Guide: "the amazing world of counterstrike"

[Mister Frag 0]

From Something Awful:

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote </td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">The game of Counterstrike is an interesting one. It is a realistic simulation of a terrorist/counter-terrorist combat situation, assuming that real terrorists actually have no intention of carrying out their mission, and instead only want to lure stupid uniformed counterterrorists to various locations and kill them. You see, most terrorists want to blow things up or take civilians hostage in order to scare people, but Counterstrike terrorists are the soft, fuzzy kind of terrorists. They really don’t mind if you walk away with their hostages or defuse all their bombs, just as long as you don’t crouch in one place while you do it.

Gameplay Tips

People still actually play this game.

Never camp. 'Camping' refers to the dastardly act of staying in one place for more than ten consecutive milliseconds. Should you stop for a moment, or worse, crouch, you will be labeled a 'fag', your mother a 'whore', and your gun a 'noob cannon'. This includes guarding hostages or bombsites - never consider the possibility that a terrorist might not want his hostages to be rescued. These terrorists do not mind successful rescue attempts by their enemies, due to their previously noted soft, fuzzy nature.

Never buy a good weapon. The AW/M sniper rifle, automatic shotgun, MP5 sub machinegun, and any weapons capable of penetrating skin are shunned by all the skilled Counterstrike players. Attacking your enemy from a distance is cheap, attacking your enemy from behind is cheap, and aiming bullets towards an enemy's head will elicit a collective gasp of horror from the entire CS community and their immediate families. The only way to avoid offending the other players is tossing your starting pistol and charging directly at the enemy with a knife, out in the open, without strafing. Of course, you have to announce your presence to the enemy and attack directly from the front while crouching and spinning around in circles, otherwise it's just cheap.

Never accept the fact that you died. Every death should be accompanied by 'WTF' or 'BS'. This lets the other players know that you are not happy about dying, which will dispel their previous notion that you suddenly renounced your evil terrorist religion and raced out into the line of fire to embrace your new counter-terrorist brothers. Always keep in mind that the game hates you specifically, and that it is completely unrealistic that 7 .50-caliber slugs to the head will kill you or have any effect beyond a slight ringing in your left ear.

Always remember that you HATE Counterstrike. Every time something doesn't go your way, be sure to inform everybody that you hate it with creative phrases like "I hate CS", "Fuck CS" or "I fucking hate CS". But never actually stop playing the game, simply continue to comment on how the game you've been playing for the last four hours sucks because they weakened your favorite rifle.

When joining a server, be sure to pick an intimidating name. Having a name like {SuP4hl33tk1LLa}CaP-a-CoP will scare everybody else into dropping their guns and running away when they see you approaching. Under no circumstances should you use any kind of correct spelling in your name, since doing this would imply that you spent some time learning to speak English instead of playing Counterstrike. You weirdo.

Equipment

Kevlar - This is the kind of armor that modern terrorists and counter-terrorists use when they want to travel light or when they decide that good armor is for pussies. Its sole purpose in this game is to increase the time it takes to die from .02 seconds to .020003 seconds. After all, if it provided any protection against bullets like real Kevlar does, it would be cheap.

Helmet - In this realistic mod, it's only natural that they would include real equipment, such as magical helmets that can repel a direct hit from the enemies' pathetic non-magical SAW machine guns. And since without a helmet you will die if your head gets struck by, say, a rock or an unnaturally pointy air molecule, it's a good idea to buy one and hope that the enemy doesn't decide to shoot at your body.

This nice-looking grenade-in-a-can is simple to use, lightweight and affordable. Too bad it has the raw explosive power of a Roman candle.

HE grenade - This is supposedly a high-explosive weapon that's used for blasting enemies out of hiding places. However, you could shove it down an enemy's throat and it would do about 16 damage, so it should only be used when your primary weapon is empty, your pistol is out of ammo, and your knife is still stuck in the wall from when you were frantically stabbing your teammate's porn spray.

