire 0 Posted October 9, 2002 </span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (Renagade @ Oct. 09 2002,23:16)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">quick u lot distract the other mods while i kick shadow in the nuts for being a hypocrit then we`ll pick the others off one by one muahahah <span id='postcolor'> Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Duke_of_Ray 0 Posted October 9, 2002 I thought the mods where our friends. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
GAMEER_77 0 Posted October 9, 2002 </span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">Ill take placebo! <span id='postcolor'> You ain't gettin away that easy Duke! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Othin 0 Posted October 9, 2002 Look Look, it's about the military now! </save> Real Sergeants 1. Can cuss for ten minutes without ever repeating a word. 2. Have a spine. 3. Can play a new Lieutenant like a finely tuned instrument. 4. Can see in the Dark. 5. Have eyes in the back of their heads. 6. Still don't trust the Russians. 7. Still hate the French. 8. Don't know how to be politically correct. 9. Don't give a damn about being politically correct. 10. Think that "politically correct" should fall under squat in the UCMJ. 11. Love deployments because there is less paperwork and more "real work." 12. Can run 5 miles with a hangover. 13. Do not fear women in the military. 14. Would like to date G. I. Jane. 15. Still know how to use a buffer. 16. Can tell you anything you want to know about an M1911A1 although they are no longer in the inventory. 17. Believe that they do have a rendezvous with destiny. 18. Believe that "Nuts" wasn't all that Brigadier General McAuliffe said to the Germans at Bastogne. 19. Don't know how to use a "stress card". 20. Idolize John Wayne. 21. Don't believe that AAFES really needs a "commander". 22. Would have paid money to see Custer getting his clock cleaned. 23. Really don't like taking crap from those who haven't "been there". 24. Know how to properly construct a field latrine. 25. Might admire the Germans, but still realize they got their butts kicked. Twice. 26. Aren't afraid of the Chinese, who probably don't have enough rowboats to invade Taiwan. 27. Would rather be OPFOR than MOPP 4. 28. Don't believe a darn thing the Iraqis say. 29. Don't need a GPS to find themselves. 30. Have enough BDU's in their closet to start a surplus store. 31. Think that MRE's taste good (with a little hot sauce). 32. Are convinced that "wall-to-wall" counseling really works. 33. Have more time on the front-line than most others have in the chow line. 34. Know how to make coffee when the measuring scoop goes missing. 35. Know that it's not good coffee when you can see through it. 36. Don't blame poor marksmanship on their M-16. 47. Know that inept leaders will always say they have inept soldiers. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Major Fubar 0 Posted October 10, 2002 This is too offtopic for offtopic for offtopic for offtopic for offtopic...oops, lost track there Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
