Just another joke thread

[Die Alive 0]

Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it:

"Greeting Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump haughty attitude,drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!"

But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion which blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap.

When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fire turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there is one thing I've learned during my travels through thegalaxy....any guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stickit in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with."

Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."

Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"

Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself

through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two

vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and

their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore,

his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying,

"Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way,

you get your dog back!"

For centuries, the English have had a love affair with all types

of hunting.   Early one morning, a fellow was blasting away

at a clump of brush on a grouse hunt.

Suddenly an outraged gentleman appeared and said "See here

old man, you almost shot my wife with that volley."

The hunter, properly shamed replied, "So sorry old chap. Here, have a go at mine, over there."

Q: What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?

A: The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children

and the man thinks often about dating them.

Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day

he surprised the teacher with an announcement.

He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to

scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades...

somebody is going to get a spanking."

A mother was worried that her three-year-old son was

unusually precocious, and took him to a psychiatrist.  

"Right," said the shrink, "We'll just try a few simple

tests." To the boy, he said "Say a few words - anything

that comes into your mind."

The boy turned to his mother and asked, "Does he want

logically constructed sentences or just a few random

and purely isolated words?"

Games for when we are Older:

1. Sag, You're it

2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Doc Goose.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Hide and go pee.

9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta

10. Musical recliners.

A young couple decided they needed an au pair, and arranged

for a girl to come over from Northern Finland.  When she

arrived, the wife asked, "Can you cook?"

"No," said the girl, "My mother always did that."

"Can you do housework?" asked the wife.

"No, my oldest sister always did that."

"Well," said the wife, "You'd better just look after the

children."

"I don't know how," said the girl. "My youngest sister

always did that."

"What can you do, then?" asked the wife, in desperation.

"Well," said the Finnish girl brightly, "I can milk

reindeer."

[Grey Fox 0]

Special High Intensity Training

United States Army

Training Command and Doctrine

TRADOC

Inter-Company Memo

SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

ATTENTION: ALL UNITS

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from soldiers, it will be our policy to keep all soldiers well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give soldiers more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your immediate supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Soldiers who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL

EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T S.H.I.T.). Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL

SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

[Grey Fox 0]

Bad News

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward. NOT SO FAST, McGRATH!"

[Grey Fox 0]

The Politically Correct Battlefield

They're not our enemy; they're our socio-political compliment.

We don't damage their aircraft; we make unauthorized in-flight modifications.

We don't spy; we deal in unreleased information.

They're not casualties; they're inoperative battle units.

We don't have scouts; we have unauthorized observers.

We don't miss; we fail to effectively engage the target.

We don't waste missiles; we run a non-cost-effective equipment exchange.

We don't attack; we aggressively move into pre-occupied territory.

We don't retreat; we reconsolidate at a previously held position.

We don't waste money, we fail to effectively utilize funding.

We're not at war; we're sanctioning with extreme prejudice

[Grey Fox 0]

Why is no one looking at this thread?! It seems that I'm one of the few people contribute to treads like these. Where is everyone? It is like everyone just went of vacation and left me behind.

*Edit: I have had very little sleep hence I call my semi-psychotic condition "the Wobble Syndrome"*

[Sid 0]

Well, i looked at this thread THREE whole times, the truth is, I'm luaghing my sox off.

[KingBeast 0]

A man walked in to a bar. "Ouch"

A horse walked into a bar. The barman said "Why the long face?"

[theavonlady 2]

An oldie but a goodie:

A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a brand new Turbo Roadster. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light.

An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The dude replies "A Turbo Roadster. They cost $500,000."

"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure" replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320.

Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It

seems to be getting closer! Suddenly, whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him, going 2, maybe 3 times as fast!

The guy wonders, "What on earth could be going faster than my Turbo Roadster?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.

Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo Roadster?

Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror.

WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

The guy jumps out and it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurt for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

[KingBeast 0]

A guy's in the bar when an alien from outer space walks

through the door and sits next to him.

The drunk thinks nothing of it, trying to maintain good inter-

galactic peace, and all.

The alien orders himself a drink. When he's halfway through

with the drink, he licks his green finger, and then sticks the

finger in the drunk's ear.

The drunk's irritated, but again, in the interest of seeing there's

no interstellar war, he says nothing.

The alien pulls his finger out, finishes his drink, and then

orders another one. Once he reaches the half-way point in

that drink, he again licks his finger, then puts that finger into

the drunk's ear.

"Hey, Buddy, how 'bout let's lay off the ear pokin', what do you

say?"

Well, as you know, halfway through the alien's third drink, the

alien licks and sticks once again. The drunk has forgotten his

peaceful ways and says, as forcibly as he can, "Look,

asshole, if you do that again, I'm gonna rip your balls off!"

The alien orders one more drink. Stirs it for awhile . . . and,

you guessed it, licks that green finger and again sticks it right

in the drunk's ear.

"Goddammit!!!" the drunk roars, and reaches between the

alien's legs to carry out his threat. But there's "nothing there".

The drunk's a little confused. "Man, if you've got no balls,

then how do you screw?"

The alien licks his finger and sticks it in the drunk's ear.

[Die Alive 0]

An old man is ridding in a bus when a punk rocker comes and sits next to him. The punk got red, purple, green and blue hair and has feathers sticking from his hair and earings. The old man sits and stares at the punk until the punk asks "What's the matter old man, you never did anything crazy when you were a kid?"

The old man replys: "Yeah, I fucked a parrot once and I thought you were my son."

-=Die Alive=-

[Grey Fox 0]

Here's a classic:

The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces

(Snake Model)

The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations or A Diversified Approach to Military Operations:

Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

Infantry(alt): "Look, a putty cat. Come 'ere kitty . . . Ouch! Hey, that's not a kitty cat."

Infantry (alt): "Ugh! Me see snake. Me like snake. Ouch! Me no like snake."

Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicures.

Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

Ranger (alt): Assaults the snake's home and secures it for use by friendly snakes.

Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel voucher upon return.

Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5-series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

SEAL: Expends all ammunition, several grenades and calls for naval gunfire in a failed attempt to kill the snake. The snake bites the SEAL then retreats to safety.

Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.

Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.

F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses target due to weather.

AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red.

UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake starts bonfire to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into the fire.

B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

CH-47 Pilot: Slingleg breaks in flight while slingloading anti-snake equiptment, pilot cuts slingload. Slingload lands on snake and kills it. Crew cheif uses dead snake to replace broken slingleg.

Navy Pilot: Draped snake around neck at Tail Hook to pick up chicks.

Military Police: Gave snake a sobriety test for not moving in a straight line.

Signal: Broadcasts 200,000+ watt transmissions in support of anti-snake missions, accidentally electrocuted snake in the process.

Corps of Engineers: Surveyed and researched area for plans on improving flood plain, cant do it because snake is on the endangered species list.

Cooks: Snake sneaks in chow hall. Snake dies of food poisoning.

[IceFire 0]

LOL! I loved that S.H.I.T. one.