Flashbang grenade - Yet another magical item. When thrown, the flashbang will disappear in a puff of bizarre moving sprites that kind of resemble sparks. The instant this happens, every single person on your team will go blind for 10 seconds, and all the enemies will laugh at you and gun you down. It can actually work to your advantage, since after all your teammates go blind, they will all stop playing to type obscenities at you and you can use them as human shields.

Weapons

Desert Eagle - Contrary to popular belief, this is not the only pistol in Counterstrike. It may take you a few months of playing before you see anyone using a P228, a Five-Seven, or any other pistol in the game. Maybe it's because people are resistant to change, and using a familiar gun offers a psychological advantage that can give you that extra edge in life-and-death combat situations. Or maybe it's because the Desert Eagle kills anyone in two shots, and every other pistol requires you to point it at the enemy and hammer the trigger for about 15 seconds before it kills anything.

Elites - Something right out of a John Woo movie, although somehow dumber. The creators of Counterstrike decided that, in the interest of balance, the most expensive pistol in the game should also be the worst. This is actually two pistols, and if you're stupid enough to buy them, you run around like an idiot with one in each hand. Every shot with the left pistol goes slightly left, and every shot with the right pistol goes slightly right. This means that if your aim is good, you'll end up hitting your target approximately 0% of the time. If you're lucky, your aim will suck and you'll hit the target every other shot. You math geniuses out there might realize that this would inflict about half the damage of a normal pistol.

TMP - This 'tactical machine pistol' is used by the counter-terrorists. If real counter-terrorists use this thing, I fear for our nation's safety. People who use this gun will tell you that it has a fast rate of fire, it's accurate, and it reloads quickly. This is all true. There's really only one downside to this gun - in order to actually do any damage with it, you have to empty at least 40 shots into an enemy before the total damage will be high enough to round up to 1. After that happens, the enemy will turn around and clobber you with a Desert Eagle, which he bought for half the cost of the TMP. Nothing is more humiliating than being slaughtered by low-budget terrorists.

UMP - This is the latest addition to the CS weapon lineup. It's a really good idea - there was already a good submachinegun called the MP5, so they took that, made it worse in every single category, made it cost more, and called it the UMP. It has a lower clip size, it does less damage, it fires slower and it costs over $200 more. A terrific gun if you want to annoy the terrorists by hitting them with bullets that will chip one of their teeth or make their eyes water if you score enough direct hits to the face.

Using the dreaded AWM will cause every single person on a server to wish death upon you and sometimes wishes do come true.

Steyr Scout - A great sniper rifle to use if you're new to the game or if the constant harassing from your teammates has drained all your will to live. Pulling the trigger causes a pathetic little sniper bullet to come oozing out, accompanied by a muffled sound effect that sounds like a flatulent mosquito. It does approximately 2 damage, 5 for a headshot, and 6 for a shot directly to the brain stem. If the game even bothers to register the hit, your enemy will turn toward you, give the 'I am superior' laugh of action-movie villains, and blast your head into pieces with his (you guessed it) Desert Eagle.

AW/M - This is the feared and hated Arctic Warfare Magnum sniper rifle, also commonly called the "AWP" or "THE GUN THAT NOOB LAMER SHOT ME WITH ARRRRRGGGGG". It has been toned down in recent versions, meaning to kill someone you need to actually point it in their general direction, rather than the general direction of the continent they're standing on. On the off-chance the target doesn't die of sheer terror, you might have to go through the time-consuming process of pulling the trigger, which will inflict about the same level of damage as getting hit in the eye with an anti-tank missile covered with anthrax and gasoline.

Opponents

Now that you have a good background in the weapons and items, let's take a look at some of the individuals you will be using these weapons and items to kill. Knowing your enemy is always a big advantage, so I have compiled a list of the different personality types you will most likely run into, along with their signature moves and the best strategy to defeat each one. You can thank me by not acting like any of them.

Captain Tactics: After watching Full Metal Jacket 20 or 30 times, this fine young lad has learned everything there is to know about urban combat. Not only is he a military genius just waiting to be discovered and recruited by the Federal Bureau of Discovering and Recruiting Military Geniuses, but he is benevolent enough to share his foolproof battle plans with the rest of his team, and even inform all the other players whenever their strategies do not meet with his approval. Lucky them!

Signature move: Saying "rush right", charging off by himself into a hail of enemy gunfire, then repeatedly saying "u stupid lusers didnt rush w/me or id be alive. assholes"

Strategy: Take a shot at him with a pump shotgun from all the way across the map. You can easily dispatch him seconds later when he stops playing to type out a 500-word essay on why shotguns should not be used at long range.

Sociopath: Much like the morons you normally find in Yahoo chatrooms, the Sociopath is an angry and bitter child who masquerades as a big tough guy who will not hesitate to kick your ass if you look at him the wrong way or use the wrong kind of emoticon. This may seem like a relatively harmless breed of Counterstrike player, but in groups they are capable of inflicting lethal levels of annoyance. The Sociopath hates Counterstrike and everyone who plays it (and everyone who doesn't play it) but he will keep playing the game, simply because it's the only way he can get out his aggression at other people without getting his glasses broken and shoved in his ear.

Signature move: Blasting other players with incredibly callous and witty insults such as "fag", "fAg" and "FAG".

Strategy: Start insulting the band Slipknot. With any luck, the Sociopath's ensuing screams of rage will wake up his parents in the next room and he'll have to turn the computer off and go to sleep.

Gun Expert: Typically a 30-year-old male who grew up with guns, owned several guns in high school and graduated from the United States Institute of Guns. He has memorized the weight, muzzle velocity and warranty information for every gun that has been made since the early 1600s. Of course he believes that this extensive knowledge of firearms makes him a natural Counterstrike player, and any kills against him are a result of the game's glaring inaccuracies. So, basically he's a grown-up version of an annoying six-year-old kid who always plays cowboys & indians but argues whenever his friends say "Bang, you're dead."

Signature move: Messaging the person who just killed him and letting him know that the kill didn't really count because the muzzle flash from his AK-47 looked a lot more like the muzzle flash from an AR-10. Followed by huddling in front of his computer clutching a revolver, silently weeping.

Strategy: Declare that Counterstrike is the most realistic game of all time and there are absolutely no inconsistencies between the in-game guns and their real-life counterparts. The flash of uncontrollable anger the Gun Expert will feel should make his entire head explode, or at least enough of his head to seriously impair his motor functions. Either way, it's an easy victory for you!

Rookie: Inevitably you'll run into someone who has never played Counterstrike before, but refuses to learn anything about it. Usually this is a teenager who plays whatever his friends play, just to fit in. So he will have gone from Quake 3 to Unreal Tournament to Counterstrike, without bothering to learn any of the differences between the games. You will typically find him running around in a game, asking questions like 'whuts a flashbang?' and 'why r u wearing a mask?', and getting answers ranging from 'Perhaps you should read the manual' to 'read the god damn manual'. But since he has the same personality as a kid who tries to put together a $150 model plane without so much as looking at the instructions, he will continue stumbling blindly through the game attempting to use the 'learn as you go' approach, while repeatedly saying "whats 'rtfm' mean, stop saying rtfm to me it isnt even a word u stupid jerks".

Signature move: Attempting 12 times in a row to kill you by circle-strafing with a glock, and wondering aloud why it isn't working.

Strategy: Take the same approach you would take towards the fat kid during recess basketball games back in elementary school. Meaning you should do everything within your power to make sure he plays on the other team.

Chronically Depressed Dipshit: On average, you will find 3 or 4 CDDs in a 20-player game of Counterstrike. They can be easily located by joining a random game and looking through the chat to see who is whining about how full of pain their life is while playing a computer game on a $2000 Dell Dimension their parents bought them for their 16th birthday. Any attempts to interject logic into their whiny ramblings (i.e. saying "If you're depressed why don't you do something besides play Counterstrike?") will be met either with "you wouldnt understand" or a series of angry messages detailing the romantic life of your mother.

Signature move: Getting an enemy in his sights and being unable to summon the energy to click the mouse button and fire.

Strategy: Type the opening line from a random Marilyn Manson or Nine Inch Nails song. The CDD will get caught up in the moment, close his eyes and play through the song in his mind, quietly reflecting on the pointlessness of human existence and the fact that only a few select bands actually understand the pain of a joyless life. Then he'll snap out of it and discover that you took advantage of the opportunity to run over to his guy and stab him in the ankles until he fell over and died, giving the rest of the server a hearty laugh at the NIN fan's expense. Two victories for the price of one!

Rhodes Scholar: He's smarter than you, and he isn't afraid to show it! Every single message that flows from the Rhodes Scholar's keyboard is so chock-full of intelligence and wisdom that the IQ overflow occasionally causes packet loss and server crashes. If another player offends him or says something mean about him, he'll respond by typing out a doctoral thesis on differential calculus, one line at a time. Of course, he'll do this after the round has started and his team has already rushed out to fight the enemy, so he'll get about a third of the way through before an enemy walks into the spawn, shoots him dead and calls him a moron.

Signature move: Sending amazingly well-written and thoughtful chat messages that do not contain any words with less than four syllables.

Strategy: Tell him that trigonometry and algebra are the exact same thing, just with different symbols. After futilely attempting to educate you for a while, he'll throw his keyboard against the wall, dive out the window and run screaming into the woods, never to be seen or heard from again.

Cybertramp: I hate to break the news to all you aspiring e-pimps out there, but the majority of sexy women who use the internet are actually sweaty 50-year-old men who have had a run-in with the police after attempting to molest a mailbox. But the Cybertramp is betting on the power of human stupidity to ensure that nobody realizes he is not actually a 21-year-old supermodel. So, needless to say, he fools people 98% of the time. He will join a server with a name like SexySniper or [HOT]Angel_Eyes, and he will correctly assume that nobody will bother to question exactly why a young attractive female would have to flirt with guys over the internet during a game of Counterstrike.

Signature move: "Hey hunny, dun shoot me *giggle* ^_^ "

Strategy: Do what comes naturally. Kill him in the game, then trace his IP, drive over to his house and beat him into submission with a garden rake.

Clanner: This guy was a gamer back before gaming was cool. When you were just a fetus inside your mother's womb, the Clanner was a fetus inside his mother's womb playing Armor Battle on a little tiny Intellivision system attached to the inside of the placenta. By the time he was four years old, he was able to defeat all comers at Quake 3, which was very impressive considering it was twelve years before Quake 3 even came out. In every game he's ever played, be it Quake, Doom or SimToiletbrush, he has joined together with a clique of similarly-endowed gamers to destroy all comers at that particular form of online entertainment. He scoffs at all the simple fools who play games for stupid reasons like "to have fun", and lives for the thrill of railgunning someone into lava and picturing that person as the football captain who stuffed him into trash cans on a daily basis back in high school. He recently made the shift to Counterstrike after hearing one of his two friends describe it as "totally neato".

Signature move: Dodging all your bullets, pulling out a pistol and placing a slug right between your eyes from 200 yards.

Strategy: Make up a random abbreviation like "tpais" and use it regularly. Clanners are terrified of being left behind in the great leetspeak arms race to sound like as much of an idiot as possible, so they'll ask you what it means. Make up words to go along with the letters (it really doesn't matter if they go in any kind of order or form a coherent phrase or anything), and then change acronyms and repeat. Continue doing this for as long as it takes before the Clanner starves to death in front of his computer. It might be a good idea to keep some food nearby, to make sure he starves to death before you do.

Well, good luck. This guide should help you get started in the wonderful world of shooting other people randomly with the same three weapons, complaining about the game being biased against you, and wondering why our nation considers terrorists a threat when they clearly don't care about anything besides shooting uniformed government workers with AK-47s. And remember: when all else fails, cry 'bullshit'.

<span id='postcolor'>

[ran 0]

Nm

[advocatexxx 0]

That's hilarious

[Warin 0]

LOL.

If it wasnt so true, it would be sad.

Thank God for Operation Flashpoint. It liberated me from the CS world.

[ralphwiggum 6]

well, kids can play CS. adults play OFP

[Warin 0]

Thats the problem.

CS was actually a pretty good game back before all the Kiddiez discovered it.

Ah well, at least OFP is there to save me

[pathfinder 0]

</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (RalphWiggum @ Sep. 23 2002,00:58)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">well, kids can play CS. adults play OFP  <span id='postcolor'>

Yep , and waiting for the next match in multiplay OFP will turn ya into an old man

CS used to be a drug for me untill punkbuster, or should I call it ping buster. I could never get a good ping out of my less than 56k connection after pb. Befor pb I didn't have any probs at all. And no I never cheated I never understood script kiddies.

[Assault (CAN) 1]

LOL, this guy reminds me of Denoir.  

[Rob 1]

CS has always been a shit game, the only reason why i played it was because its all i had at the time and i liked to play a game that actually had modern weapons.

Its so badly made and you can get killed for some of the most pathetic things. For instance, aiming at my bro with a awm to find out that it actually shot to the side of him when its a dead accurate weapon... Having something like the sig and shooting the fuck out of someone only to find yourself dead after they shoot you once with their ump or something stupid.

I can think of so many stupid things that have happened but i gtg out.

O and one more thing, why can't they bloody make games that are actually realistic to not give us a chance to win? in real life it would take 1-2 shots from the most simple weapons to kill someone, but no you have to empty an entire clip to kill them...

I WANT A REALSTIC GAME! like GR but better graphics and better made.

[Rob 1]

Assault (CAN) you are one sick fuck and your going to get banned now.

[bn880 5]

Assault .... what are you doing??

EDIT: Assault! Check your post damn it!

[Assault (CAN) 1]

LOL, Denoir does have a sense of humour you know.

[bn880 5]

Yah, but do you know what we see? does the name Dick give you a hint? Or did you do this on purpose?

[Rob 1]

IF you have a brain you will see that any explicit pictures is result of instant ban! REGARDLESS! THATS JUST SICK ANYWAY, IT MAKES US ALL WONDER WHICH WAY YOU REALLY DO SWING!

[pathfinder 0]

Ummm in a word , ewwwwww

[Assault (CAN) 1]

Are you two guys seeing a different image?

If you would have followed the link at the top of Mr. Frag's post, you would have seen that pic on the original C.S. article on somthingawful.com.

Jeez

[Rob 1]

JUST DELETE THE DAMN THING BEFORE U GET DELETED! thats grose!!!!

[Grey Fox 0]

OMFG!!

SEND IT TO HELL! I don't hink they appreciate hotlinking and really really are trying to tell you that!

[bn880 5]

I know which image you are talking about but plz remove mr Dick. Before u get banned.

Check this guide out: http://www.somethingawful.com/article.php?id=61

[Assault (CAN) 1]

Why would I even get banned? I'm not saying that he reminds me of the personality type, but he actually kind of looks like.......

well, never mind.

[Guest]

Ok, this is the third time somebody hotlinked a picture from somethingawful in this thread.

DO NOT DO IT! Something Awful does not allow hotlinking and displays a crude pornographic image instead!

Check your bloody posts! I have had about enough of editing those posts. Next person that posts an explicit pornographic picture, on purpose or not will get banned!

Closing